“Co-Wife” will be Severely Punished

400px-Young_Saudi_Arabian_woman_in_AbhaWoke up an hour after we went to bed. My husband’s #2 was calling on Skype, and my husband had forgotten to turn his laptop off.

He asked me if he could answer. Off course, this is against the rules we have agreed on. Nu skyping, no texting, on another spouse’s day. His second “wife” has agreed too. So I said no. He was going to turn the laptop off then, but I told him not to. I told him we should find out how much respect my “co-wife” has for my marriage, for keeping a promise. It turned out she has none. She kept trying to call over and over again through the night. Finally we just had to put the laptop in another room, so she would still be able to call and it would be registered even though we didn’t have to hear it.

So I told my husband that his little whore has proven herself once  again to be a person completely without honour. I know that it is allowed to lie in islam, but he must tell her that as she has chosen to get involved with people in the civilized world, she must refrain from blatant lies. In the future my husband must hold her to her promises.

She must be taught to respect my marriage. I have made my husband promise he will punish her severely for breaking her word. He will however wait until I have gone back to Graham. At least my husband has understood that breaking the rules now is a no no.

12 thoughts on ““Co-Wife” will be Severely Punished

  1. Punished severely – what does that mean? Seems to me that that she has already been given a life sentence in prison!!! How much more punishment does she deserve? What kind of punishment did you give your husband for wanting to break the rules when he asked if he could answer her?

    I understand your point about respect though, and your feelings towards her. Still, I can’t help feel sorry for her. Does she have ANYONE in her corner to help her in this horrible situation?

  2. I can’t help feeling sad for her even though I understand your rage. Being young, misled and alone is powerfully overwhelming. What will your husband do? Will he hurt her? What is a punishment? I was always being punished when I was the sixth wife. Maybe I deserved some of it, but I don’t think punishing an immature adult is the answer. That just reinforces the childlike behavior. The kindest thing would be to divorce her, let her marry a child her age who will grow up with her, treat her with equality, let her fling herself against the universe, fight back with words, not physical force. Some of us are emotional. We have tempers. Having a father for a husband only thwarts our reality.

    Anyway, that is my take on it.

  3. Dear J, and Mary too: Yes, I am capable of pity, I do feel sorry for her. My husband has offered to divorce her, he has offered several times, he has also offered her the favourable divorce that is initiated by the husband, that would give her the right to maintenance. She has refused. Adamantly. So, my husband is trying to do right by her in a bad situation that was created by her. For me, it’s a question of survival. I can’t take any more of her interrupting my marriage, of her drama, of her plots against me and my marriage. We have agreed to certain rules. Unless they are abided by, my marriage will be dead. I’m not going to let that happen. When she agreed, in writing, to give up her days to me without asking for a divorce, I agreed to give up my vacations with my husband in return, so they can see each other every 3 months. She has violated that agreement. So, I am retracting my part. My husband and I have agreed to cancel his August visit due to her breech of contract! So now, because of her behaviour, she won’t see him until November. And if she does it again, November goes too. There. All good. My husband understands that this is directed at him too – it’s up to him to make sure this works! I know this is harsh. And I do agree, that punishments are for kids. But as long as she insists on acting as a child, I will treat her as one. 😦

  4. This looks like a really hard situation.
    I used to be a Muslim, now not anymore, and I do have some anger issues with Islam (including the right of men to polygamy) but to be honest I’ve never heard in my life it’s ok for a Muslim to lie. I know there is some story that under certain conditions it’s ok for a Muslim to lie about his/her religion, I presume in the face of danger, and I don’t even know if this is true.
    Anyway, just wondering, in case there’s something I missed. I’m glad to have found your blog. I like that you say it as it is, without playing the passive, long-suffering, “this is God’s will and I must accept it” role that so many others do.

