My Husband’s Second Wife is a Silly Cow

NiqabpureI feel like I’ve been in the tumble dryer… :p

So, we met up for lunch, my husband’s #2 and I. I was curious and a bit apprehensive. We have never had any contact, and we have never before met alone, without my husband. 

We met at a Persian restaurant and yes, the food was lovely.. 🙂

First she said she wanted to apologize for last time, when she came to my house only to scream about being unjustly treated because she hasn’t been given part of my inheritence… 😦 I said fine, let’s forgive and forget, I apologized for the nasty things I said to her on that occasion too.. All good.

Then she started talking a bit about how sad she is to be parted from my husband, how afraid she is of what might be awaiting her in Oman. And then she said what she really came to say..

She wanted me to promise not to use the situation, her being forced to move to Oman, to make my husband leave her, divorce her. She wanted me to promise not to take her husband from her.

Ok, I can understand where she’s coming from, I can understand her fear. But:

*She has no right to ask me anything if the kind. She took half my husband from me, even though she knew I hadn’t been asked, or told. I owe her nothing.

*I am not my husband’s keeper. He does what he wants.

*I have nothing to gain from giving her such a promise. She has nothing to offer me in return. She has given me nothing but pain.

HOW DARE SHE!!! 😦

So I told her that I had offered to give my husband extra days with her now, before she leaves but he said no. That made her very upset! Then I told her that I had been thinking about leting her have all his vacations, since I will be getting all the other time, but that her manipulative way of trying to guilt me into a promise today has made me change my mind. I won’t give up a single day of my time, no matter how much time she must give up. 

I was so angry when I left her. The nerve! But soon she will be gone… 😀

 

 

99 thoughts on “My Husband’s Second Wife is a Silly Cow

  1. I am so sorry your post disappeared – I hate it when my computer does that! 😦

    Anyway, we can keep talking reason, we can say your husband is being unjust, we can talk about the way her life will be as a second wife one month a year in Pakistan, we can talk about what life will be for the daughters your husband will have by her – daughters who will have to live in Pakistan to become slaves to Pakistani husbands in the future – but it really doesn’t matter. Your husband will decide whatever he decides.

    But I can tell you this:

    No marriage stays the same after the husbands takes another wife.
    He will have sex with her, make love to her. It creates a bond. He will feel protective, infatuated maybe – in love. When he is with you he will feel guilty. He may even come to resent you for making him feel guilty. He will miss her. He will call you by her name. He will be getting texts from her, hide them from you, sneaking out to answer. When you’re making love, suddenly you will have images of him with her flashing through your mind, turning your stomach inside out. He will be carrying vaginal thrushes between you, traces of you to her and v.v. When she is having his baby, he will want to be there. He will guilt you into letting him go. Or resent you for not making him be there. Every day, you will look in his face, n his eyes, search for signs he’s thinking about her. And often, you will find them. His family will text him, call him, over and over, and talk about her, tell him how she misses him, tell him how she is sad, crying for him. He will resent you for this too. And every time this happens, you will become vulnerable, and again, flashes if him making love to her will come back to haunt you. They always do.

    So, whatever he decides to do, you have decisions to make too.

    I do hope your husband will understand what’s at stake here. Does he understand for example, that if he goes through with this, you will never ever again be able to make love to him without having images of him with her in your head? Does he want that for you? Can he live with it?

  2. My husband just texted me this : ” I have allready thought about everything you said and how our life will be and im thinking to say Yes because it wont be that hard/bad” I wrote back ” Maybe it wont for YOU but how can you so easy think about marry her, tounch her, love her, having sex with her. It is you and me who have been together for 3 years, and now you dont see it as a big thing to have sex with an another woman? Cant you see how I would feel”..

    As I wrote, my husband will have a big big really chock. And i find it REALLY hard to see its gonna be a no…. 😦

  3. Well.. Because I wasnt a virgin when im married my husband and we have been argue about this for 2 years almost so is it a VERY big deal for me cuz she is everything im not. So thats hurts very much..

  4. Yes. I have a wali, my husband best friends father cuz my father aint a muslim. But I cant ask him, haha.. I havent talk to him for 3 years, seens we got married..

  5. My sister in islam

    I am going to be very honest with you. I know Pakistani men.

