Dos and Don’ts in Polygamy – Part II

495px-The_DrunkBeing the polygamous spouse is also tricky. You don’t want to end up in a situation where your spouses handle you and use you as a weapon against each other (yes – they will try!) and you may want to avoid hurting your spouses too much. (Not all care about that, muslim men especially is my experience, but hey – there are good people out there too!)

So here are

Some dos and don’ts for the polygamous spouse:

* Don’t lie. Don’t ever lie. Hurtful truths are never as hurtful as disgusting lies.

* You have given your new spouse rights over you, not over your first spouse.

* Don’t ever tell one spouse you are going to leave the other. Don’t ever hint at it. If you divorce – let the other spouse know after it happens. I know it’s a power-game that might increase your sense of dominance, and it might make them compete for your favour, but the cruelty of it is too much and you will cause hatred between the spouses that in the end will hurt you too.

* Don’t ever have sex with any of the spouses if you carry any kind of disease like a yeast infection!

* Keep your marriages separate. What you did, ate or talked about with one spouse is of no interest or concern to the other. And especially – never let on that you compare! (I know you do, but you never ever say anything about it!)

* Don’t give the same gift to both spouses, equal gifts, but not the same. I got a beautiful diamond and ruby necklace with two entangled hearts from my husband for Valentine’s for example, and felt loved and special, and it hurt like hell when I found the receipt when I was doing the laundry and found out he had bought exactly the same to his #2. I wore mine when I next met her, just for spite, and she went livid!

* You have taken away half of your time together – don’t take away the closeness, the secret-sharing and fun too! Make sure you remember to be romantic, to talk about dreams and feelings, to go off and do things without the children, as a couple. When one only has one’s spouse around half the time, one tends to stock up on childrens’ home work, visiting your mother in law, taking care of bills and doing work around the house. But that will leave you with no quality time! Don’t let that happen! You have to make sure you have time enough to do your part of taking care of the children, your part of chores and other jobs, but leave room for romance. If you can’t do that you can’t have another spouse! Basically it means that you need to be able to afford a maid and other people to do the work for you so your spouses and the children can have all of your time!

* Don’t talk about how your spouse must change, make sacrifices, submit or consider polygamy beneficial. You are the one getting all the perks, they are carrying the pain, paying the price for you getting what you want. Be grateful. Let them know you are grateful. Be humble about it. Never ever use disgusting, nasty words like halal, divine right, female nature, qawwam or the like. If you say “Love for your sister what you love for your self” “Sharing is caring” et.c. – you must live as you preach and share your spouse too!!! Don’t be a hypocrite!

* Don’t spend your time with one spouse skyping, texting or calling the other, unless there’s an emergency!

* If you like it when your spouses beautify themselves for you, make themselves sexy for you, compete for your attention – return the favour! Make them feel you are courting them, loving them and that you are anxious for their favour!

* Face it – your becoming polygamous means that you can get twice as much sex. That doesn’t mean that your spouses suddenly need half as much sex as before. If you can’t cope with double the amount sex, you should never be polygamous.

* Think: Is there anything you can do to make things easier on your spouses? Anything you can do or sacrifice to give something back to them as “part payment” for what you took?

* Don’t play tricks with the schedule!

Please, add things you think should be on this list that I have left out! 🙂

10 thoughts on “Dos and Don’ts in Polygamy – Part II

  1. You should never laugh at your wife’s pain. When I am crying because sharing my husband is so painful he laughs and says I am cute when I am jealous and that kind of thing. It’s like a knife in my heart that he doesn’t understand the hurt and respects how much I hurt. You write “Be humble about it” Best advise ever!

  2. If my husband had said that, I believe I would have done a bobbit..! 😉

  3. Ahhhh dear sister, I am somewhat glad I have found your blog. Im only 19 and facing a polygamous marriage situation.. its been Hard to deal with. Really hard considering, I jumped into this fire. But I really like the points you bring up in this post and its predecessor. I have to agree that when I hear my husband flirting with his wife-to-be it makes me jealous beyond on all levels, but dont you feel a little bit selfish sometimes? If you love your husband then, can you love him enough that you can actually be happy with a polygamous arrangement? Or am I just being niave and cheating myself?

