Polygamy – The Honey Trap

Bahamas_-_No_Entry.svgSince I started this blog, I have been contacted by many men wanting to discuss polygamy, or wanting advice.

It turns out there are many men out there feeling lonely and devastated in their polygamous marriages.

It all starts out with dreams.

These men are often happily married. They enjoy being doted on, obeyed and admired by their wives, the way husbands often are in cultures where polygamy occurs. They often enjoy a good sex life with their wives.

In these cultures, male-female interaction is often scarce and restricted and sex is wrapped up in forbidden, exciting and intoxicating taboos. In the West, men and women are used to speaking freely and openly about sex and can easily find healthy out lets for their sexual desires. In muslim countries however, a spouse is the only way to have all your sexuality out, and since the forbidden fruit is always more attractive, and since all the voodoo and taboos around sex turn sex into an obsession with people, a lot of young men start thinking about polygamy.

If sex with my wife is good, why not have another wife? I would have twice as much sex, I would be able to see another woman’s body, I would finally know if sex is different with different women, I could imagine one wife while I fuck the other, I could have sex with both of them on the same day, sex. sex, sex, sex…

Once a man finds himself in this place, he will start looking for advice, answers…

Islamic websites will tell him it’s his right to marry up to four wives. They will tell him that he need not ask his first wife’s permission nor even tell her about the second marriage until it’s done. They will tell him it is good for the man, good for the ummah if he marries plural women and has lots of children, as long as he can provide for them.

And then comes the worst part. They will tell him that women are different from men.

They will tell him that although his first wife may at first feel a little anger, maybe sadness, this will soon revert into happiness to have a sister wife, and an increase in deen once the first wife realizes that sharing is caring and she must want for her sister what she wants for herself. They will tell him that as soon as this happens, the first wife will love him more than before and be happier and more religious than before.

They will tell him that women don’t think about sex the same way men do. They will say that if a woman is jealous, it’s only because she loves her husband so much and is afraid of losing him. If the husband just makes it clear to her that although he has married a second wife he will never leave his first, the first wife will be all good again. She will be better than before.

Many men have told me that the imams, and other “brothers” have told the would be polygamous man that first wives become horny when their men marry again. They will start to compete sexually, so sex becomes hotter and more frequent than ever. They say that first wives will admire a man more when he has proven himself attractive to another woman. They say that having two or more wives is sexually intoxicating, a great adventure of everlasting sex of great variety while having several wives submitting to your desires, competing to take care of your every need….

So – the men go off and find themselves a second wife.

After a while, they discover that what they were told were lies.

The first wife never recovers. She is disgusted by her husband. Their friendship is gone, she no longer trusts him. Even if she eventually returns to his bed, they may have sex but the intimacy is gone. Her happiness in him is gone. Their marriage as it was is dead. His second wife, who was so sweet and satisfied, is nagging him, grudging every minute he spends with his first wife, back stabbing, manipulating. His first wife cries and awakes with panic attacks in the night. Nobody wants to have sex with him. They lie still under him and let him have his way.

His children by his first wife won’t recognize him when he’s spent a week with #2, if they are small. If they are big, they will hate him for what he did, and is doing, to their mother.

The children of #2 will grow up hating him for forcing them to live with half a dad, a dad who will not be there when they need him the most, for making their mother cry.

When the husband is sick, he still has to rotate between the wives. When his daughter graduates, he is with the other wife. When his son is ill, he is with the other wife. When he is told his mother died, he is with the wife who didn’t like her. When his first wife is in hospital, he has leave her to give #2 her conjugal rights. When he is old and tired, he still has to keep rotating. And nowhere is a woman who loves him entirely, trusts him and confides in him.

When some other young man asks him “What’s it like to have two wives” he will say it’s great, lots of sex and the women compete for your attention! Because he doesn’t want to seem like less a man.

So the honey trap is set once again.

44 thoughts on “Polygamy – The Honey Trap

  1. This was interesting. When I saw the headline I thought you’d write about the way men lie to get second wives. This twist was unexpected! I never thought of this before but now thinking about it I suppose you are right.
    I wish you’d write about the lies men tell to snare a second wife. They are so good at it but still it’s a miracle that so many women fall for the same ol’ flubbertyhuff. I was forced to marry my first wife, I never loved her. She won’t have me, we haven’t had sex for years. You make me happy, she never did. We’re only together for the kids. She has asked me to find somebody else because (fill in the blank)… I will divorce her just as soon as (fill in the blank)….

