How do I Survive my Husband’s Wedding Night? Q&A

The warped, sadomasochistic sexism of islam

The warped, sadomasochistic sexism of islam

Question: Assalam Alaykum Fiona

It is relief to read your blog and know I am not the only woman who find pain and suffering with polygyny and nothing to save me.

My husband tell me he wants wife. Not a special wife but he was looking for he wanted more wife. He could not say why. He said not anything wrong with me he just felt Allah wanted polygyny for him. Now he has found her and is marrying her. He doesnt care nothing about how sick and miserable I am. He leaves the house and goes to masjid when I cry and faint and am sick in the stomach and cant keep my food. He says it is minor jealousy and to be expected in woman but I must see his bigger responsibility. He says it is great happiness for him and my cowife and I should be able to share their happy.

Now he says their nikah is this weekend. I am dying. He say earlier it would be in winter but now it changes for they long to be married and want no sinful thoughts of each other he says.

I am in Jahannam. I can not breath or eat or sleep or stand for my legs will not carry. My children are with my mother for they can not see me like this says husband. He has bought new clothes for nikah and showed for me and what he bought for her. I screamed and screamed and he was frighten and said wanted make me happy to show the fine clothes. How does he think? Can you explain Fiona? I am begging Allah to let my life end and I know this is sin. I am writing now as last hope from somebody who knows this pain. How do I survive my husbands wedding night? Fiona how will I live this? How do I survive that he is with her and having intimacy with his new virgin bride? I am begging somebody help me. I am alone and I want to die but my children need a mother

Answer:

Yes. This is Hell. You have every right to feel the way you do! It is not selfish, it is not because of any fault in you, any lack of faith or lack of love for your sister in faith! You are feeling like this because you are being raped.

You are having your love, your trust, your dreams and your identity raped by your husband. You are having your body, your sexuality and your femininity raped by your husband. You are forced to watch your children being raped by their father. This is why you feel the way you do. And you know it will go on and on for the rest of your life, you will be raped over and over for the rest of your life, every time he leaves you to go to her you will be raped. Every time he comes back and brings her scent, her acari to your bed, her body fluids in his mouth when he kisses you, her bacteria being pumped into your body when he enters you, you will be raped. For ever and ever. Every time he leaves it starts afresh, and every time he comes back.

He will have children with her, he will leave you to fuck her when you are pregnant, to enjoy her slender body and fuck her when you are big with his child. You will be raped every day for the rest of your life, your children will be raped, and you will have to watch each other being raped, sharing the endless suffering.

And your husband will say you are to blame. because you are selfish, because you can’t love for your sister to take your husband’s penis in her mouth, because you can’t see how beneficiary it is that your husband loves to have her riding him, because you don’t enjoy watching him kiss your precious children on the cheek 15 minutes after he has eaten the pussy of his other wife, because you don’t relish the thought of your husband loving another woman.

This is why you feel bad. It’s because of what he does, not because of any fault of yours.

How to survive?

You can turn yourself into a zombie, the way women explain they manage to survive being sold as sex slaves to traffickers. You can turn yourself into a religious zombie by feeding yourself hadiths as opium, the way islam encourages you to.

You can turn the table on him and fulfill yourself by also embracing polygamy, find yourself a second husband, get a whole life again and see if your husband is willing to love for his brother what he loves for himself, or if he is a hypocrite. “The Hypocrites will be in the lowest depths of the Fire: no helper wilt thou find for them; (The Noble Quran, 4:145)”

Or you can leave him. Now. Right now.

I know which of these alternatives is really the easiest and best for you and your children.

Do you?

Lots of love! //F

41 thoughts on “How do I Survive my Husband’s Wedding Night? Q&A

  1. I feel you sister, I had the same problem for a couple of weeks ago.. My husband wanted to marry his cousin, but my husband changes his mind when he saw me crying and when i coudnt sleep alhamdulillah…

    I FEEL YOU PAIN, inside and out! 😦 Inshaallah he will change is mind in the last minute…

  2. “You are having your love, your trust, your dreams and your identity raped by your husband.” This is a very interesting statement Fiona. Do you think this is why feminists have been so critical of the institution of marriage? You speak of feminism a lot on your blog but you have openly admitted to cutting yourself after hearing of your husband’s second marriage. Do you think this type of attachment to a man is in line with feminism? Can women truly call themselves feminists if they allow the behavior of men, i.e. infidelity or polygamy, to seriously affect their mental, emotional, and physical health? Sorry for all the questions, I am doing academic research.

