His Second “Wife” – Again…

S%C3%A9pulcre_Arc-en-Barrois_111008_12I got an e-mail from my husband’s #2.

Seeing her name appear in my mail list still makes me shudder. The nasty mails she sent me are part of it, but what hurts the most is the memory of how I felt when her name started to show up in my husband’s mail. Those first months of polygamy were beyond words painful, even thinking about them now makes me feel sick. I have learned to live with the fact that those wounds will never completely heal, they were too deep, too fierce to ever mend. When I was hurting the most my husband was happily falling in love with this girl and when my husband forgot to shut the computer down I sometimes found their love messages and I couldn’t help but read them.

When your heart is being torn out of your body, when your soul is burning up from the hellfire of betrayal, the pain is indescribable. And in this, to have to watch your husband’s happiness, his disgusting shame facedness – there is no way I can put words to the anguish, the humiliation and suffering. And even though he tried to hide it all from me, of course he couldn’t do that since we still shared half our lives. I read their messages of love, talking about sweet love making, about longing, about missing each other and about what they did – with each other and to each other.

So her name in my mail list makes me jump.

She wrote to thank me for giving up time so my first husband can go to visit her. Problem is, she referred to him as “our husband”. This girl really is infinitely stupid.

She also writes that she is making duaa that I will find it easy to be separated from him. So, what does she expect? Does she want me to thank her?

She finishes off with promising that I can trust her not to speak ill of me, nor do anything to upset my marriage.


She “married” my husband behind my back, she has lied and connived ever since she committed this heinous act – so now she’s not going to upset my marriage??


I don’t know what to do. Maybe I should just trash her mail and not bother about it. There’s nothing I can say really.

22 thoughts on “His Second “Wife” – Again…

  1. You can feel the arrogance in her voice, it even annoys me! I don’t think you should reply, but maybe ask your husband if he asked her/allowed her to send this email and that you don’t want to hear from her. Has he still not realised you are upset about his upcoming trip?

  2. I hate the thought of second wives. I don’t understand how it can be that first wives and seconds should tolerate each other. I don’t understand how they think how they can do this to another woman. Do they ever stop and think how they would feel? You can’t trust her Fiona. Best to stay away I think.

  3. Let ur Husband know about it and also that he might be married to her but not u.Also in future u don’t want any conversation from her.

  4. Fiona,
    In situations like this, I try to do nothing at all until all the street litter that has been blown up into the air and is swirling around has fallen to the ground and I have a clear view again. That is because you want to take action on your life, not react to hers.

    Although online communication is a defective sort of beast, it has helped me learn how to delay responding by just getting up and walking away from the computer until I’m ready. I do sort of agree with Successfull.

  5. Or accept it graciously for the intent it was meant – she was saying thank you! Just simply respond “your welcome”, and let it go!

  6. Do you think she meant it kindly? I’m not so sure. She has yet to show me a single kindness, and mailing me about “our” husband is definitely not a good start! šŸ˜¦ I did exactly as you suggested however – I sent “You’re welcome” and signed with my title and full name.

  7. You are so right! (as usual) I have also adopted the “breathe first” method. I have had enough of rash actions. I might ask my first husband if he encouraged the mail though…

  8. We don’t know how she really meant it – so why not just assume it was sent in kindness! Be the better person – so to speak!

    By saying your welcome – you did good – I think!!! Umm…Please tell me you did not sign it Mrs, …. :O Sigh!!!

    Well…OK…moving on – don’t forget the next suggestion I gave you – it is the hardest but also will help you immensely. Just let it go!! šŸ™‚

  9. Ha ha, no I didn’t sign it Mrs… =) I never call myself Mrs… I don’t need to gloat about my marriage – she knows very well who is legally married to him – and I do have his surname. No, I signed Ph.D, F.O. šŸ™‚ She got thrown out of the UK because she flunked her undergrad courses, remember? šŸ™‚
    I’ll let go. Let’s hope she will too.

