I am Disgusted by my Polygamous Husband. What can I do? Q&A

Polygamists in prison

Polygamists in prison

Question: I have a very embarrassing question and I don’t have anybody to talk to. My husband took a second wife three months ago. I was very sad but I thought I could learn to cope. I am having good days and bad days but one thing is the same: I am disgusted by my husband and can’t allow him to touch me. Its not that I am angry, I always knew he could be polygamous. I am very sad, but some days it is better. But on no days can I stand the thought of being intimate with my husband. He washes carefully and he brush his teeth when I ask him as soon as he comes home from co. But it doesn’t matter. I still feel he is filthy and nasty and I can’t be with him. I cant decide this in my head. My husband is hurt and also angry and says I must change. So how can I change this? What can I do? I think I have forgiven him but it is not different.

Answer: I am so sorry. I understand your pain. My heart goes out to you. What you are feeling is quite normal. Don’t worry. It’s a healthy reaction. Being forced, or persuaded, to share a husband against your innermost wish, is abusive – a kind of rape. And the rape continues, every day as long as this coerced polygamy goes on. Sorry. That is the truth. That is why you are feeling defiled by your husband, that is why he seems filthy and dirty to you. He is a rapist. He is raping you physically, religiously, emotionally and mentally. Over and over again. So washing and brushing his teeth won’t change anything…

How did I get over being disgusted by my husband? Well, by becoming polygamous. Falling in love with Graham, having a fulfilling polygamous relationship myself, balanced the situation, gave me back my sense of self and made me feel clean again. After my husband became polygamous, I didn’t manage to be intimate with him again until I had entered and consummated my common law marriage with Graham. Is that an option? Otherwise, of course, one alternative is to leave your husband. You can’t stay with a man you find disgusting… Or you could offer your husband a choice between you and your co wife. This is only a possibility if you are able to let him go! Another option is to pray for the Stockholm syndrome to set in… 😦 Since this is not only degrading to yourself, but also giving license to every man out there to keep causing the same endless pain to other women – to me that is not an option.

So, my best advice is: Let him know he has to choose between you and polygamy – and be prepared to act on this ultimatum!


Best of luck!

5 thoughts on “I am Disgusted by my Polygamous Husband. What can I do? Q&A

  1. Hello and welcome! Yes, of course he knows. I told him about my marriage to Graham as soon as it was completed. I am not having an affair. I am living polyandry with two husbands.

  2. I believe that if you are disgusted by your husband you must ask for a divorce. A married woman has a right to sex and to be able to enjoy sex with her husband. I f he disgusts you, you are not getting your rights and a sharia court will grant you a divorce. I think that is best. Good wishes

  3. As salamu alaikum

    I am curious, did you talk about possible consequenses before his second mariage? I myself have felt great fear of just what you describe. The thought of him intimate with another woman makes me physically ill. It is sooooo disgusting. I have said to husband that I will vomit if he tries to touch me again afterwards and he says the feeling will stop mwhen I see that he is still exactly the same. Dont think so. So please sister, tell me how you solved this problem?

  4. There is another option, another way to work around this problem. You get competitive. “Anything she can do I can do better”. Granted, it’s a mindfuck, it’s degrading, but the situation these husbands put their wives into is inherently degrading anyway and at least from a religious standpoint we’re mindfucked into accepting it anyway, so may as well be in for a pound, right? 😦 aided and abetted by likewise wives in polygyny advising me to make the most of our time, go all out wear lingerie, perfume, makeup. Do the whole seduction scene. Get my freak on in all sorts of new and creative ways.

    I caught a bad case of Stockholm Syndrome during the onset of polygyny, at least until I woke up and got a grip on myself. But at the same time I got extremely competitive in many ways, including the bedroom. I was territorial as hell and determined to leave my “mark” on my husband, figuratively AND literally 😛 I took the advice I was given and went out of my way to wear his ass out, though my intent was also so he’d have nothing left when he went back to #2. Of course that didn’t work like I hoped but I kept trying. After awhile, when contempt for him re-rose to the surface and #2 was pulling her crazy out at me and the husband was making stupid excuses for her, the whole sex thing went out the window. I had to grit my teeth just to get through the act. He could hump her 24/7 for all I cared at that point.

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