How can you live your life knowing your husband is also married to another woman?
How do you deal with the jealousy, the loneliness, the intrusion of another person into your life?
How do you cope with everyday life in polygamy?
And, from a different perspective:
How do you manage to comparmentalize your two marriages?
How do you remember who you wake up next to in the morning?
How do you manage the ups and downs, when you love one more than the other?
How do you keep up two sex lives?
And so on.
I can understand why people are curious… So here’s a list of some dos and don’ts in polygamy!
To the person whose spouse has become polygamous:
* Try to hide the worst of your hurt. A person who chooses to become polygamous against his wife’s wishes is bound to feed on pain – every sign of pain, hurt or jealousy will nurture your polygamist husband’s feeling of power and sexual dominance. Make sure you don’t give him more satisfaction in polygamy than you want.
* Brace yourself and snoop. Yeah, you will find out things that will hurt very much. But nothing is as bad as the things we imagine. So read the love notes, look at the lovey dovey pictures, save copies of the pornographic ones – every scrap of information gives you an advantage. Remember that the same goes for your co, so never ever allow him to take sexy pictures of you, never ever text things you wouldn’t want her to read. This piece of advice is extremely useful to those of you who are living in the west, because your husbands can’t allow it to be known that they are bigamists so this will enable you to get very good terms when you divorce, and in islamic countries this kind of thing is extremely useful too since porn pictures of your co will probably make your hubby grant you a divorce and very good terms to go with it… 😉
* Don’t ask for details about their sex life. They’re bound to have one. If he says they aren’t, he’s lying. And if you make him tell details, you will open a door that allows him to tell details to his other wife too. Don’t go there.
* Don’t compete. This is a real sucker, but try not to compete. If you do, you will prove to him that polygamy was the right choice because having two women competing over him with ass-kissing, sex-invitations et.c. was exactly what he wanted.
* Get a life. The only thing that will make you feel better is to love him less. Focus on other things, join clubs or a book circle, study, go to the gym, hang out with your friends, start a business what ever makes you feel good and fills your time. Don’t get stuck in the hairdresser/manicure trap – he will only think you’re doing it for him, not for yourself so he will be happy that you’re competing for his attention, even if that is not what you’re doing. Make sure your schedule fits you – not his rotating polygamy schedule!
* Remember: He chose to start a new life again without you. A life you can never be part of where he loves somebody else, lives with somebody else. He chose to take half your marriage away, to be able to spend half his time away from you, loving somebody else, fucking somebody else, having babies with somebody else, thinking about somebody else. This is what he chose. If you’re muslim you will be fed all sorts of crap about this meaning he actually loves you more. Ha ha – are you kidding me? 🙂 He might love his power over you, the pain and hurt thats shows he has power over you, the competing for his attention, but he has chosen to take half his time from you and give it to somebody else. While you are crying yourself to sleep he is off fucking somebody else, somebody who might be younger than you, prettier than you, less demanding than you, better at giving head than you.. If he had wanted to dole out charity, he could have done that without getting laid. Don’t decieve yourself. He didn’t become polygamous because he loves you! Let him know that you are well aware of this, so he can’t come bs:ing you about being such a great muslim.
* Make sure he understands polygyny is a question of sharing time between wives, it doesn’t mean he can forget about being a father half the time. Make sure he spends as much time with the children as you do, there’s nothing in the quran that says he has a right to dump the kids on you when he’s with the other wife. Share equally! Say you’ll take the children every other time he goes to #2, every other time he has to take them along!
* Get yourself a huge stash of miconazole since vaginal thrush is a curse in polygyny! Not in polyandry though, since women are more often the source than men. So your husband will come with it as a gift from your co-wife, and once you’re rid of it she will have gotten it again from him (or you) and then it will bounce between you forever. And of course – demand that your husband and his second wife are tested for STD:s regularly, and that they show you the results of the tests!
* Make it perfectly clear that his other wife is not your wife too! If you don’t want him to mention her, or show up angry because he’s had a fight with her, tell him so and let him know that she will not be a part of your life in any way.
* Take care of your finances! Never give him anything, because when you divorce the house, the car and the rest will probably belong to him and you’ll end up with nothing if you live in an islamic country. You are not obliged to help with a penny towards your keep – don’t do it! Stash everything you earn, and make sure you get every penny he owes you. If you buy anything, make sure it’s in your name. Make sure you have a pre nup!
* Demand your right to sex. Just because he has two wives, your sex drive isn’t suddenly half of what it was, and if he can’t handle that it’s his problem – not yours.
* Force him to understand what it’s like to be on the receiving end of polygamy. If you ask him what he would feel like if you fucked another man every other night, had children with another man, and he just answers “What I do is halal” – divorce his ass! He needs to really examine himself and picture himself on the receiving end to really understand your pain and sacrifice, and appreciate it. He must!
I’ll be back tomorrow with dos and don’ts for the polygamous spouse!
Please, feel free to post and add dos and don’ts that you feel should be on the list! 🙂