The Second Wife – Living Polygamy

Source:Wikimedia Commons

Source:Wikimedia Commons

Who becomes a second wife?

Many of us wonder, who are these women who are willing to become a man’s second choice, who are willing to always be nr 2?

There are a lot of opinions out there about second wives, I can tell you!

First of all, of course there are a lot of women who become second wives in a way that I can respect. If the first wife is the one who wants the husband to marry again for example, and actually, this does happen. Sometimes a first wife might want children, and the husband wants them too, but she can’t have any. If together they choose to look for a second wife who is willing to cooperate to build a family then, fine. A woman willing to become second wife under these circumstances and of her own free choice is to be respected.

If a man becomes polygamous, he declares to the world that he is pro polygamy and is embracing polygamy. Should the wife then decide to become polygamous too, there is of course no harm in becoming the second spouse to this wife, since her husband has already proven himself to be in favour of polygamy, thereby granting his wife automatic rights to take a second spouse too. This too naturally deserves respect.

But there are other kinds of second wives too – despicable kinds.

First of all, I despise all women who agree to become a second wife against the expressed wishes of the first wife. These women are quislings, utterly despicable and should be considered lepers by society.

Even worse are the women who agree to marry a married man, even though he is honest with not having even told the first wife because he knows she will be so devastated and hurt that he doesn’t dare tell her. These women are vomit. They are cursed vermin.

Another kind of second wife, not as bad but still despicable, is the one who is all sweet and amicable before the wedding, saying how she respects the first wife and will do her best to make polygamy endurable, but as soon as she is married will start to do her best to get rid of the first wife by making her life miserable – backbiting, lying, manipulating and playing power-games.

Many second wives seem to think their husbands love them more, that the husbands have chosen them before the first wife, that they are the favorites. Often it seems that second wives delude themselves and believe that sooner or later, the husband will give his first wife up if they just suck up to him enough. Don’t they realize that if their husbands had wanted to leave their first wives, it would have been so much easier to do that in the first place? Statistics actually show that it is very rare that a polygamous husband divorces his first wife, it’s much more common he lets # 2 go when she becomes disillusioned by his not leaving #1 and starts acting a bitch….

Most people are, understandably, prejudiced against second wives. One thing I think is significant is that many second wives choose to have a clause in their marriage-contracts giving them the right to divorce should hub choose to take a third wife….. How come, girls? Aren’t you loving for your sisters what you love for yourselves?

50 thoughts on “The Second Wife – Living Polygamy

  1. I am a second wife. I am not proud of it, but I am not ashamed either. I wish his first wife could have been positive but that was not as i could be. I was divorced and had a child. I did not get any offers and having a child is difficult for a divorced woman who must work. So when a man who was good and honest proposed I became his second wife. He didnt tell his first wife because she would be so upset. I had always said I would not do that but I did for me and for my child and for a man who wanted me. I am not sorry for what I did but sorry that she was hurt. Is ok now. But I am not vermin. I was lonely and looking for help with my child who needed a father.

  2. The man has a right to marry without telling his prior wives. But the second wife has a right to know if the man is already married. So the first wife has no rights towards the second, but the second has rights towards #1. So the wife can not islamically hold it against her husband for marrying a second against her will or without her knowing it. But he second wife has no rights over the first so the first has a right to hold it against her if the second causes her this harm. To become a second wife in a manner that is hurtful to the first wife is extremely bad and sinful and is not islamic. It is all selfishness. These women should be ashamed of themselves and shunned.