  3. LOL You really don’t beat around the bush Fiona! I know many of the brothers would be totally outraged at this! I have many friends who are polgamous. I love my brothers dearly but hey, they sure are getting away with it. I hear them talking to their wives of how polygamy is a sacrifies and burden for them, how it increases the dean, how they only do it for the ummah.. Then when we’re alone they crack up and say they can’t believe how women cover up and pray share their husbands while they can be intimate will different women, rule over them and go out and drink and be with women because if a wife should ask where they are they will just go “Don’t let Shaytan whisper in your ear – love for your sister what you love for yourself” and wifey will hunker down and be quiet while hubz can do whatever he likes with whomever he likes. Honestly, many brothers use polygamy as a way to have as many women as they wnat while the wifeys will just obey, feel bad if they ever act jealous, and ofte pay the bills too! But Fiona, these brothers won’t like having it talked about openly… 🙂

  4. I think you are right. Marriage, with it’s traditional roles, is often a burden for women. But polygyny and islamic view on marriage is so much worse! Polygyny is very much about sexuality, power and also, which islamic men have confessed to me but will never admit to openly, sexual sadism. Hence the rape. Being forced, physically or mentally, to share your husband with another man is sexual sadism. It’s why you will find so many prone movies portraying women being forced to watch while their men have sex with other women. It is pornography based on domination, power, violence against somebody’s will and identity, and sexual sadism.

    I have difficulties with the concept of feminism. It can be used in so many different meanings – I mean even islamists who claim women’s right to be beaten by their husbands call themselves feminists. I believe in equality – legally and socially – always. But I believe in love too. And love means we must give somebody else the power to hurt us.

    Very interesting questions! Thank you! Did you see you got a quastion from somebody else to your last post btw? //F

  5. I also feel the pain – it makes me cringe! I hope we will hear what happens. I am hoping all is well.

  6. We do not survive. I died on my husband’s wedding night when he married my co. Everything I was and dreamed and loved died.

  7. Why do you turn to a woman like this with your question? Do you think you will find an answer to give you peace here? Do you think she will help you find your deen and iman?

    You must make duaa and pray Allah swt to guide you. You must ask to be loving towards your cowife and submissive towards your husband. You must know that what Allah has made halal no person can make haram and all that is allowed by Allah is for our benefit. You must wish luck and happiness for your husband and his new wife, and they will wish the same for you. If you love your husband so much, he must be worth the love of another woman also! Thank Allah for granting you such a husband and for allowing you to share him with a good and honest muslimah!

  8. Salam Zack

    I will try to reframe from using words that are unislamic and unlady like.Listen my brother you are the type of men that are messing up our deen.Are you serious,what type of Islam are you practicing,where in our deen does this pain ok. As fare as this sister complaining,am sorry but stop being the freaken victim.Get up,man up and leave his sorry ass.I am boiling inside right now,what type of Islam are these people practicing.Allah clearly states,that men and women have the same rights,meaning loyality ,and respect.As for the sisters that stay with these stupid husbands,for financial means,Allah will provide for you,get some back bone and stop being such weak human being.You must remember you breathed before this man,and you will without him.Learn your deen or man like Zack here,will translate it for you,and you see how that turns out. I wanna scream,oh smokes Fiona I see why you are always attacking Islam,but remember that is not Islam.its culture.
    I see polygamy actually forbidden by Allah.Ok ,let me explain, Allah says marry 2,3,or4 but marry only one if you can not do justice,and he includes you will never do justice ,therefore stay with one.To me that sounds do not do it,or you will be unjust and sin,right.I do not blame the men,i blame the women,cause he thinks soo little of you that he wants someone else,and does not care or does not fear you.I think men should fear women,that is the only way the control them.If a woman has her independentance from herself ; money,friends,and intelliegnec no man will mess with you, cause you just get another one.My sister ,am sorry if I was hard on you,but you need tough love,at least for your children sake.

    Salam

  9. Sometimes Souamaya, when I read posts like this one from women, I have to go outside and catch my breath because the frustration gets to me. I cry a lot. I can’t understand how anybody – culture or religion – can condone this, or even reluctantly let it happen. I don’t understand it.

  10. My husband went ahead with the marriage. He left yesterday morning saying he was going to the masjid. I was afraid and crying and asked him if he was getting married, he said no. Then he called me and said he was married. He said he had lied so I would not try to stop him or make a scene and make him miserable. He said he will be gone now seven days and I will have time to adjust. I don’t know what I said. I don’t remember. I am in a chock and dont know what happens. I am dead maybe. Help me somebody, I am suffering so much and my head doesn’t work. Souamaya sister than you for writing and caring, what would you say I should do now sister, I am not thinking straight. I am so sick.