    If men are stupid, women who fall for these lies make me believe sometimes that women are even stupider….

  2. “Flubbertyhuff” ?? 😀

    Thanks, I’m glad you like the post.

    Writing about men’s lies to entrap second wives is a good idea. I’ll be back! 😉

  3. I am happy with both my wives but is true is not same as haveing only one wife. I lost something and I got something else. I believe since I have lived in UK I had a relationship with first wife that was based on love trust and friendship and partnership. I lost that when I married my second wife. I had not thought to lose that. Now she is my wife and we love eachother but she not longer trusts me as friend and partner. If I had married traditionally somebody my parents chose I would not have had such a great difference I think because the first wife would not have been a marriage of passion and partnership from the start. So I think muslims who live or have lived in the west and have that kind of marriage loose very much if they believe what they learn of polygamy and marry a second. I believe a man in arab or asian country not looses so much. And this is why men disagree about if polygamy is good.

  4. No man should consider polygamy if he isn’t prepared to share his wife too. “The Hypocrites will be in the lowest depths of the Fire: no helper wilt thou find for them; (The Noble Quran, 4:145)”

  5. Salam

    My husband married my cowife some month ago. We decided together he should help the sister with marriage and I was agreed. She is a friend and I wanted a good husband for her. They are married and I am still happy for her. But it is much pain. My husband has been much woried and they have been very careful and considerate and she is very grateful. But I miss him so much when he is with her and I am fighting my nafs and jealousy. I cry much and I talk much with my husband and he is very understanding. But he is hurting too and cries when he leaves. He is saying it is much pain to watch me hurt and cry. Every time he leaves he kisses me very much and says not be sad not cry but I see he cry too.

  6. Not all Islamic websites support “twisted polygamy”. The one I work on, we editors often tell husbands who are considering polygamy to discuss it with their current wives and only go forward with it if she is fully supportive. We speak out against “secret” marriages, and clearly tell men who do this that it’s wrong and unislamic. If a man who is already in polygamy writes in to us (or even if one of the wives does) because there are issues about non-equal treatment, we remind them that the Qu’ran itself says to only keep one wife if equality cannot be maintained.

    ….and if we get any extremist men commenting on a post saying anything along the lines of what you’ve mentioned, we delete their comments and sometimes ban them altogether. There’s already enough delusion, misguidance and oppression going around. Some of us are working to change that.

  7. I haven’t been able to find any posts on your website saying a polygynous marriage is not valid without the explicit consent of the first wife. I have not been able to find any posts on your website saying no man should claim polygyny if he isn’t granting his wife at the same time absolute and equal right to polyandry in accordance with human equality. I haven’t been able to find any posts on your website saying men and women naturally have equal rights and responsibilities before the law and society. I haven’t been able to find any posts on your website saying that the law of the land goes before any law of the quran, and that any bigamist husband in a country where polygamy is illegal should hand himself over to the police at once. I haven’t been able to find any posts on your website saying to a man you must immediately divorce your second wife if you have had a nikkah without express permission from the first wife or if you in any way have harmed your first wife, the children of your first wife, or in any way been unjust. I haven’t been able to find any posts on your website saying to women that their rights are in every way the same as their husband’s rights. So in my eyes, I haven’t been able to find any comments on your site that are NOT extremist. Sorry.

  8. Yes, and for men like my husband who can’t have children, but because I am polygamous he can enjoy having a baby in the family! 🙂 Single dads I suppose benefit too. Because you do mean polygamy, not polygyny?

  9. //I haven’t been able to find any posts on your website saying a polygynous marriage is not valid without the explicit consent of the first wife.//

    Without the explicit consent of first wife how can a ploygamous man be just between his wives. And islamic sites should Focus on this point. They owe it not only to their sisters in Faith but also to Islam.
    When a marriage takes place, the husband promises to protect the rights of the wife one of which is her right on her husband. So, when the husband thinks about second marriage he is violating the right of the first wife and should not be allowed to take this step without her permission.

    // I have not been able to find any posts on your website saying no man should claim polygyny if he isn’t granting his wife at the same time absolute and equal right to polyandry in accordance with human equality.//

    I understand it is an islamic site, so polyandry is not an option for believers. Unless their Holy Book sanctions it.

    //I haven’t been able to find any posts on your website saying that the law of the land goes before any law of the quran,//
    First thing is, muslims SHOULD not be living in a place where they cannot practice their religion(things that are mandatory in their religion). More over polygamy is not mandatory and islam gives a right to muslims to legislate against it because it is not mandatory and their are no divine laws on polygamy. So yeah they should be following law of the land.

