Be Thankful Allah Only took Half Your Husband From You

En_boca_cerrada_no_entran_moscasPolygamy is extremely painful. Especially if your spouse becomes polygamous against your will, or behind your back.

Living in a country where this is HIS right, not yours, certainly doesn’t help. It will add insult and helplessness to the betrayal. You have no rights. You are not equal. You must not only fight loneliness, depression and jealousy, you must also fight the notion that your husband is a degree above you, that he has rights that you don’t – that you are inferior.

A muslim man not only believes that he is superior and holds superior rights, he will see it as his right and duty to humiliate his wife too, by teaching her how to react to his betrayal. When the husband comes home and drops the bomb that he is going to marry a second wife, or indeed already has, he is not only saying that you must share him for the rest of your life, that you must allow and watch him fall in love with somebody else, that you must teach your children that it is ok for dad to leave them to go fuck another woman, that you must allow him to make love to another woman and for ever go between you and her, carrying her scent, her touch and her bacteria into your bed. He is also saying that if you object, if you are hurting – this is your fault. Your pain is due, not to his action, but to your selfishness, your low deen, your lack of religion.

“Be thankful to Allah, before He takes back all the good things that He has been giving you.”

This was the answer a first wife got when she finally broke down and told her husband she couldn’t live with polygamy, she couldn’t stand the jealousy and heartbreak, she couldn’t stand the pain in her children’s eyes every time their father left and their mother cried.

How did she react to this answer?

When hubby returned home from overseas with her, I was ridden with jealousy. I tried everything that I could think of to overcome it, but I was overwhelmed. So I lost the battle and somehow I blurted out to him to say how jealous I felt since she got to have private time with him (she doesn’t have kids with him), while I had to share his time with the kids. (Actually earlier this year he brought us to a much better place and for a much longer duration)

He kept quiet for while before finally said, “Be thankful to Allah, before He takes back all the good things that He has been giving you.”

It hit me right away.

How can I be so ungrateful to Him? (Source:Polygamy411.com)

This is how a muslim husband is allowed by religion to treat his wife, his children. And while his wife is crying, trying to help and comfort their children, the husband goes off to spend his time falling in love and fucking his new juicy wife, where no children yet can disturb his wonderful new sex life. To enjoy his god given right to fuck a new woman while destroying the life of his first wife and children. And muslim women are taught to submit. If she doesn’t, and her husband is angry with her, the angels will curse her.

The husband doesn’t feel guilty, the husband has done nothing wrong. Polygyny is his right, if his family is hurting it’s because they are selfish. And in islam, this is considered the right approach, the right thing.

But islam protects the rights of women. And Brutus is an honourable man.

Does the Behavior of one Spouse alter your Feelings for the Other? Q&A

imagesQuestion: Asking men about feelings is most of the time useless, and I have a question I have always wondered about polygamous men but I have never been able to ask. When a husband marries a second the wives will often behave different. Maybe they will compete, maybe they will manipulate and backtalk,  maybe they will try to be the perfect wife. If one wife tries to be perfect, cook the best food, be all sweet talk, be sexy, does he compare and feel less in love with the other wife? I f a wife is angry and jealous will it make him love the other wife more? Does one wife and her behavior change the way he feels about the other wife? I hoped maybe you would know and could tell.

Answer: Very good question!

Let’s see. My husband has tried backstabbing Graham a couple of times. Saying things like if he weren’t half a man he wouldn’t have opted for half a woman, that kind of thing. When he does, it only makes me feel less for him – it doesn’t alter the way I think about Graham. So I would say badmouthing is a bad idea. I have noticed also that trying to badmouth my husband’s #2 only makes him feel protective towards her, so I don’t do that any more. If I can help it. When my husband acts jealous, hurt, but without stabbing at Graham – I can’t help it but I find it endearing. You know, it makes me feel he really loves me. Graham is not at all jealous, and sometimes I find myself wishing he were, just a little bit…

They do sometimes compete. They know I compare – all polygamous people do. It’s unavoidable. That’s ok, I like it. When one of them gives me gifts, dresses up, does things for me around the house – yeah I love it. But it doesn’t make me feel less for the other spouse.

