How Can I make my Husband Understand the Pain of Polygamy? Q&A

People who commit crimes against humanity will not be able to admit and feel the pain and suffering they have caused. It's part of their illness.

People who commit crimes against humanity will not be able to admit and feel the pain and suffering they have caused. It’s part of their illness.

Question: Hello Fiona

I can’t tell you have happy I was to find your blog!

Every other blog is about how we must be patient with our husbands marrying other women, how we must love to share our husband, how we must submit to the wisdom of polygamy. It was such a relief to find you and a blog that talks openly and honestly about the immense pain of polygamy!

My husband told me about a year ago that he wanted to marry again. We are happy in our marriage and have wonderful children so that was not the reason. He has been influenced by people of his masjid that polygamy is a kind of charity and it is the best way to make the ummah stronger. I was very broken and sick when he told me. I cried and begged him not to do it, but he said that he had expected me to hurt but he knew that I would get over it because I must be strong in my faith and the brothers had told him all women get over it when they see they will not lose their husbands. I tried to tell him this just isn’t true. That it wasn’t the thought of losing him that scared me and made me sick, but the thought of sharing him. He said I would have to fight my jealousy. He said he knew I would come about when I had adjusted to my new life and seen the good in polygyny. I tried to make him understand that he can’t trust what the imams tell him about women. That I am just as hurting, feeling and thinking as him. He just sighed and shook his head and said I must adjust.

A few months ago he married. He told me the night before the nikah. I was devastated, I can’t tell you how it hurt. I screamed and cried and aksed why he had not let me prepare. He said he didn’t want me to hurt and think about it, and he didn’t want me to try and stop it. So I spent a week in shock while he got married and was on honeymoon. I was like a zombie half asleep and afterwards I could not remember what I did. The pain can not be described. When he came back he was so happy and said how he had missed me and how he loved me and he carried me in his arms. I just cried. He tried to say the worst is over now, you just have to get used to your new life and find good ways to enjoy your time off from me. He thought he could make me laugh. He was shining with happiness. I had a fire inside that was eating me like I had drunk acid. It hasn’t stopped. The pain is still unbearable. I can not talk to him because my hate will shine through. I can not touch him or I will vomit. He is worrying. He keeps asking if I have adjusted If I have found happiness in sharing. I say no. He says I am an unnatural woman who can not share. Now I am waiting for him to say my co-wife is pregnant. That is the day I will die.

How do I make him understand the real pain of polygamy? How do I get past his visions and what his brothers at tha masjid have told him? How do I show him my heart and make him really feel the pain he is causing me? Please help. Either I make him understand or I will not be able to live this.

Answer: Dear Fearful,

Have you heard of Anders Behring Breivik? The man who committed the horrendous terror attacks in Norway, killing almost 80 children and teenagers?

It was one of the most heinous and sick crimes I have ever heard of. The sheer evil of it is so gutting, so frightening, I can hardly bring myself to understand what he has done, the pain and suffering he has caused. Now, Breivik is a very sick man. He still believes what he did was right, was for a good cause. That’s how he can live with himself after having committed this crime against humanity.

Can you imagine what he would feel like if he one day woke up and really understood what he has done? What it would be like for him to see what he has done in the light the rest of us see it? If he could feel, understand and live the pain and suffering he has caused? The feeling, the insight would kill him! Nobody could live with knowing they had done that, realizing that it was wrong – actually feeling the pain.

This is why your husband will never understand your pain. His psyche will forbid it. I f he were able to understand, really feel and incorporate what he has done to you, the pain and suffering he has inflicted, he would never be able to live with himself! He would never be able to grasp it and admit to himself it was wrong, because that would drive him insane.

That is why polygynous men hold on so tight to their beliefs, their falsehoods and their islamic views on women. If they were able to feel the pain they are causing it would drive them mad.

If they understood that they are the Breiviks, they wouldn’t want to live anymore, knowing the crime against humanity they have committed, the excruciating suffering they have caused their wives and children.

That is why you will never be able to make him understand or feel the real pain of polygyny.

22 thoughts on “How Can I make my Husband Understand the Pain of Polygamy? Q&A

  1. This is the best explanation I have ever seen, make us understand how men can do this to their wife and children. Thank you Fiona. I wish all men who think about polygyny would read this!

  2. It is much pain yes and I think husbands do not want to know they are the reason for extreme suffering. I think you are right that they try to hide from their guilty contiense. I think they try to think women feel different because they dont want to know we are just as damaged by polygamy as they would be! But we must remember Allah has made polygamy permissable.