  3. Is your coco sexier than you? Is she younger? This sounds like bitter first wives who are old fat and ugly…

  4. I am a second wife with a 2 years old baby and my husbands first and immediate family never know about me and our baby. My husband is living in his country with his first wife with their 3 children and i am living with my parents in my own country, we have four hours times difference and it is 8hours straight by plane. At first i accepted it because he always make an effort to call me in skype everyday. Long distance call every friday and he use to travel and come to me every 6-8 months of the year and spend his 15 days with us. He never failed to send us allowance every month and extra if i asked him to. He says it is only for the meantime because it is very hard for him to find a place for us to stay if ever he will bring me and our baby to his country. It is now my 3rd time spending ramadhan alone as i am the only revert muslim in my family. And in times like this, i honestly dont feel ok, his ramadhan schedule is different, he calls me over skype only every other day and in very short time too..i am not feeling happy the fact that i can imagine he is actually spending happy iftars and suhoors with his first wife and jealousy starts to eat my heart out, i feel hurt and i cannot concentrate in my fasting. I love my husband so much but i feel the need to let him go, let him stay forever with his first wife and live my life alone as a single mom.
    I start to switch off my phone and not signing in in skype just to try to avoid him, the more i am not hearing his voice the more i am not missing him, the more im getting myself used to be being alone without him in my life. I am fed up from all his promises that he will bring us to his country sooner, i almost want to give up. What can i do? Do i have to divorce him? In what ground? Im afraid if i ever do that, i will not get my child rights. Please kindly advice.

  5. Well, according to hubby’s words and actions, no and no and we’re still married. The EXcoco only has me beat in psychotic diagnoses. YOU sound like a delusional homewrecking twatwaffle.

  6. I feel sorry for all you women who have to endure the pain of sharing your husband.Think about this…..if it were not for your religion…..would you have entered polygamy on your own free will? Also do you think your husband could or would ever endure or put up with you sleeping with another man?No way would he.They have rights to you but you have no say in their choices on sharing his body & bed with another woman.It is a knife in your heart.I can’t even fathom what you endure.I will say this….God created man & woman to be together.One man & one woman.That is a family.It is man NOT GOD who created polygamy.It is a CUSTOM of man.It is NOT a commandment from God.

  7. You summed it up very nicely. Agree with every word you said. I hope more women read this and be able to understand this.

  8. A secret second wife…..This is how you deal with it…..you don’t become the secret wife period.If you were dealing with an honest man he would’nt be sneaking around on his first wife to begin with.Think about THAT. Plus if he did it to his first legal wife……what makes you think he would’nt do it to you? do you think you are special? I’m sure his first wife thought she was special also.When a person is in “love” it seems that they have tunnel vision & reality is no where to be found……Honesty is what you look for in a mate not dishonesty..He requires that of you so tell me why you do not require this from him? I you settle for a dishonest man that is what you will get.

  9. God is neutral or silent about polygamy. He neither condemns nor approves of it. It depends on one’s decision. Some men are honest to marry a second wife, maintaining both of them, while others mistreat and divorce their first wife in order to marry a second one even if they have children. Which one is better?

  10. Hi James, welcome!
    If one believes in god, in any main religion, he is clear on one thing: Do unto others what you would have them do unto you. Don’t do unto others what you would not have them do unto you.

    These men you’re talking about – the polygamists as well as the cheaters and men who mistreat their first wives – are they paying heed to this, the golden rule, as you see it?

  11. Sour grapes…..the name says it all…..Hey grapes or should i call you sour? Are you old fat & ugly? People who get involved in polygamy are going to get hurt for sure.And it does’nt matter if you are old or fat or ugly or all 3 because you still have a heart & it still hurts when your husband prefers someone over you.Polygamy is from hell & is based on the total controll over women by men who see them only as their personal property to serve their needs (first & foremost) & to have their male children to carry on their name.Totally unequal & totally for the male & totally a custom created from man not God.

  12. You know it really makes me sick inside when i hear about women who are Muslim & if there is a divorce they lose their children under the Muslim law.What a heart wrenching injustice this is. Women have no rights .Men have all the rights….even if it is the man’s fault for the divorce.Even if the woman was a good mother It DOES’NT MATTER!You automatically lose your children to the father! What a nightmare.Here is another injustice done to women….under Muslim law a daughter gets 1/2 the inheritence that a son gets.Simply because she is female.One more injustice i want to say….& this injustice basically stems from a faulty belief that all females cannot be trusted. Under sharia law ….a woman’s testimony is worth 1/2 of a mans ….she MUST have i think 2 or 3 people to back her statement up in court …..if a man goes against her in court or accuses her …..his word alone is considered truth & she needs 3 witnesses to combat him before they will even consider her side…….because her word alone is not good enough because she is a woman. That one REALLY KILLS ME!!! Talk about sexism & injustice! You Muslim women have very few rights at all & it is only because a man gave you those little tiny rights…..after all your only a woman & only worth 1/2 of what a man is……I’m sorry i have to go puke now

  13. Hi James,

    Isnt it a case if having your cake and eating it too?