    //I haven’t been able to find any posts on your website saying to a man you must immediately divorce your second wife if you have had a nikkah without express permission from the first wife or if you in any way have harmed your first wife, the children of your first wife, or in any way been unjust.//

    Not a viable solution, bigamist has a right to divorce any of his wives. he might as well divorce the first abandoning his children too.

  10. @Saad
    You gave some good replies here. However, I am sort of confused on the last reply. Just saying. What Fiona meant is that if the man violated the rights of the wife by not taking her explicit permission before marrying the second wife (and 99% of the time or more there is nothing whatsoever related to justice towards orphans under his care only, hence marrying their caretaker, or something of that sort, to even consider plural marriage), he should be given advice to immediately divorce the second wife. Or he married the second and it is harming the lives of the first wife and her children, or he figured out he can’t be just, the same advice should be given to him, with the first wife being given higher preference since he first chose to go about the normal way to marry her with no conditions attached.

    Instead there is nothing of this sort of advice being given by the islamic websites. Either patience, etc advice is given to the first wife, or her right to divorce for a really valid reason, or justice regarding the lost time or lost money that has been distributed between the wives. The husband can go for polygamy with no strings attached. If the husband though says he prefers his second wife, then the first wife should have freedom to obtain a divorce, child custody (full or joint, depends), maintenance for the wife and children and a big portion of the total wealth the man accumulated after marriage to the first wife. But such kinds of advice isn’t given by the islamic websites either. So the woman is left to fight for her rights, or suffer for a long period, especially if she lives in a country where Shariah law is the norm and the preferred one, and she doesn’t have any connections or help from more powerful people.

  11. Maryam this is why polygamy sucks. In that case husband will be destroying life of second wife, why should she pay the price of her husband’s mistake?

  12. you do realize, muslim women think polygamy is a muslim man’s divine right? so if they end up being second wives totally oblivious to the fact that their husbands have not consented. than should they be divorced because of their husbands mistake?

  13. Because she chose to marry a married man? Because she chose to aid and abet in committing a crime against humanity? Because she chose to help in destroying and torturing another woman and maybe children?

  14. Yes. Every muslim woman I have talked to on the subject recognize that their marriage is causing the first wife immense pain. – even if they believe in the divine right of men. (Yuck!) Hence, in a court of law, they would be deemed to have had intent when it comes to the torture of wife #1.

  15. it is anything but a solution.
    ok welcome to muslim countries where 1/5th of the world population is living.
    (And irrespective of the fact how WE see polygamy.) they think polygyny is allowed. so a woman who tangles up with a married man is doing nothing wrong BECAUSE> their god has allowed it.
    So it is a common phenomena. Now IF a woman has married a man and she does not know IF the husband has really consented from his first wife or not (isn’t it a possibility) than why should her life be destroyed because it is his husband’s mistake to at least consent before exercising his “god given right”? And IF husband is such a monster that he didn’t bother to ask his first wife and didn’t think of his children’s future than he might as well divorce his first wife.

    After i joined this blog, I ask people around me about polygamy. And all of them say it is permissible if a husband is just between his wives(though they don’t want to be in a polygamous relationship because it doesn’t suit their life styles, as i earlier stated i have not met a polygamous person in my life). And majority of them didn’t know the complete verse of polygamy. when i told them about its context it was a revelation to them. Then i asked them a question IF wife is not happy by his husband’s decision to be polygamous, isn’t he doing injustice to the wife from start so the condition of being just is violated and majority of them agreed. Although there were 2 or 3 persons who said it is not about emotional justice and they couldn’t relate to the pain of first wife but thankfully majority of people sided with me.
    So solution for me is education of muslims on polygamy issue and it is a permanent solution, that way muslims who are ordinary human beings like rest of us and who can relate to the suffering and pain of first wife can be approached. And so they may be able to abstain from making this mistake.

  16. //So solution for me is education of muslims on polygamy issue and it is a permanent solution, //

    though i don’t know who will take this responsibility. maybe muslim scholars or muslim women.

  17. OK, I finally figured it out; I’m slow. That “Kory Sarcia” is just a hook for a poly dating site, and that’s why his “ad” reads as it does.

  18. Saad,
    Second wives, almost without fail, change their tune REAL quick regarding that “divine right” the second the hubby starts eyeing a third.