  10. Dearest Fiona,

    What to do?

    I cannot give you any advice. I would not (did not) bear the pain any better, and a whole lot worse. I was a child, yes, but that actually made it more difficult. Anyway, hugs to you. I wish I could be there to have coffee and laugh about polygamy. It would be hard, except I’ve lived it. And sometimes laughing is easier than crying.

  11. Fiona,
    I understand exactly how you feel. If she wanted to be just nice, she wouldn’t have married your husband and destroyed your and your families life.
    You cant just kill someones heart and then talk polite trivialities!
    Its like having a conversation with Hitler about the weather!

  12. Oh Freya, that was the best simile I’ve heard for ages! Thank you! šŸ™‚ I hope you don’t mind if I borrow it in the future… I hope you’re well. I’m thinking about you constantly, wishing things will look up. Head up, feet down?

  13. When you step in quicksand it only makes it worse and hurt more to struggle. The best thing is to accept and stand still. If wives learn to do that they will be good and they will see that their husband is still there to help them with a strong hand and make things good again. Wives must trust their husband and his leadership. Polygyny was ordained for them by Allah swt or else they would not have polygyny. Do wives not trust Allah swt? Many dont and then they are hurt. If they find rest and peace in polygyny, dont fight it but welcome it, their life will be better and their husbands life too. Bitter and resentful women will never have peace.

  14. I am sorry Omar, but I don’t have the strength to answer this kind of post today. Maybe I’ll be able to later on. But not today.

  15. Hello,Omar

    Well Fiona I have I have lots of energy to answer this post.Listen Omar,Allah did not ordain men to hurt women.Allah ordain polygyny inorder to help struggling women in the early stages of Islam when the society was very weak,and there were vulrbale females,although there are still those females,there are other ways of helping them in stead of taking inadvatge of them. The men with your type of mentalltity makes me sick,and Allah did not force polygamy on us,he gave individuals the choice to stay or leave. How dare you say that women should just accept,maybe you should place your self in your wife’s shoes and for once try to understand what that would feel like.Allah did not force you to practice polygyny ,infact he seems to discourage it,so if your wife is constantly upset,which makes life difficult for her,than ask yourself if your a good husband.Just for the record,when men accept polygamy,than I will accept polygyny ,and since that is against Islam,than I will not accept polygyny.

    Good day

  16. The problem is that these women do not step in quicksand, they are pulled into it by their husbands – who btw are usually in the quicksand themselves. So basically you are saying stand still and accept the fact that you are going to go down with the jerk who pulled you in? No thank you!! Most men who practice polygamy, notice – I say most – are not strong enough to pull anyone out of anything! And they certainly are not smart enough – because the only brain they use is the first to be covered by they quicksand!!!

    You are right – bitter and resentful women will never have peace! So they should just get out of the polygamous marriage and let it all go – the bitterness and resentment and most importantly the man – let them all go. A woman who can not stand to live in polygamy and can not be happy living that way does not have to live in polygamy. There are plenty of men who are good men who can be perfectly happy and satisfied with only one wife! There are always, always other options. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!!!

  17. Omar,
    What men say about what women should do has never been worth the paper it wasted. Are you a man? If you are, the pixels you are now being freely given by the blog owner would be better invested talking about what men should do rather than in talking about what women should do.

    Do you believe in the afterlife? If you do, you will be held accountable for the religious arrogance you have displayed in you post.

  18. Dear Fiona,
    Yes of course you can šŸ™‚
    It might seem a drastic thing to say but so is taking other peoples husbands.
    Me, I’m taking each day as it comes. Seeing a therapist, and prozac has started to kick in. Hasn’t taken the pain away but has reduced the panic attacks a little bit.

  19. Hear hear! I will never never ever be able to understand second wives. Nope. Never. Getting help is good! I never did prozac, I’m a bit afraid of prescription drugs. I did Ben&Jerry Half Baked and Nytol instead… šŸ™‚ Whatever helps is good! Hugs!

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