Does Your Husband regret Polygamy ?

5758f-moveQuestion:

Hi Fiona :)

I’m so happy to have found this blog, not that I have anything to do with polygamy, but I was looking into the subject just to gain insight and came across polygamy 411, it made my blood boil! And I’m Muslim lol, not because I don’t think polygamy is allowed, but the polygamy they talk about is ridiculous. I remember seeing your comments and your story was so interesting, then she blocked you. Obviously although I don’t think a woman should be polygamous, tbh in this day and age I don’t think a man should either, but how you dealt with things is a breath of fresh air, and you can tell karma definitely got your husband. Does he regret polygamy now?

I think it’s pretty clear he loves you more, being infatuated with #2 is different, she is new and young, that’s natural but I don’t think he loves her anywhere near as much as you. Do you think the reason he stays in his second marriage is cause you are polygamous too and he doesn’t want to seem less manly so to speak? I really don’t get why he became polygamous to start off with, but maybe you’re right, he became brainwashed into believing it would be something it is not, even for your own marriage, from the way he loves you I highly doubt he ever really wanted to hurt you. Do you think he loves her enough not to leave her and move on?

Sorry so many questions, just really intrigued!

Answer:

Hello!

One of the best things about questions, is that they force me to study my own life, and come up with answers that help me along. Thank you very much for contributing to that!

Does my husband regret polygamy now? I have asked him many times. He says that if he could do it over, he would never never ever choose polygamy again. But he says that as things are, he finds it difficult to regret finding a woman he actually loves (hm..) and finding new love in new ways with me. He says that he regrets having hurt me the way he did. He knows he can never really heal the wounds and scars he’s given me. And he regrets having hurt his children. This, I know, is the worst part for him, he can hardly talk about it. You know, our son has denounced him, lives his life as if his father were dead. This is heartbreaking to my husband who is finally starting to realize that this may never alter, he may never get his son back.

My husband has just had a huge discussion with his #2. She is making a lot of trouble, and is having problems with respecting our agreements. Much of it is based on her cultural background, she can’t get it into her head that I own our house, I own most of our money, that my Husband can’t order me about and that I am free to come and go as I please.

I think he stays with her because he it’s an honour thing. He feels responsible. But I think he loves her in a way too. I agree with you, he doesn’t love her the way he loves me. But she treats him like he were Caesar, she adores him and looks up to him. It appeals to him. And he obviously finds her attractive too. And Graham is part of it too. It’s a power thing. As long as he has #2, my husband feels he has something that’s all his not mine – it balances things. I can understand that.

I think she’s more likely to leave him, than v.v. And with her being reliant on him for her survival, that’s not gonna happen… 😦

So, it looks like we’re stuck in this cobweb..

Hope to hear from you again! Love, F

11 thoughts on “Does Your Husband regret Polygamy ?

  1. Hi

    Thanks for your response. About the regret, doesn’t he think then if he divorced #2 he would be more likely to make amends with his children? I understand obviously being married he loves her and clearly the whole looking up to him, dependency, neediness is great for any man’s ego especially when he has a wife with another husband, but they’re in separate countries, she’s causing problems and he’s offered her a divorce and has told you before that he’d divorce her, I don’t get why he just doesn’t do it and close this chapter of his life and try and focus on what he has left with his main family, He could always facilitate/help to find another marriage for #2. I know this is easier said than done but he can’t possibly keep living like this.

    Personally I think polygamy can only work when it is for the benefit of the woman, as a social necessity i.e. why polygamy was originally allowed in Islam when after the battle there were loads of widows and at that time women didn’t work. Now this example doesn’t really exist and we find that when men get another wife for selfish reasons what happened to your husband is what happens to a lot of them (maybe not the wife marrying another husband, but generally the instability, and ultimately the loss of happiness and unity within the family which everyone wants)

    Btw just to clarify in Islam a woman can seek divorce for any reason, I will quote the hadith if you life, and polygamy is a perfectly valid reason anyway. Wahhabis/Salafis/Islam q&a etc are extremists who quote rubbish and interpret things against general Islamic principles, my scholar and all scholars I know of do not think anything like they do about polygamy or generally any women’s issues.

