My Husband, My Husband and Me

59232We went to a party yesterday. One of my best friends is moving to Australia to get married and was having a farewell party. I am really sad to see her go, but also extremely happy for her sake.

Anyway, I brought Graham because it was his night. But this friend of mine has also been a close friend of my first husband’s for more than 20 years and he naturally wanted to be there too. So, he came too. I have never been to a social function with both my husbands before and it did feel a bit, well, different. I wasn’t nervous about people’s reactions, most people there have known about my being polygamous all along. And I wasn’t really nervous about my husbands either, they have been getting along fine lately, and seem to be adjusting to our new way of life. I know living together, being neighbours, has sometimes been tough on them but things have been working out fine.

No, I was nervous about my own behaviour. I like being close to my husbands, I like it when they show they love me, put an arm around my waist, hold my hand – you know. Most of the time you never think about doing those things, they just come naturally. But now, I had to concentrate on not doing any of those things. I didn’t want to be affectionate to one husband before the eyes of the other. This is hard enough on them anyway. But it was very difficult to change my body language! I really had to concentrate! At one time, we were talking about something that happened at university and my first husband and I laughed and looked each other in the eyes, enjoying the memory. And I could see right away that Graham found it hurtful, being left out, not sharing the memory, not sharing the look that passed between us, not sharing the laughter. 

And when we came home from the party, it felt a bit weird to give my first husband a kiss on the cheek and leave him at his front door while Graham took my hand, and we both left to go home to the annex next door. I know what that would have felt like had I been my first husband! 😦

“…And Beat Them”

Muslim women have a right to be beaten by their husbands

Muslim women have a right to be beaten by their husbands

I received a post from a very pleasant man who suggested my husband should beat me since I am not obedient, but a rebellious wife. He suggested a sound beating would teach me to submit to my husband and remember his rights over me, given to him by allah.

Thank you very much for your kind advice. I know that the quran tells men to beat their wives. I know that muslims believe it is the right of a wife to have a husband who beats her and keeps her from sin. But you see, I am not muslim. I do not believe in wife beating.

I found this lovely text on an islamic website, wanting to show how unfair and unjust people are when they criticize islam as being misogynist:

The purpose of beating is a disciplinary action and not retaliation… It is to let the wife know that her behavior, conduct and attitude towards her husband are not acceptable. Beating, in this case, and according to Islamic teachings, is restricted and limited to be a form of treatment only. Beating a wife is not meant to be a form of humiliation, a form of forcing and compelling the woman to do things against her own will, or a means of hurting her physically… This treatment is proved to be very effective with two types of women, as psychologists have determined:

The first type: Controlling or mastering women. These are the type of women who like to control, master and run the affairs of their husbands by pushing them around, commanding them and give them orders.

The second type: Submissive, or subdued women. These women enjoy being beaten. G. A. Holdfield, a European psychologist, in his book Psychology and Morals states the following: “The instinct of submission strengthen at times, in the human being so much that a submissive person will enjoy seeing someone overpowering him, over-ruling him and being cruel to him. Such a submissive person bears the consequences of his submission due to the fact that he enjoys the pain. This is a well spread instinct amongst women even if they do not realize it. For this very reason, women are well known being more forbearing to pain than men. A wife of this type of women becomes more attracted to and admiring of her husband when he beats her. Nothing, on the other hand, will sadden some women, such as, much as a soft, very kind and very obedient husband who is never upset regardless of being challenged!”

Beating, in according to the Islamic teachings, is listed as the last and final stage of training, discipline and upbringing methods. Islam does not permit, allow or even condone beating unless the first two stages are proven to be ineffective methods of treatment. Moreover, beating must not be employed as a remedy if a wife prefers to be divorced.

Again, the beating of a wife must be in strict privacy. A wife must not be beaten before her children or any one else for that matter. Beating is considered a means of discipline and right upbringing. (Source: muslimconverts.com)

This islamic website claims that women enjoy being beaten! That women are attracted to their husband if he beats them!!!!! It tells muslim men to make sure nobody sees them when they beat their wives. That women should be beaten as a kind of training, and that beating your wife is in accordance with what women need and enjoy. Beating your wife is a treat!

This is the true face of islam. This is the true face of the islamic view on women.

Beat them! They enjoy it! They are turned on by being beaten by their husband! You must train and tame them by beating them! It is allowed! It is commanded by allah!

..and beat them!

..and beat them!