The only thing they can do that actually makes me alter my feelings for the other one is when they make life difficult. Nagging, anger, bad temper – that is bound to make me long for the other spouse and think of them as preferable… Really.

So to sum up, one spouse can only make the polygamous partner love the other spouse more – not less.

Hey – I never even thought of that before you made me stop and think.

Thank you!

How do I Become Polygamous? Q&A

Heart-beatQuestion: Salam

I have been reading your blog for some time. I understand your anger and pain and I can also understand the way you want to get back at what you believe hurt you.

I am a brother in islam. I have never seen the people who use religion to hurt others the way you describe it. To me, it’s simply about people trying to live life right, because of Allah and because of eachother.

I want to be polygamous. I want to try and do it right. I feel it is my test, I have been called to it and I’ve felt that since I was younger. I want to ask you now: How do I best do this to make things as easy as possible for my wife and children. You say you believe in polygamy and you have gone through this, so how do I do it in a good way. How do I become a good husband to my wife, while becoming polygamous?

I can say also that my wife has always said she believes polygamy is a good and permitted way to live. I have not mentioned to her yet that it might be our way. How do I do it? How do I bring about polygamy without being abusive as you see it? I have not found a second wife yet I could add. I am looking forward to a reply.

Answer: There is no way you can become polygamous without hurting your wife and your children. There is no way you can broach the subject without causing your wife and your marriage irreversible harm. That’s the first thing you must understand.

If you still want to do it – ask for it as a gift. Don’t claim it as your right!!

Be a humble supplicant to your wife, be ready to grant her anything she wishes for in return – even if it is her freedom. You may have to give up on both her and your children, because if she finds your question disgusting and criminal, she may run and take the kids and you must let her – it’s the price you pay! Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time… If she says no – let it go and don’t ever mention it again. You chose her in the first place – live with it.

You should mention that you will understand it and respect it if she chooses to give the time you give up to some other man. This is an alien view to you as a muslim, I know, but if you really want to treat your wife as a fellow human being you must grant her the same rights you claim for yourself. I’m sorry, there’s no avoiding it. If you can’t stomach this – let go of the polygamy idea. Don’t do to another what you would not have done to yourself.

If you do this, you and your wife can help the children together. And you must make sure you can live in a way that allows you and your wife to keep on being full time parents to your children. You can never let your children pay the price for your sexlife!! Polygamy must never be lived at the expense of your children. You must make your second wife aware that your children have a right to you – all the time, whenever. That’s the deal.

Two is Company…

ThreeringsWhen I came back to London, my husband was very reluctant to talk about what was going on with #2. He said they are sorting things out.

I asked if there’s anything I can do, he said no. Then he sort of snarled “You’ve done enough”. Now, what’s that about? Well, obviously he felt my walking in on him and Bimbo while having it off in cyberspace was somehow my fault. Duh?

I reminded him that it’s my house and that she has given up – in writing – all her time with him for the time being. He snapped at me that between sunset and dawn I must be with the husband whose night it is. Oh really? So he’s watching out for Graham’s interests now?

I told him that as long as I’m just stopping by to make sure everything is ok I am free to do that any time of day or night and as long as we don’t have intercourse I’m not obliged to make the time up. And even if we should have intercourse, I am still allowed to do that, I just have to make up for the time. So there!

And of course, he had to agree, I was right. He’s just acting a bit like a cornered dog, but this time it’s his #2 doing the growling, not I. So he’d better get snapping at her, not me!

Seven Things Your Muslim Husband Won’t Tell You

200px-Agal_(accessory)Most men raised in muslim cultures are fed a very stereotype image of men and women. They are taught that men and women are basically, drastically and biologically different and that these differences must be reflected in the roles of the sexes. Muslim men are fed a misogynist attitude towards women, masked as “women are pearls and must be hidden to save their value” (translates into force your women to wear hijab and stay at home so you can control them and dominate them always) “women are emotional not rational” (translates into you can disregard anything a woman says and say it’s because as a male you are more rational and given the right to make all decisions on her behalf) “women are the gateway to Jannah” (translates into you must beat her or possibly kill her if she tries to make decisions on her own since your virility lies in your domination over the women over your family) “women have a right to their own money” (translates into you have a right to force her to be a stay at home wife, deny her the right to earn money, and make sure you get twice as much as your sisters when your parents die) et.c.

