I had the talk with my first husband about sex with one spouse when it’s the other spouse’s day. First thing he did was ask me if it had happened. I told him about the day before, with Graham. He actually started to cry.
He said that the days when I am with Graham, he tries very hard not to think of me at all, and especially not me together with Graham. He tries to keep extremely busy and block his mind from even going near intimacy matters, the way you try really hard not to poke at a blister in your mouth with your tongue. He says he is learning to deal with it, and my being with Graham while he is all alone, but he says it’s exhausting, it’s takes a lot of energy.
I know exactly what he means, I’ve been there.
So he says that on his days, he can relax. He can be with me and not have to chase off his hurt, pain and jealousy. If I claim the right to have sex with Graham on my first husband’s day, he won’t be able to relax on those day’s either. It would mean that those days too would be full of anxiety, pain and jealousy. They wouldn’t be “safe” anymore.
I understand. I know the pain of having a spouse love somebody else, knowing that they are with somebody else, loving them, laughing with them, sharing secrets and intimacy with them.
I reminded him of his refusal to give me the same promise not to have sex with his #2 when only he was polygamous. That he said it was his right to have sex with any of his wives any day, and that I had no right to interfere and make decisions about #2:s sex life. It made him cringe. He was all: “I didn’t understand, I didn’t know what it felt like, I didn’t know it hurt so bad, I thought you could learn to adjust, I didn’t think we would have been given this right if it was too hard a burden to bear for the first wife”.
So I had to ask: What do you feel now? Is it too hard a burden to bear? And he said “I love you Fiona. I can never leave you. But polygamy is hell on earth.”
Well, I told him it is my right to have sex with any of my husbands any time. He said he knows. And I said that next time it might be him getting to be intimate with me on Graham’s day. He said yes.
And that’s where we left it.