  4. Hello Falak, welcome! I am so glad you posted!

    I believe polygamy can be beautiful, and you can be happy in polygamy, if two vital conditions are met: 1. Polygamy must be based on mutual, full and voluntary consent. 2. Polygamy must be equal. Polygyny is horrendous, equal polygamy where all spouses have the same right to happiness, sharing and love is fantastic. Still difficult, but it can be wonderful. I feel selfish sometimes, of course I do. I am selfish sometimes! But I do share, and I share on equal terms, so I am letting my sister have what I love. You are obviously doing the same. You should be proud of your generosity, your great love, not ashamed that you sometimes can be petty and jealous about details. That is nothing compared with the giving your are doing! But – is your husband willing to share and give same as you? Otherwise – who is being selfish…. ? 😉 I believe we can never be happy in an unequal marriage, no matter if that marriage is polygamous or monogamous. Polygamy however makes the inequality so much worse. Not only are you unequal because your husband might think he is your head, you are also unequal because he has you competing for love, attention and favour, he can get love all the time you can only get it half the time, you will be alone if he leaves, he will have full time love anyway if you leave – et.c. I am sorry Falak, but yes, I do believe you are deceiving yourself if you believe you can be happy living thus. Especially if you are a revert who have an innate sense of human rights, equality, democracy and your own value and sense of self. I am wishing you all the best, and if there ever is anything you want to discuss or ask, please come back and I’ll try my best to give you honest and straight forward answers. ❤

  5. I am dealing with the beginning stages of a polygamous relationship. My husband and I are in the trial stage of bringing in another woman. Currently, we all live together in one house. My sister wife to be has not respected my marriage and continues to not respect it. I believe it is ok for my husband to court my sister wife to be, but I don’t agree with the two of them having sex before they are married. My sister wife to be is practically begging my husband for sex, and I do not like it. I find myself questioning if she even wants to be his wife or if she just wants to have sex with him. She seems more interested in being sexually intimate with my husband than she does with building a relationship and working toward marriage with my husband. I feel like I cannot associate myself with her in an polygamous relationship if she continues to disrespect my marriage by asking for sex before marriage. I feel like sex is sacred and should be shared between two people who are married. Am I wrong for feeling like this? Should my husband and my sister wife wait till marriage before they have sex or am I being selfish?

  6. Dear Michelle,

    That must be a tricky situation! Her not respecting you and your marriage is NOT a good start. Living in the same house – I couldn’t do it. Being neighbours is difficult enough! You haven’t said – are you muslims? Because id you are you have a right to separate accommodation. But maybe you don’t want that?
    Would you tell us, what is your reason for wanting to bring in an additional wife? I think you have to keep in mind what your intentions are when you decide if this woman is the right one for your husband. Will she help you achieve what you are looking for?
    If sex is all she wants, I think the “sister” thing will never happen. Sorry. I agree with you, I think sex belongs in marriage. If she doesn’t share that view, you might find yourself clashing on a lot of other issues too. What does your husband think? And how does he respond to her advances?

  7. I do not want her in my marriage. I am only dealing with her because she is the mother of my husbands children from their previous relationship. I don’t think she will help me or him achieve anything. In fact, she is very childish and although biologically she is older than both me and my husband, mentally she is much younger. I only believe my husband wants to bring in an additional wife cuz he feels some sense of obligation to protect her and take care of her; as though she were a mentally ill person. He has made it clear that I am his favorite but I know he loves her to an extent. My husband says he doesn’t respond, but she says it is mutual. I spoke to her about if she just wanted to have sex or wanted to be a sister wife and she got defensive and shut down. I’m not Muslim, but I want my own living space but we can’t afford two separate houses right now.

  8. I see.
    I’ve got to ask – why would you allow him to marry her? He can pay maintenance and care for the children – and her if necessary, without them being married. If you can tell that she will bring nothing but discord, I don’t understand why you would stand for him to marry her! And if they marry, they might have more children, how will you react to that? And can you afford it?

    Does she work? Can she support herself? How come he wants to marry her again, if they were divorced?

    Why not help her out financially until she can find and marry somebody else. You can even let her stay with you if that is a must be, but not have her marry you husband!

  9. Michelle
    There’s one post under “Do you feel guilty for hurting your spouse-2” in which Husband describes he only married #2 for children and never thought that he would love somebody else but once he got intimate with his #2 he finds that he loves her the same way and can’t live without her.
    There’s one more post under Q/A in which a husband describes 1st wife is his favorite and can do anything for her except leaving 2nd family but now when circumstances forced him to choose one, he divorced First without even thinking about her love, devotion for him etc. and even children.

    I think by these You can have a glance about what you are leading yourself and your relationship into and Even if You won’t loose your Husband you will certainly loose your partner, companion, Friend and love ,closeness and trust regarding this marriage!!

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