Question: Assalam Alaykum Fiona
It is relief to read your blog and know I am not the only woman who find pain and suffering with polygyny and nothing to save me.
My husband tell me he wants wife. Not a special wife but he was looking for he wanted more wife. He could not say why. He said not anything wrong with me he just felt Allah wanted polygyny for him. Now he has found her and is marrying her. He doesnt care nothing about how sick and miserable I am. He leaves the house and goes to masjid when I cry and faint and am sick in the stomach and cant keep my food. He says it is minor jealousy and to be expected in woman but I must see his bigger responsibility. He says it is great happiness for him and my cowife and I should be able to share their happy.
Now he says their nikah is this weekend. I am dying. He say earlier it would be in winter but now it changes for they long to be married and want no sinful thoughts of each other he says.
I am in Jahannam. I can not breath or eat or sleep or stand for my legs will not carry. My children are with my mother for they can not see me like this says husband. He has bought new clothes for nikah and showed for me and what he bought for her. I screamed and screamed and he was frighten and said wanted make me happy to show the fine clothes. How does he think? Can you explain Fiona? I am begging Allah to let my life end and I know this is sin. I am writing now as last hope from somebody who knows this pain. How do I survive my husbands wedding night? Fiona how will I live this? How do I survive that he is with her and having intimacy with his new virgin bride? I am begging somebody help me. I am alone and I want to die but my children need a mother
Yes. This is Hell. You have every right to feel the way you do! It is not selfish, it is not because of any fault in you, any lack of faith or lack of love for your sister in faith! You are feeling like this because you are being raped.
You are having your love, your trust, your dreams and your identity raped by your husband. You are having your body, your sexuality and your femininity raped by your husband. You are forced to watch your children being raped by their father. This is why you feel the way you do. And you know it will go on and on for the rest of your life, you will be raped over and over for the rest of your life, every time he leaves you to go to her you will be raped. Every time he comes back and brings her scent, her acari to your bed, her body fluids in his mouth when he kisses you, her bacteria being pumped into your body when he enters you, you will be raped. For ever and ever. Every time he leaves it starts afresh, and every time he comes back.
He will have children with her, he will leave you to fuck her when you are pregnant, to enjoy her slender body and fuck her when you are big with his child. You will be raped every day for the rest of your life, your children will be raped, and you will have to watch each other being raped, sharing the endless suffering.
And your husband will say you are to blame. because you are selfish, because you can’t love for your sister to take your husband’s penis in her mouth, because you can’t see how beneficiary it is that your husband loves to have her riding him, because you don’t enjoy watching him kiss your precious children on the cheek 15 minutes after he has eaten the pussy of his other wife, because you don’t relish the thought of your husband loving another woman.
This is why you feel bad. It’s because of what he does, not because of any fault of yours.
How to survive?
You can turn yourself into a zombie, the way women explain they manage to survive being sold as sex slaves to traffickers. You can turn yourself into a religious zombie by feeding yourself hadiths as opium, the way islam encourages you to.
You can turn the table on him and fulfill yourself by also embracing polygamy, find yourself a second husband, get a whole life again and see if your husband is willing to love for his brother what he loves for himself, or if he is a hypocrite. “The Hypocrites will be in the lowest depths of the Fire: no helper wilt thou find for them; (The Noble Quran, 4:145)”
Or you can leave him. Now. Right now.
I know which of these alternatives is really the easiest and best for you and your children.
Lots of love! //F