    Your husband has already decided to marry his cousin.
    There are many benefits for him. 1. He will be applauded by his family and will gain respect. 2. He will be obedient to his mother which in Pakistani culture is a must and is rewarded by Allah. 3. He will get higher status in the Pakistani community 4. He will have imams to tell him that he will be rewarded for following sunnah, for caring for a poor woman, for taking care and providing more children for the ummah 5. He will experience excitement of infatuation 6. He will have more children 7. He will be allowed to have sex with to women and it is exciting especially when she is a virgin 8. He will have an upper hand on you because you will be jealous, you will compete, he can hint at her when he wants to punish you
    A lot of benefits to him! And it will only cost him a little money and that you will be hurt and angry but he believes he can handle that and you will soon be alright. He will by you some flowers and tell you he loves you more, and he thinks it will be fine. Why would he say no to this?
    But you have choices too.
    1. You can let him go ahead marry her but grudgingly, fighting and spitting and make all your lives miserable because this will hurt sister. Every day always will hurt.
    2. You can let him marry her and try to find peace. this can only happen if you love him less and love Allah more. You must kill the love you now have for your husband and instead replace it with disinterested love. No passion, no intimate love. Replace your husband in your heart with love for religion and duaas
    3. You can stop his marriage to her. Sit down, talk calmly from the start everything and make your husband understand that all the benefits above will come at a price none of you will be willing to pay! Say you look through him and so does Allah. He has no right to this marriage. It is haram because it is unjust. It is haram because you are harmed. It is haram because is it against the law of the land.
    4. You can let him marry his cousin and when he leaves for his nikkah tell him you will be gone when he comes back. Polygamy may be permissable, but it is not obligatory for the wife. You have a right to divorce. If I were you I would consider this option very carefully. A polygamy that is off to such a bad start will only get worse. This will be worse and worse for you and your children will be damaged by your pain and the situation. I am a social worker and I can tell you that all proof says children will know more about pain of polgamy and suffering of their mum than the parents believe and they are damaged from it. You can not let that happen. You live in Scandinavia. If you show the texts from your husband to a lawyer you will get a divorce with onnly you have custody of your children, not your husband. I know this is a very hurtful decision, but it is the only way to protect you and your children from lifelong pain if your husband does not come to his senses.

    It is ramadan. Ramadan kareem sister. Ask your husband to pray about this silently while holding your hands between his and looking in your eyes. Tell him to put a hand on your stomach when afterwards he tells you his decision. Tell him he must say “In my prayer I found that the best thing for you, our child and our unborn baby is (and his decision)”. Say that is the way he must do it. I hope it will make him understand Inshallah.

  6. WHAT EVER i say he answer ” it will not be so bad, it will go over. You over thinking everything”. He has already given me an answer, he gave me 10 minutes ago. It will be a yes, so today im sleepin on the mattress…….. Im not going to speak with him today, at all…

  7. Al-Hamdu lillah! My dear sister in islam,

    I knew.

    But with respect you must not react so. This is what he expects. He will expect you be angry and hurt a couple days. He will expect live in guestroom or on mattress. This will make him feel safe because this is what women are supposed to do and in a couple of days he is planning on giving you present and sweet talk and say it is a long time and things will be good it will be no change.
    And all with be same for you. And after that will never be a good day again for you or children.

    Is this what you want sister?

    If I were you I would take the children when he is at work and leave for a hotel or a hostel. Tonight, don’t say anything, act normal, talk only of other things. Then leave. Don’t leave him a note. Spend five days alone with the children, pray and think. Turn your phone off and do not let him know anything about you.

    After five days or a week you go back. Tell him this panic is what he will be making you feel for the rest of your life. Tell him you have a right to divorce and if he goes to marry his cousin this is what he will feel like when you leave forever.

    This sounds drastic but you must be drastic to reach him. In his mind he is already making love to virgin girl, excited about maybe falling in love, having mother say what a good man he is, and being cheered by the community as a good man and you have accepted it all.

  8. This is what was bound to happen. As Carmela says, it’s all profits to him. He’s probably already falling in love with the feeling of polygamy – excitement, love, sex, status…

    It’s all about him now, so nothing you can say will change his mind. Actually, I think Carmela is offering good advice. Leave him. And tell him next time it’s for good.

    In Sweden, with two small children, you will be provided for. You have nothing to fear. You have nothing left to lose now.

    I wonder if he realizes that?

