Dear Husband (and other polygamous brothers)
So we know what Allaah and His Messenger stated, then we read about what the scholars say, we learned about the benefits of polygamy, then you heard me saying I want to expand the family, and you had to concentrate on how to NOT react to my intentions.
Now I have found a brother and married him. We are in polygamy.
Today we are going to talk about two things:
1. How to handle those days when the wife is gone, first for the wedding night (7 nights for a male virgin and 3 nights for someone who is not) and then for at least half of all nights.
2. Co-Husband resolution. Can’t we all just get along?
Ok. So your wife has had her wedding. And is about to proceed forth with a new family.
This time alone can be a culture shock for some brothers. What if you didn’t want to be in polyandry? What if you don’t mind being in polygamy but all of a sudden it hits you like a ton of bricks:
You are about to be alone, see your wife less, she’s gone off with another man………etc.
Well, I can tell you now the whispers from the Shaitan will be rearing their ugly heads more than ever.
And the tears and thoughts may just overwhelm you.
First it may not be easy for some. Honestly, some men just go through those spells of crying one day, feeling ok the next, then crying the next day – it’s normal
You love your wife. You miss your wife. You’ve seen her face everyday for years.
You probably have no clue how all of this is going to go.
But we can’t dwell on those negative emotions……..we gotta get happy.
Some of us get so displeased with polygamy that perhaps we could be making duaa against our wife’s success- or giving the Evil Eye…May Allaah protect us from this Aameen
You gotta check your emotions…
Making it through………
1. Trust your wife
You married a good wife (right??? I hope so 😉 ) Trust that she cares about you, misses you and her children as well, and that she’s sure you are having some ups and downs.
Trust her that she made the best decision for you and your family even if it hurts. She’s a good woman….and she values her family just the same as she did before she got married to another man.
You really have to trust her, to be woman, make smart decisions and know she has your best interest in mind. Don’t let the Shaitan trick you into believing otherwise.
2. Seek refuge in Allaah from the cursed one!
Shaitan is going to come hard. You’re going to probably think the worst things you ever thought.
As soon as those thoughts enter. Seek refuge in Allaah and don’t give it any thought. Not even for a little bit. Every time the thoughts try to come, don’t let it- keep seeking refuge and listen to Qur’aan.
3. Surround yourself with positive people.
I’m telling you now- do that whether your wife marries another man or not. Some brothers have it in their heart a strong dislike for polyandry. Don’t be around them.
They will tell you what you want to hear. Fuel the fire and wont be of any help. THERE ARE SOME BROTHERS THAT ARE IN POLYANDRY AND LOVE IT. Find them. Seek them out. Join positive facebook groups where people ARE TRYING TO GROW FOR THE SAKE OF ALLAAH.
Trust me- you need positive support. Not negative support. Especially since your wife hasn’t done anything wrong…….
4. Find something to do that you like. Take these nights as an opportunity to really learn you. What do you like? Who are you? What do you want for yourself?
Spend those nights planning crazy amounts of activities that will make your kids wonder what all the hoopla is about! Do something for you………you deserve it.
May Allaah make it easy on us all Aameen
5. Cry. That’s right. Cry.
You gotta have that all one big cry, snotty nose, red eyes, kinda cry. And then…………no more.
Don’t do that to yourself everyday. It’s not pretty…. (and your wife won’t think so either lol)
Cry. Own it. Then let it go, ok? It’s ok to cry and feel upset because you are a man, and your jealous- our Fathers of The Believers had scenes of jealously and they are pious and beautiful men. So know that you aren’t above being jealous.
Cry but move forward
6. Make peace.
She married the brother. If he does what he is supposed to do he isn’t going anywhere.
That. Is. Freedom.
You can’t change the fact that she is married again. No matter what you do……….the deals been done so to say. So acknowledge it and work with it.
7. Have some joy with your kids. (Well, maybe with your daughter at least)
Choose to live with some fun in your new adventure. Create new memories with your children that will carry them into the future with happiness and belief that polyandry can be a beautiful thing.
So use these nights to better prepare yourself for your children’s sake
8. Pamper yourself. Use these nights to spoil yourself rotten. Be a prince and build your self-esteem and self-worth up again.