  5. Hi, and welcome!

    Well, there are many problems with the truth and islam. One is that the hadiths (strong ones at that!) allow lies in certain cases: “A liar is not one who tries to bring reconciliation amongst people and speaks good (in order to avert dispute), or he conveys good. Ibn Shihab said he did not hear that exemption was granted in anything what the people speak as lie but in three cases: in battle, for bringing reconciliation amongst persons and the narration of the words of the husband to his wife” (Sahih Muslim 32). This means that muslims can claim to be allowed to lie, especially to their wives, and the scholars will agree. So muslim men are taught that lying to your wife is halal, and especially if the lie is to make her feel better or prevent her from being sad. Thus e.g. lying to your wife about having married a second wife is halal.
    If a woman tries to protect herself from being lied to by making her husband swear an oath, that too is useless in islam. Breaking an oath is not a problem in islam, on the contrary sometimes it is encouraged:
    “Allah will not call you to account for what is futile in your oaths, but He will call you to account for your deliberate oaths: for expiation, feed ten indigent persons, on a scale of the average for the food of your families; or clothe them; or give a slave his freedom. If that is beyond your means, fast for three days. That is the expiation for the oaths ye have sworn.”(Quran 5:89) In the hadiths it is clarified that “If you ever take an oath to do something and later on you find that something else is better, then you should expiate your oath and do what is better.” This is why it is useless to ask muslims to swear an oath to not planning on being polygynous, not taking their children abroad to give them away in marriage et.c. In the US muslims are asked to take an oath and sign a form about these things when they become citizens, but that is of absolutely no use since muslims can break any oath, no problem.

  6. I see. Thanks for the explanation. I read in another post that the hadith was considered hasan by shaykh albani. The more misogynistic a narration, the more trustworthy he deems them, in my opinion. He’s also the only one who deemed a weak hadith about women licking the puss of men’s wounds reliable.
    I haven’t looked into this, so it’s very possible that it’s considered hasan in general, but a lot of Muslim men (including scholars) also twist and turn hadiths into their own interpretations. In fact, I have an intense dislike for Muslim male scholars, especially the ones from Saudi Arabia, who wouldn’t be able to distinguish a cultural practice from actual islamic jurisprudence if it slapped them in the face. (I’m being disrespectful and I love it…haa..freedom) 😉 In my opinion, Islam is too warped up now by the many male interpretations over the centuries to find the original message, if there ever was one that was more women-friendly. It seems like “the islamic experience” depends a lot on the community and country you’re in.

  7. Aye, the interpretations are a major problem. And the absence of critical reading since the Quran is deemed infallible. Its says “…and beat them”, and as long as it’s not accepted by the muslim ummah that the quran CAN be wrong, that’s a problem..

  8. As a Muslim woman myself I do not agree with your way of dealing with this woman. If she is a problem let her go in peace and have him divorce her. A husband should spend equal amounts of time with each wife and be 100% fair between them. I believe this post is giving Islam a very negative view. After all she is your sister in Islam as well as your co-wife. Please don’t have hate for her or ever wish anything bad for her. The prophet (pbuh) said, “the best of men are those who are best to their wives.”

  9. Hello Julie, and welcome!

    First of all, I am not muslim and she is not my sister in anything. She is not my co-wife. She is my nothing. She had a nikkah performed with my husband. So they are not legally married. I spend equal amounts of time with each of my husbands, I know everything about equal sharing. My husband used to share his time equally between me and his other woman, but since she had to move that is not possible. He offered her talaq when her visa was revoked, she refused. She has given her right to equal time up, in writing, and only wants equal share of the money. He gives her half his earnings. So, she gets exactly what she wants. All I wish is that she keeps the hell out of my life.

    “The prophet (pbuh) said, “the best of men are those who are best to their wives.” – you know that is such BS. You can never be the best husband to more than one wife. Even the most islamic husbands who have come here have admitted that. You can only be the best husband, committed, present, loving, devoted, if you only have one wife. If you have more than one, you have inevitably caused your first wife irrevocable pain and harm. You can also not be present, devoted and prioritize any of your wives. You become a half measure. So if any kind of prophet ever said that, he was having you on.

  10. FIona:
    “You can never be the best husband to more than one wife.”

    Well, in Islam, a man accomplishes this by treating his wives like objects in a suitcase. And in Saudi Arabia, which is now influencing Islam all around the world, women are kept dependent, and are basically baggage. So their best option is to be happy that they each have an equally sized corner.

    And how do the women manage their happiness with their corner? By filling their brains with statements like the following:

    “she is your sister in Islam as well as your co-wife. Please don’t have hate for her or ever wish anything bad for her. The prophet (pbuh) said, “the best of men are those who are best to their wives.”

    Thank you Julie for being a mental librium dispenser. The dose you provided will help keep other women asleep.

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