But muslim men are also brought up with a stereotype image of men, of themselves. They are taught that a man must be a strong leader to his family, must be a breadwinner, mustn’t cry or show emotions, must rule over women et.c.

Since 99% of all differences between sexes are only based on educational differences, socialization and prejudices – these islamic falsifications turn life sour for men and women. And men and women are forced to go through life as liars. Women must lie to their men and pretend not to be sensual, not to have a roving eye, not to be more intelligent than their husbands and so on. And men are forced to lie to their wives. Especially those men who decide to become polygamous. Polygamy is all about lies and hiding the truth.

Here are seven things your muslim husband will never tell you:

1. Above all he wants you never to disagree with him. First of all because he knows that most of the time you are right – and to a muslim man this is devastating since he is taught that women are less intelligent and less rational and since all men lie about their own experiences he can’t take it that this seems to be true to everybody else while he obviously isn’t half as smart as you.

2. He is extremely afraid that you will find out that other men are smarter and sexier and funnier than him. That’s why he forces you to stay at home, hide behind a black one man tent when you go out and lower your gaze. It has nothing to do with protecting you – he’s protecting himself.

3. He wants to have sex more often, however he’s not able to. He knows you’re not satisfied and he knows that he only makes you come 2 times out of ten (he doesn’t know though that half of those are fake), and he really would like to be more of a Don Juan, but with getting a bit balder, heavier and all that – he just can’t do it anymore. A man peaks at 20 – a woman at 45.

4. He looks at porn on his computer. He wants the women of his own family to be hidden pearls, but he wants everybody else to be strippers. He believes it shows what a man he is.

5. He wants you to be happy, but he doesn’t want to have to put in an effort to make it happen. He loves it when you smile and agree with him. He doesn’t want to  have to put in the hours to make you happy. This is why he believes in the roles of the sexes. His role is to hang around with the brothers, lie in front of the tv, work on the computer (porn) and tell you to get up every night with the crying kids, because he has to sleep.

6. If you nudge him towards becoming a better husband, he can get another wife and make sure that every time you tell him to act up, help around the house, do something for the family – he can just go fuck this new, younger wife and tell you it’s time for you to practice your patience. His brothers in islam will applaud him for this and say it’s wonderful the way your husband sacrifices himself to care for womanhood.

7. He has been reading islamic websites that tell him that if he doesn’t abuse you or sleep around, he’s a good husband. So as long as he’s not beating you repeatedly daily, as long as he doesn’t hit you in the face and as long as he doesn’t starve you – he will think he’s being the perfect husband. He will however find plenty of fault in you, and let you know it, since it’s his duty to guide you and teach you how to behave. And – the power is a turn on. So every time he beats you (which of course is his right according to the quran), every time he makes you cry by leaving you to go fuck one of his other wives – it will give him the hard on he needs to be able to enact some of the fantasies he gets from internet porn, with his other wife.

Again: The Children in Polygamy

By: D S Pruitt

By: D S Pruitt

Time and again posts and e-mails I get make me return to the fate of children whose fathers become polygamous.

Most posts I get from people who have suffered polygamy as children have had mothers who were forced to live with a polygamous husband, a husband that more often than not didn’t even tell them about the second marriage until after the fact. I thought at first these children would be more inclined to write here since the pain they witnessed was the worst. But the more I read the more I realize that this is the most common kind of muslim polygyny. Most men do it behind their first wive’s back, or they tell them just before it happens so they shan’t have time to oppose the nikkah.

As I have found it pragmatically put in a couple of islamic web forums: “The permission of the first wife is not required. If the permission of the first wife was required no man would ever be allowed to marry a second wife since no sane woman would be willing to share her husband”.

But what about the children? Islamic rules are all about the rights of husbands, the rights of wives. What about the rights of children? There are rules on exactly how much time must be allocated to each wife, rules on what a husband must do for his wives, what a wife must do for her husband. But no explicit rules on the rights of children. Children in islam have no rights, only duties.