    Did you read this? https://polygamy911.wordpress.com/2013/07/15/where-would-you-be-now-if-you-hadnt-become-polygamous-qa/ It’s time now to decide on whether to be a crackwhore or not…

    I am thinking about you! ❤

  9. Salam sister in islam

    Do not threaten divorce if your are not ready to divorce him.
    But I wanted to say from my heart this is the worst thing. I have done this with a pakistani man and I wish somebody had said to me Divorce him. I should have taken my children and run. I will not tell you the long story of pain and lies and humiliation but I will tell you Divorce him take the children and run.

  10. How can you all say “Devorce him” when I have a son who is 4 years, and then we have a son who is 2½ and one on its way in about 10 weeks. Are this children diserves living without their dad? Hmm. Im really hoping he will change, i havent spook to him since i picked him up from work. He came out from his job all happy and talked like nothing had happend… Im so sad, i have clean my hole apartment cuz i just wanna forget this… Im – so – hurt! HOW can he accualy think that nothing in our marrige will change?

  11. Dear Ysii,

    Your husband has decided to marry another woman today. He has caused you the greatest pain a man can cause a woman today, and he comes home happy. He has decided to marry her after you begged him not to. He has decided to marry her whilst having a 4 year old child with you and a 2 year old child with you. He has decided to marry her, love her, provide for her, make love to her, fuck her for the rest of his life, have children with her whilst you carry his baby and are having his baby in 10 weeks time. This is why we are all saying divorce him.

  12. Dear SIster:
    I know you are hurt. Devastated. But I don’t believe it is wise to deprive 3 children, 1 as yet unborn of their father, and you I assume, of your livelihood.

    But did you actually say “I’m really hoping he will change.”? Sister, you need to grow up, and now is the time.

    My thoughts and kind wishes.

  13. Salam,sister in Islam

    I will not tell you to divorce him ,or stay with him because you must make that decision. I will pray for you ,but please relaxe you must remember that you are pregnant,therefor must ensure the safety of your child and children InshaaAllah.

    Salam

  14. We are all saying the same thing.
    It is better for a child for the parents to divorce and be peaceful, rather than live together in hatred.
    You live in a Nordic society, you will be cared for- you wont go hungry.

  15. Your sister in Islam,

    I strongly urge you to read the comments from the children who were raised in polygamy. If your husband goes ahead with this marriage and does by some miracle (which I doubt he will) abide by the time schedule he has outlined to you, your children may not experience these feelings, but the children born to the 2nd most definitely will. But more likely, both your children and her children will experience these feelings. Is that what you want for the children?

    Unfortunately, I am sorry to say, the die may be cast for your marriage, even should you get hubby to change his stance and agree to say No to the marriage, I think you will pretty much face one of two things:
    1. He will tell you he will say NO, then go ahead with the marriage behind your back anyways.
    2. He will actually say no and not go through this particular marriage, but he has already accepted polygamy for himself in his head, and once in there, I suspect it will stay, so he will then enter polygamy with someone else down the road.

    Either scenario, don’t kid yourself – the time schedule he is suggesting now will not stay that way for long. It never does!!!

    So you need to base your decisions concerning your future on what is best for you and your children now AND in the future. I feel for you for there is no easy or good choice for you at all. Your husband has taken all your good choices off the table by entertaining the ideal of polygamy. Now you are stuck with sucky choices – decide which is the least sucky one in the long run!!!

  16. You have right, I havent spoke to him since he got out of work yesterday. couldnt sleep.
    He changes his mind several times ” I WONT MARRY HER, OK. HAPPY” and next time ” What you feel is normal, it will pass with time. I have already said yes”… My head is up side down..

  17. It will not pass with time but one day it will be to late and you will look back and see you wasted your life in pain and gave scars to your children Astaghfirullah

  18. I hear you! and thanks for the respons. Definitaly I will think about whats best for all of us.

  19. I cant devorce my husband based on the second marriage, thats no allowed in islam.
    Allah gave woman jelousy and the man got Jihad. Its allowed for a man to take 4 wifes, and I cannot get a devorce because of it…

