Question: Hello Fiona
I can’t tell you have happy I was to find your blog!
Every other blog is about how we must be patient with our husbands marrying other women, how we must love to share our husband, how we must submit to the wisdom of polygamy. It was such a relief to find you and a blog that talks openly and honestly about the immense pain of polygamy!
My husband told me about a year ago that he wanted to marry again. We are happy in our marriage and have wonderful children so that was not the reason. He has been influenced by people of his masjid that polygamy is a kind of charity and it is the best way to make the ummah stronger. I was very broken and sick when he told me. I cried and begged him not to do it, but he said that he had expected me to hurt but he knew that I would get over it because I must be strong in my faith and the brothers had told him all women get over it when they see they will not lose their husbands. I tried to tell him this just isn’t true. That it wasn’t the thought of losing him that scared me and made me sick, but the thought of sharing him. He said I would have to fight my jealousy. He said he knew I would come about when I had adjusted to my new life and seen the good in polygyny. I tried to make him understand that he can’t trust what the imams tell him about women. That I am just as hurting, feeling and thinking as him. He just sighed and shook his head and said I must adjust.
A few months ago he married. He told me the night before the nikah. I was devastated, I can’t tell you how it hurt. I screamed and cried and aksed why he had not let me prepare. He said he didn’t want me to hurt and think about it, and he didn’t want me to try and stop it. So I spent a week in shock while he got married and was on honeymoon. I was like a zombie half asleep and afterwards I could not remember what I did. The pain can not be described. When he came back he was so happy and said how he had missed me and how he loved me and he carried me in his arms. I just cried. He tried to say the worst is over now, you just have to get used to your new life and find good ways to enjoy your time off from me. He thought he could make me laugh. He was shining with happiness. I had a fire inside that was eating me like I had drunk acid. It hasn’t stopped. The pain is still unbearable. I can not talk to him because my hate will shine through. I can not touch him or I will vomit. He is worrying. He keeps asking if I have adjusted If I have found happiness in sharing. I say no. He says I am an unnatural woman who can not share. Now I am waiting for him to say my co-wife is pregnant. That is the day I will die.
How do I make him understand the real pain of polygamy? How do I get past his visions and what his brothers at tha masjid have told him? How do I show him my heart and make him really feel the pain he is causing me? Please help. Either I make him understand or I will not be able to live this.
Answer: Dear Fearful,
Have you heard of Anders Behring Breivik? The man who committed the horrendous terror attacks in Norway, killing almost 80 children and teenagers?
It was one of the most heinous and sick crimes I have ever heard of. The sheer evil of it is so gutting, so frightening, I can hardly bring myself to understand what he has done, the pain and suffering he has caused. Now, Breivik is a very sick man. He still believes what he did was right, was for a good cause. That’s how he can live with himself after having committed this crime against humanity.
Can you imagine what he would feel like if he one day woke up and really understood what he has done? What it would be like for him to see what he has done in the light the rest of us see it? If he could feel, understand and live the pain and suffering he has caused? The feeling, the insight would kill him! Nobody could live with knowing they had done that, realizing that it was wrong – actually feeling the pain.
This is why your husband will never understand your pain. His psyche will forbid it. I f he were able to understand, really feel and incorporate what he has done to you, the pain and suffering he has inflicted, he would never be able to live with himself! He would never be able to grasp it and admit to himself it was wrong, because that would drive him insane.
That is why polygynous men hold on so tight to their beliefs, their falsehoods and their islamic views on women. If they were able to feel the pain they are causing it would drive them mad.
If they understood that they are the Breiviks, they wouldn’t want to live anymore, knowing the crime against humanity they have committed, the excruciating suffering they have caused their wives and children.
That is why you will never be able to make him understand or feel the real pain of polygyny.