  19. I also believe education is the key. At least all muslims should know the entire verse, not half of it.
    I have heard the “not emotional justice” bs too. You see, muslim men have had more than 1000 years to develop a foolproof system of male domination. A man is allowed to marry four wives. He doesn’t need to inform or consult with prior wives. He has a divine right to sex at any time. He has a divine right to obedience. He has a divine right to deny his wife the possibility to leave the house so she is de facto his prisoner. He needs to be just to his wives – but not regarding love, affection or intercourse as long as he doesn’t leave one hanging (so he has to bang her once every six months, or every four months according to more feminist scholars 😉 ) He has a divine right to keep his wives from working and becoming independent. He has the right to instant divorce, she doesn’t. He has a right to beat a wife who rebels against him. He has a right to throw her out of the house penniless if she objects to any of the above, and he can keep the children. He has a divine right to force his wives to wear a niqab so nobody can connect with them, recognize them, have eye contact with them. And when they die, he will get a bunch of hooriwhores and the ability to fuck them all through the day, while his wives from this world will be top models and lower their gaze and only be attracted to him.
    Fool proof.
    And as you say, uneducated people buy in to this.
    Why women choose to do so is an enigma to me.

  20. This is not always true, my husband had a 2nd wife and both of us loved the sex in the marriage. Sorry to be so blunt about it but there’s something exciting about having sex with another woman’s husband (even if he was always your husband to begin with). Some women can’t handle it but it’s not always bad. The fact that he’s had her and is still crawling back into your bed is a pleasure you can’t imagine until it’s happening. Yes there is jealousies but as long as he makes me feel desired and doesn’t try to make me feel she is better than me (he’s tried because he likes to play with those jealousies but it always bites him in the arse) than we all get along well. I love my co wife even though she married him behind my back, I’m angry with him for marrying in secret but everyone makes mistakes. Some women are capable of getting over it so its not always a lie when a man says he is happy in polygamy.

  21. I have two husbands, and yes we have great sex. My first husband says that even though it’s extremely hurtful at times to know I have another intimate relationship, he is also turned on by it. My second husband sometimes has bouts of needing to “conquer” me by having loads of sex. They both feel sex is different – sometimes worse sometimes better, due to polygamy. But honestly – pain is always a part of it. Sorry to be so blunt. But it’s the truth. And I can see that same feeling in your post. You’re giving it away, and it’s obvious that you too are thriving on the pain. Some people do, some don’t. But in polygamy you can never ever be happy unless there’s a strong streak of s&m in you.

  22. Isn’t pain a part of life? And learning to deal and be happy regardless. Yes if I sit and obsess about him and her having sex and allowing myself to feel he enjoys her more etc it is painful but there are so many things in life that are painful yet we cope and we survive. I was in monogamy for years and I was still hurt at times for whatever reason. I don’t see how polygamy is more of a test or hardship than anything else in the world. I only feel hurt when I feel neglected otherwise its quite easy to cope, its nice having a friend in her and someone else to share my life and family with. Yes at times the sex is about conquering him but at least its fun and doesnt extend into other parts of the relationship.

  23. Pain is definitely an unescapable part of life. Games of master and servant however aren’t. This is pain you either choose, or are forced to subject to. I would have no problem what so ever with what you say, and your claim to be happy in polygamy – IF you agreed that your right to polygamy is exactly the same as your husband’s. Then yes, true happiness is possible. But if you don’t agree, you’re just playing master and servant and enjoying being on the receiving end of the whip, while your husband is enjoying handing out the lashes.

  24. I have no desire for multiple husbands I am more than happy with my family as it is. Seeking out a husband for myself would just be a way of retaliating against him, I’ve never desired more than 1 husband why should that change now just because he has 2 wives?

  25. Wonderfully said Fiona. All the respect for you for being so honest and truthful in this. My hats off to you 🙂

  26. I don’t say you must want, or get, more spouses. I’m saying you and your husband both should acknowledge that your RIGHT to do so is the same as his. That’s all. Otherwise, your “marriage” is nothing but a game of master and servant.

  27. Once again brilliant comment Fiona. The only issue is that though opinions like your’s are quite simple to understand and instinctive to an extent as well, it would work to start toppling the existing rooted customs in cultural and religious teachings. Which is why mainly so many people resist.

