How to Deal with Jealousy in Polygamy

What men's jealousy looks like all too often in the muslim world

What men’s jealousy looks like all too often in the muslim world

Jealousy is extremely painful.

In polygamy, jealousy is, I’d say, unavoidable,

If you are forced into polygamy, the jealousy, betrayal, pain and sorrow could actually kill you. Even if you manage to survive, the pain will never really go away, you just learn to live with it. But even if you want to live polygamy, even if you have entered into it with open eyes, accepting or even Β embracing it, it will be painful. Jealousy will become part of your life, and sometimes, maybe when you least expect it to, it will show up like a migraine, turning your life into blazes of agony.

So, how does one learn to live with polygamous jealousy? How do we manage?

One thing I know now is that jealousy can be lived through, dealt with, faced, contained or run from, but it can not be managed. It’s simply not to be managed.

There are different kinds of jealousy. Many times, jealousy is irrational, based on low self esteem, insecurity, fear of losing somebody. But in polygamy, we know that our jealousy is rational. Our partner IS making love to somebody else, falling in love with somebody else, building a life with somebody else, comparing us to somebody else, giving things that used to be ours to somebody else. So jealousy in polygamy is rational. Remember that when people tell you women get jealous when their husbands marry another woman because they are emotional and irrational. No! We get jealous because we are rational!

You can find islamic websites where scholars claim that polygyny for the first wife means gaining something, not losing. They mean that she will be gaining a sister wife, rewards for being patient and obedient, and a husband who is growing in deen because he is providing for plural wives. Well, ok, I won’t even go there.

What they don’t dwell on is the fact that the first wife loses out on half the rest of her life with her husband, half a father to her children, half the moneys the family used to have- maybe they were planning on sending their children to a public school but now they’ll have to go to a comprehensive instead. AND – she is losing out on being able to share secrets with her husband, trust her husband to always put her and her children first, everyday talk without being guarded about what to ask and what to say. She is also losing out on half the sex, instead she will know that he will be carrying bacteria from his second wife to her bed, acari and body fluids, no matter how carefully he does ghusl. She will have to imagine him having sex with the other woman all the nights she is spending alone at home. Not only having sex, but making love – building and sharing love by sharing the intimacy of lovemaking. It is rational to be jealous!

But it might not be rational to let jealousy eat you up.

In the early stages of polygamy, I used to wallow in images of my husband with his new woman. I would lie in the dark and let the images of the two of them together swallow me. It’s excruciatingly painful, but you know I believe it’s good. A lot better than brushing it under the carpet or making yourself believe that their love must be platonic. After a while the brain simply tires of coming up with new images. You start being able to slowly begin thinking of other things too. You get through it. In a way, you simply bore the sexual jealousy to death.

I admit though that I had not been able to let my husband back into my bed before I met Graham. I couldn’t stand the thought of letting him touch me with traces of her on his skin, kiss me with traces of her in his mouth, invade my body while I had images of him with her in my head. When I first made love to my husband again after he became polygamous, I had traces of Graham on my skin and images of our lovemaking in my mind. That’s what enabled me to make love to my husband again.

Even now, I still have to live with jealousy. I can tell that my first husband misses his #2. He’s a scribbler, and sometimes I find things he has scribbled while talking with her or Skyping with her. I hate those jottings that show me he is part of another love, another marriage that means he doesn’t always prioritize this marriage. If he had children by her, I think this kind of jealousy would be unbearable. The way I cope is simply by reminding myself he has granted me the same right to prioritize somebody else. I think this is where muslim women instead go for the “focus on allah” deal. Well, if it helps.

Another important thing has been to let each other know what hurts the most. Tell the spouse what things set your jealousy going. Not all of them, because many things can’t be avoided, but the things that hurt like knives in your heart and can be avoided. Things like mentioning her without warning, things like answering texts in front of you, smiling at what she wrote, things like suddenly introducing new things in bed that will make it apparent he tried it with her. Communication is a must, and your spouse MUST respect these pleas for consideration. If not, it’s time to leave.

59 thoughts on “How to Deal with Jealousy in Polygamy

  1. I hate it when my husband speaks of things he did with his first wife before he met me. They had many years together and I know they share more than I ever will be able to. This makes me very jealous. I also find now I am in a difficult time. When we first married I felt I had an edge on his first wife because he was so attracted to me and infatuated with me so it felt he was incline towards me over her. Now life has settled into being ordinary and this is when I feel she has an edge over me since they share so much more. I am jealous now but I am fighting my nafs because I want to be happy in my marriage.