  11. I know where you are right now, I know what it feels like. Please, remember you are not alone. You can do this. You have children who need you.
    And you have a week to decide what to do.

    Want my advice?

    You said your children are with your mother. Go there. Be with them. Surround yourself with people who love you. Tell them what happened. Ask your mother for her support in leaving your husband. Go to a lawyer. Get help with filing for a divorce. Tomorrow is Monday. Do it then. And get the lawyer to accompany you to the masjid or the sharia council. Tomorrow. File for Khula. Tell them you are so full of hatred and disgust towards your husband you are afraid you will commit a terrible sin if you are forced to stay married to him. Tell them you will never again be willing to give him any of his rights. These are valid reasons, or should be. Do it tomorrow. You can bring your mother or your wali or your lawyer. Make sure they grant you a khula. When they agree, write your husband a letter. Let him know your marriage is over.

    Hugs!! ❤

  12. Please love yurself and respect ur feelings.We all have only one life and we are here for a purpose plz make sure its more than getting raped every second every moment.Your relation is already dead and murderer is none other than ur Husband so what are u waiting for??our Heart just takes time to accept reality what ur mind already knows.Your Husband has already proved whats ur worth in his eyes ur incurable pain is a scene for him…..so start seeing the world and strength with ur own eyes now u know ur Husband as a person so its time for him to show how strong u are as a person.If in Islam its inescapable for women to be in hell then let it be after death…IF WE ARE BORN ALONE,WE DIE ALONE THEN SURELY WE CAN LIVE ALONE!! if they wont feel then men will simply keep on doing what they want and how they want,BEING A SOLO VICTIM OF INJUSTICE IS NOT LESS THAN COMMITING A CRIME ITSELF.let ur Heart accept what ur mind already knows. Plz dont loose hope respect ur life and leave ur Murderer completely.Please divorce him and let us know what step u have taken…

  13. My husband came home yesterday, told me that his cousin (who he almost married for some weeks ago, remember fiona?) are maybe getting married to my husbands other cousin. This male cousin who is asking for her hand are a drug addict, changes women all the time, hit them AND so much more…
    No my head spinning, should I say to my husband to marry her instead – to help her to a better life?? Oh 😦

    She will live in Pakistan, but yeah……. I cant think straight. My husband say that If i dont say Yes, then he dont change his “no” to a “yes”..

  14. What if marriage to this woman is the only thing that can help the cousin to a better life? What if they grow to love each other? What if marriage, responsibilities and love helps him get control of his addiction and this is the one thing in the world that can achieve that? Do you want to take that chance from this man who obviously is in need of great changes in his life, changes your husband doesn’t need? Why should you rob the cousin of a chance for a better life?

    Anyway, this woman is not your responsibility. It is not up to you to change her life. It does say something important about your husband’s family though that they are willing to marry her off like that. You should stay as far away from this as possible, and whatever happens it is absolutely no fault of yours!!

  15. Salam Sister in Islam,

    Do u say that he said if you do not say yes,he will do it anyways.Please answer,cause to me it seems like he still wants to get married to her.Why in the hell should u care about who his cousin get married too,did they care about u when u were in pain,while pregnant.I honesty do not even know what to say,would ur husband divorce you because he wanted to save ur unmarried cousin ,if u were good for him.Marriage is a personally thing,and if there is no loyality and respect than there is nothing left,him getting married to his cousin should not be brought up again ever,he has done it one time,and u still stayed ,I would have never stayed even if he said he will not marry her,but u did.But sorry sister,but look at the lack of respect u get in her marriage,u need to do seriouse soul searching,because I do not undertand

    Good luck Salam

  16. I would be willing to bet your husband is lying to you to guilt you into saying yes! if you say yes for what ever reason, you will NEVER be able to complain about your husbands 2nd marriage ever – after all you agreed to it and he only did it because you consented.

    If I were you I would stand my ground. He will probably continue these manipulative tactics and use your guilt and your compassion for the well being of this cousin to get you to consent. .Once again- I would not take on the responsibility of making the decision for your husband but instead would stand my ground concerning your decision. Just keep stating that you will not stay in a polygamous marriage. If he marries other women you WILL divorce him. (And you have to mean it) These statements are announcing your decision only!! He can decide for himself and choose whatever he wants – AND deal with the consequences of losing you if he marries her or other women. Or he can stay monogamous and stay married to you!! His choice, but you are not making it for him – you are only making your own choices about your own life, which is all you are entitled to do!!!