    I don’t think it’s an either or situation. Its not like the only options are mistreating and divorcing a wife or polygamy.

    There’s a whole spectrum of choices a man could make.

    My issue with polygamy remains that ALL men choosing it know that it will cause extreme pain to his wife. Why would a man, who says he loves his wife dearly, knowingly cause her so much anxiety and hurt?

    Do his wants and feelings count more than hers?

    How does a man justify that to himself? Just by thinking its allowed, im treating them equally, im honourable cos I could have just divorced her?

    I like it when sensible men like you post James. I hope in time it will help me understand polygamy, and religion, better.

  14. You’re despicable. You’d hurt a fellow Muslim sister for your own selfish desires. Unbelievable!

  15. I am a “second wife” and I use the term lightly as it is hard for me to take this “marriage” seriously. I thought I had FINALLY met a kind, decent, sexy, hard-working man that wanted only me. Granted I got pregnant pretty quickly…I was willing to deal with the consequences of possibly being a single mother. Much to my surprise, the first thing he said to me when i told him I was pregnant was “you know I am allowed more than one wife.” Dafuq? Didn’t catch the hint then but later on, when I was about 6 months pregnant he told me about his wife in Africa that he hasn’t seen in 6 years!!!???!! DAFUQ???? I was lied to in this situation. He told me all the usual rhetoric about it being forced, blah blahblah. So he has an “ex” wife here in America that he was SUPPOSED to have been divorced from, who surprise he is still married to. I can’t stand seeing her name on skype but at the same time I feel sorry for her. He is here with me with no plans to go back soon. So he says…. I honestly don’t believe anything he says, have lost all trust and think he probably has other families here too. I just haven’t been able to catch him up in anything concrete. These men of this religion are toxic and people tried to tell me but GOD how much loneliness can a woman take? Now he is gone most of the time, I told him about marrying another husband stricktly for when he is gone and you should have seen the look!!! LOL He says I can only have him/ Pshaw! THe only thing is we don’t have the history that you Fiona and your husband have. Im thinking of cuttin my losses and dipping out. Only now he has gotten me in this situation with an apartment PLUS I really like having him around for his daughter. The only way I can keep this up is to love him less. 😦 I feel crazy leaving him because he will be here anyway, so why not have him around at least until he pulls the rug. Writing this, I feel stupid for even thinking I could find love with one of these sociopaths. Lies without a conscience about little AND big things. Actually getting rid of him now might be best. Keep my daighters from thinking that isht is cool. Thank you for your candid hoest,y. It is SO REFRESHING in these blogs with these women suffering in stupidity.

  16. Hi!

    Why do they lie?

    It’s called having your cake and eating it too!!!!”

    It seems somewhat common for African men to have a wife in Africa they rarely see and then more randomly scattered around the globe.

    Are you happy? Is he a good husband and dad? Are you settling when you could have someone better?

    Good luck whatever you decide

  17. Thanks for the support! I have been reading this blog for the past few days, found it through reading Polygamy 411 which I identified with in the beginning (the rage) but when she started all that muslim talk…praises be upon a lying, cheating, warmongering, pedophile well I started losing interest. That’s why I thank Fiona for this blog so much. Especially when she breaks it down to the nitty gritty of how it all boils down to fucking. (LOVE IT)

    Anyhoo, yeah, after I got married (a nikah ceremony) all these people come out of the woodwork saying, yeah didn’t you know African men do that? Uh hell no! I was scared he would change as soon as we got married and he did. The only reason I even thought about taking it seriously is because they tricked me and said God instead of Allah. See I know Allah is not the God of the Bible so I planned on using that as an out if he started acting an ass. I was fooled and I wanted to try to honor God by taking the vow I made in front of him seriously. But now after finding out all this crap, lies on lies on lies, estranged wives, domestic abuse case in 2005, facebook thirst trapping, well…I believe God will understand me leaving him.