So, husbands become polygamous and set off to fuck and impregnate as many women as they can afford, leaving broken women behind with the burden of caring for their abandoned children. Children who will be without a father at least half the time, children who will have to watch the never ending suffering of their mothers, children who will hear from their fathers that their right to fuck other women, have children by other women , is more important than the life of their first wife, more important than their children. Small boys who will learn that a real man, a good muslim man, is a man who uses his god given right to betray his wife and children, to fuck and marry younger women, to abandon his children. Little girls who will learn that a woman must suffer and obey. And so the curse of muslim misogyny is conveyed to the next generation.

Science proves that children of abusers become abusers. Forced polygyny, islamic polygyny, is thus a curse on people.

The rest, from an islamic point of view anyway, is silence.

Does Your Husband regret Polygamy ?

5758f-moveQuestion:

Hi Fiona :)

I’m so happy to have found this blog, not that I have anything to do with polygamy, but I was looking into the subject just to gain insight and came across polygamy 411, it made my blood boil! And I’m Muslim lol, not because I don’t think polygamy is allowed, but the polygamy they talk about is ridiculous. I remember seeing your comments and your story was so interesting, then she blocked you. Obviously although I don’t think a woman should be polygamous, tbh in this day and age I don’t think a man should either, but how you dealt with things is a breath of fresh air, and you can tell karma definitely got your husband. Does he regret polygamy now?

I think it’s pretty clear he loves you more, being infatuated with #2 is different, she is new and young, that’s natural but I don’t think he loves her anywhere near as much as you. Do you think the reason he stays in his second marriage is cause you are polygamous too and he doesn’t want to seem less manly so to speak? I really don’t get why he became polygamous to start off with, but maybe you’re right, he became brainwashed into believing it would be something it is not, even for your own marriage, from the way he loves you I highly doubt he ever really wanted to hurt you. Do you think he loves her enough not to leave her and move on?

Sorry so many questions, just really intrigued!

Answer:

Hello!

One of the best things about questions, is that they force me to study my own life, and come up with answers that help me along. Thank you very much for contributing to that!

Does my husband regret polygamy now? I have asked him many times. He says that if he could do it over, he would never never ever choose polygamy again. But he says that as things are, he finds it difficult to regret finding a woman he actually loves (hm..) and finding new love in new ways with me. He says that he regrets having hurt me the way he did. He knows he can never really heal the wounds and scars he’s given me. And he regrets having hurt his children. This, I know, is the worst part for him, he can hardly talk about it. You know, our son has denounced him, lives his life as if his father were dead. This is heartbreaking to my husband who is finally starting to realize that this may never alter, he may never get his son back.

My husband has just had a huge discussion with his #2. She is making a lot of trouble, and is having problems with respecting our agreements. Much of it is based on her cultural background, she can’t get it into her head that I own our house, I own most of our money, that my Husband can’t order me about and that I am free to come and go as I please.

I think he stays with her because he it’s an honour thing. He feels responsible. But I think he loves her in a way too. I agree with you, he doesn’t love her the way he loves me. But she treats him like he were Caesar, she adores him and looks up to him. It appeals to him. And he obviously finds her attractive too. And Graham is part of it too. It’s a power thing. As long as he has #2, my husband feels he has something that’s all his not mine – it balances things. I can understand that.

I think she’s more likely to leave him, than v.v. And with her being reliant on him for her survival, that’s not gonna happen… 😦

So, it looks like we’re stuck in this cobweb..

Hope to hear from you again! Love, F

Islamic web forums – bullying, amoral and oppressive

sisterquote

There are loads of islamic websites offering “advice” to people who find themselves in difficult situations. Many of the people who turn to these forums to vent are uneducated, stressed out and vulnerable.

The advice they get is often manipulative and aggressive. “Do this or you’ll end up in hell”  or “This quote from the quran or a hadith proves that you must act thus”. There is little or no consideration for the individual, the only thing that seems to matter in these islamic forums is indoctrination and fanaticism.

Whether a piece of advice is moral or not, harmful or not, is of no importance. The only thing that matters is if I can find some islamic rule to support it. And of course, the interpretation is based on patriarchal tradition and hegemony. Men have rights – women must submit.