  17. Yes, I hear you! Maybe he is lying, maybe not. No, If I say no – then its no. If I say yes, then its a yes. He can never see me hurt like last time he said, so if i dont say yes then he will never do it…

    Believe me, my head is spinning… Maybe he havent said no to his parents like he said he had? Maybe he will do it in secret? I know he wants her, but when he saw me dead inside last time, he will never see me like that again.. So he want me to say YES or NO, he said
    ” You lock me in, I hate that I have all the responisibility. If I say yes, then you die inside slowly. If I say no my cousin´s life is all fckt up.” …. I keep telling him that I CANT SAY yes.

  18. The responsibility of making a decision about another woman’s life is not yours – although your husband would like you to feel responsible. Just tell him flat out – you will not say yes and you will not say no. However – IF he marries another woman, you will not stay married to him, period. The decision is his to make, it is not yours to make and you should refuse to accept the responsibility for it!

    You will have to be firm with him and tell him directly, “I will NOT make this decision one way or the other for you. Your decisions are yours to make, my decisions are mine to make. We each will be held accountable to Allah for those decisions. You know where I stand as far as my marriage to you is concerned. But, make no mistake, I will NOT stay married to you if you marry another woman, no matter who it is. That is my decision to make and I am letting you know right now that is the decision I will make. Now you can make your decision concerning what you will do. I will not be responsible for your decision or the consequences you have to face because of them. I will only be held responsible for my own decisions. This woman is not my concern and I will not make any decisions concerning her life. If she has a f..cked up life then it is her parents responsibility for making decisions for her and choosing poorly! End of discussion!!”

    And you repeat this over and over to him every time he brings it up. Don’t waiver, and don’t back down. You will regret it the rest of your life if you do. Just understand he will try every thing to throw this on you. You just stay with the same sentences over and over! But you have to mean it. And if he does marry her secretly – you will know – and then you should give him the consequence he chose!

  19. I understand, but Im not going to get a devorce from him. Never. We have 3 young children together, and I cant take their father away from them.

    I hope he dont do it, I hate that we had this conversation 2-3 weeks ago, and we agreed on a no. Now we are back at page 1 with the same discussion.. Tired of this.

  20. But he is willing to become a father with children on another continent. Making babies with his new wife while you are spending nights and days alone, tending to the children he has with you. Even if you are not willing to take their father from them, he is willing to give himself away. And you are willing to let him have children who will never have a father. Just a stranger who turns up once a year to sleep with mum for a few days. I am sorry if I am rough, but you seem to need it. Wake Up!

  21. I understand AND i have thought about everything. I know how hard its going to be, and I will hate him for the rest of my life IF he does this. But our children needs their father, so I really hope I wont be forced into a polygami marriage….

  22. You are having this conversation again because he did not agree on a no! His mind is made up – it’s a yes – and he is in the process of manipulating you to be the one to make the decision so you can’t blame him when you are upset about it all! You are also having this conversation because he knows you will not divorce him ever! He has nothing to lose in carrying out the decision he has already made, he just intends to drag you along until you give in! And you will, you are already on that path!!

    The way I see it – you will have a co-wife within the year. So buck it up – and pray he does not fall madly in love with the other woman and starts spending more time with her and her children, and then your children will have lost their father anyways! Good Luck! You are going to need it!!

  23. This “co-wife” are going to live in Pakistan the hole time, so his going to be with her 1 mounth / year. So Im not afraid that he will spend more time with her. Im never going to say ” Yes, go ahead! Go and get married” Never. And he knows that, yesterday he said ” If I say yes this time, its going to easier for you cuz now you know how its feels to hear a yes” – “If you say yes, then its going to be easier. Last time you felt so hurt and was crying all the time cuz you said no, and I said yes”…

    All this stupid men, I HATE THEM 😛

  24. There is no telling what will happen once they marry. They might fall in love. It’s likely that they will. Making love is called making love for a reason. Sharing intimacy creates a bond and we respond to it with emotions. When he makes love to her, he is likely to fall in love with her. When he returns to you she will Skype him, crying and begging. How do you think that will make him feel? He will miss her and long for her, and he will resent you for wanting more than your fair share, even though you agreed on this. When she is pregnant with his child and Skypes him and cries for him to be there, how do you think he will feel? When she has the baby and he’s not there – whom do you think he will blame? Whom do you think she will blame? When his little children say “daddy” the first time over Skype? When they cry for him?

    How will you feel every time he hides away with the computer to have cybersex with her? When he cries himself to sleep missing her, blaming you for her pain and his?

    Please, listen to Mary. You must let him know that the decision is all his. You must let him know that the decision to leave him if he says yes is all yours. And that you will leave him if he says yes. There is no alternative. But you are the one who are letting him play this game. What is happening now is your fault, not his. He is using his rights and getting what he wants. You are not using your rights, you are giving away all your children’s rights and their security and their happy future as a family. What you are doing now will hurt your children for the rest of their lives.

