A Problem with Sexual Ethics in Everyday Polygamy

Source:Wikimedia Commons

Source:Wikimedia Commons

Yesterday when I came home from work I met Graham who was bringing home some groceries. It was my first husband’s day, so I hadn’t been planning on seeing Graham.

You know, earlier, when Graham had his flat in Docklands and my first husband spent his days with #2 in St Albans, I didn’t meet the other spouse on our off days. It was really a kind of alternating monogamy, if you understand what I mean.

But now, when we live next door, it’s a different story. We can see the windows of the other building and see each other move around inside, we share the garden and sometimes we run in to each other on our ways in and out. The reality of polygamy has come much closer.

I was very happy to see Graham because I felt I had missed him during the two earlier days. So I helped him with the groceries, we chatted and laughed, and we ended up making love. It was five o clock or there about so my husband’s time hadn’t started yet. But I still feel guilty. We have this agreement that we are not to have sex with one spouse on the other spouse’s day. It was decided on when I became polygamous, on my husband’s request. I had asked the same of him when he “married” #2, but then he refused. He said it was completely up to him to decide and I had no right to interfere in #2:s sex life. That tune changed when I married Graham.

Anyway, according to islam the polygamous spouse has a right to have sex with all the consorts every day, but if you do it during the night you have to make up the time to the spouse whose night it is. So I have every right to make love to Graham, even if the night belongs to my first husband. And as things are, with us living so close, seeing each other even when we haven’t planned to, I am bound to want to have sex with the “off spouse” on occasion.

Question now is if I should talk to my first husband about this before I leave for Graham this evening. I didn’t yesterday because I didn’t want to spoil the lovely evening we had planned. Should I tell him about what happened yesterday and say it’s bound to happen again ( and also my wanting to be with my first husband on Graham’s day) or should I broach the subject as a hypothetical situation and say I claim my right to be with both my spouses any day?

I am polygamous. I don’t want to feel guilty about having sex with my husbands, and I don’t want to feel like I need to hide what I am doing like if I was having an affair. No, I need to sort this out with my first husband.

I’ll take some coffee up and have it out with him.

10 thoughts on “A Problem with Sexual Ethics in Everyday Polygamy

  1. Is your husband muslim?? How can you make him stand sharing you with another man? How does he stay? And don’t you feel ashamed to put him through being a cuckold?

  2. Hello Erdahin!

    Yes, my husband is muslim. He is willing to share me rather than lose me. He has also realized that whatever rights he has claimed for himself, he must grant me. He knows now that you can never do unto others, what you would not have them do unto you.
    I am not at all ashamed. What should I be ashamed of? Polygamy is allowed. I am following all islamic rules on treating my spouses equally. I am being just and fair. So what exactly should I be ashamed of? And my husband is not a cuckold. He is a co-husband. 🙂

  3. Dear Fiona,
    I was going to write you privately about this, but after reading Erdahin’s prejudicial question, I’ve decided to talk to you about it here.

    This morning as I was going out into the garden, I realized that for all the times I’ve said on your blog, that it is the women who are permitting this situation, and that it is up to the women to stop it, I suddenly realized that I’ve been doing the same thing.

    I was raised with, “you have to take it”, “you have to learn how to cooperate with it” “you used to take it so well (and now you’re being difficult)” “he has a right to express his feelings, you have none”.

    I know these women. They were raised to complete financial and psychological dependence on their husbands. And these horrible male websites are a good example of those influences.

    I’m very lucky. Through earned income, I’m an independent person. But my situation in life is still mine. I stood there this morning, and my perceptions had changed. I’m done. It was one tiny thing that did it. It was the 51% that tipped it over. I’m focussing on finding a path out of this, not on the misery that is keeping me here.

    Thank you.

  4. Dear Dale,

    It’s funny. Just a little while ago I mailed ABeautifulLife, who managed to change her life dramatically, and asked if there was any decisive moment, any last drop, that made her make her mind up.

    I have wondered, ever since my husband came home and told me he had become polygamous, what it takes to be strong enough to drop the ring down in the fire of Mordor.

    I am so happy if you can find a path towards your own goals, towards whatever you want to be. I am sure, through what you have shared of yourself, that you have great strengths and talents and whatever you choose to do – you can do it.

    Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help.

    Best wishes, F

  5. I think you should put you are kaffir with haram things before an honest muslim woman trying to make sense of her new life does something as heinus as listen to an adulterous woman.

  6. Dear Norah,

    If I am a kafir, you’re a munafiq. I am not a disbeliever nor a hider of truth. I divulge the truth and I believe in human rights and equality, as opposed to you and islam. I am doing nothing haram. I am living polygamy according to islamic rules with my two husbands and I am treating them fair. My husband is following the commandment to never do unto another what he would not have done to himself, and the hadith that orders him to love for his brother that which he loves for himself. We are living polygamy much more islamic than most muslims! So I am living in honorable marriage. You know that you should read this: “And those who accuse chaste women of adultery — lash them with eighty lashes and do not accept from them testimony ever after. And those are the defiantly disobedient.” Take heed!

  7. Norah

    I am a muslim woman trying to be a believer.

    I am so grateful I found this blog. It helps greatly to “make sense in my new life” to listen to a woman who is trying to live polygamy islamically without the misogyny that many muslim men have when they practice polygamy. I do believe now that polygamy must be for women too if it is allowed men. Men would think differently and act differently with polygamy if women used the hadith of brothers who should love for each other to become polygamous too like Fiona did.If women had interpreted quran and sunnah this would probalby have been so! It is not quran forbids polygamy for women – it is men! And I am a good muslim woman Norah and I believe Allah has created me equal to men. I have prayed istikhara to guide me in polygamy because of the pain of my husbands polygamy and I was guided to this blog. Thank you Fiona! You should not want to become one of the women who allow men to twist religion Norah and be the cause of pain to your sisters

  8. I am so happy to read your post First Wife! Thank you! I can’t tell you how glad I am if you get some help from this blog. And for you to say you believe in equality and women’s equal right to polygamy from an islamic perspective – wow! It is bliss! I’m here for you always! ❤

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