    I do believe he loves me. But I believe he loves himself and his culture WAY more. I guess I feel on some level I deserve it for the role I played as mistress. 5 years I spent as a man’s side piece whore. (see I can tell the truth) Although I NEVER tried to take her place, fall in love, or have his babies which he STILL TO THIS DAY wants me to have. Uh NO! We still talk every blue moon but have not been intimate in YEARS but I will always have love for him because I needed help at the time and he gave it to me and treated me better than any man to date. AND he was HONEST…when I figured out he was married I asked him and he answered honestly. I can’t tell you the respect that gave me for him because it let me decide whether I was going to be a whore or not. Honestly I was scared of becoming my mother…the wife at home while the man is out to play…if you know what I mean, so I went the complete other direction. I knew I was DEAD ASS WRONG and I stuggled with it at the time but now that bitch Karma is paying me back lol I would be out RIGHT NOW if I didn’t lose my entire saving on this new baby, switching careers, moving, traveling to see his dumb ass, a new car, and other expenses. I love him, but I know I can’t live that life. But how can I get mad when I did that to another woman? UGH!!!! Life is so messy sometimes.

    Negatives:
    1. I think he used his legal American wife for a visa, so how noble is he really?
    2. He lies about EVERYTHING!!!
    3. I don’t agree with his religion…the more I research it, the more disgusted I become with it, and him
    4. I saw him more when we were “dating” than before we were together. It’s like he gets off on seeing me sad that he is gone so much
    5. USUALLY these African men have ulterior motives that are detrimental to those connected with them
    6. I don’t think he knows what real true love is…just infatuation, lust, and false affections for gain. all of this is taught in his religion and culture.
    7. He doesn’t seem to care about my feelings
    8. He conversational skills suck
    9. He is CHEAP with me but sends HUNDREDS of dollars to Africa!
    10. He acts like he’s better than I am (African vs African American) (Muslim vs Christian)
    11. He’s usually awesome until he starts hanging around his hater African friends who encourage him to get an African girlfriend, treat me like crap, and all kinds of fuckery.
    12. HE’S MARRIED ALREADY

    …and much much more! lol

    Positives
    1. He makes me laugh
    2. He is good with children
    3. He seems to care about my feelings ( I realize this is in the other category)
    4. He is an entrepreneur…I love people who work for themselves!
    5. He was a part of the beautiful blessing that is my youngest baby girl! 🙂
    6. He had stood up for me to his African friends, defending me and his right to be with me.
    7. He can cook his ass off (Im a foodie lol) Yummy

    From what i can see…the negatives FAR out weigh the positives. He used to have way more positives but seeing as though he doesn’t do those things anymore…well. The only reason I am here is because his other Is in Africa, he hasn’t seen her in years, and we have a child together and since he is in the US, I feel it’s best to have him around for my daughters sake. I’m already raising two daughters without the assistance of their father. How can I do it to another? But isht will hit the fan when he goes to Africa to visit which he needs to go soon because his dad just died and he is the oldest child. Lord knows what he will come back like. He says he is only going for 2 months instead of more because now he is married and has a family so things are different. Is that a lie to placate me? He said he didn’t go when his father died because of us, but he was more than willing to leave me to my mother to have the baby and wouldn’t even shut his store down for a week to be with me. Something is fishy. I think he probably really hates it there but from being away so long and watching those stupid misogynist African movies, his nostalgia has been kicked up. Otherwise why not just go back? Why all of a sudden now? To keep me in check? HA! Many before him have tried, only to fail miserably. I am not built to be unhappy like I said, we don’t have the history that say, Fiona and her husband have so….. I told him his little feelings will be hurt when I he comes back from Africa from fucking most likely his cousin (ew) that someone will be in his place. I am NOT the lonely, long suffering type. Whats the point of being with a man that you have to control your love for. But then how can I speak of wanting unconditional love when I can’t give it? Should I stay or should I go? Ugh. Sorry to ramble…I just don’t have anyone to talk to about this.

  18. Salamwalakum….I had to get on here and post up im so shocked at how sisters feel about this cause I just gain a co wife and I am bitter, mad, sick to my stomach, I feel betrayal, back stabbed, let down, and many
    more….I have been maried to my husband for 2 months now and after being married to him for a month and a half he come and tells me that he has another wife o no im sorry he text and told me that..I was mad as ever and now I want to meet her and all he keeps saying is inshallaha……I am 10 yrs older than my husband and she is 5 yrs younger than him….im trying to stay in this marriage for the sake of Allaah..but im just over the whole thing…..he doesnt aide me at all nor does he do what is obligatory upon him when it comes to thus marriage. ….when I told him I was calling akola he told me that he will not grant it cause I was thinking with my emotions….might I mind you I have been with him for 1 yr before we got married….the first wife has never spoken with me….she doesnt not even know me….and trust me im not old im in my 30s but if you where to see me you would swear im just n my 20 with 8 kids but none are by him and my co wife is 20…..one time he boosted her to me bieng mean and I bust him in his face my Allah have mercy on me but he kept throwing her up in my face…..he told me that she came to him and want to marry him…..I feel like the co wife should at least want to meet the first wife so she knows what she is getting herself into.