  2. I believe, finding another husband for #2, has crossed my husband’s mind a couple of times. More for her sake than his, because he actually does love her. But he will never be able to give her children (thank god!!), and he will never be able to be a full time husband to her, and the way things stand, he’s not much of a husband to her at all – with no change on the horizon. But the thought of her with somebody else is repugnant to him, he has told me as much.

    And finding a good husband in Oman or Yemen for a divorced girl who may not be able to have children in the eyes of the world, and who has no money of her own,(my husband still hasn’t told her it’s his fault, and he says he has decided not to.. 😦 ) can prove impossible anyway.

    I think divorcing #2 would make things worse as far as our children are concerned. They would say that it means he caused us all this pain for nothing. That he put us through hell, and then gave up. I think, carrying on is the only thing he can do. As a matter of fact, my husband’s allowing Graham to move into the annex and trying to cope with being the “islamic wife” so to speak in our polygamous life, is the first thing he has done for years that has met with some approval from our son!

    I agree with you, most men who become polygamous today lose out on happiness. I just wish there was a way to make them realize that before they do it…

    I know some muslim schools allow a woman divorce more easily. In the UK however it has proven very difficult for women to be granted a divorce in the sharia “courts”, no matter what the reason is, and many countries won’t grant a woman a divorce for any reason – e.g. in Saudi it’s almost impossible to get a divorce if your husband refuses. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBB-jI31A3Y

  3. I am beginning to feel like a naysayer on this blog – however I feel strongly this has to be asked.

    Fiona, if your husband won’t tell the 2nd the truth about his inability to father a child, why don’t YOU tell her? Don’t you think she has a right to know that fact? We can all see that you have a huge influence on your husband – clearly – as he has accepted Graham in your life – so why don’t you use that influence in this instance. Tell him either he tells her or you tell her – but it would be better that he be the one to tell her! She has every right in the world to know this very important fact concerning this marriage she is in. And it is so wrong that she is being lied to and being allowed to think she is the one with the problem – and it is wrong that you personally are allowing him to continue to lie to her. You have the power to remedy this particular wrong and I also believe out of human decency you have the responsibility to remedy this wrong!!! It seems to me that because you are very concerned about women’s rights and equality that you would absolutely insist that the 2nd have access to all the critical truths concerning her marriage – including this very very important truth – even if you detest and despise her! If he won’t tell her – you SHOULD tell her and let the chips fall where they may!!!

  4. Hmm this is confusing, from your blog it seems when she was here she wasn’t a priority much, he would say he loved and missed you in front of her, he offered to divorce her tomorrow if that made you happy etc etc. but now you are saying despite all this mess he loves her too much to divorce her?

    I know what you mean about divorce in Arab countries, but it’s not too hard you know in quite a few. Some are more traditional than others but I know of quite a lot of women who have remarried pretty quickly and easily to single men. I am not too sure of Yemen and Oman though. I feel she mainly stays due to dependency as you said, she can’t possibly be happy in a marriage where not only she doesn’t have a husband much but she knows she isn’t a priority, she is aware he prefers you right? (some second wives live in their own world and cannot see reality)

    I am from the UK, when you want a divorce no one I know has ever gone to a Sharia court, never even seen one nor have any idea where to find one. You just go to an Imam/Shaykh/Sayed and tell them you want a divorce, man or woman, he will try and reconcile but if not he will grant a divorce for any reason and polygamy is without a doubt a massive reason. If the husband objects she relinquishes her right to a mahr, if he divorces her he pays her, simple.

    Saudi is not Islamic, a woman has a right to divorce even for not liking her husband (even if he is good, according to the hadith). Saudi do a million and one things that are not Islamic. Fiona you need to differentiate between Muslims and scholars and Islam. Muslims like any other human want to find any reason/excuse to justify their own selfish desires. These are not believers. And unfortunately some scholars, who are men, help them with this. Please understand that no hadith is true if it contradicts the Qur’an. Lying and deceiving is FORBIDDEN. The sign of a believer according to the Prophet is that he or she does not lie. So hiding polygamy, lying to your wife and family and deceiving them is not allowed according to basic Islamic principles. The Prophet nor any of his companions never ever lied or hid this from their families. Whoever says it is ok it speaking rubbish. Permission is one thing (although some scholars have gone as far as to say you require it at least as a precautionary measure) but lying is a completely different story. It is not Islamic and the ones who do so, including your husband, will be held be accountable for their sins.

