I miss You, and Love You

Backlit_Pink_Rose_Interior_With_Drops_(209284324)This is the day my parents died.

It’s been many years, but I still wake up every August 23 with a deep sense of loss.

Grief slowly lets go of its terrible grip on your heart and turns into a constant longing, a constant feeling of somebody missing from your life.

Over the last years I have sometimes felt it was good my parents didn’t have to experience my husband’s horrible betrayal, his choice to become polygamous. My parents loved him, trusted him just like I did. They would have been devastated. My hurt and suffering would have been heartbreaking to them. I would have been so ashamed of what he did if they had been here to witness it.

At the same time, I have missed being able to have my mother hold me when I cried, have my father stroke my hair.

My mother planted some of the roses that grow in our garden.

I am going to visit their grave today, and I’ll bring some of the most beautiful roses.

Life goes on.

10 thoughts on “I miss You, and Love You

  1. Salam

    Ohh am sorry that you lost your parents.I can not imagine losing mine,and having to go through trial such as polygamy alone. However,i am glad that you are not weak, you are woman that showed that no one can make you into a victim, am sure your parents would be very proud of you.


  2. They died in a car crash while my children were still small. I miss them. I still talk to them inside my head when I need them the most. I am sad they never got to see the fine young adults my children turned in to.

    Thank you souamaya for your kind words!

  3. Ever since I stopped believing in God and an afterlife, I have been afraid every single day I might lose my parents. A car crash is the one vision I cannot help shaking off almost every time I know they are in a car, because it is the most likely incident where one could lose the parents at once, without being able to say goodbye.

    I am so terribly sorry this happened to your parents. I am so sorry this happened to you way too young. I imagine there can be no consolation whatsoever, but when I think of the many people who have parents they do not really get along with, or are not very close to, emotionally, I think it is something to be grateful for, to fate or whatever, to have had amazing parents one trully loved for 10, 20, 30 years when others have them for longer, yet are not lucky to have this connection.

  4. Oh Fiona,

    My situation is very similar. Its a terrible loss whatever age we are. I am still devastated by the death of my dad and my mum is totally incapacitated in every way. It can be very lonely.

    I believe your parents see everything, including your children as fine adults. Thats just me though. I feel my dad beside me every day and it comforts me.

  5. “Ever since I stopped believing in God and an afterlife, I have been afraid every single day I might lose my parents.” So did you once believe that you will be reunited with parents in afterlife! Wow I never thought that can be another reason for people to believe in such things but I thought people deep in their heart might know that it’s very unlikely that this will actually happen

  6. Yes, to be reunited with deceased loved ones was a substantial part of my religious upbringing. I must say I was a child and early teenager when I started questioning and inquisiting our faith (still very religious on the outside, for I would have felt like a traitor to our somewhat isolated situation, religion-wise, in a rather secular majority environment). So of course this was a child’s view on the world. A period in my life where I had lost grandparents, and started wondering and hearing stories about relatives passed away too soon I had never had a chance to get to know.

    Maybe it was an individual thing. I was always slightly more afraid of losing loved ones than other classmates, from what I can remember. I grew up with stories of terrible loss in WWII, stories of ancestors of whose fine character, personality and interesting life before WWII I was told, who had died way too young. This might have shaped me personally to be more afraid than other kids my age to lose loved ones early on. But all in all, the religious interpretation of our tradition was one that definitely taught we would continue to exist as the people we were in life, not as part of a bigger world in which our souls would be consumed and part of a bigger entity as some traditions believe. We used to pray for specific loved ones we feared might need prayer to reach heaven (because they had not believed or practiced). Congregation prayers prayed for concrete deceased ones to be accepted by God among his children in the heavens. WIth this prayer for individuals, at least in my mind I had always associated as a child that we would meet them “on the other side”, surely in another form, but “recognizable”. That might have been my interpretation though.

    Anyways, when losing my faith, this indeed pained me the most, to give up the hope for the “other side”. Even though I have many irreconcilable differences with my parents on worldview and lifestyle acceptance issues, and even though religion unfortunately separates us a lot compared to my childhood, we are very close. I have not lost all hope, though. There are too many inexplicable things associated with loss and death, premonitions, etc. that – who knows – even though there might not be a personal God, there might be other forms of existence. A spark of hope left for the inexplicable.

  7. Chris,

    I always had more fear than class mates my parents would die. They were older parents, I think thats partly why. Kids would say they’re old and going to die soon…

    I believe also there could be an after life that is unrelated to god or any religious belief.

  8. Chris,
    Mormonism, at least as practiced in the United States, as the kind of very specific and detailed relationship to the afterlife as you described. This after life focus has also induced conventional restrictions in behavior to the point where you can often tell who a Mormon is by the way they dress. (i.e., they all dress alike.)

    Am I correct to assume that you wish to keep private your specific religion and more specifically where in Europe you are from? That’s OK. If you ever want to share it, I want to hear. I enjoy thinking about religions, even though I’m not religious myself.

  9. Hello Dale,

    You are quite right in assuming that I feel a little uncomfortable with giving the full details on the social background, which I also feel inhibits interesting discussions, unfortunately. This is not at all because of distrust with anyone here, I do talk about it openly with acquaintances and friends. The tricky thing about the internet is you never know who pieces two and two together. If I were to give more details on the place and the respective religions of my partner and I, I fear we could be identifiable. We both come from tightly knit religious and social communities. We have fragile, but tendentially positive relations with our respective families now. They may not approve of all of our religious and life choices, but can accept them in private so long as they are not in danger of being ostracized by their peers because of our views or relationship. Maybe this admittedly dishonest family stance will change at some point in the future.. For now, there is too much at stake for us, and frankly some nervousness around the internet, blogs etc. I resent that hide-and-seek game quite a bit. So limiting.

    Very interesting to hear about Mormons! They are very little known in Europe from my perspective, at least I have learned quite little about their religious views so far.

  10. lifeisgood, I think I understand you quite well for what you lived as a pupil. I remember when I started to realize one could lose family members at a relatively young age. I am sure the adults that made me aware of that did not mean ill at all, and your classmates probably did not understand better. But this fear does affect children, and I am glad when I was very young I had this comfort of a personal heaven. I still hope very much our existence is not over with this life. There are credible accounts of inexplicable instances. Relatives of mine who woke up in the middle of the night, absolutely terrified a loved one of theirs had passed, calling them half a world away to indeed get the news they had unexpectedly passed that same night. This cannot be explained with the material instruments and knowledge we have at hand, and we can either choose to discard it as hocuspocus, or think there might be happenings that are beyond our current sensuous capabilities and understanding. I also think that is reconcilable with a mindset that is relatively certain there is no personal God.

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