  19. wow…..you have 8 kids????? And none of them are from him? So who is the father or fathers of your 8 children? Hey this man married you with 8 children…..that is a HUGE responsibility……especially if the original father or fathers do not support their own children. If you live in a country where sharia law rules……usually the father has all rights to the children & the mother never gains custody & has no rights at all because she is a woman (what a bunch of crap women are forced to swallow in Islam )

  20. And its only one dad he does not have to do anything at all for my children their dad is great with them…..

  21. I have been married for 5 years with a man who Always showed me love an i love him so much too… but when he went back to his country i found out he married another woman there. i was horrified. he Always said to me he would never do that an explained that he was force by the family so the second wife could be with the mum an help her.. we broke but we still love each other. even though i cant accept tjis.. an the worst thing is that this woman Always tell him to try to go back to me. but when i talk to her she says that she is sorry that i’m suffering but she likes me and want us to be happily together. so it’s like i am the one causing problem. he sais he dont know how to leave her, cuz she’s from his family an would be a big shame in his country. i dont know what to do an how to get rid of her. cuz she’s Always patient with him even if he Always talks about me with her. how can u be like that? still can’t believe it. sometimes i just wish to die

  22. Sad girl…….i feel for you……not all men are like your man….Islam law for marriage is to blame.You should have never married a Muslim. You could leave him & ask god to give you an honest man or stay with him & learn to live his Sharia law from hell.

  23. I just saw your post sad girl.

    I imagine the ‘family’ wife is forced to say those things to you. Your husband sounds weak and selfish. Who wants a man that is too scared to say no to his parents? I guarantee he is forcing the family wife to say those things to help get you back. Her life and reputation would be ruined if he divorced her, so she is having to say and do anything he wants.

    She was only married to serve his mother?! Disgusting. Surely her life deserves more than that.She is probably young and never wanted polygamy either. She probably dreamed of being loved by her husband, not hearing how much he loves another!

    You are better off without this man. End things now or 5, 10 years down the track you will still be sad, still be betrayed, still being lied to. He knew when he married you that one day he would also marry a girl chosen by his family (a cousin probably).

  24. I hear all the sad and heart breaking things about polygamy but since when are human judges though? Yol keep going at the second wife, had everything been okay in the first marriage there wouldn’t be a need for another wife. We all grown here and know not everything is black and white always or as it may seem.

  25. “… there wouldn’t be a need for another wife… ”

    Oh yes there would. Humans are curious, sexually, after many years of monogamy. And men are raised and socialized they can try (have to try, in some cases) the forbidden fruit – be it a mistress or, in some traditions, a “fresh” young wife (not that women do not get bored.. they are just socialized to be faithful, and threatened with violence in some societies if they go astray).

  26. Great response Chris, to the point. Stupid people like mbali giving their narrow-minded retarded points. I feel sorry for the other people who get brainwashed by these presently brainwashed minds.

  27. OMG I have been SO impatiently waiting for that “if the first wife (fill in the blank) then there’d be no need for a second”.
    Bull. Fucking. Shit.
    Pardon my language but this is probably the most often repeated thing second wives say and I guess if it makes them feel better to think so, fine. Then ask yourself this, girlfriend – if wife #1 was so lacking that he had to go elsewhere, then why the hell doesn’t he divorce her? Kinda gets your goat that he doesn’t, hm?

  28. And when push comes to shove, and second wives realize hubs isn’t going to leave #1 they go bonkers because they thought they were all that… I’m so happy for you unchained, both for the book and the date! I’m keeping all my fingers crossed 😀

  29. Well, the man gets to have a part of both the women, and enjoy each of their good points to make him feel good.

  30. Mbali. It probably makes you feel better to believe there is something wrong with a first wife. It must be pretty tough to only ever have half a husband aand have the world know your a liitle whore. Or maybe thats what the first wife was lacking… Being a whore, men like whores and along came wife number 2.

