Envy in Polygamy

Approaching_Valley_End_Farm_-_geograph.org.uk_-_557752To want the same as the co-spouse. To envy everything they get. To compare and hate it when you feel you are getting something less, or not as good. To know, and be hurt by, that what they get would have been yours and your children’s if your husband hadn’t decided to become polygamous. They are getting what should rightfully have been yours. Envy is an inevitable plague in polygamy

When my husband married his #2, he bought her a small semi in St Albans. It was all he could afford since he had to be just in sharing his money between her and me according to islamic rules. When I married Graham we bought an old farmhouse together in the Chilterns. We payed half each. It cost quite a lot, even though it was rather cheap for the area since it needed a lot of work done. Graham and I are still renovating, turning it into the house of our dreams. When Bimbo had to move to Oman, my husband sold the semi in St Albans. He sent some money to her family in Yemen, he is paying his aunt for #2’s keep, and he has set the rest aside to be able to afford traveling to Oman to visit four times a year.

Now, when Graham is moving into the annex, my husband of course is going through a rough time. Not only is the proximity a new test, having to see Graham every now and again, bumping into me and Graham together, being able to see us at night through the windows – it can be rather trying at times. But my husband has also realized that he has nowhere to escape anymore. Before, he always went to Bimbo when I went to Graham. Now, my husband is home alone on my days away.

The thing he’s really upset about now though is that I have the house in the Chilterns with Graham, while he has nowhere else to go, alone or with me. Now in the summer, Graham and I spend most of our time in the Chilterns, and my son and daughter visit as often as they can. My husband meanwhile stays at home alone. I can tell you it bugs him!! And on my husband’s days we stay in London. My husband is saying that I’m not being just, that we should have our own place too, somewhere in the country. Thing is, he simply can’t afford it! He couldn’t pay 2-3 00 000, and I’m not paying for all of it, that wouldn’t be fair to Graham.

This is eating my husband. Simply eating him!!!

He keeps saying things like “If you loved me you would want the same for me that you’re having with him”, “You’re not supposed to have a favourite” and “It’s your fault I don’t get to see so much of my daughter since she’s always going with you to the Chilterns” and so on.

I just say “Look how easy it is to forget who landed us in polygamy in the first place. You were all about sharing then!! Cheer up, it’s good for you to humble yourself, share and want for your brother what you want for yourself!”

Oddly, he doesn’t seem to appreciate it the way he wanted me to, when he became polygamous.

12 thoughts on “Envy in Polygamy

  1. Yes I am envious. I know we could have had so much more if my husband hadn’t decided he wanted one more family. My children could have had music classes and my son could have played football. Now we cant afford the classes and my husband is only around half the time and I cant take my son to football because we can only afford one car. My children have a house, clothes and food and my husband says that is all that is obligatory so we should not complain. My oldest daughter has a collegefund, but when my husband married a second wife he stopped paying to the fund because he could not afford and knew he would not be able to afford funds for the new children. So my children will not go to college because the money is spent on two families. My co’s three children will not go to college either. My husband says we should be grateful that he provides us with shelter and food. I carry envy in my heart always. I wanted for my children what he is giving to his other family. I wanted my children to have a fahter who could take them to footballpractise and who could work to send them to college. I am envious because he chose to buy himself another family for the money that should have sent our children to college to a better life. I hate myself too for feeling this. Islam should not allow polygamy when there are children in the families.

  2. Women prove they are weeker in religion by being envious of what they do not have instead of cherishing what they do have. A married woman who is provided for who is cared for by her husband should love for her sister what she loves for herself. A man’s heart is big when he can love two families, and he works hard to provide. But he gets no thanks, only complaints that the women want more. This is why a woman can never be a leader of a family. These complaints make me angry but they also show clearly why a man is allowed many wives while a woman is only allowed one. Women are small in religion, small in love and small in giving. Men are big in love and religion and provide for all their families. May Allah forgive all women who can’t submit and be generous and thankful to their husbands. Use this season to repent! Ramadan Mubarak

  3. Well Zach, couldn’t men prove how big and generous they are by staying zufreiden with their first wife and their children with her, in stead of selfishly setting out to satisfy themselves with a new woman? How grateful is the husband when he causes his first wife and his children by her the ultimate pain by becoming polygamous against their wish??

  4. Again you refuse to see the errors of your reasoning. Men prove their generosity by providing for their wives and children. Men have no right to demand money from his wives, everything they earn is theirs to give to the children or spend on themselves! Men can be generous by giving love to more than one wife, taking on the responsibility of taking care of all her needs, spending on her and working hard to make her happy and satisfied. Women must show their generosity by being grateful and obedient and by lovingly want for their sister what they want for themselves without being envious or wanting more from their husbands. When their is arguments and division in polygamous familys, it is almost always because of envy and jealousy from the wives, not because of lacks or faults from the husband. Sorry if I offend.

  5. This is disgusting. A woman should be chaste and modest and keep to her husband. This is unatural and your husband can be no man and no muslim to allow it. You make your husband suffer. How can any woman do this? Your blog is full of sin and no decent woman should read this and be fooled to sin against her husband. To open your legs to more than one man is dirty and unatural in a woman. A woman must be a hidden pearl of cleanness and purity.

  6. “A woman must be a hidden pearl of cleanness and purity.” Al Zhakaan, you have a brain the size a pea, a hidden pea.

    Fiona, you have accomplished what few others can; providing a stage where Muslim “males” can reveal what they are truly made of.

  7. “You make your husband suffer. How can any woman do this?”
    This is disgusting, Al Zhakaan!! Look at islamic books or sites on polygamy! Look at polygamy rulings in muslim countries! Everybody agrees that islamic polygyny is the utmost pain to women, the greatest pain and suffering imaginable. Even the most ardent propagators of islamic polygyny admit that the pain to women is excruciating and often unbearable! BUT – they all agree that this is good for women because it forces them to focus on islam and submission!! So why are you talking about the pain I am causing my husband? What is wrong with him suffering? Why aren’t you saying that polygamy is beneficial, will bring him closer to allah and fulfill his deen???? Your hypocrisy is sickening!

  8. Al Zakhaan, all religions except for Islam are at least honest in their quest for “purity” in the sexual sense. They see a man being with another woman than the wife he committed to as a dirty adulterer. I can respect puritanism only when it is consistent. Women supposed to be monogamous and chaste – men being allowed to be promiscuous? It makes no sense whatsoever to someone who has not been brainwashed by “faith”.

  9. And as for “nature”: You are consumed by what your faith lens tells you nature is. You know what we human beings, especially our female specimen of the human species, are biologically programmed to do? To select the genetically fittest mate to reproduce with. Actually, to find several different mates every mating season in order to ensure conception. The female body takes longer to get aroused on average, but sustains excitement longer than the male, and is capable to multiple orgasms for one simple reason, and you will not find it pretty: To mate with several males in one go and – you guessed it – maximize conception chances. That’s our nature!

    And of course the cards to the game are mixed each season. Our biology would expect us to discard our lovers every season for a fitter, younger, genetically preferable mate.

    Also another fun fact on our biology: The mating with (even distant) relatives is not in our nature. We are biologically programmed to find mates we are certainly not related to. So cousin marriages as practiced in many Muslim countries are a big unnatural no-no. Arab women would be programmed to quickly fall for a tall, muscular, blonde Scandinavian when they perceived one. Biologically, “naturally” speaking.

    Isn’t nature fun, al Zhakaan!

  10. Chris, i am so happy to see your great input on this blog. Do you have your own blog or something. I would like to follow that. Please share.

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