Even if you chose polygamy, even if it was consensual right from the start, it will still be difficult.
There is no way we can avoid pain in polygamy. Jealousy is only a part of it. One woman here on the blog described it as “its like a loss, like the person who i thought was my husband is dead and in place is someone else.”.
Even if you gave your permission to let your spouse marry again you will find that this is true. Your husband, the husband and the marriage you had, is dead. Instead a new man, a man who is falling in love with somebody else, thinking and caring about somebody else, half of the time having to and wanting to prioritize her over you, has taken his place. Your husband will be the father of somebody else’s children. He will be missing them, longing for them, when he is with you. Your husband is dead. Instead, you are married to somebody with half a life without you. Wanting half a life without you.
Where do we find the strength to deal with this?
Many women find the strength in religion. They find comfort in believing that patience and loving for your sister what you love for yourself will bring you closer to god, closer to paradise. Polygamy can send you on a spiritual journey.
We can also find strength in friends and family, getting closer to them as our pain makes us open up and share more of ourselves, become more honest with each other. However, this can also cause you pain since people might condemn your choices.
We can find strength in new friends, wonderful strong wise and unexpected people, the way I have here on the blog. People who share and care. Thank you all.
We can also find strength in finally being forced to get to know ourselves. We find out the hard way what we can do and what we can not endure. We rise to the occasion, sometimes in ways that surprise ourselves. We learn what we need and what we don’t need, what we demand and what we are willing to give up. Once we have these boundaries set and clear before our eyes, we become stronger. If polygamy isn’t based on full and mutual respect, we shouldn’t even try to live it! But the polygamy we choose to live, polygamy based on love, respect and equal rights, can become a source of strength. When we know ourselves better, we treat ourselves and others better and gain respect – both our own and other’s. If we are able to respect ourselves and thus gain respect from the people who share our lives – polygamy can be not only be survived but actually lived.
Not without pain. But without yielding our integrity, and without yielding ourselves.