I read this blogpost by a muslim man who wrote that many “brothers” are afraid to marry divorcees, because of insecurities. Obviously muslim men are very scared of being with a sexually experienced woman. This man wrote that it isn’t as much about glorifying virgins, which according to him is more a female thing in muslim culture, but being afraid of comparison – and falling short.
Every single day, you will meet people who are bigger, faster, stronger, smarter, wittier, and more skilled than you. If you allow your mind to dwell on your weaknesses vs their strengths, then you will always see yourself as the lesser person. What can be worse in this situation is dwelling on what is unknown, wondering if you are being compared unfavorably against someone else.
Upon reflection, you may find that your mind is asking itself the wrong questions and answering with worst case scenarios, such as “What if I’m not as good as her previous husband?” and answering with “She will think me a lesser man.” (Source: http://muslimmatters.org/2013/04/19/shes-not-damaged-goods-we-have-damaged-standards/)
You might imagine the insecurities of a man who is imagining being compared, not with a previous husband but with a co-husband!
But is this a male thing, something typical for man? NO! This is how women feel too – especially women in polygyny. They know they are compared every single day, to another woman. It is agony!
Muslim men are obviously recommended to avoid the problem by marrying virgins. (Even though many muslims defend polygyny by claiming it’s to protect widows and divorcees…) But even if they marry a widow or a divorcee, they will only be compared to a memory. And still they groan and feel insecure!
But islam requires women to put up with the daily pain, suffering and insecurity of polygyny. Even forced polygyny. And if they fall to pieces under the pain, they will only be told they are low in deen, or suffering from petty female jealousy.
So if a muslim man is insecure, his feelings are worthy of respect and he is told how to avoid these feelings. A women who is insecure must be taught to humble herself and be rid of her nafs. And still islamist scholars have the audacity to say muslim men are carrying the tougher load, even in polygyny:
And if you compare the fatigue, hardship, and efforts of the man in fulfilling the interests of the women with what the women have to endure of jealousy, you would find that the man’s share of having to endure this fatigue, hardship, and effort is much greater than what the women have to endure of jealousy…” (Source: Idealmuslimah.com)
A woman’s interests in islam is to serve, obey and respect her husband. So this muslim husband’s heavy burden is to make sure several women have an opportunity to serve and obey him, giving him sex whenever he commands. Tough! Sure, the burden of women forced or coerced to live polygyny doesn’t come near to that.
Any muslim man considering polygyny should first be forced to walk a thousand miles in the shoes of a man living polyandry.