Question: My husband has told me he wants to get married again. He has been in contact with a man who wants to find a husband for his sister who is a young widow. My husband has offered to marry her and they are now agreeing on the terms. My husband is going to meet her next week, and if they like each other he says he is aiming to marry her as soon as possible.
I now know that you can have a contract that says the husband must offer talaq if he wants a second wife. I didn’t know that when I married and I have no such contract. My husband says he will not give me a divorce and I have no right to ask for one. He says he loves me as always and will never allow me to leave.
But I don’t understand, if he loves me why is he doing this to me? I am heartbroken and devastated. I cry and I am very sick and haven’t eaten or slept since he told me. I ask over and over again why he does this, but he can’t explain in a way I understand. He says he can’t think of anything else. That his soul is full of wanting a second wife and more love. He says it is not about sex, but I found in the computer that he has visited sites about polygamy and sex, about sex with different wives and so on. So he is lying about that. He also says it is for my sake. To make me complete my deen by sharing him. It can’t be that he loves her, because they haven’t met yet. He has cried a couple of times and asked forgiveness but he says he must do this. Can you tell me why a man must do this to his wife? Can you ask your husband?
Answer: Oh, dear, the inevitable question. I am so sorry for you, I am so sorry you have to find yourself in this situation. The question you’re asking I think has been asked by every woman who finds herself in your situation – and they are far too many!!
First of all you are right – of course it’s about sex! The thought of having sex with two different women, the thought of sexual novelty, the thought of having two women competing for sex and intimacy, the thought of being the dominant male, the thought of your jealousy, of the sexual tantalizing pleasure in covert sexual sadism, and forcing you to share intimacy with him, having him enter your body with her body fluids still on him, in his mouth, in his veins, is a strong drug! This is why he is doing this to you – it’s just as addictive as heroin!
If he is muslim, he will also regard this as his right, and his male superiority is affirmed by forcing you to submit and obey. It will make him feel strong and religiously self righteous. It might also be a question of status, of making an impression on people around him or the ummah
My husband has admitted to all of the above reasons. He has made it very clear though, that he would NEVER EVER have admitted this to me had I been muslim, since these feelings are only talked about between men in islam, never to women since they are fooled into believing that muslim men only become polygamous out of love for god and wanting to care for poor or elderly or orphaned women, and that women who object are rebellious and will be cursed.
I am hoping things will work out for you. You must remember, I am not muslim. Maybe somebody visiting this blog will be kind enough to leave some better answers from an islamic perspective.