  2. Iam a third wife and this article really points out the agony of jealousy.when i married my husband i tried to emotionally and physically distance myself from him (we lived under the same roof but i refused to talk or sleep with him) in order to keep jealousy at bay and not attach myself to him.I tried all the shady moves a woman can do to make him leave me but he kept on pushing .i accepted to have sex 20 days after our wedding but still i denied any kind of love falling.
    Allah is great,greater than us :i thought i could CONTROL now we have a bond and i feel trapped! i am french and polygamy is really weird to me to say the least …i try to adjust but i am scared this lifestyle would ruin my faith as i dont understand why Allah put me in this trying situation. now i love my husband but i just cant deal with this part.He went in Africa for 3 months to see his 2 wives and that is really hard.Like the sister just to imagine the lovemaking and intimacy is disturbing… People dont care as i KNEW he was polygamist but this does not ease up the pain AT ALL.I wanted it i wanted him cos he’s the man i wished minus the 2 chicks and the bunch of kids ;Allah combined in my man what i loved the most and what i hate the most: i tried to take my man and leave what i hate behind but i guess i cant.

  3. Hello Mirinda, and welcome,

    Your right, it doesn’t matter if you know about it from the beginning or not – polygamy will always hurt. And it IS a trap!
    They only way to cope really, if you stay in polygamy, is by loving less. That’s what everybody says. You have to love less. Otherwise, it will eat you up. But as you love less, the question arises, why stay at all? I hope for you, love is strong enough to make it worth while!

  4. I’m not in an ordinary poly realtionship, but theres three of us. i have a 1 1/2 year old kid by my husband, and one wife has an 8 year old that lives out of state (supposidly my husbands as well) and NOW another wife just got pregnant, well a few months ago. and now i’m in a frenzy of jealousy, confusion, hurt and loneliness, if theres anybody who can just talk to me about these things it would really help, because i have nobody to talk to.

  5. Why is it so one sided? I would never accept this sort of shite personally. And nor would these “polygamous” men.

  6. I am struggling with this right now alhamdoulillah it is all a test from Allah to know ourselves better and to challenge ourselves. I have met the first man in my life that I think is better than my own father but he is married with 2 children and one on the way. He wants a second wife as his first wife chose to move back to her home of origin to be close to her family and leave him alone. Even though she isn’t able to provide him with the marriage he wants, he won’t divorce her because he feels fully responsible for her and won’t abandon her. I respect this and feel guilty for even entertaining the thought of him doing this to her in my head. I don’t know what to do. He is incredible and sweet and caring and gentle and a good Muslim mashaAllah… but he already has a wife and I am so afraid that this jealousy will eat me up inside for the rest of my days if I marry him. The thought of him going to visit his wife and being with her physically and emotionally wrenches my heart and turns my stomach and it is not even my right to feel this way right now as I am not his wife. I am at a critical point and must make a decision. I cannot speak with my family about this as they are A.) not Muslim and B.) would never accept this situation. They would think that I’ve settled instead of getting what I deserve. If a man loves you more than words can express, wants to take full care of you like a Muslim man should, treat you like his wife, his best friend, his sister, his daughter, his mother, his princess and his queen and give you the world if he can… are you settling for less because he already has a wife?

  7. Unless I understood incorrectly, apparently you we’re cheating on your husband with someone named Graham? If this is so, what HE did was alright by Allah, and what you did, sure as hell was not. I’m hoping I misunderstood you, because if i didn’t, and one one even bothered to comment on the issue, they are as sick as you are.

  8. hi, i am an American, and my “family” is not religious. Here the only religion is money, those with it and those without. He has it, we do not. Me and my “husband” are not really married and I live with his first wife, they are not married either. We both are mothers to his baby’s, and he has another women on the side who he flaunts in front of us constantly,mostly by telling us how great she is and that he can leave us at any time to be with her. We never see her though, we see when she calls, sometimes hear a message from her. We have no security, and live in fear. At least in your country you are married. But yes jealously never goes away. It burns and burns. I see myself as just another flower in the garden, easily picked up… smelled and tossed away. We have to deal with more jealousy and more sexual fear because he has no rules and believes that as long as he tells us he likes women and likes to have sex with them then we are well informed about his habits… he does not need to tell us when he has sex with a women.
    I have him wear protection now. He is with no-one. Hes ashamed of his relation with us, and that hurts more then anything. on his facebook we are not even friends… no pictures of our children live there. sometimes I believe he loves me… but how much can a mans heart be split? what little piece of him do I really have… hes had many women.
    Because of all this.. I see him as a friend who cares alot.. but I’m a single women in my heart just like he remains to be in his. Thats the only way I can cope.

  9. Hello! No I never cheated on my husband. I married Graham as my second husband before we were intimate the first time. So I became polygamous too, and polygamy is permissible in islam. Also, my first husband was the one who made our marriage polygamous, not I.