  20. This is a cultural perception, not islam. In islam a wife has a right to divorce if she is disgusted by her husband, if the husband is treating her unjustly (for example promising her something and then going back on his words), or if she is simply unhappy in her marriage. This is from an islamic scholar, and as you can see the answer is based on the quran: “Dear and beloved sister in Islam, as much as the guidance of Islam strives to maintain the sacred institution of marriage, if for any reason one is unhappy in one’s marriage, or one’s rights in marriage are being unfulfilled or usurped….both the husband and/or the wife in Islam are well within their rights in Islam to initiate a divorce proceedings in their marriage. Thus it is neither true nor accurate that a woman in Islam does not have a right to divorce her husband.
    Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 2 Surah Baqarah verse 229:
    229 A divorce is only permissible twice: after that the parties should either hold together on equitable terms or separate with kindness. It is not lawful for you (men) to take back any of your gifts (from your wives) except when both parties fear that they would be unable to keep the limits ordained by Allah. If ye do indeed fear that they would be unable to keep the limits ordained by Allah there is no blame on either of them if she give something for her freedom. These are the limits ordained by Allah; so do not transgress them. If any do transgress the limits ordained by Allah such persons wrong (themselves as well as others).
    The only difference between a divorce initiated by a husband and a wife in Islam is that if the husband intends to divorce his wife, he has to announce his declaration of divorce, whereas the wife who seeks divorce either asks her husband to declare a divorce upon her, or if he refuses her request, she would have to initiate a divorce proceedings against her husband in a Shariah Court. But without an iota of a doubt, both parties in the marriage have a right to initiate a divorce proceeding, if they indeed wish to do so.”.

  21. Dear sister in islam

    what will you do when another cousin needs husband? or when mother in law says second wife is so sad he must spend more time in Paki? or when husband say he will be more time in Paki when second has children? and your children will be without father? or when mother in law say he must divorce you so second wife can come to your country? he will offer you nikkah so she can have a license and come to your country? what will you do then?

  22. I say also, dear sister in islam,
    when husband has children with second he will not want them to live in Pakistan. he will want them to have good life in your country. he can not take from second bust must take second to your country. that is when he ask you to have new nikkah and divorce so he can give license to second. no man will have children live in Pakistan if they can have them with them and live in better country.

  23. There are many man in this family who has their wifes and children in Pakistan, because they have a better social life there. In sweden we are minding our own bussiness, it doesnt work that way in pakistan. He cant spend more than 4 weeks in Pakistan / year because he works 5 days a week. and its very expensive to go to pakistan, previde for 2 wifes and 3 children. So he hasnt a choice. But yes, he maybe will take her here but right know i find it very hard to believe.

    I dont know my future right know, because he is ALWAYS going back and forth. “im going to marry her” -“okej, for your sake im going to say no”.
    Me and my husband arent married legal in Sweden, only Islamic.

  24. No matter what you deserve a firm reply. Not knowing is the worse torture of all.
    You must let your husband know that no matter what, you must get a reply as to what he will do. No flip flop yes-no talk. Maybe he is making this so difficult because he is hoping you will be worn down by the pain in not knowing so you will give up and say go ahead rather than not know?

    In honesty sister, your husband has already proven he can not be trusted. You know that dont you? So from now on you must take care of yourself and your children. Ask him to give a firm yes or no reply in writing and swearing on it. Then you know and can take it from there.

    Have you seen his family in Pakistan. Have you lived there? I lived many years there and know. If he marries her and have children it will not be 1 month a year in Pakistan. Maybe more there or he takes her to sweden. I f you are not married legally he will have no problem taking her to sweden. And if he says now he will not to that I say – can you trust him?

    I am making duaa for you sister.

  25. My sister in islam

    Innaa lillaahi wa innaa ilayhi raaji’oon
    I am now to tell you that your husband will marry the cousin inshallah
    He must obey his mother and will only profit from such a marriage. I f he tells you he will not marry her he is lying or if he not marries her he will hate you for it and stopping him Rahimahullah.
    With the stipulations you say he will never be just to his second wife or her children but will give them many sorrows Ittaqillah. This is often i Pakistan culture, but it IS NOT ISLAM.
    To do good for your wife or do good for your family and mother is terrible choice for pakistani man. But he must remember to do good by Allah. Not making decision is not good by Allah, lying is not good by Allah and entering marriage where he can not be just and spend time equally is not good by Allah and is haram.

