My Husband, My Husband and Me

59232We went to a party yesterday. One of my best friends is moving to Australia to get married and was having a farewell party. I am really sad to see her go, but also extremely happy for her sake.

Anyway, I brought Graham because it was his night. But this friend of mine has also been a close friend of my first husband’s for more than 20 years and he naturally wanted to be there too. So, he came too. I have never been to a social function with both my husbands before and it did feel a bit, well, different. I wasn’t nervous about people’s reactions, most people there have known about my being polygamous all along. And I wasn’t really nervous about my husbands either, they have been getting along fine lately, and seem to be adjusting to our new way of life. I know living together, being neighbours, has sometimes been tough on them but things have been working out fine.

No, I was nervous about my own behaviour. I like being close to my husbands, I like it when they show they love me, put an arm around my waist, hold my hand – you know. Most of the time you never think about doing those things, they just come naturally. But now, I had to concentrate on not doing any of those things. I didn’t want to be affectionate to one husband before the eyes of the other. This is hard enough on them anyway. But it was very difficult to change my body language! I really had to concentrate! At one time, we were talking about something that happened at university and my first husband and I laughed and looked each other in the eyes, enjoying the memory. And I could see right away that Graham found it hurtful, being left out, not sharing the memory, not sharing the look that passed between us, not sharing the laughter. 

And when we came home from the party, it felt a bit weird to give my first husband a kiss on the cheek and leave him at his front door while Graham took my hand, and we both left to go home to the annex next door. I know what that would have felt like had I been my first husband! 😦

9 thoughts on “My Husband, My Husband and Me

  1. Does it not make you feel cheap to be with two men? Where is your modesty and chastity? How do you protect yourself for your husband and guard that which is his? Are you not ashamed to flaunt like this? And how can your muslim husband have such a wife? I am horrified! Don’t you know that a woman’s greatest jewel is to keep chaste for her husband?

  2. Hello Ali Amaar and welcome!

    Do you think muslim polygynous men feel cheap? Do you think they should feel cheap when they go between two, three or four women? How do they guard that which belongs to their first wife? How chaste are they? How decent are they when they choose to have plural wives without the permission or maybe even the knowledge of the first wife? Aren’t muslims ashamed of allowing men to have sex with four women while denying women the right to have plural spouses? Thereby not only allowing promiscuity but at the same time denying all people equal rights? My greatest jewel is my brain, my soul and my spirit – not what’s between my legs!

  3. Men are always quick to say that polygamy is beneficiary to women and a burden for men. Women get free time and less work while the poor men have to see to the needs of many wives and keep them happy… I have heard this from so many polygamous men. So how come if this is true that men don’t like it when women are willing to share this burden…Fiona is working hard to keep two men happy and see to their needs, she is sharing the awful burden of polygamy…So why not give her credit instead you say she is not chaste… So what are polygamous men? Are they chaste and responsible men who make a sacrifice to take care of many women or are they selfish men who want sex and love? You can not say one of polygamous men and another of Fiona…

  4. “give my first husband a kiss on the cheek and leave him at his front door while Graham took my hand and we both left…”

    Wow – that hurt, just reading the words!!! You say it felt weird, but do you also feel sad, knowing how your first husband is feeling? Do you feel bad because you are causing him pain? I am not asking to put you down or anything, I am just curious what you were really feeling as you walked away and left him there. Is there a part of you that wanted to run back and soothe him and not hurt him like that? Did you feel the same way when you saw the hurt in Grahams eyes at the party?

    After living this way for a while now – do you think you could ever go back to being monogamous with your first husband, if by chance things fall apart with Graham and your husband’s 2nd? Now that you have experienced both being monogamous and polygamous – what would be your real preference?

  5. Ali,
    You sound like a really cheap person. But most people who are cheap don’t realize it because they experience their cheapness in others.

    Carry on Fiona. It brings people like Ali out of the wordwork.

  6. Yes, I feel the pain. Your post Mary inspired me to write today’s blogpost. If polygamy is to be humane, it needs to be based on very deep love, respect, receptiveness, gratefulness, empathy and sensitivity. If you can’t feel the pain, you should never be polygamous!

    I have great difficulties now envisioning a monogamous life. I love two men and I love being fulfilled in different ways by these two men. I love many aspects of polygamy as long as it is consensual and equal. Honestly, now I do prefer polygamy. And I think sometimes how wonderful it would have been to be polygamous from the start, to build a family together. I would have loved to have children with Graham… I’m not too old, and the thought lingers, since I know that time is running out.

  7. Salaam aleykum Dale Arthur

    I agree with you that Fiona does right to let the men who are selfish in their view of islam and marriage tell their views. It explains many things of how they can live with themselves even though they make the worst hurt to their wife and children. I could never live like Fiona but I admire her strength and believe a woman should be allowed to choose same as man. I am beginning to think wifes would be better to be polygamous than husbands are….

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