What is the Husband Thinking When he Spends the First Night with a Second Wife? Q&A

The Jealous Cat

The Jealous Cat

Question: Hello Fiona. Thank you very much for this blog. It has helped me very much, especially the “Coping with polygamy” posts. My husband told me a while ago that he wants to marry a second wife. I have been feeling very hurt and upset. For us it is sunnah, but I still find it difficult to deal with this. Especially, I feel jealous about sharing intimacy with my husband with another woman. I could never be with another man, I could not imagine how it could be possible to go to another man while my husband knows it and is sad because of it. I have asked my husband this and he says that women feel and think differently. He says a man can be with one woman, and only think of her when he is with her, because a man can focus and keep things separate. So he says he will be able to be with a second wife without comparing or feeling guilty. He also says that intimacy is a different feeling for a man, it is not as emotional. I don’t know what to think. I can’t ask him more because he says I only make it difficult and must let go. I have read your husband’s story, and I was wondering since you seem to be able to ask him anything, could you ask him how he felt when he was first night with his second? Was he thinking of you? Was he feeling guilty? Was he comparing? And what do you think Fiona? You have two husbands.

Answer: Thank you for a very interesting question. I asked my husband, and here goes: He says that your husband is obviously brought up in the islamic belief that the nature of woman and the nature of man are dramatically different. Our experience though shows that this is simply not true, and modern science proves that. My husband says that he was thinking about me almost the entire time while he spent the first night with his #2. He was feeling guilty, a bit, but extremely excited by doing something so forbidden in a way that was – to him at least – halal. Like a Roman bath, hot and cold at the same time… After having only had sex with me for so many years, he was nervous and aroused by being with another woman – and comparing of course. He also was very self conscious he says, and felt he wanted to show his new “wife” that he was a good lover. He said it felt very strange, wanting to make a first impression on a woman in bed again… He says your husband may not be lying, but he is not telling you the truth. My husband also says that you should be aware that there is sexual dominance and power involved. My husband says that the first night was special, but the really exciting night, sexually, was the first night he made love to his #2, with me knowing about it. That to him was a power sensation of sexual arousal like nothing else, he says. Having bent me to his will, having me share him, made him very excited. He also wants you to know that he has heard many polygamous men say the same, but they would NEVER admit this to their wives – NEVER… Just so you know. So this is the truth. You will however never hear it from your husband.

I can vouch for it. My experience was very similar. Men and women are very much the same. Please read my post “Lies about Polygamy” to see scientific proof to this fact.

I hope this answers your question. Thanks for posting!

12 thoughts on “What is the Husband Thinking When he Spends the First Night with a Second Wife? Q&A

  1. It is wrong to tell our women this. It will make them feel bad about their husband’s marriages to second, and bring argument between husband and wife. This is why it is better for husband not to tell. Secrets between man and wife should never be disclosed. Sometimes not to know is better. Who feels better because you let the women know this?

  2. I don’t understand how men can go between two women. I can maybe understand being unfaithful in a moment of weekness, but having intimacy with two women as a routine, I don’t understand it. And the emotional investment makes polygamy worse I think than having a mistress. Also the knowing that the wife is hurting, picturing you in intimacy with another, no I don’t understand how you can do it. There must be something strange in the head with somebody who can enjoy intimacy with a woman and have the wife crying, imagining it at home and tell her that it is good.

  3. Polygamy is sunnah, and Muhammad pbt showed us how to live polygamy correctly. A man must be a just and kind leader and protector to his wives. The husband is to use his excellence over them to the family’s advantage. Husbands are allowed to have 4 wives to keep himself from sin, and to help the women who maybe would have been childless or unmarried without his help. This is sunnah. It is also good for the ummah. A good husband can be fair to 4 wives. The wives should never have to hear facts about intimacy like this.

  4. Telling the truth may hurt, but it is a sign of respect. Telling lies is immoral, disgusting and a sign of the utmost disrespect.

  5. Dear Zach,
    If husbands stopped fucking other women, their wives would no longer have to hear facts about it.

  6. Dear Zach,

    I am a Pakistani Muslim man living in the West, and today I’ll tell everyone my story. My dad was a wealthy businessman. He married my mother a year before I was born. Then his cousin who loved him and was obsessed with him since childhood and divorced her husband [who is said to have committed suicide when she left him since he had loved her so much] wanted to marry him. My paternal grandmother hated my mum and said thought this was the chance to hurt my mum. She encouraged my dad to remarry and he was of course happy to accept in a minute!!

    The next twenty years of our life have been as crap as hell. My dad lost his business, my stepmum laundered all our money and is still blaming others for her misfortune. My mum passed away without ever tasting the unrequited love of her husband and after living a tough life in polygamy. It was a financial strain, me and my sisters lost much of our childhood with our dad [he couldn’t be there with us in the most important time of our lives either] and he loved his kids from the other wife more and spent more on those kids than us. My dad says that he knows his friends with many wives all regret their choice to become polygamous now that in their old age. Moving from one house to another house regularly in tiring old age is the least of their problems.

    Please bring proof that polygamy saves men from adultery. Those who are dirty minded will commit adultery whether they have two, three, ten or a hundred wives. Only hose men who are truly in love with the woman they have married and put the uttermost in their relationship can save themselves. The Prophet told men to lower their gaze and that they should come back to their wife and make love to her if they are attracted to another woman. [Its in an authentic Hadeeth].

    And if polygamy was supposed to be such a good thing it would not have been restricted to four wives in a society where it was unlimited. [and men are COMMANDED to keep only one if the can’t be fair]. If it was such a great thing then Muhammad [SAW] would have practised it with the woman he loved the most, but even then despite a double the age gap and a society where polygamy was the norm, he still practised monogamy for most of his life and entered polygamy only when the first wife passed away. And what;s more, the Prophet ensured that all his son in laws stayed monogamous whilst married to his daughters.

    I don’t know how many husbands are ‘fair’ but many certainly are not.

  7. Dear Daagh, thank you for sharing your story. I am so glad you managed to turn your experience with a polygamous father into something positive: knowing how you want to treat your own wife and your own family, and helping others to understand too. What you are saying about growing old in polygamy is interesting. I’d love to hear stories about how people manage the last years together, and the dying, when living polygamy. I also agree with you that it is important to remember that you should wish for your wife what you would wish for your daughter – and for yourself. If only muslims, and other people, were to adhere to that vital rule: Don’t do unto others what you would not have done unto yourself – the world would be a different place, and I’m sure most men who want polygamy would refrain from it if they knew that by becoming polygamous they are granting their wives absolute right to become polygamous too…

  8. When Muhammad pbt grew old, he still managed to treat his wives fairly. Finally they knew that he wanted to die with Aishah so the other wives gave up their rights to let him stay with her and die there. Growing old is not a problem in polygamy. Don’t start creating problems where there are none.

  9. Zach,
    “Finally they knew that he wanted to die with Aishah so the other wives gave up their rights to let him stay with her and die there.”

    You’re right Zach. There is never a problem, as long as women are willing to give up their rights, Why can’t women realize that, and just do it. It would make life so much easier for men. Zach, you are such a genius.

  10. @ Amir: So the truth is unpleasant? I can imagine so. The internet sure does not make lies of unfaithful husbands any easier, does it!

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