  3. The best way to make him realise all that is to find second husband for u or leave him completely.As he has already proved he is not worthy of ur Love,trust and devotion……. Becoming a solo Victim of injustice is not less than comitting a crime itself.if he has forgotten make him realise ur worth and he has shown how is he as a person ,till now you would have just seen him as ur Husband so its time for u to show how strong are u as a person.

  4. I asked for a divorce. My father went with me to the council and we filed for divorce on grounds I could not live the sin of refusing my husband his rights and I could not give him his rights because I am disgusted with him. The judge said it is valid reason. My father followed me home and told my husband and said he must come to a consultation at the sharia council. My husband was so upset I have never seen him so upset. He was crying and saying he did not think I could divorce for a halal thing and I would adjust and be happy because all the brothers said wives are happy when everything settles down. And my father kindly explained that there is no compulsion to stay if a wife can not live with a polygamous husband. My husband begged me to take my request back but I said no. My husband said he would grant me divorce and gave me talaq but he was so upset. I went to my parents’ house and took the children. They are so small they must stay with me. My husband called me and begged and begged I would come back. I could not. The decision was so painful I could not take the decision back after I went through all this. Then my husband called my father and said he would divorce his second wife if I came back to him. Now I don’t know what to do. I never asked him to divorce her. I feel very bad. I knwo a wife should never ask her husband to divorce another wife. But I did not do that! But he would not be divorcing her if it wasn’t for me. Now I am all confused. I have no idea what I should do. I want my children to grow up with their father and mother. And I love my husband. But I hate him also for what he did. And I don’t know if I could ever trust him again. And I don’t want to commit a sin if he divorces his second wife. My head doesn’t work anymore. I need advice. I don’t know what to do!

  5. Dear Fearful,
    First, I think you should change your handle. Nobody should call themselves “fearful” even if it accurately describes a transitory state of mind. Why not call yourself “courageous”? Wouldn’t it help, just a little, to see that word on the screen, associated with you?

    Your post really distressed me. Especially the sentence “My head doesn’t work anymore.” Nobody should be reduced to that state, especially by the actions of someone who purportedly loves you. Your head and your heart belong to you. They need to work.

    You said “I need advice.” No one can give you advice. So the first thing to do, is get your head back. When that happens, you’ll be on the path.

    Having read the little bit of your story that you have put out, I think if you husband divorces number 2, he will hold that over you in big ways, and even worse, in small ways, forever.

    Let us know how things go.

  6. I agree with Dale, you shouldn’t allow your husband to play games with your head. You must make up your own mind, and in doing that you must put yourself and the children first – not your husband.

    His second wife is not your responsibility, she is his. If he wants to divorce her, that is his choice. I do however think Dale is right, if he divorces her to get you back, he will hold it against you. Maybe you have reached the point of no return?

    I think you did good in leaving. And I am happy your parents are supporting you through this!

  7. Salam

    Firstly I just want to say well done for actually plucking up the courage and seeking divorce. Whether you reconcile or not he will forever know you mean what you say and will hopefully not take you for granted. It seems like your husband lived in a bubble, he was persuaded by people to get another wife and was persuaded that everything will be ok at home with you in time. Anyone with a logical mind knows that isn’t true but he didn’t want to accept that. I think we can firmly say his bubble has now popped.

    I think you can look at his offer to divorce his second wife in 2 ways. In one way it shows that he actually does love you and want you, more than her, that he actually did expect things to be ok with you in time, that he never wanted to leave you. And secondly, if he does divorce his other wife and you reconcile, he will hold it over your head that he did you a favor, he gave up on something he loved and desired for you, so you should now do x y z. This in itself will create problems. Like you said, how can you trust him again? He betrayed you, will you ever love him or think of him the same? Will you be happy remembering he betrayed you and has been with another woman, or will you be happy worrying he might do it again. You have to ask yourself is this the life you want to lead.

    As for what to do, first and foremost you need time to clear your mind so if you can cut contact with him and ask for time to think about what he has offered, and allow him also to consider what he has offered to make sure he is 100% willing to divorce #2. What you should do depends on if you are financially independent. It’s good to hear your parents are backing you but can you one day move out somewhere with your kids? Also how likely is it for you to remarry in your culture? I think right now you are very emotional, you love your husband and just want things to go back to how they were. They can never go back 100% to how they were but you’re hoping with her gone you can be happy again. But what if you spent time away and thought logically about what life will really be like. Would you not prefer to move on and find a better man and be happy?

    Sister in Arabic heart is qalab, it comes from the word mutaqalab, which means revolving. Your heart changes, it revolves, time will heal and if you give yourself time your heart will stop focusing on him so do not worry how you will cope without him. Allah swt is your protector and provider and sustainer. He looked after you even before your parents, so now He will stop? And He will look after your children, like He looked after them when they were in your womb.

