Trust in most marriages is based on exclusiveness. You know you can trust your partner to prioritize you and your children because you both have your life and your future invested in your family. You know that you have an equal interest in protecting, providing for and investing emotionally in your own family. Trust is also based on the promise to forsake all others. Even though islamic websites like to point out that cheating on your spouse is common in the west and in monogamous marriages, the truth is that most married people stay faithful to their spouse, and love their partner through better and worse.
In polygamy, this is not the case. A husband with two families only invests half his time, half his money and half his interests in your children and your marriage. He has a back up plan and a way out. So if you should leave him, he’s not losing his life investments, he’s just given the opportunity to move all his chips to red. No loss. So you can never trust him to be equally protective of your family, to be equally committed to you and your children. Because he isn’t.
He has also chosen not to forsake all others. Not only has he chosen to follow his lust and have sex with somebody else. He has chosen to move half of the love-chips, money-chips, time-chips, children-chips, to her side of the table. He is investing in her, the same amount he is investing in you. So you can never trust him.
If he did this by lying to you, behind your back or against your will, of course there is really no trust left. You may still find advantages to staying with him, you may still love him – god knows love is not rational! – but you will never trust him again. Simply because he has proven himself not to be trusted.
If you stay with him, he will probably believe you still love him like before, that you will be able to trust him again. He will probably drown you in sweet nothings to build this love and trust again. “You are still my first love” “I love you more” “She can never take anything from our love” – and so on. You know none of this is true. The love you had and the trust is gone, never to be refound. You can learn to love again, should you want to, but the trust will be gone forever. Simply because he’s no longer investing his loyalty in your family and marriage, he never will again.
If a man bets 50£ on Man U to win and 50£ on Arsenal, every game for the rest of his life, you would not say that he is loyal to Man U! No Man U fan would anyway… 😉
You simply can not trust a polygamous partner.
You can not trust a polygamous partner, because they are not on your team.
Every polygamous person is working both sides of the fence, every polygamous person is a double-agent. In islam, this is very much true, since your husband may be on the other team without even telling you about it, a marital Kim Philby.
I suppose this is why most people despise polygamists. Not because they are lustful or selfish but because a polygamist is never to be trusted, because a polygamist is by necessity a double-agent, a traitor to his first family.