  10. Misogynism is alive and well, even among the female gender. Actually in Islam it seems female oppression is perpetrated nearly as much among women themselves as men. Laura, why is it ok that Fiona’s husband Mark can take up with another woman and Fiona is “sick” for doing the same and marrying Graham? Because some invisible man in the sky says so? That and a quarter will buy me a gumball. Fiona isn’t a Muslim. The man-made, and I do mean MAN-made, rules don’t apply to her.

  11. Why are you with him? Don’t you think you and your kids deserve a healthy relationship with a decent man? This dude you and his wife are with are in what sounds like a very emotionally abusive relationship. 😦

  12. If you are American then why don’t you just live on your own and get Government support as a single mom. Also according US laws this man will have to pay for child support. There are many churches and other organizations who do help people in need. Why live in an abusive life when your country offers so much freedom and rights to women

  13. Please never let your self get into polygamy problems it hurts when you see what you don’t expect at all just like I did, I trusted him blindly it was after we got married that I realized his first wife is his everything because he consider her his true lover so he respects her more than me a month after our marriage he left me an took his wife they travelled to America leaving me at home as a newly wedded bride i felt like filing up for a divorce I’m still regretting marrying him😒

  14. Hello Ralliya! Good advice. I hope you’re feeling better, even though I know the betrayal can hurt for years…

  15. Hi marinda. I know its been a while since ur post but I would like to talk privately to u if u are interested as I am in a similar situation. You can email me if interested. Naema

  16. Hi my name is almira by marriage, I am muslim by marriage.I was dating a muslim Nigerian man not knowing he was seeing 3 of us at the same time.I was very independent and had my own apartment which he visited very often.he would see me everyday and go home at 12midnight on some days and would sleep over every 2 days.and i would go to his place to sometimes. Until I fell pregnant when I was 2 weeks pregnant he confessed having impregnated 2 other women that he had already put in his house both at the same time in that same month of March .and I thought it was a joke. To cut the long story short he told me he was marrying all 3 of us as his culture allowed he bought a house and put all 3 of us in the same house.the pain of him making love to another woman right in the next room kills me.I stay up at times that me and him have sex and wonder if they were doing it at that time.I feel pain on a day he is meant too come to my room and he stays in the other woman’s room until he feels it’s time to sleep and he comes to my room. It hurts me when he wakes up early in the morning just after we have seX and goes to the other’s room. I wish there was something to take the pain away

  17. For the love of all that is holy, women, get out of these abusive relationships. It NEVER honors God for you to be treated like chattel, and in some of these situations people have shared, I can’t imagine living with such swine! Don’t let your children see you being beaten down and treated with such disdain and cruelty. GET OUT!!!

  18. i am thinking of getting involve in it so i am young and scared of the pain that i will feel sometimes

  19. Hi mampai, welcome. Are you thinking of becoming a second wife? If you could give us a bit more details, we could hopefully help you better!

  20. I hate polygamy from the bottom of my heart, my aunt was in polygamous marriage ,it was a disaster,I ended up getting raped when I was 10 years,because she was just occupied competing with the second wife than taking care of me.this why as long as I am still breathing polygamy is not my cup of tea.this Is why made it clear to my husband “you want many wives ,I am not one of them “.

  21. Hafi, I don’t know, but I personally wonder how Muslim women can hate polygamy yet never question the polygamous status of the man whose religion they are following and who apparently is mercy to the world. The reasons on “marrying in a certain context” and “don’t question too far, lest you end up in a place where you wished you have never gone to” have been quite destructive and non-beneficial apparently, and mainly served to cloud over the whole situation. And if it’s about things working in a certain way in the ancient centuries, well, when I see a number of teachings of Jesus and Buddha, even they seem to discourage polygamy and taught to hold on to the one wife and not lust after other women, particularly younger women by older men.

    Another flaw is how little Muslims know about other religions and are discouraged from authentically learning about other religions with open minds. Then they could find in those teachings many similarities with what they innately feel and know, and would not feel that Islam is the only potentially best option as a religion available to them.

    Also if they could feel that they can hold on to the many good and beneficial teachings within Islam and otherwise not follow and believe the rest of the doctrine or the whole doctrine and be open about it, it would have enabled more Muslims to be more open to options and speak their minds more.

    The other problem is the lack of allowance of free speech and expression present mainly in the Hadith (and in some interpretations of the verses of the Quran), which when implemented into government laws, or such Shariah laws allowed in secular or non-Muslim countries, or religious fundamentalists taking such Hadith seriously, it creates all the more problems to prevent Muslims from feeling more confidence to journey further into the truth. I have been talking to a number of Muslims over this, and the more open minded Muslims were stuck at this problem, which entered fear into them and hence they more or less shut off to further discussion.