Polygamy – Sharing is Having a Part of you Die

S%C3%A9pulcre_Arc-en-Barrois_111008_12I told my husband he can go see #2 in September. I told him I’ll pay for it. He’ll just have to clear it with his boss, and if everything works out, he’ll be leaving the week after next.

He can only be away for a week, but they knew that all along, that’s not of my doing. So now, I have done what I can. I even managed to tell him I’m happy for them.

My husband looks like a huge weight has been lifted from his shoulders. He Skyped her yesterday, and when he returned to the conservatory I could tell how happy he was feeling. Good. He needed something to look forward to. I know he misses her. In a way, I’m glad he does. I mean, it really would have been awful if he had put us all through this and then not really cared for the girl.

But I do have a stone in my stomach now. I had gotten used to having him all to my self. Now I have to share again. Honestly, the instinctive reaction is proof enough that people aren’t really supposed to share the people they love and share intimacy with!

I saw an episode of Friends the other day, where Joe’s father shows up with a mistress and Joe forces him to come clean with Joe’s mum. Turns out the mum knew everything all ready but had chosen to turn a blind eye. She says “He used to be a miserable grump. I couldn’t stand him. Since he met her, he’s been happy. And because he’s been feeling guilty, he has been more loving, more gentle and more romantic than ever. Now, I like things the way they are”. But still she says, she wishes she could have had that husband without having to share him with a woman who stuffs animals… 😉  I know just how she feels!

Maybe the loving, tender and attentive facade of husbands, brought on by the immense feelings of guilt any sane polygynous man must feel, is one of the reasons why women stay in polygamy?

I will try to be supportive, try to show my first husband I am happy for him. But I can tell you, if it hadn’t been for Graham I would have been dying right now.

Mercy on a Second Wife?

NiqabpureMy husband’s #2 is freaking out again.

Everything has been calm through ramadan, I’ve been told she went into religious hibernation, praying and fasting, keeping her usual drama in cheque..

Now, she’s back to her old self.

Obviously she is beginning to see that this is the way her life will be from now on. The first shock has worn off, her silly dreams of things suddenly becoming better for her have died and she has at last faced the fact that her own stupidity and greed has landed her in a dull dull dull existence.

So she has started her Skyping, texting, mail-bombing et.c. again. She is screaming about how unfair everything is, about her rights as a “wife”, about how my husband should use my wealth to have her back, to give her everything the same as I have blah blah blah..

She texted like 20 times today, and she’s been trying to get my husband on Skype. She keeps breaking down, crying and blubbering and my husband just can’t take it. He knows he is responsible for this, even if this silly cow has done a lot to bring herself down..

My husband was supposed to go see her in November. Now, he is asking if I would consider letting him go earlier, maybe sometime in September.

Part of me wants to show mercy. This is a very young woman, alone and depressed, afraid and poor. I would want to be kind.

But then I remember this is the girl who showed me no mercy whatsoever. This is the girl who took my children’s father away. This is the woman who “married” my husband even though she knew it would destroy my life and hurt me irrevocably. She did it behind my back and afterwards she ranted it was her “right” and she has done everything to keep making my life hell.

Why should I show mercy?

Why should I be kind to her?

She is a disgusting, lying manipulative whore, a home wrecker and a cheap piece of shit.

I wish I could find a reason to help her, to be kind to her.

Can’t Muslim Polygynists Read?

Satan come to claim the polygamist

Satan come to claim the polygamist

When muslims claim polygyny is allowed they quote An Nisa:

marry women of your choice, two, or three, or four; but if ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one, or that which your right hands possess.

Some islamic extremists even use this quote to claim that polygyny is the recommendation, the default situation, since two is the first number mentioned and many claim that the quran must be read literally.

This is where I ask myself: Can’t muslims in favour of polygyny read?

I find book after book, website after website, where muslims accept that allah has permitted polygyny. Muslim women are fighting their hatred of polygyny, trying to find comfort in the fact that maybe natural dislike for something isn’t a sin if you can just accept at the same time that this something that you dislike is permissible, allah has allowed it. Like polygyny.

Thing is, he hasn’t. If you believe the quran is a text to be obeyed, then you must read the whole text. It says:

To orphans restore their property (when they reach their age), nor substitute (your) worthless things for (their) good ones; and devour not their substance (by mixing it up) with your own. For this is indeed a great sin.

If ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans, marry women of your choice, two, or three, or four; but if ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one, or that which your right hands possess. That will be more suitable, to prevent you from doing injustice.

So the permission to marry more than one wife is only given to people who are responsible for the welfare of orphans, and are having acute and real fears that they won’t be able to deal justly with the orphans in their care. This is clearly stated in the quran. If you are a man and you are not the sole warden of orphans, you are not permitted polygyny in this verse (nor anywhere else in the quran). If you are the sole caretaker of orphans you are still not permitted to become polygynous, unless you are suffering from acute and very real and well founded fear that you might be abusing the rights of the orphans in your care. Then, and only then, does this verse give you permission to marry more than one wife. And if this be the case, you can still only marry plural wives if you harbour no fear whatsoever that you might some time, any time during the rest of your life, deal unjustly with any of your wives. If you have any such fear, you can only marry one.

So, all you muslim men out there who claim that you have a right to marry up to four wives. Can you read?

Are you all sole wardens of orphans? (Not a single orphan mind you, it says orphans – plural) And do you have well founded fears that you won’t be able to keep from abusing them? And are you completely without fear that you might ever, in any way, be unjust towards a wife if you were to marry more than one??

Because if you are a muslim and you claim that men have a right to marry four wives without being the wardens of orphans and without having a well founded fear of abusing these orphans in their care, then you obviously can’t read. Or you’re a misogynist hypocrite.

Or both.

I am Afraid to Ask for Divorce from my Polygamous Husband Q&A

84876-moveQuestion: Salam Fiona

Thank you for writing truths and honesty about polygamy. I am now soon also in polygamy and I can’t stand it. I have tried evrything to make my husband have mercy on me but I am fail with it he will marry soon another woman. I can not have this life. He is now buying things for her house and for her mahr in gold and is enjoying all so much with so much happiness and I am bleeding to death. He says I must love what Allah swt permits and understand a man needs many wifes to have sex and children. I say I will divorce but he says a woman who ask divorce because polygamy will never be allowed Jannah. Now I am afraid. His new marriage is taking my life and marriage happiness will it also take Jannah from me? I can not stay with my husband in this I am hating him so mutch and I can not almost look at him because he is doing this and is disgusting and I hate him. But I am afraid if I will end up in Jahannam. I ask at another forum and they said  even the smell of Jannah is denied the woman who asks divorce because of something Allah swt permits and I am cursed if I make my husband angry. What do you think? I am not ably to live with my husband and I wnat divorce but I am afraid. //Ayesha

Answer: Dear Ayesha,

I am not muslim. Some of the questions I get, like yours, are very difficult to answer because I’m not muslim. I know many scholars would give you the answer you say you got from an islamic web forum. That a woman can only be granted a divorce by a sharia court if she has a valid reason. Opposing something allah permits is not a valid reason. Hence, she won’t be granted a divorce, and even asking for one might cost her paradise according to a hadith. Other, more moderate, islamic web sites might say that she is in her right to ask for a divorce if her husband becomes polygamous, but trying to bear it and showing patience is much better and will give her great rewards from heaven. They are of course trying to guilt women into accepting polygyny so the patriarchal oppression of islamism can carry on.

There is no way a woman should be forced to stay with a husband who has tried to force her to live polygyny. Such a husband is a criminal, an abuser and oppressor and he is much more likely to go to hell than you are. That’s the way I see it.

What kind of god do you believe in, a god who will punish a faithful wife who is forced to leave her marriage because she can’t stand sharing the man she loves, or a god who will punish men who cause their wives the most excruciating pain and suffering by giving half their life to another woman, by fucking other women and in doing so desert their wives and children, abuse and oppress them and expose them to the risk of vd:s, and often also break the law of the country where they live? Honestly?

So my advice is go ahead and divorce your husband. Right now. Make sure you don’t become one of the women who are abused by forced polygyny! Make sure you don’t become one of the women who show men that they can go on forcing women to accept polygyny. Leave him now, and keep your soul and integrity intact!

Polygamy – Grieving a Father

walkI had a long talk with my son yesterday. He has been granted a one term scholarship in the US through his college and is leaving in a couple of weeks. He has been extremely excited about it all summer, but now when reality is setting in he is starting to get some jitters. The worst thing for him is leaving the girlfriend.

A few months apart may not seem a big thing to you and me, but to a young man in his early twenties having his first serious relationship, four months seem like an eternity.