You can see an example above. A young christian woman has fallen in love with an arabic man who has a wife and small children. He’s in love with her too and they have obviously been sneaking around behind his wife’s back for five years. Is there general outrage over the zina committed here? Is there moral indignation over this man who is cheating on his wife, this woman who is having an affair with a married man? NO! This is a muslim forum – they are not concerned with what is right or what is revolting – they are only concerned with what is islamic. And this man wants to marry his mistress – so it’s OK!

As you can see, they are advised that marrying is good, the home wrecking woman doesn’t need to concern herself with the fact that the lives of the first wife and the children will be destroyed – he has a right to marry and he doesn’t need to ask or tell his wife!!!!!!!

Islam as practised by fanatics you see, has nothing to do with decency or morals or common humanity. It is only about rules. Wreck a family? YES – it is permissible! Fuck another woman while my wife is pregnant? YES – marry her behind your wife’s back and it’s permissible!

It is nauseating the way people manage to forget ordinary human decency, morals and mercy, when religion enters the game.

Any sane person with ordinary, basic human decency and morals, would tell this young woman to stay away from another woman’s husband, be loyal to the first wife and her children, and hope that in the future, other women will show her the same decency.

(Source: http://www.ummah.com)

18 Tips on How to Be a Successful Husband in Polygamy

polygamy_2

To have a successful polygamous marriage you must teach your husbands to behave and to respect you and each other. Women must learn to take command and make their husbands submit to the wisdom of polygamy.

Polygamy is a permitted marriage in Islam and there is no question about this. The rules also clearly state that you must love for others what you love for yourself. If you struggle with this fact, it is a problem with your own faith, not your wife’s action.

Do not feel guilty. If you feel guilty you are suggesting that there is something wrong – so be clear that this type of marriage can be and can flourish on condition that the wife is fair and honest with both of her husbands. (If your wife is badly behaved after the new marriage – that is a problem with her and not polygamy).
1- Remember that your actions reflect the personification of this sunnah and it is the priority of every Muslim to protect his faith. If you do not work towards making this sunnah succeed, you show  faith in a bad light.

2- The wife should declare her marriage without fear to enable each husband to get used to the reality of the situation. Covering up merely prevents the husbands from coming to terms with the reality of their new life.

Once the wife is married it is not right to have an ‘adjustment period’ for either husband. As soon as the wife is married, it is the right of her new husband to have his time. If the wife takes these rights away to give previous husbands time to adjust – this is not fair (since it is all about a matter of faith). In supporting this “adjustment” idea, the wife takes the rights of the other husband and they will both be answerable for this wrong-doing before Allah.

3- The greatest gift one husband can give to the other is not material; rather, it is simply to give him, his rights and live his life as a free man.
4- The wife is a free woman; she does not belong to one husband more than the other so the competition for time is pointless. Your wife does not necessarily love you more because she spends more time with you – it may be simply that you are more controlling and she is not strong enough to argue.

5- Remember while you take someone’s right now – can you take the punishment for that wife in the next life? If you are taking time that is not rightfully yours – on the Last day you will have to account for this. So do not think you have succeeded if you do this. If you want more than your right – ask yourself “Is this worth taking the Fire on the Last Day?”

6- Give your brother his time with his wife and try not to call or interrupt their time together but at the same time show some flexibility. If there are little habits that make their relationship special and there are things they have always done/ or are doing if they are newlyweds – don’t cut them off and you will feel by time how blessed your own relationship is.
7- The division of time is related to nights not days. In the day the wife is free to do as she wills in regard to her personal and professional jobs. But this does not mean it is acceptable for her to spend days with a specific husband and not the other simply because she goes there at night.

8- If you feel you are seeing your wife more than ‘expected,’ ask her how much time she is spending with the other husband and ensure she is being just. Love of another person is a test as with anything and when that love exceeds the rights of others – we fail.

9- Your allegiance is to your wife, not to each other. You should prioritize your own relationship with your wife. It should not be the case that if one husband is arguing with his wife the other should also argue. Of course if there is a problem that is shared with you then it is important to encourage a return to good relations not to encourage anger and a separation. It is clearly bad to cause separation between wife and husband in any way, shape or form.

