Polygamy – Sharing is Having a Part of you Die

S%C3%A9pulcre_Arc-en-Barrois_111008_12I told my husband he can go see #2 in September. I told him I’ll pay for it. He’ll just have to clear it with his boss, and if everything works out, he’ll be leaving the week after next.

He can only be away for a week, but they knew that all along, that’s not of my doing. So now, I have done what I can. I even managed to tell him I’m happy for them.

My husband looks like a huge weight has been lifted from his shoulders. He Skyped her yesterday, and when he returned to the conservatory I could tell how happy he was feeling. Good. He needed something to look forward to. I know he misses her. In a way, I’m glad he does. I mean, it really would have been awful if he had put us all through this and then not really cared for the girl.

But I do have a stone in my stomach now. I had gotten used to having him all to my self. Now I have to share again. Honestly, the instinctive reaction is proof enough that people aren’t really supposed to share the people they love and share intimacy with!

I saw an episode of Friends the other day, where Joe’s father shows up with a mistress and Joe forces him to come clean with Joe’s mum. Turns out the mum knew everything all ready but had chosen to turn a blind eye. She says “He used to be a miserable grump. I couldn’t stand him. Since he met her, he’s been happy. And because he’s been feeling guilty, he has been more loving, more gentle and more romantic than ever. Now, I like things the way they are”. But still she says, she wishes she could have had that husband without having to share him with a woman who stuffs animals… πŸ˜‰ Β I know just how she feels!

Maybe the loving, tender and attentive facade of husbands, brought on by the immense feelings of guilt any sane polygynous man must feel, is one of the reasons why women stay in polygamy?

I will try to be supportive, try to show my first husband I am happy for him. But I can tell you, if it hadn’t been for Graham I would have been dying right now.

11 thoughts on “Polygamy – Sharing is Having a Part of you Die

  1. You did the right thing, Fiona πŸ™‚
    You didn’t let HER behavior dictate YOUR behavior.
    Your PERSONALITY dictates your behavior- which is graciously
    I really admire how well you have coped with all this. .
    But… you don’t have to be happy for him.
    You are only making the best of a bad deal- and doing very well πŸ™‚

  2. I think that’s really commendable of you but can I ask why you are paying for him? Also has he noticed you feel a little upset?

  3. My husband spends on his #2 – he pays for her keep and he sends money to her family in Yemen. When he became polygynous one of the things we agreed on was that if he demanded islamic rights, he would also have to live up to islamic obligations. So whatever he spends on her – he must give the same amount to me. This didn’t change when I married Graham, since I don’t spend anything on him – so I treat them just and fair! This also means that my husband pays the college fees. This leaves him almost no money. He would never be able to afford going to Oman several times every year. He wouldn’t have been able to afford going now if I hadn’t helped. I don’t think what I did is commendable. I did it just as much for my own sake as for theirs. I don’t want to become a lesser person… I don’t think my husband knows how I feel. Not yet. I tried to hide my pain. And he is happy. Well well. It is what it is.

  4. Fiona, I am awed by your kind and caring heart, your husband should kiss the ground you walk on and thank his lucky stars for you. I love your blog, it’s the first thing I go to when I get up every day! Is there a mobile version of it? I haven’t tried it on my phone yet, but soon! Thank you so much for a fascinating glimpse into your life and that of others in similar situations. You should write a book! πŸ™‚

  5. Thank you! =) I’m so glad you like my blog. It has been extremely valuable to me to be able to write here and find people to share my experiences with. Thanks you for posting!

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