Yesterday, suddenly, he said he wished he could have talked about it all with his father. I asked him if that meant he actually wants to talk to him. My son shook his head, no.

“I would have wanted to talk to my father. My real father. My dad who loved us and was a part of this family. I don’t want to talk to the man who left us and hurt us to be with another woman, or child rather. No. But I would have wanted to talk to my father.”

And I realize that my son has gone through the exact same process concerning his father that I have done with mine. Our fathers both died and we have been forced to grieve them and find a way to go on with our lives.

My father died in a car crash. My son’s father died by choosing polygamy.

Polygamy in child marriage linked to violence against women

Where polygamy is only for one sex, a privilege for men, monopoly on power will lead to abuse. This is why division of power was invented and led to human rights. In islam and islamic polygyny, there is no such thing as human rights.

We Write for Rights

By Zacharia Alfred and Martha Kibona

“I think I am not the only one in Tanzania, the only woman in society that has been beaten, coerced into sex or abused physically and sexually offended by someone they know, including husbands or any male  family member,” says one pregnant woman from Vingunguti in Dar es Salaam.

She is the first wife of three, and her name is Clara Mussa. She is from Tanga, and she was a student before she was forced to marry Mr. Abraham Azizi from Dar es Salaam. Her dream of studies ended there and no one cared. During her first pregnancy, Abraham married another woman. She was devastated but she endured because it was a religious duty. She is currently pregnant again, and this time her husband has a third wife.

“This hurts me so much, but because I am a woman, I cannot do anything. I…

View original post 327 more words

Where can We find the Strength to Live Polygamy?

7c565-keep-calm-and-you-can-do-it-13Polygamy is never easy.

Even if you chose polygamy, even if it was consensual right from the start, it will still be difficult.

There is no way we can avoid pain in polygamy. Jealousy is only a part of it. One woman here on the blog described it as “its like a loss, like the person who i thought was my husband is dead and in place is someone else.”.

Even if you gave your permission to let your spouse marry again you will find that this is true. Your husband, the husband and the marriage you had, is dead. Instead a new man, a man who is falling in love with somebody else, thinking and caring about somebody else,  half of the time having to and wanting to prioritize her over you, has taken his place. Your  husband will be the father of somebody else’s children. He will be missing them, longing for them, when he is with you. Your husband is dead. Instead, you are married to somebody with half a life without you. Wanting half a life without you.

Where do we find the strength to deal with this?

Many women find the strength in religion. They find comfort in believing that patience and loving for your sister what you love for yourself will bring you closer to god, closer to paradise. Polygamy can send you on a spiritual journey.

We can also find strength in friends and family, getting closer to them as our pain makes us open up and share more of ourselves, become more honest with each other. However, this can also cause you pain since people might condemn your choices.

We can find strength in new friends, wonderful strong wise and unexpected people, the way I have here on the blog. People who share and care. Thank you all.

We can also find strength in finally being forced to get to know ourselves. We find out the hard way what we can do and what we can not endure. We rise to the occasion, sometimes in ways that surprise ourselves. We learn what we need and what we don’t need, what we demand and what we are willing to give up. Once we have these boundaries set and clear before our eyes, we become stronger. If polygamy isn’t based on full and mutual respect, we shouldn’t even try to live it! But the polygamy we choose to live, polygamy based on love, respect and equal rights, can become a source of strength. When we know ourselves better, we treat ourselves and others better and gain respect – both our own and other’s. If we are able to respect ourselves and thus gain respect from the people who share our lives – polygamy can be not only be survived but actually lived.

Not without pain. But without yielding our integrity, and without yielding ourselves.

I miss You, and Love You

Backlit_Pink_Rose_Interior_With_Drops_(209284324)This is the day my parents died.

It’s been many years, but I still wake up every August 23 with a deep sense of loss.

Grief slowly lets go of its terrible grip on your heart and turns into a constant longing, a constant feeling of somebody missing from your life.

Over the last years I have sometimes felt it was good my parents didn’t have to experience my husband’s horrible betrayal, his choice to become polygamous. My parents loved him, trusted him just like I did. They would have been devastated. My hurt and suffering would have been heartbreaking to them. I would have been so ashamed of what he did if they had been here to witness it.

At the same time, I have missed being able to have my mother hold me when I cried, have my father stroke my hair.

My mother planted some of the roses that grow in our garden.

I am going to visit their grave today, and I’ll bring some of the most beautiful roses.

Life goes on.