  22. Sometimes though those Muslims (at times including people belonging to other conservative faiths such as Christianity, or even just other normal people as well) may not entirely shut off due to fear, unless they have been programmed in some way to value fear, self-protection and acceptance of other people much more strongly than seeking more spiritual truth, which may or may not appear to be directly beneficial for them personally at first glance. If they are more open to listening to their instincts and somehow overriding part of their fear, they start reaching out to the person who spoke some spiritual truths to them, which often challenge some parts of their religion. Even if at least listen and see what makes sense to them and reflect on it. But usually they need a lot of privacy and promises of not disclosing their openness to anyone else, which is totally understandable and which I do myself often, due to the environment and society of people we live in.

  23. Mariam, I feel lucky to be in touch with you and to have access to reading the thoughts you express here. Have you joined any other blogs where you can interact with other Muslims going through similar experiences and thought process and even better if you start your own blog. I like reading you here but i also feel that this being a polygamy related blog, your comments and thoughts do not reach many others who can benefit from it.
    Also I am just curious how you feel about the Hijab and Niqab now and what you think about ban on Niqab in France i remember we had a discussion on that topic sometime last year. Oh and that reminds me where is our Pakistani friend Do you still wear niqab? I hope i am not mistaken about your niqabi status πŸ™‚ I remember you said you wear niqab and shared an incident about how your cousins back home get curious to see your face uncovered and tried walking into your room unannounced to see or something like that πŸ™‚

  24. Laila, thanks for your comment πŸ™‚ I feel lucky to have touch with you as well. I had briefly joined Quora website earlier, like for over a month, where I had posted a number of answers and comments to various questions related to Islam, and philosophy in general, and connected with a number of like-minded people there, which was amazing for me that time. It was interesting and I could be more expressive with my opinions, and also discuss with other people having their own opinions. But due to some family related issues, I had stopped going there for a time being, and deleted my account as well. I might go there again, since it is the easiest way to immediately connect with multiple people.

    Starting a blog sounds interesting too πŸ™‚ I will see about that one. Well I spoke on hijab, not niqab, which I never wore in my life so far πŸ™‚ And yeah, my male cousins initially bullied me that way lol. On hijab, I still wear one, although I at certain occasions am more liberal with my choice of dress, such as wearing a colorful summer dress without hijab a few days back at a beach (although I did wear one of those typical broad jute hat a lot of the time). I can have a whole broad conversation regarding hijab with it’s different perspectives lol. All I would say is that for many of us, hijab becomes like a cultural attire that one becomes accustomed to, and many hijabi women very much dislike when something that they personally choose to wear or are used to wearing is being frowned upon or being bullied for being too conservative.

    Hijab (and even niqab, apart from occasions when seeing the face is a matter of security and identification) should be normal and okay and another diverse item of clothing that we see, whether for cultural or religious related reasons. The MAJOR problem with it is when hijab is held as something compulsory, which defines a woman’s sense of chastity and purity, or, something which irritates me to no end, is used to give justifications for “protection” for women that it protects the woman from perverse looks or rape (yikes). This mindset would obviously create a divide between Muslim hijabi and non-hijabi women, leave non-hijabis as more vulnerable and less free as a human being, more shameful about her body and it’s natural alluring characteristics, and would feel less free to be expressive as a human being. Another most annoying part for me personally is this: holding a hijabi woman as a symbolic representation of Islam, and being shocked when she does things that are “unIslamic”. This particular mindset needs to shift soon.

    So bottom line, hijab or niqab being a matter of absolutely free choice, without the idea of sin or preferred type of modesty being tied to it, is the ideal ground. We should see it as another item of clothing that one wants to wear. If one’s intentions for wearing it are noble about it in some way, that can be respected obviously. But if that intention includes belittling someone else for not wearing it or leaving other people more vulnerable for not wearing it, then I doubt how much respect that person deserves for wearing hijab.

    I please ask you all to be cautious about not taking hijab or niqab to the point of bullying people for wearing it, whether by choice or not, and forcing them to give it up. So in that way I oppose France’s, or Turkey’s, ban of niqab or hijab. If Muslim women’s mindset is the problem, it is the mindset creating problems, not the outer clothing she wears. So that should be a matter of target, not the outer clothing she wears.

  25. Hello guys, I amnt Muslim but I am planning to be married as second wife we are still dating…so my worry is my man never gets me gifts like phone computer and car like he’s doing for the first wife.his excuse is that I be patient that my time will come.I am pissed Coz he doesn’t takes turns in buying this gifts.he alternates nights btwn us.hes been supportive but my issue is just the gifts they make me so jealous that I sleep in the same bed with him but we don’t speak.Am I overreacting or should I walk away….please advise ASAP before I make this move

  26. Hello Lynn, are you actually this immature and materialistic that you would choose your life partner based on… things? If you want expensive things just buy them yourself. Problem solved. I don’t know how it works in your situation since you’re not Muslim, but with your attitude, I suspect your man is getting his just desserts.

