Question: Hello Fiona. Thank you very much for this blog. It has helped me very much, especially the “Coping with polygamy” posts. My husband told me a while ago that he wants to marry a second wife. I have been feeling very hurt and upset. For us it is sunnah, but I still find it difficult to deal with this. Especially, I feel jealous about sharing intimacy with my husband with another woman. I could never be with another man, I could not imagine how it could be possible to go to another man while my husband knows it and is sad because of it. I have asked my husband this and he says that women feel and think differently. He says a man can be with one woman, and only think of her when he is with her, because a man can focus and keep things separate. So he says he will be able to be with a second wife without comparing or feeling guilty. He also says that intimacy is a different feeling for a man, it is not as emotional. I don’t know what to think. I can’t ask him more because he says I only make it difficult and must let go. I have read your husband’s story, and I was wondering since you seem to be able to ask him anything, could you ask him how he felt when he was first night with his second? Was he thinking of you? Was he feeling guilty? Was he comparing? And what do you think Fiona? You have two husbands.
Answer: Thank you for a very interesting question. I asked my husband, and here goes: He says that your husband is obviously brought up in the islamic belief that the nature of woman and the nature of man are dramatically different. Our experience though shows that this is simply not true, and modern science proves that. My husband says that he was thinking about me almost the entire time while he spent the first night with his #2. He was feeling guilty, a bit, but extremely excited by doing something so forbidden in a way that was – to him at least – halal. Like a Roman bath, hot and cold at the same time… After having only had sex with me for so many years, he was nervous and aroused by being with another woman – and comparing of course. He also was very self conscious he says, and felt he wanted to show his new “wife” that he was a good lover. He said it felt very strange, wanting to make a first impression on a woman in bed again… He says your husband may not be lying, but he is not telling you the truth. My husband also says that you should be aware that there is sexual dominance and power involved. My husband says that the first night was special, but the really exciting night, sexually, was the first night he made love to his #2, with me knowing about it. That to him was a power sensation of sexual arousal like nothing else, he says. Having bent me to his will, having me share him, made him very excited. He also wants you to know that he has heard many polygamous men say the same, but they would NEVER admit this to their wives – NEVER… Just so you know. So this is the truth. You will however never hear it from your husband.
I can vouch for it. My experience was very similar. Men and women are very much the same. Please read my post “Lies about Polygamy” to see scientific proof to this fact.
I hope this answers your question. Thanks for posting!