Question: I have a very embarrassing question and I don’t have anybody to talk to. My husband took a second wife three months ago. I was very sad but I thought I could learn to cope. I am having good days and bad days but one thing is the same: I am disgusted by my husband and can’t allow him to touch me. Its not that I am angry, I always knew he could be polygamous. I am very sad, but some days it is better. But on no days can I stand the thought of being intimate with my husband. He washes carefully and he brush his teeth when I ask him as soon as he comes home from co. But it doesn’t matter. I still feel he is filthy and nasty and I can’t be with him. I cant decide this in my head. My husband is hurt and also angry and says I must change. So how can I change this? What can I do? I think I have forgiven him but it is not different.
Answer: I am so sorry. I understand your pain. My heart goes out to you. What you are feeling is quite normal. Don’t worry. It’s a healthy reaction. Being forced, or persuaded, to share a husband against your innermost wish, is abusive – a kind of rape. And the rape continues, every day as long as this coerced polygamy goes on. Sorry. That is the truth. That is why you are feeling defiled by your husband, that is why he seems filthy and dirty to you. He is a rapist. He is raping you physically, religiously, emotionally and mentally. Over and over again. So washing and brushing his teeth won’t change anything…
How did I get over being disgusted by my husband? Well, by becoming polygamous. Falling in love with Graham, having a fulfilling polygamous relationship myself, balanced the situation, gave me back my sense of self and made me feel clean again. After my husband became polygamous, I didn’t manage to be intimate with him again until I had entered and consummated my common law marriage with Graham. Is that an option? Otherwise, of course, one alternative is to leave your husband. You can’t stay with a man you find disgusting… Or you could offer your husband a choice between you and your co wife. This is only a possibility if you are able to let him go! Another option is to pray for the Stockholm syndrome to set in… 😦 Since this is not only degrading to yourself, but also giving license to every man out there to keep causing the same endless pain to other women – to me that is not an option.
So, my best advice is: Let him know he has to choose between you and polygamy – and be prepared to act on this ultimatum!
Best of luck!