Being the polygamous spouse is also tricky. You don’t want to end up in a situation where your spouses handle you and use you as a weapon against each other (yes – they will try!) and you may want to avoid hurting your spouses too much. (Not all care about that, muslim men especially is my experience, but hey – there are good people out there too!)
So here are
Some dos and don’ts for the polygamous spouse:
* Don’t lie. Don’t ever lie. Hurtful truths are never as hurtful as disgusting lies.
* You have given your new spouse rights over you, not over your first spouse.
* Don’t ever tell one spouse you are going to leave the other. Don’t ever hint at it. If you divorce – let the other spouse know after it happens. I know it’s a power-game that might increase your sense of dominance, and it might make them compete for your favour, but the cruelty of it is too much and you will cause hatred between the spouses that in the end will hurt you too.
* Don’t ever have sex with any of the spouses if you carry any kind of disease like a yeast infection!
* Keep your marriages separate. What you did, ate or talked about with one spouse is of no interest or concern to the other. And especially – never let on that you compare! (I know you do, but you never ever say anything about it!)
* Don’t give the same gift to both spouses, equal gifts, but not the same. I got a beautiful diamond and ruby necklace with two entangled hearts from my husband for Valentine’s for example, and felt loved and special, and it hurt like hell when I found the receipt when I was doing the laundry and found out he had bought exactly the same to his #2. I wore mine when I next met her, just for spite, and she went livid!
* You have taken away half of your time together – don’t take away the closeness, the secret-sharing and fun too! Make sure you remember to be romantic, to talk about dreams and feelings, to go off and do things without the children, as a couple. When one only has one’s spouse around half the time, one tends to stock up on childrens’ home work, visiting your mother in law, taking care of bills and doing work around the house. But that will leave you with no quality time! Don’t let that happen! You have to make sure you have time enough to do your part of taking care of the children, your part of chores and other jobs, but leave room for romance. If you can’t do that you can’t have another spouse! Basically it means that you need to be able to afford a maid and other people to do the work for you so your spouses and the children can have all of your time!
* Don’t talk about how your spouse must change, make sacrifices, submit or consider polygamy beneficial. You are the one getting all the perks, they are carrying the pain, paying the price for you getting what you want. Be grateful. Let them know you are grateful. Be humble about it. Never ever use disgusting, nasty words like halal, divine right, female nature, qawwam or the like. If you say “Love for your sister what you love for your self” “Sharing is caring” et.c. – you must live as you preach and share your spouse too!!! Don’t be a hypocrite!
* Don’t spend your time with one spouse skyping, texting or calling the other, unless there’s an emergency!
* If you like it when your spouses beautify themselves for you, make themselves sexy for you, compete for your attention – return the favour! Make them feel you are courting them, loving them and that you are anxious for their favour!
* Face it – your becoming polygamous means that you can get twice as much sex. That doesn’t mean that your spouses suddenly need half as much sex as before. If you can’t cope with double the amount sex, you should never be polygamous.
* Think: Is there anything you can do to make things easier on your spouses? Anything you can do or sacrifice to give something back to them as “part payment” for what you took?
* Don’t play tricks with the schedule!
Please, add things you think should be on this list that I have left out! 🙂