Why is He Doing this to Me? The Inevitable Question in Polygamy Q&A

S%C3%A9pulcre_Arc-en-Barrois_111008_12Question: My husband has told me he wants to get married again. He has been in contact with a man who wants to find a husband for his sister who is a young widow. My husband has offered to marry her and they are now agreeing on the terms. My husband is going to meet her next week, and if they like each other he says he is aiming to marry her as soon as possible.

I now know that you can have a contract that says the husband must offer talaq if he wants a second wife. I didn’t know that when I married and I have no such contract. My husband says he will not give me a divorce and I have no right to ask for one. He says he loves me as always and will never allow me to leave.

But I don’t understand, if he loves me why is he doing this to me? I am heartbroken and devastated. I cry and I am very sick and haven’t eaten or slept since he told me. I ask over and over again why he does this, but he can’t explain in a way I understand. He says he can’t think of anything else. That his soul is full of wanting a second wife and more love. He says it is not about sex, but I found in the computer that he has visited sites about polygamy and sex, about sex with different wives and so on. So he is lying about that. He also says it is for my sake. To make me complete my deen by sharing him. It can’t be that he loves her, because they haven’t met yet. He has cried a couple of times and asked forgiveness but he says he must do this. Can you tell me why a man must do this to his wife? Can you ask your husband?

Answer: Oh, dear, the inevitable question. I am so sorry for you, I am so sorry you have to find yourself in this situation. The question you’re asking I think has been asked by every woman who finds herself in your situation – and they are far too many!!

First of all you are right – of course it’s about sex! The thought of having sex with two different women, the thought of sexual novelty, the thought of having two women competing for sex and intimacy, the thought of being the dominant male, the thought of your jealousy, of the sexual tantalizing pleasure in covert sexual sadism, and forcing you to share intimacy with him, having him enter your body with her body fluids still on him, in his mouth, in his veins, is a strong drug! This is why he is doing this to you – it’s just as addictive as heroin!

If he is muslim, he will also regard this as his right, and his male superiority is affirmed by forcing you to submit and obey. It will make him feel strong and religiously self righteous. It might also be a question of status, of making an impression on people around him or the ummah

My husband has admitted to all of the above reasons. He has made it very clear though, that he would NEVER EVER have admitted this to me had I been muslim, since these feelings are only talked about between men in islam, never to women since they are fooled into believing that muslim men only become polygamous out of love for god and wanting to care for poor or elderly or orphaned women, and that women who object are rebellious and will be cursed.

I am hoping things will work out for you. You must remember, I am not muslim. Maybe somebody visiting this blog will be kind enough to leave some better answers from an islamic perspective.

13 thoughts on “Why is He Doing this to Me? The Inevitable Question in Polygamy Q&A

  1. When a husband says he is taking a second wife and says it is not about sex he is lying through his teeth! Nobody would hurt his family so much if it wasn’t about basic needs like sex or food. Men are more aggressive and can hurt their wives because they dont feel as much empathy. It is easier for a man to hurt his wife because he feels less sorry! This is why men invented a god who always gave them the right to sex in the first place! But why do they think we are so stupid we dont see through this?

  2. Hello Nihan, and welcome! Well, I suppose the reason they think we’re so stupid is that there are so many women out there who let them get away with it! Some actually aid and abet them in claiming rights over women… I agree with you about the rest! 🙂

  3. Sister Nihan,
    He is not doing this to you. Marrying a new woman is part of what Allah swt has decided for him, it is not something he is doing to you. He loves you very much. He is asking your forgiveness and you should be happy, because he is asking it even though he is only doing what is right. He says he loves you and wants to be your husband always. This is a great token of love. He is also not falling in love, or doing anything improper, he is looking for a new wife in a good way out of islamic reasons. Of course, he is looking forward to experiencing a bigger family and the love that Allah swt allows between husband and wife. The sites you found may be because he is nervous about the new life and duties, not at all about lust. He is not committing zina is he, he is looking for proper responsible marriage. So you should consider yourself blessed, go about your own life, marriage and happiness and not make his other marriage be disruptive to yours. Show him you love him, make his favorite food, wear things he likes, welcome him with a smile to your heart and your bed, and he will continue to love you and his polygamy will never be a threat to you or your happiness!

  4. Hello Shush! Let me ask you: Would you welcome your spouse to your bed and heart with a smile if she/he had just come from the bed of another? Somebody he/she has taken on against your will? I think being possessive is not the same thing as being loving, not letting his wife leave when she wants to is not a sign of love! And how do you come to the conclusion that visiting sex sites is not about lust? This husband, who says that polygamy is a must for him, should ask himself if he would allow his wife the same option to fulfill herself with somebody else. If he wouldn’t wholeheartedly approve, he shouldn’t claim it for himself.

  5. The worst thing was absolutely when my husband told me it would be good for me to have a co wife! How can he use that as an argument when I am almost dying from the pain? That it is good for ME????????? 😦

  6. Hello Fiona,

    If I would take a second wife it would be to love and protect and provide for her. I have told my wife I sometime want to be polygamous, and for this reason. She respects that. I understand that sharing your husband intimately with another woman is very hard, and I admire women because by doing it they are proving themselves to be more generous and loving than men! I would love my wife all the more for giving this enormous gift to a sister. Men are more possessive than women, and I believe it’s a sign of love from a man, while sharing is the sign of love from a woman. I have visited sites about intimacy in polygamy myself a couple of times to learn and prepare myself and listen to women who share their experiences what their husbands do wrong and so on, so I can learn and be a good husband. I am doing this for the sake of my wife and my future wife, not to satisfy my own lust. I have learned a lot from your blog Fiona and I thank you even though I wish you could look at islam differently. Peace.