  27. Great reply, Alisha. The immaturity and materialistic nature is high over here.

    And this woman, Lynn, she is expecting equal treatment and equal distribution of nights between her and the existing wife of the man even before she is married to him, while she is still dating him and considering marriage with him. Facepalm.

    And it does look like the man is getting his just desserts. Sorry for this comment Lynn.

  28. Okay, I think I misunderstood Alisha’s “just desserts” comment, which she probably meant as him getting his payback for seeking out even an immature and selfish woman just to have a side chick as a mistress type second wife. Anyway, looks like both of them are feeding off desserts from each other.

  29. Anyway, people do make decisions and go into situations which are not for their own or other people’s good. I myself nearly landed in a side chick role with a man who was broke a few weeks back, and had a main girlfriend in front of public. We had been conversing somewhat as a friend for a few months beforehand. He later got blasted by me for tempting me this way (previously, while having conversations with me in an intellectual way, and also expressing his emotional self in a way as though he is a victim of his circumstances). Tempted because I am still a newbie in these matters when it comes to practical life, so it wasn’t fun to see me sucked into this, overlooking his flaws and some outright lies as the compassionate person I am, and also somewhat liking the attention given to me, and the fact we had a lot of similarities among us which was fun. Anyway, we are still friends.

  30. Mariam, I’ve experienced that before, when someone tries to draw you into a romantic relationship (that they know you’re not interested in) by using work or other discussions as the basis to keep you talking and engaged. Some men think eventually you will succomb to their charm πŸ™‚ Just stay alert to any possible manipulation and cut him off if you see it.

    I think these men sometimes go for open, good hearted people like yourself because we look for the best in others and overlook flaws others dont.

  31. Thanks lifeisgood. You are right. Even with no interest on my part, he carried on so. Surprisingly we have some startling similarities between us, which caught my attention.

    Such men are sometimes frequently negative about relationships. Such as having a controlling girlfriend, one to whom they cannot express many of their inner thoughts, or they have been cheated on before. Or they are players, and wish they could have both the support and security of a stable relationship while also spending time romantically with other females.

    Ladies, I have a question. Do you get turned off by how a man dresses? This has been bothering me for a while. Men with average or lower than average looks need to dress up better to impress women. There have been a couple of men (including the one I mentioned) in the past few weeks who tried to get a little physical with me. Even though I didn’t really want to, they had nice personalities otherwise. But their appearance was a huge turn-off. Their clothes looked like they pulled the nearest shirt from their wardrobe. All in all it took them five minutes to get completely ready. If they are hanging with a friend, okay. But if they want a possible romantic encounter, they need to look better. Even an effort counts.

  32. I totally agree with some of comments here regarding in polygamy relationships. And I love you sisters because you all are doing so good. One thing I would like add in terms of “dealing jealousy” is that wives do not make them busy enough doing positive things instead of letting all these negative emotions taking over them. For example! Now you know that you are 2nd, 3rd or even 4th wife, you all might try to start getting busy to improve life style and improve sharing love for each others. May start getting busy by doing any business, educations, courses, investments, helping others, helping husband. When your minds are BUSY, there is LESS time for these jealousy, fear emotions to enter in your minds.

    I know its hard, but we can’t change others but ourselves. and there is always room for improvement.

    Love you sisters. stay blessed and never quit improving yourselves. Share LOVE with each others and have attitude to “GIVE”. You will be amazed what good result you will have by doing this πŸ™‚

  33. Hi Warda, thanks for your appreciation for us here πŸ™‚ And thanks for joining in.

    //When your minds are BUSY, there is LESS time for these jealousy, fear emotions to enter in your minds//

    Um. Well. I sometimes wish the wives become so busy and focused on other matters, that they can afford to kick their husband out and not give much thought about how he feels about it πŸ˜›

    Besides, if the wives get busy doing courses and investments, they may also interact with other men during the meantime whose company makes them feel better about the whole thing πŸ˜€

    Warda, you do know how unfair the situation of most women particularly in religiously endorsed polygyny is. Sharing a spouse by itself is painful and unusual, and instinctively the other spouse gets into protective and defensive mode to keep their partner more to themselves. Religiously endorsed polygyny is several times worse. Because now the wants of a god is pulled into the equation, who in the cases of Islam and Mormonism, also happens to be highly patriarchal and biased against women.

    So yeah, I don’t know how simplistic advice such as keeping busy or so is going to do much good regarding the trapped women in polygyny, or relieve their psychological pain and turmoil.

  34. Hi Mariam!

    Dear what you wish sometimes, I actually wish all the time when it comes to polygyny.

