“Wouldn’t you want it to be like this always?” The Impossible Question from a Second Spouse

treringarWe were sitting down at the beach, we had just finished our dinner.

The setting was almost unbelievably romantic, the red flowers were lit up by coloured lights, an orchestra was playing by the pool bar, people were talking, laughing in the distance. And there I was with the man I love, my second husband.

We were talking, dreaming making plans…

And that’s when he said: “Wouldn’t you want it to be like this always?”

That question hurts. I know what he feels, I know that he sometimes feels trapped, that he wishes he had a full time wife, a full time normal life. I know he feels a lot of pain, he is just good at coping.

But – if I had wanted it to be like this all the time, I would have been with him full time. Thats the basic problem. I am choosing for it not to be like this all the time, and he knows it and it hurts.

This is why all spouses in polygamy suffer. They know their husband (or wife in my case) is choosing somebody else half the time. One can try not to think about it, one can try to believe that the spouse feels the same way about you as you do about him. But that is not the case.

I read over and over again that men are able to compartmentalize, to love two women equally if not the same. That men are different to women in this. This is not true. These are lies to appease women to submission. I love both my husbands. Equally? Well, not all the time… The same? Definitely not. Do I compartmentalize? Yes. One must in order to have two spouses. But I am the go between. I compare. I bring needs and emotions from one to the other. And they meet them differently. And the same goes for men.

I have talked about his with my first husband many times, and he and I think exactly the same, feel exactly the same, react exactly the same where polygamy is concerned. There is no fundamental difference between female and male nature, difference in degrees of aggressiveness e.g. yes, but we hurt the same way, love the same way!

I have gotten used to having two husbands, and I am now spoiled with having two men compete for my favor, love me, care for me, give me variety. I would not want to give up on what I have, what I fought for.

So the answer is, no – I wouldn’t want it to be like this always.

But I do have an idea. A fantastic idea. I just have to give it some careful thought…

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