  28. Sisters

    I believe women who are not happy in polygamy are so because they have weak husbands who allow women’s natural jealosy to destroy equality between wives. A husband who is fair and just and equal in spending time and money between wives and who is firm on no backbiting and manipulation will have happy wives who can live in peaceful marriage and if they choose they can live separate marriages as if they are monogamous. A weak husband who allows wives to dictate conditions and backbite and manipulate will have unhappy wives and himself maybe regret polygamy. That is not how it should be and this is why Allah swt and the Prophet pbuh clearly says the husband is above the wife and she must obey him. When woman breaks this command she makes herself unhappy and then her husband too. A muslimah knows this and this is why true muslimahs are happy in polygamy.

    With respect to you.

  29. Hamid,
    You look like a true Muslim man yourself. So hats off for making your future wife’s/wives’ life/lives hell. While repeatedly putting into their ear that only if they listen to your words would they be true Muslimahs.

  30. Well, Hamid, thank you for expressing so succinctly all the reasons why I’m happy to be divorced 😀

  31. I have now been reading and found many strange posts on this blog. Your views are sometimes very shocking. Could you please explain to me short why you are against an honorable marriage for a man and wives to give women a husband and protection? Would your rather let them be alone and without a man? Is it better to be prostitutes as in West? Why is polygamy bad and prostitutes good?

  32. Hamid, what is your opinion when there are excess of men in a community and the ratio of available single women is lower in there? And you know how men have high testosterone levels and high sex drives, combined with a need for partner for emotional support and encouragement too. So what would you suggest for such men who are silently crying out for having such a partner to fulfill their needs? Would you rather have them be players? Or become cold and aggressive and rape people? Is that better? So why is polyandry or equal polygamy for both partners bad and male prostitution good?

  33. Dear Hamid,

    hmm when I read an argument like this “because they have weak husbands who allow women’s natural jealousy to destroy equality between wives” then I think the crucial point is that you think that womens feelings and needs are very different from those of men.
    Why do you think that? How would you feel if your wife would take a second husband? Would it help you to keep your “man’s natural jealousy” and all your other bad feelings and stress in check if she “treats you equal”? I don’t think so…

    As to your other question: “why you are against an honorable marriage for a man and wives to give women a husband and protection? Would your rather let them be alone and without a man? Is it better to be prostitutes as in West?”
    Why does any woman need a “husband and protection” in the first place? And how can you protect your wife anyway if you are not here most of the time because you need to spend time with your other wives? Makes no sense to me. In addition what about the kids? If you have several wives they will have to live like single mothers and their childen only get a scrap of attention from their father. Also not fair to them as well…
    I don’t understand your link to prostitutes… How do you mean that? Do you mean that all women in the west are prostitutes? Or do you think there are so many women on this planet that those who can’t get married will become prostitutes in order to have any sex at all?

    Well it’s simply not true that there are more women then man on this planet. If you check the statistics you see that within reproductive age the sex ratio is about 1:1 with slightly more men around. So for every man who takes more then 1 wife there’s another man who’s left with no wive at all. So whats the consequence? The old and rich snatch all the women and leave the young and poor behind.

    So polygamy is not only bad for women and children the biggest loosers are all then men out there frustrated and left without any chance for a wife!

    Well and yes if some men have the desire to have sex with many women then I really think that the western way is better. Go and have sex before marriage be honest about it and use protection at least then you will not need to lie or hurt anybodys feelings. And then at least women have the chance to do the same, because believe it or not women have as much sexual desire as men 😉

  34. Well said, Alice.

    Hamid, It never fails to amaze me that pro-polygyny idiots spew that nonsense about plural marriage “protecting” the woman, but they sure can’t seem to come up with an explanation as to how a half/third/quarter time wife is protected when her husband is not even there. Good thing that most women are a whole lot more capable of protecting themselves than some moron of a husband is, if they believe in their own worth (something Muslim men are bound and determined to make sure doesn’t happen, as evidenced by you in saying Allah makes men superior, wife must obey his commands and whatever other nonsense.)

    Is it financial maintenance that’s protecting the woman? Well, really. Speaking as a former “first wife” who ended up having to work a 2nd job to make up for what my “good Muslim man” took from our family finances and gave to #2, I beg to differ. I resented the hell out of it.

    And really….#2 gets paid, and what does she have to do to get that money? She has to resign herself to having a guy around part time, obey his commands, cater to him, and give him sex on demand and then he’s off to the next one. You know who else does that? A prostitute.

  35. Great responses Alice and Unchained. Need to break through this shell that covers the authentic minds of Muslim men.

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