    Hello Warda,
    If I understand correctly you more or less want wives to distract themselves( keeping themselves busy). Well if you haven’t ever realised yet there’s a difference between healing/ coping and struggling day by day when it comes to acceptance of something, and certainly AN ADDICTION TO DISTRACTION is no way of making peace with the circumstances instead an escape from reality.

    Not to mention “reality ” in itself is as different as heaven and hell for the one who’s forcing and for the one who’s being forced into it.

  35. Hi Successful,

    Lol I know we women here all wish for the same things all the time.

    By the way you gave a brilliant response above. The addiction to distraction part is the best point made above. I learn from you, and other women’s words in this blog.

    I don’t understand why some people take the concept of psychological turmoil and damage so lightly. Just saying.

  36. I think it’s one of two things. Usually the advice-giver saying “keep busy” “this is just a test” “sharing is good” (not that I disagree with that in principle, but when it comes to that most intimate relationship, that of a husband and wife, well, that’s a whole different ball game, my friends!) and all those other useless adages hasn’t ever been in the situation themselves. Typically we hear it from men, especially men with multiple wives. So there you go. That’s one.

    The other is much, much worse – not spoken out of blind ignorance or defensiveness, but out of denial. Those advisors are women in polygyny themselves (such as Robin) who fiercely and adamantly deny what every single cell in their body is telling them – that this is horrific, evil, and completely flies in the face of our nature. It’s a betrayal of their sisters, other women, but worse, a betrayal of themselves. I know it all too well, as I fell into that mindframe myself in an effort to cope.

  37. You are right Unchained. I think Warda might be in the first category. She sounds too flippantly easy-going to be in the second category.

    Again I have a hard time understanding how certain people can treat a husband-wife relationship like a normal friendship or something. Even in normal friendships betrayal and denial of human rights is hurtful. Husband-wife relationship is indeed much much more intimate than literally anything else. So seeing stupidity in this area, especially by those who have been or are in such type of intimate relationships perplexes me.

  38. Warda.

    Do you know something interesting, one of the most appealing things in islaam in the fact that allah tells us to THINK, to contemplate and here you tell us to stop thinking and keep busy. Warda, I was busy before my husband was polygynaous and im still busy now, but heres the thing, im female and am very good at multitasking. I can ‘do’ and ‘think’ at the same time. Furthermore, I can all but forget about what my husband may or may not be doing when hes not with me, but, when he is with me, talking to me, touching me, making love to me. I remember where he was, who he was with and more than likely what they was doing. I would have found it easier if my husband had of just left me, he didn’t HE is the reminder.
    Maybe women who are happyish in polygany only see their marriage as a contract. She has her jobs and he has his, thats all fine and good. If my husband dies before me and life got tough I could see myself marring again just for the contract side of things, I doubt id be interested in the friendship, being in love ect. I couldn’t care less what he does as long as what I need doing gets done. But what about the women who want an actual relationship with their spouse?. Does anyone think of that?

  39. I am dealing with my polygamist husband who now says because I cant have another baby then he will be monogamist if he has to in order to have another baby. He believes it is the 1st commandment of God. But to be monogamist he must leave me. I don’t understand how that can ben biblical. I don’t know what to do.

  40. Hi,
    I need help, Im from South Africa, Im a christian, I have two wives, we stay together in one house, it been a month, we all sleep in different rooms, my first wife is hurt and still crying over the new changes, I love her, is there anything I can do to regain her heart, happiness, smile ever again

    we are in the beginning stages, is there somewhere I can learn(website, blog) dealing with two wives


  41. I have a interesting scenario I’m in love with a man who has three kids one girl wit the first woman and two boys wit the second one the thing is he claims he wants to marry mi buh he lives wot the mother of two and spends nights wit the mother of the gal now few days ago i asked him if makes love to both of them and he told mi he does it wit the mother of the two kids buh now days he spends one night wit the other and the next wit another the issue is I love buh this has got mi thinking shd I leave this relationship or continue?

  42. Jazira.

    Forget it, do not continue this ‘relationship’ what men mean when they say they don’t have sex with a women they are either married to or spend nights with is:, they don’t have sex everytime they are together, but trust me, they have sex. How did they have a child in they don’t have sex……let me guess, it was only that 1 time lol.

    You should remember that YOU will be taking time and money from his children, putting more pressure on the mothers.

    Also, did you stop to think about the other women? Do they know about You? How would you feel if your husband was out having an emotional, maybe sexual affair with another woman? Asking another woman to marry him, telling her details of your marriage, telling her how often he has sex with you. What would you think of this woman? this woman who knows so much about you but you know nothing about her. How would you feel towards your husband, who went behind your back, started a new relationship and exposed intimate details. Is this a man you want to be married to?