  5. I can’t open that door. I don’t really have any great secrets that must be kept from Graham, but I must be able to trust my husbands to keep our marriages separate. Anything else would ruin our lives. So I can’t go behind my husband’s back to his #2. For my own sake. Yes I am selfish. I can talk to my husband again about it. Right now, when she is interfering in my life in a very bad way, I find it hard to go out on a limb to help her. Maybe I should. I’ll think about it. Thank you for pushing me – all good.

  6. As long as she was here, my husband did his best to live polygamy according to islamic rules. He divided his time equally between the two of us, and his money. That is what is required. He did tell her he missed and loved me, but only when she questioned our relationship. He told me too that he missed and loved her. He told me he would divorce her, but he only did that a couple of times when he was hurting the most from my marriage to Graham. He did it to make the pain go away. Not for me, but for himself. He never offered to divorce her before I married Graham, not even the time he came home and I had cut myself to ease the pain. He also offered to divorce her when I was about to leave him once. And of course – he offered her a talaq when she had her visa retracted. But she said no. My husband does love her, and he feels responsible for her. He also feels guilty. And if she is satisfied with a home and money, and a husband a few weeks per year, he is willing to give her that.

    You know, my husband is a muslim, he’s half arab. But we have never been a part of a muslim community. My husband has gone to a masjid occasionally, but he’s never really been active. We don’t have any close friends who are muslim. We have always lived a very secular life, celebrating christmas for the sake of visiting relatives and having nice decorations. My husband is a member of a business club in London, a club for arab business men. This is where he met people who influenced him about islam and polygyny, mainly Saudis from what I gather. This is where all this started.

    You are right, I find it difficult to distinguish between islam, muslims and scholars. Mainly because there has been very little difference as far as my experience with islam goes. And I am yet to meet a practising muslim who believes in absolute gender equality, equal opportunities, absolute equality before the law and sexual equality.

  7. I have an ideal! Why don’t you talk your husband into telling his 2nd that he went to a doctor and found out that because of an old sports injury he is now sterile and can no longer father children. Since he is lying anyways, why not just change the lie to at least let her know part of the truth – the important part of the truth – that he can not father children and that it is not her fault that she is not getting pregnant. This way he can save face AND relieve her of her guilt!.

  8. I took your idea to my husband. He promised me he’d think about it. Thing is, I think he doesn’t want her to divorce him, and if he can’t have children even an Omani sharia court might grant her khula. But, he promised he’d consider it. I think it’s a great idea, if he can’t just tell her the truth. Thank you.

  9. I hope his man’s up on this one. If he can only keep her by making her feel bad about herself – what does that say about him?

  10. Ok well that is good I guess about equality. Do you think though if you asked him to divorce her he would? Just leading on from your last post about him asking if you love him more, have you ever asked him that? Or is it obvious that he does?

    You see, you say you don’t have any close Muslim friends, never been part of a Muslim community but then you say you have never met a practicing Muslim who believes in equality etc. It is non practicing Muslims, such as those Saudi men and your husband, who do not believe in the equality and use anything they can find to justify their desires, to do whatever they like where as the practicing Muslims are the ones who observe true Islam. I am a practicing Muslim, I come from a practicing family, I am part of a community who are practicing Muslims. No one has ever been polygamous, no one has ever cheated on their wife, all girls go to uni and often earn more than men, all girls are treated equally to the boys, girls choose their own spouses, men and woman pray together, men and women have equal space in the mosque, equal facilities, men and women both vote in the running on the mosques, men and women are both part of the committee that run the community centre/mosque and I can continue forever. Come on, I am a practicing Muslim and I find your story inspiring and I really dislike polygamy 411, despite that apparently being correct Islam.

    Salafi/Wahhabi websites and forums are corrupt, they are funded by Saudi and they like to preach their own form of Islam which gives them power. They are not just sexist, they are racist, they dislike everyone who isn’t like them. That is Islam? Have you read the Qur’an. It speaks of tolerance and peaceful co existance. I must add though their is a significant difference I believe in the two main schools of thought in their views of women, non muslims, minorities and so on, however sexism within Islamic ideology is only found within the salafi branch.

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