You probably feel like you just got the wind knocked out of you.
So dust yourself off and treat yourself to something that will make you feel really good inside. Have some chocolate, take a long bath.
9. Trust in your faith. Wholeheartedly.
Allaah has decreed that polygamy is permissible. No matter what we feel.
We as slaves do not question what has been decreed. We hear and we obey.
So know that what your Lord decrees is great. It’s for you and had it not been for you, it would not be.
And lastly 10. Put your big boy pants on and suck it up! Lol sometimes that’s the break……….be a man, be gentleman like, handle it with class, and be a trooper.
Keep working on YOUR marriage and helping it grow. Don’t fall into a pity party where you just quit and watch life’s moments keep going. Get in there! You can do it! Islaam is not a ‘cake walk’ you will be tested and tried.
Just welcome your co-husband to the family and talk about all the fun you will have. Over some Starbucks or over lunch. Make him feel like he is a part of the team. You are now both the leading men in your wife’s life. Compliment each other and her.
Remember this (guide for husbands in polyandry):
* We will remain calm, cool, and collected. We will remember that this is permissible – no matter how we feel
* We will not ask for a divorce. You will keep your family together and get stronger Inshaa Allah
* We will not shadow box the wifey. No putting hands on anyone!!! You may get a giggle from this but we cannot put our hands on her for exercising her right. Instead: If you are that angry ask your wife if you can talk about it later. You are too upset to communicate with her..Its ok to be hurt- so wait until you can reach a happy place before you talk.
* We will not think that our wife is replacing us and get insecure about our position and our importance. We will remember that a brother coming into the picture is an extension – not a replacement. His coming into the picture doesn’t make you any less important or special to your wife. Don’t let the Shaitan fool you into believing that someone coming is just a way to move you out the picture.
* Do not think that someone coming in has the strength to break your marriage. Brothers sometimes give more credit to their extended family then necessary. Instead: Know that you alone can either strengthen or break your marriage. Fight to make your marriage better, stronger, don’t self-sabotage it and blame someone else, least of all your wife.
* We will not stalk the wife, check her phone, think that every text message coming in is from the other brother. Instead: Do what you normally would do. Just because your wife says she loves the other man does not mean she’s automatically talking to him and even if she is- remember it’s halal. Trust her to make smart decisions and give her her space to figure out what she wants to do. Make duaa that Allaah guides her to what’s good, instead of violating her and stalking her.
* You could get depressed and hate life. Some brothers feel like its the end of the world. That life is over. Instead: Love the same way you loved before. Be happy. Why? Because you will not show discontent for what Allaah has decreed to be. You accept it- and you don’t allow sadness to overcome. There are some people right now, dying from cancer………holding on. And their husband is helping them fight through this cancer…..I bet he would rather have to deal with polyandry then his wife being sick. Life isn’t over because your wife wants to remarry, or has remarried …. Make duaa that Allaah gives you and your family the best. That you and your family are content with whatever is decreed- whether she takes a second husband or not. And that Allaah makes it easy on you, and your wife.
* Please know that your wife was created to worship Allaah. It is truly by Allaah’s mercy that He put you two together, let you have a family, and kept you together and it’s by Allaah’s decree that if the wife wants to marry again- she is allowed to. Don’t let the Shaitan trick you into believing your wife is only meant for you. Don’t give in to that thought- you make it hard on yourself to be truly happy for her if she does remarry because you’ll think she wronged you.
* Walk with her. Support her. I know some men don’t believe that the decision is even hard on a woman to make- but it is. I know how I struggled. A wife doesn’t want to hurt her husband’s feelings by doing this. Don’t give up on your marriage and forsake your family. Your wife needs your support, so suck it up and don’t throw a tantrum – be a helpmate!
❤ You can do it!
Remember the benefits!
What are the benefits? As for having more than one husband there are great benefits for men, women and all the Ummah. Indeed what is achieved/beneficial for everyone, by having more than one husband is lowering ones gaze, protection for the private parts, better selection in offspring, that a woman can look after the benefits of a larger number of men and can defend them from causes of evil and deviances.
So stay devoutly obedient to your wife, stay chaste for her and send thanks for being allowed to share her with your brothers, allowing you to love for your brother what you love for yourself!