    If you do decide to go back to him, he should first divorce her and give him time to get over it, and also you need to discuss with him that he should not use this against you and you want a promise that he will not marry anyone else again. Can I just say though sister, you say he would not have divorced #2 if it wasn’t for you, but how strong do you think their relationship is if he is willing to divorce her just like that to get you back? Even if you meant more, if he truly loved #2 he would not just offer to get rid of her. But that doesn’t mean I think you should go back to him. Practically it is easier, it is familiar, it is good for your children, but once you look into the details it is very difficult forgiving and forgetting such a massive betrayal. Do let us know how things go, inshallah this was helpful x

  8. Yours Husband #2 has got nothing to do with u and by marrying only they have already caused much pain than u could make them repay so don’t feel bad for ur actions.Tell ur Husband that the worst is over and now u just have to get used to ur new life he has chosen himself.And u havent said all this in advance becoz u didnt want to hurt him and think about it also try to stop u.
    There’s no Religion that asks u to be a martyr at the cost of ur husbands lust.Children doesn’t need nything if they have a strong mother like u.

  9. Thank you S, for your excellent advice, and warm heart in offering it!

    I wholeheartedly agree.

  10. I just want to add that it’s important to understand that your husband is trying to put the decision to divorce his 2nd on you. It is not your decision to make. You can only make decisions concerning yourself. And you have made your decision – that you will not be in a polygamous marriage. So that is what you tell your ex – husband. His decisions are his decisions and he has to live with the consequences of his own decisions. If or when he is single – by his own choice and intends to never live polygamy again ever – then he can come and try to court you again. At that time – you will see where your heart leads you! But for now he is a married msn, and you have firmly stated that you will not live in a polygamous marriage – period- so you have nothing further to say to a married man.

  11. u umm muhammad, how dare u say that Allah made polygamy permissable?.. are u insane?… were Allah came down to u and whispered to u? its your own interpretation and judgement… if u really have nothing good coming out from ur ill infected brain then just keep tiz stupid ideology for urself.
    tiz site is for an help for the wife’s and womens out there who is suffering silently. let Fiona help them, please stop talking shit the way the islamic broherhood preach their supremacy.

  12. obviously.. is there anything else u expecting us to answer to ur so called innocense dumb quest?.. u see heewajja, its very simple, do u really like to see ur mother crying silently while ur father is happily making out with a younger chick?… i dont think so u liked the idea isnt?.. so the same goes for all the wannabe’s who wanted to commit polygyny in the name of islam.. its that simple.. !

  13. Hello The One and welcome,

    I hope you don’t mind I took an offensive word out of your post. //F

  14. Dear fearful sister,

    No matter pliz dont go back, understand it very clearly. U can only go back once u hv made up ur mind to b in a polygamy marriage, they will divorce, someone will come no matter hw long it will take, now they will b lovers hiding it from u, it will eat u more. Men r like that, the only good solution is follw ur heart and choose from these two.
    Not going back or go back and stay as one woman but hidengly u r two. Please a man or Allah. Your heart is important.

  15. I recently got married to a converted brother. He is very nice to me, but he told me that he open to polygamy. I told him I am against it, and he said he respects my choice and he would not do it if I do not allow him. I know some readers would say that I should be satisfied that he is respecting my will. However, the idea that he is willing to be with someone else is very disturbing. I know the story mentioned above is way more powerful than mine, and I know no one can change what I am going through, but I wanted to share my feelings in this blog. I really wish if he thinks that I am the only one he seeks in life, without consideration of other potential women. It just makes me sick to my stomach

  16. @ Fearful but hopeful!
    How are you dear?
    Finally What decision your Husband has taken??
    Are you with him in a polygamous marriage or monogamous or separate??
    Please let us know what happened after you wrote all your feelings about his actions and discussed your heart which I remember you mentioned somewhere??

  17. Polygamous men are only that way so they can have multiple partners and use religion as an excuse to be scum. They have no sense of loyalty or empathy let alone love. You are their horse. They ride you when they feel like riding you, they have you cook, clean and bare their offspring when they need those things. You are tools to them and nothing more. You want to make him understand the pain? Divorce his sorry behind. He does not love you. He is a con artist who uses charm and religion to use and procure a harlem.

  18. @ Fearful but hopeful!
    Please do reply and let us know about you, your marriage and Life…
    I am really concerned about you..

  19. Dear muslimkt2009, of course it sickens you. You have an absolute right to that feeling! To love exclusively and to mant to be loved back the same way is natural. Try asking him what he would feel about you getting a second husband? How do you think he would feel about that? ❤

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