    You didn’t mention if you were Muslim, but if you are there are already problems with your post.
    1. He already disclosed private details about his other wives. This is wrong.
    2. You are already asking for details about his other wives. Assessing their marriage. If u marry him this will get worse and you’ll end up crazy.
    3. Men don’t need love to have sex.
    4. I’m assuming that because he wants to marry you, he is married to the other women, but yet, you don’t call them his WIVES. He and you are down playing his marriage to them. no one will be special in this situation not u, or the other wives. You will all be married to him, all sharing his time, money, love. And all sharing each others bodily fluids.

    Is that what you want?

  43. Jazira

    Also, you said the issue is love. I take it he told you he doesn’t love one of the women. You’d be right, but remember he doesn’t love you either. He loves himself. He is the only one who is special, the only one he loves, the only one he cares about and puts first. It’s all about him. Not you. Remember that.

  44. Wow, a lot of Islam bashing here. Does it occur to you that monogamy does/will not solve the issues of all you jealous, insecure women? If it would – just look at the rampant animal like behaviour of so called ‘monogamous’ men in Western countries. Why is cheating/adultery so high because whether you like to admit it or not, men by their biological nature are NOT designed to be monogamous, hence the reason their role in reproduction is physically and significantly far less in terms of time and commitment, whereas a female endures a 9 month pregnancy on top of a roughly 2 years nursing an infant – so while you feminists are arguing for equality in polygamy, I’d love to hear your explains toon as to how women of this emotional and physical commitment in pregnancy and nursing can afford the luxury of polygamy compared to a man whose biological reproductive role is to deposit sperm and impregnate more than one women in order to yield more offspring? That is why men are less attached when it comes to feelings of love vs sex – now don’t get me wrong I’m not saying men cannot love or commit emotionally but you can’t deny it’s not the same way females love hard and hold on unable to separate love and sex…

    Your hatred of polygamy is due to your own insecurities as a woman that another woman perhaps with all the qualities you lack yourself as a wife/lover is going to sexually please your man and the threat that he will love you less – that is YOUR problem. Your own self esteem issues that you need to confront and lay to rest because jealousy is a mental sickness which destroys your life like a wildfire tearing through a bush.

    My Faith Islam only recognizes and regulates polygamy – a practice of mankind as ancient as time itself. Now for all you women propagating for equality in polygamy – seriously? Just think about the impracticality and insanity of that! This is not about competition and what gender can score more brownie points for goodness sake!

    What amazes me is that many women accept and turn a blind eye that their husband is screwing women outside but will never accept the logical thing: agree to an open run down of the sexual history of all parties involved in the prospective polygamous marriage and confront and deal with it. But rather you’d prefer your husband to do his business behind your back whether he practices safe sex or not so one day he can come and give you AIDS or some other STD so long as your jealousy is under control because in effect you chose to turn a ‘blind eye’ while he was having sex with other random women outside the marriage?

    My advice is if you are a strong woman who is content in herself and her own self worth, believe in your religion and husband and understand his needs in all occasions, not just when you are promised passion during a night of pleasure, and shallow promised to the one and only wife.

    If you hear of his desire for an additional wife,confirm from him politely. If he denies,don’t take his denial seriously or as an opportunity to start a fight, rather thank him for saying no, maybe he respects you that’s why at this stage he’s keeping it from you.

    An additional wife (or even if you’re the only only at the moment) is a chance for a game of healthy rivalry, not war. A healthy rivalry is of course a spice in marriage.

    When she comes in as an additional wife, welcome her in a delightful manner – this is only a reflection of your civilised nature as a secure woman and mature individual .

    Don’t wish any harm for her, if she’s a Muslim she’s your sister.

    And Remember, she only loves what you love.

    LOVE FOR YOUR SISTER WHAT YOU LOVE FOR YOURSELF don’t be that bitter, jealous, insecure wife because that will get you nowhere expect a one way ticket on the train to Miseryville. Jealousy and insecurity and just a recipe for madness.

  45. My husbands are doing fine, loving for their brother what they love for themselves.

    Being pregnant and having a baby while being married to two men was a wonderful experience. They helped each other run the household, and allowed me to rest and enjoy my pregnancy, and after Tamsin was born they worked together to allow me to be a mother only, not a housekeeper. They did all that. Goes to prove that the best thing a wife can have is plural husbands! And now, my daughter has two loving, devoted fathers who take turns teaching her to angle and ride a bike and respect men as the caring, honest, loyal and responsible people they can be.

    And yes, I agree. healthy rivalry can spice up the marriage! πŸ™‚ And the good thing about female polygamy is that I can have sex as many times a day as I wish – no man could. My husbands are secure in themselves, I believe a lot of muslim men would benefit from polyandry, and a chance to learn how to deal with jealousy and to be humble and submitting.