  25. Haha, i just must tell you that this cousin have never justed a computer. its all about tradition, the woman should just be at home. A woman in their family are never going to juse a computer. So Cypersex, haha.. Its not 0.01% chance that it will happend. Talking om skype, maybe thought the phone. But never sex haha. All woman sleeps in the same room, mum, dad, uncle and so and lives in one big house.

  26. That’s what I was thinking too. #2 is from Yemen, lives with an elderly aunt and a sick elderly friend, never leaves the house in Oman. Turns out however that she got a computer from my husband because it enabled them to communicate. Calling is way too expensive…. I never thought of cybersex either, until I happened to walk in on them… Women do learn you know, and the family will let her have time alone with her husband on Skype. In Pakistan Skyping is very common, since so many have husbands in the West..

  27. @ Miserable wife!!
    How are u dear??
    Don’t try to survive, u will die every moment.Divorce ur Husband…
    Let us know what step have u taken??
    Lots of love dear..

  28. Thanks for reminding us, Successfull! I’ve been thinking about her too. I hope Emma, Your sister in islam, Freya, Miserable wife and Fearful and all other women who have posted here for support are ok and that they know we’re here for them!

  29. @ Fiona!
    Actually Emma,Fearful,Freya seem to me a bit mature and can face reality.Also choose whatever is good for them but I find Miserable wife’s post and the Question most painfull and also we have
    no idea about her situation right after marriage……
    I hope the Best for her and others too!!

  30. You are right, I am worried about Miserable wife. Let’s hope she’ll post again and tell us she’s ok!

  31. Im alive 🙂 My husbands cousin are going to marry someone else in pakistan. Everyone cried and she will not have a happy life but my husband couldnt go trough with it because he saw me so upset and cried all the time. So im happy to tell you all, that my husband is ONLY MINE ;-D

  32. Hi Ysii, good to hear from you again!! 🙂

    I can’t tell you how relieved and happy I am for you. And for your husband. I don’t think he understood how much he stood to lose by becoming polygamous, men seldom do. I hope the other woman can find happiness in her life. I hope nobody is blaming you for how things turned out? Hugs, F

  33. Salam

    Am here and read. I am so much depressed is not possible I write. I am alive but not live a life anymore everything is so much pain and sad.

  34. My heart goes out to you. Please, I do understand if you can’t find the strength to write, but please know that we are here and we are all thinking about you. I know the black pit you are in, I have been there myself. But there is a way out – I promise! Take care, lots and lots of love, F

  35. @ Miserable wife
    What have you thought about rest of your life?? How long will you force yourself into unavoidable pain and depression and letting your Husband doing all this to you?? You can never survive the pain of being raped physically, mentally and spiritually and there’s nothing left between you people that can sustain your relationship. Its already dead and the person whom you devoted your life, love, devotion is the one responsible for all this and even not bothering about it- You have to accept that later or this very moment. Holding onto something that is dead can only give you immense pain, depression and make you miserable. You can’t run away from reality for your entire life. Please take help of your parents, And loved ones and get rid of this pain for it will take you nowhere.
    Please love yourself and take care of your right as a human being(You have right to live your life)
    Lots of love!!

  36. Assalam alaykum all

    and thank you all for caring words I read every day and is my only place to breathe and feel a bit better knowing you know what this is like and somebody can understand my pain. I’m from a country in Africa where polygamy is common and there is no way I can leave my husband I have nowhere to go. I have been very sick with losing weight and my hair and pain in my back and my stomach and my husband has been angry because I can not take care of the house and everything and he says it is because I am selfish and only if I believe I am better than all other women could I mind sharing. Do you think this is so, is it why I hurt so much? I feel like I am losing my mind also not only my husband. The doctors have told him to leave me alone when I am so sick but he tried to be intimate with me and it hurt so much it was like the first time again but much worse. He had to stop and I cried and cried. I think I am very sick. I am so afraid and I have nobody. My children are always with my mother because I can’t take care of them and I miss them I have nobody.

  37. I feel so sad reading about miserable wife’s pain. Fiona, I think there is need to do more than blogging. Giving women a chance to walk out of the marriage and live a life of dignity. I feel so sad reading these women’s stories. Imagine how many are there who don’t use internet and have no outlet for their feelings 😦

  38. Dear Miserable Wife,
    Thanks for all your e.mails, I hope my answers have been of some value to you. Please let me know if there’s anything more I can do. ❤

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