10- Respect the other husband as your brother in faith, as a man in his own right. Understand that he has as much right to be happy as you do. If your aim is to win your wife’s respect, live justice, do not abuse it. As long as Allah is pleased with you, that is all that counts.

11- Agree to maintain some form of practical and personal boundaries. Consider the sunnah as the best example and be aware what you share in discussions and how you live practically. There is no sunnah in sharing the same room and this is bound to cause problems. There is no sunnah to discuss your private details with each other either.

12- Do not ask your wife what she does with her other husband and do not ask your brother what he does with his wife. Allow them to keep their marriage private. The faithful, we are told, does not ask “Where did you come from and where are you going.” Focus on your own relationship not on the other husband’s. There is no need to lie to stop hurting the other person’s feelings; unnecessary lying only leads to mistrust and a lack of respect. It is simply best to keep silent and remind the husbands that the other relationship is not their business.

13- Be flexible about time but not if you feel your right is being taken. It is Ok to take your rights, do not feel guilty. But remember sometimes as human beings, a husband may need his wife to support him if he is having a difficult time. Be generous and Allah will reward you, as will the other husband.

14- Do not replace the wife’s responsibility. The marriage was her choice and so it is her job to fulfill her social, financial and practical responsibility – not the job of the other husbands to stand in for her. It is injustice by the wife if she puts the responsibility of one husband on to the other.

15- Encourage your wife to deal fairly with the other husband and he will similarly encourage her to deal fairly with you. If he is unjust to you – do not be unjust to him. Using haram to combat haram simply means you are both in the wrong side.

16 – There is no obligation for you and your wife’s other husband to be best friends but it helps if you can at least meet occasionally since this is also from the faith. This can ease any difficulties each husband may experience as a result of the wife’s other relationship.

17- Do not listen to friends who have a problem with your type of marriage. They are simply reflecting their own insecurity. Avoid discussions about the other husband with such people because these discussions can cause problems for your relationship with the other husband and indeed your wife. A good friend will be helpful in keeping your marriage together and not encourage you against the rights of the other man.

18- Do not allow men to feel sorry for you if your wife re-marries. You are not a victim and it in no way means there was something wrong with the previous husband. This is just an excuse made by men who are unhappy with the fact that their wife has re-married.

The Polygynist’s Teapot

800px-RusselGhooriMany people who are in favour of polygyny are so simply because they claim polygyny is permitted.

“Polygyny is good since Allah has made it permissible”.

That women suffer in polygyny is not important since polygynists claim womanhood benefits from it. That children suffer in polygyny is not important since polygynists claim the ummah benefits from it. That men suffer in polygyny is not important since islam says polygyny is a privilege, granted to men. And anyway, it must be good since Allah has permitted it.

That polygyny is a disaster to individuals, society and our future is not important. Because Allah has made it permissible. Hence, we are not to question its wisdom.

Problem is, I don’t buy the “It’s good because my imaginary friend says so”-argument. If you want to discuss polygamy, you have to be ready to do so with intellectual and emotional honesty. I am ready to accept any argument based on facts, no arguments based on a teapot in the solar system.

Many orthodox people speak as though it were the business of sceptics to disprove received dogmas rather than of dogmatists to prove them. This is, of course, a mistake. If I were to suggest that between the Earth and Mars there is a china teapot revolving about the sun in an elliptical orbit, nobody would be able to disprove my assertion provided I were careful to add that the teapot is too small to be revealed even by our most powerful telescopes. But if I were to go on to say that, since my assertion cannot be disproved, it is intolerable presumption on the part of human reason to doubt it, I should rightly be thought to be talking nonsense. If, however, the existence of such a teapot were affirmed in ancient books, taught as the sacred truth every Sunday, and instilled into the minds of children at school, hesitation to believe in its existence would become a mark of eccentricity and entitle the doubter to the attentions of the psychiatrist in an enlightened age or of the Inquisitor in an earlier time (Source: Bertrand Russell)

Sorry. You have to come up with something better than a teapot.