Question: I am curious Fiona if you have thought about these questions? Where would you be now, if you had not met Graham or if Graham had refused to part of polygamy? Do you think you would have divorced your husband? What if your husband had refused to accept Graham and said he would divorce you if you did not give Graham up? What if a couple years down the road either Graham or your husband decides they will not stay with you as long as you have a relationship with the other? Are you willing to live monogamy with either of them if that should happen?
Answer: These are very good, and extremely difficult, questions.
Where would I be now if I hadn’t met Graham? You know, many people believe it would be almost easy to leave a husband who lands you in unwanted polygyny. No worse maybe than an ordinary divorce. But that is not true. I like to use drug addiction or alcoholism as a parable. To stop using heroin or alcohol is extremely difficult, especially for somebody who has been an addict for a long time. But it is doable, especially if you are highly motivated and get good help. This, I believe is like a divorce. Imagine however trying to give up on heroin if your supplier tells you that he wants you to give up using every other day for the rest of your life, but that he will continue to supply you with heroin on the other days. This is what polygyny is like. can you see why people can’t leave? This is why polygyny is so cynical, so excruciatingly painful. You still love this man. He tells you he still loves you, more than ever, and will stay with you every other day if you just let him…. The polygynist husband in this way is like a crackdealer. And the women end up staying, even though it really is against their will. They are crackwhores. I was a crackwhore too. I don’t think I would have left him. I would have turned into a ghost. Or died.
If Graham had refused polygamy, maybe I would have chosen him, I don’t know. But I find it difficult to believe really, because the bond with my husband is so strong. Maybe I would have started looking for somebody else who would have accepted polygamy?
My husband did tell me over and over again when I first told him about Graham that he would divorce me if I didn’t give him up. I said fine, divorce me. A small part of me wanted him to. He had hurt me so badly, I was so much in love with Graham and I wanted the pain to end. BUT – I was also relying on the fact that my husband would be a crackwhore too. And he was. There is absolutely no difference between men and women in this case, as in most others. He went through exactly the same emotions I did, and he stayed just like I did.
If either of them wanted to leave, there’s really nothing I can do about it. I would still stay with the other. I never set out to be polygamous. I can live monogamy. At least with Graham who is monogamous. If Graham left me, I’d be worse off. I could never go back to sharing my husband, while being monogamous myself. I would not want to be a half-time widow again. Never.
Than you for these questions, they helped me see myself clearer! 🙂