  31. iwift is funny to me that it is only the woman who is called a whore. What is it that men think that they are not the whore themselves?Double standards ……thinking they have the approval of god to have multiple sex partners called “wives” & the addition of more women who are a lesser “wife” called concubines. What a bs joke that is. Yes…..they justify their actions of being a whore by blaming it on the woman…..or the first wife blames the second wife of being a whore but not her husband for being a whore…….unbelievable.

  32. Oh no, dont speak so soon. I have an extensive list of words for Some of these men, some of which I made up myself. Whore is much too kind.

  33. I called mine a whore to his face. Him AND #2. Because that’s exactly what they are.

    Thanks Fiona. The guy is awesome. I’m really hoping something comes of it. So far so good…I haven’t scared him away yet. BUT….

    The PTSD is kicking in at times. I don’t want to carry over past crap into a new relationship but it’s hard not to. My self-esteem took one hell of a hit thanks to M, and I second guess everything now. “D” got burned bad twice and has the same issues. Trust is a very elusive but very essential part of a relationship, so it’ll take time. But D couldn’t be more different than M. In every single way. Yes, I’m massively smitten ❤

  34. Hello, only recently i have started to understand islam, i liked it with its logic truth history and Allah’s mercy. Yet i am having trouble with accepting polygamy, a man ( showed up also recengly in my life, he was my 1st boyfriend as i was 17, turned out that he also accepted islam, and has a wife!) Have in mind a lot of questions like why would Allah let us meet now again, as i was really having in mind to settle for a marriage. Its not easy for me to accept his marriage, but i am thinking if Allah allowed it who am i to reject it.. or maybe this will give me time that i would like to have in deepening my faith.. yet as i read these posts.. this doesnt seem so hopefull!

  35. Sometimes what we think is God giving us the desire of our heart, it’s really the devil. He’s really slick you know… Why would an all merciful God put the other wife in so much pain so YOU can be happy? He loves you more? Please don’t be fooled. These men use religion to justify vile acts. And when the devil tempts us… God ALWAYS gives us a way out. To me… This blog is God telling you the truth about what you plan do. Choose wisely for obviously you can read here clearly that you will never truly be happy sharing a man, even if you think you will now, trust me you won’t after the novelty wears off . Also put yourself in the shoes of the other woman, how would you feel? Best of luck in your choice!

  36. Hi Leya, I’d really advise you not to become polygamous if you have any choice in the matter. It might seem ok now, but that’s because you have minimal feelings involved. Once you marry and start loving a person, it will be much harder to share that person with someone else. Why make life harder for yourself than it needs to be? Do you really want a husband that is only there half the time? If you have children together, you will be left to raise them by yourself half the time, while he is away have sex with and telling another woman how much he loves her. Even most muslims view second wives as home-wreckers or mistresses. Why put yourself in that position to be disrespected?

    Most of us here that have experienced polygamy would advise you to walk away while you can. Be patient and wait a bit longer for a single man. If you still haven’t found someone to your liking in a year’s time then maybe you can reconsider his offer. I think given this man is asking you to become a second wife, he should be prepared to give you time to be certain about it. You would be making a very big sacrifice. He is the one gaining. He will get the love, nurturing and sexual intimacy of two women, while each of you will only be allowed him.

    Can I suggest you don’t rush into Islam and marriage at the same time. Most converts I know who married soon after converting end up divorced because they didn’t really have a good understanding of islam as a whole and the cultural factors that come with many muslim men. If you want to explore islam why not give yourself a year to do it as a single woman and then consider marriage.

    And lastly, can I suggest while you are researching islam you read analysis that is both for and against, that way you are not closing your eyes to anything. If you can reconcile the arguments against islam within your heart then maybe it is the religion for you. If you can’t then you have given yourself time to think about it without making any major life changes in the process that might be hard to reverse later.

    Best of luck to you.

  37. Y is it acceptable for a woman to leave an abusive marriage and remarry but a man cant? We forget that men have emotions too. Not all men who leave their marriages and take anoda wife are despicable. Many are also in abusive relationships with wives. One mans meat is anothers poison. I try not to judge and mind my business.

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