    After the age of 40, women have a much stronger libido than men. Hence, polyandry is the natural choice. A woman can love and care for two, or more, husbands, in a much more empathic way than a man could, since she does have a more intuitive nature. This is one of the reasons why most muslim men fail miserably in polygyny. The strongest reason however is the false and heinous sense of superiority and entitlement that islam uses to deceive men. (and women).

    I have received hundreds, maybe thousands, of email from muslim women telling me how they take lovers to fulfill their lives while their muslim husbands are off, often in other countries, shagging other women. It sooo amazes me that muslim men don’t realize this, and that they don’t look at the unfamiliar looking babies their wives give birth to and realize that they are not the fathers.

    In polyandry, there is no risk for std:s. In polygyny however it is very common, especially since muslim men are allowed to marry again without informing their wives, hence without giving them a chance to protect themselves. This makes murderers of a lot of muslim men! I simply can’t understand how any person with any ethics can condone this. They should cry with shame. So don’t be bitter because your religion teaches you that your man has rights that you don’t. Instead, you should pray to any god who is out there that she’ll forgive you for helping and abetting in the torture, rape and murder of girls and women.

  46. I have published a lot of comments from haters and trolls here, since I believe in freedom of opinion. However, I will not publish your latest post Nafisa, since it’s simply too retarded and hateful to be posted. Are you receiving proper help? Did you forget to take your medication?

    If you look at the post you wrote, would you consider yourself a fine spokesman for the religion you claim to represent? Is this what you consider adab? Speaks loudly of your ethics, intelligence and general disposition as a human being.

    The thing that really bothers me is that you claim to teach. How utterly horrifying!

  47. I think this post is also very discriminatory against men. Because it sounds like all men are only able to think with their penisses and are also unable for real commitment. If I would be a man I would really be offended to be put on the same level as a primate.

    And always the same argument about the natural role of men depositing sperm for more offspring. In the stone age it was not about impregnating as many women as possible it was about keeping as many of your children alive as possible.
    There is also some research suggesting that in the stone age women actually had sex with different men during their fertile time that would explain the phenomenon of sperm competition. So much for natural…

    I’m also always wondering how they know that cheating/adultery is so much higher in the west and how they know that polygamy would solve this issue. Just think of Jacob Zuma he has four women and is a notorious cheater…

    What’s missing again is also an explanation what happens to all the single men that are produced in all communities where polygamy is widespread. They are then expected to keep it in their pants despite their “biological nature” or what?

    “game of healthy rivalry” is that a synonym for stress? If you have children and maybe a job then you have enough work to do no need for any additional “games” especially not in marriage.

    So if your religion says so and you like it then ok but please don’t try to justify it with pseudo scientific mumbo jumbo.

  48. Alice, yes this is very offensive to not only men but also to the women who are mothers, life partners, friends, daughters of these men.

    Its more common for women to continue to live with perverts and cheaters in Islamic and other male dominant societies because they don’t have financial independence or govt/legal support. These cheaters and perverts are not talked about or punished in those societies doesn’t mean they don’t exist. Its same like more rapes are reported in West because women are able to report these without shame. In other countries they get killed by their own family, commit suicide, forced to marry the rapists, jailed or stay silent and live in trauma all their life than report it.

    I think people who hold the views like MIssPhDiva either do not know any good/normal men or havent had a chance to know well any men from the demographics they talk about, looks like their info comes from office/neighborhood/masjid gossip, click bait articles, sensational news and tv shows. If they had any real knowledge or pulse of whats happening in the world they will know better where men behave like animals (i think this reference is an insult to animals). Its not only extremists like ISIS who obviously lack humanity and any values at all, its also the common men in Muslim or gender segregated societies engaging in molesting women whenever they get a chance in public places, offices and even at home. These men obviously want to keep their own wife/sister/mother covered, at home and not let them interact with non-mahram men because they know very well from their personal experience what can happen! Some of these men are raping their own wives because there is no law against it, selling their own young daughters to wealthy older men in the name of marriage, abusing children (we all know how prevalent it is in Muslim majority countries

    No society is perfect. There are always criminal and sick people in every society but what differentiates one society from other is how those sick people are dealt with by families, society as whole and by law of the land.

    Every mature person who makes a decision to marry understands that its much more than just using their spouse to meet their sexual needs. If the most important thing to a person is meeting their natural desires for multiple men/women then they can stay single and keep dating all the variety of men/women they want. Gladly west has this option that Islam denies. So its actually Islam that tries to control people and deny them the right to choose a lifestyle to meet their natural desires/tendencies. West offers these alternate lifestyles as long as it doesn’t interfere in other people’s rights or is gender discriminatory etc.

    Libido and sexual desires vary widely from person to person and for women even during different times of the menstrual cycle. Most women report to be very horny after their periods and close to their fertile days. During these windows of time some women want sex more often than what one man can naturally manage. Does that mean its natural for those women to cheat on their husbands during those days.

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