  7. Salam,Shush

    My dear brother in Islam,I grow up being a muslim,and I love this deen more than life itself.I am not in polygamous religious nor will I ever accept it,so stop bullshitting us,about caring for your wife.If you cared ,than you would not want to see her cry,cause she will when you are doing the actually marriage,I do not understand why this women deal with this crap.Allah knows is creation (women) so you are telling me that your jeoulsoy is a lot stronger than mine.I hope the best for your wife,cause interesting enough my husband told me ,if a man wants second wife,it means he no longer wants his first wife point blank period, and the woman should leave his ass, he might be one of the most honest men I know,, since my father,and brothers said the same thing. When men start marrying 50 year old widows with 10 children than I will be believe the honesty of men.I feel bad for your wife really,poor girl to have a man hat thinks like you.

  8. As-salam alaykum Sister,

    With all due respect, wanting a second wife does not mean a husband no longer wants his first wife. No it means the opposite! It would be so easy and bad of the man to leave his first wife and companion and maybe mother of his children just because he wants a new wife. It is responsible to keep the first wife, love her and provide for her and be a father to your children, bearing the burden of two families. The first wife will feel safe and loved and another woman will get a good husband and father to her children. So a man can be chaste but also it is better for the women. Nobody must be unsafe or sad and lonely even if her husband falls in love with another woman he will not leave. So polygamy is really more beneficial for the wife than the husband! She will be loved and provided for and can have free time to her to do what she wants but he has to work very hard to earn and spend on two wives and manage all the fitnah from all the wives… Please believe me Sister it is a good plan for all that good men can marry plural wives. Ramadan mubarak

  9. Salam my brother,

    My brother in Islam,first Ramadan Karaem .Please understand that am not here to attack your views,cause Allah has made it permissible for men to have multiply wives,so that am not argue about.However,i was think really hard about why Allah has made it permissible,and I realized it is to protect the first wife,as you said,however, he is protecting because the man is no longer in love with her,and I mean love by maybe sexually attracted. He may love her because he is used to her company and she might be a good person,but great personal does not keep men around.Man men have said that men are very visiual ,therefore since Allah knew that about men,he allowed men to get married to multiply women because if that was no a choice for the man,he would leave his first wife even if she did not want him to leave. Some women do not a have choice but to stay in a marriage, therefore Allah allowed men to remarry another wife he wants, but to still be fair to his first wife,but only things he can control,like financially and honor, however,Allah said love was not one of those things,because it is clear that a person can not love too people equal.Please brother ,why would a man leave his wife in state of shock,and depression because he wants to help another woman out, why don’t he just pay charity. Listen am all bout helping ,but I will never hurt my husband in the process,it is just counter productive. Women are very sentitive about the way they look,even more so since our husbands are the only ones allowed to see our beauty, so if my husband tells me that he wants another woman,i immediately feel that he is no looker attracted ,even a man will think that way.So my thoughts are if you love your wife,than do not hurt her that that manner,cause no matter how hard she tries she will always feel betrayed,and humiliation

    Salam,.

  10. “Please brother ,why would a man leave his wife in state of shock,and depression because he wants to help another woman out, why don’t he just pay charity.” – Couldn’t have said it better myself! Polygyny is not often about charity now if it ever was, it’s about selfishness. I have never yet seen a man here say he would marry an eighty year old widow…. Nope. It’s about lust and selfishness and trying to cover it up in self-righteousness to force women to submit to this abuse.

    It was very interesting what you wrote about a woman in religious covering clothing being reliant on her husband for affirmation about her beauty. I never thought about that. I have always been a rather beautiful woman and I am used to making heads turn now and then. I know my husband is very proud to show me off, and I have to admit I have always liked seeing that people look at me with appreciation. Is it important? Well no, but at the same time yes – it adds to my sense of self I suppose although I have never really thought about it. Being a niqabi e.g. the only head you can make turn is your husbands. I suppose the islamic clothing came about to protect men from having to be jealous and to make the women even more reliant on their men even mentally and to keep women a mass of people without identity nor a right to an identity, and also to keep women from being able to move easily and freely. I never thought of before that it is also meant to take appreciation and sense of self away, but of course that is true.

  11. @Shush, I am not Muslim, but there is so much truth in what you are saying. Originally, I wanted a divorce so that I could marry a younger lady. My wife begged me not to leave her for someone younger. When she suggested that I could have two wives, it seemed like a solution for everyone to get what they wanted. I even let her help me choose her co-wife. Most of the time they get along, but sometimes my senior wife gets these periods of overwhelming jealousy and envy. It is at these times that I think about how much easier it would have been to have divorced her and have only one wife, but I just remind myself that I love her very much too. I work very hard to be fair to both of them.

  12. As-Salamu ‘alaykum, Sister. Do not worry. I am in a polygamous marriage and my husband married me so as not to leave me alone without a husband and to protect my Deen. I believe that your husband loves you and that he will never leave you. But if you need a solution, then you can ask him for Talaq. Your husband is marrying this other Sister so she has a husband not purely for the sexual side but for her to have companionship and to be able to talk to her husband about Islam. Because after all she is not allowed in Islam to speak to any man other than her husband or a family member. So do not worry. Be happy and thankful for the life Allah has given to you with your husband. Your husband’s intentions are genuine.

  13. You’re right Fatima, the OP’s husband probably loves her and won’t leave her. These men choose polygamy, not because they don’t love their first wives but because they love the power and intoxication in having plural wives, multiple sex-partners, power over many women and they feed on the pain. They feed on being able to keep a woman, having sex with her while causing her immense pain. It’s a power thing. Many polygamous muslim men are simply living polygamy since they are into bdsm.

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