    Tawkkalna-’ala-Allah

  26. If I remember , khadidja (prophet muhammed saw) wife gave her time to Aisha? So, my husband have said that if his cousin DO NOT accept the terms of the marriage then he will not get married. I totally agree, he changes his mind today again ONLY because he saw me so sad yesterday. Didnt talk to him at all, could sleep at night. So he said “I wanna say yes, but for you sake i will say no.” Bla bla… I cant trust him to say no. Im just hoping he will give me AN answer and stick by it….

  27. Salam.SIS

    I want to scream right now. I am a muslim ,who was born and raised as a muslim ,and it saddens me that you are going through this at your condition(pregnancy).You must remember that first Islamdoes not allow anything that could harm the women,emotionally,relgiously or physically.With that being said,i do not undertand why you can not demand your Islamic rights,at least he should be kind enough to let you have a healthy pregnancy,becuase this is stress is very unsafe for you and your unborn child,and am concerned as a father he does not place that in priority.I am married for 7 years ,and got married at 21,to me this makes non sense because you are given a voice in Islam to refute and things that will bring you harm,sometimes sister you have to place herself first.I am not against polygamy,but I will not practice it.I find that the women are very unsure of their rights,so I would suggest go speak to an imam,there should be no stress for you at all at this point.

    Salam

  28. Khadidja was Muhammad’s only wife for as long as she lived. Not until after she died did Muhammad become polygamous. However, his wife Sawda gave her time up to Aisha, because she was over 55 and could not have children any more and she feared he would divorce otherwise. But if a wife relinquishes the right to equal time – it must be done voluntarily, and CAN BE RETRACTED AT ANY TIME.

    Dear Ysii, I do think it’s of vital importance, as you and others state, that you get a definite answer from your husband. This not knowing must be torture, surely he can see that! But how will you know if you can trust his answer?? 😦

  29. Me neither.. All day today he have said that he will say no to his parents, even though they will hate him for saying yes then no. But – for being a woman with a big heart – I have asked him for more time. I will really really try på accept or atleast think about this. If I have taking time to think, he cant ever say ” You feeling like this right know, it will pass”. Cuz if i thinking for a while, and the feeling wont pass. Then he has to accept the fact. So – duaas and fingers crossed that we agree on saying no soon..

  30. Oh, my sister in islam,

    This was exactly what your husband was hoping for. When you ask for more time instead of saying No he hears ‘I know I am only being selfish when I say no and with the help of Allah and patience I will come around because I know that the right thing is to say yes’ So whatever you say later he will say you really only need time and patience. So this is losing your chance of a NO. You are proving to him that you are emotional not rational and feeding him the prejudice that as a Pakistani man he already has against women. While you are flip flopping he is deciding to say yes anyway… Don’t you understand? Can’t you be rational?

  31. Can anyone tell me a haadith or fatwa on if the second wife gives up her time with my husband she can take that back? Or if they write a marriage contract that says she aint coming her to live / and she accept 1 mounth a year, can she change her mind. Please write back if she can take her rights back when she´s given them up.

  32. A wife may even relinquish her right of spending the night with her husband and give it to her co-wife. It is narrated that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) issued a revocable divorce to Sawda bint Zam’a (Allah be pleased with her). She requested the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) to take her back, and that she will allocate her turn (of spending the night) to A’isha (Allah be pleased with her), in order that she may be included among the wives of the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) on the day of Judgment, thus the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) fulfilled her wish and took her back. (See: Mishkat al-Masabih, 2/966, no. 3237)

    If a wife relinquished her right, then she has a right in the future to once again demand equality. Imam al-Haskafi (Allah have mercy on him) states:

    “If a wife granted her right of companionship with the husband to her co-wife, then this will be valid, and she will have the right to reverse her decision in the future if she so desires.” (See: Radd al-Muhtar ala al-Durr al-Mukhtar, 3/206)

    I am so sorry for you Ysii, that this has to go on and cause you pain. I hope he will understand that there is no way this will be brought about without causing you irreversible harm. Big hugs! //F

  33. And I just wanted to add, that making her swear an oath, or sign a pledge or agreement in writing, doesn’t help either. She can take it back, if she just pays a small fine or fasts for three days: ““Allah will not call you to account for what is futile in your oaths, but He will call you to account for your deliberate oaths: for expiation, feed ten indigent persons, on a scale of the average for the food of your families; or clothe them; or give a slave his freedom. If that is beyond your means, fast for three days. That is the expiation for the oaths ye have sworn.”(Quran 5:89) In the hadiths it is clarified that “If you ever take an oath to do something and later on you find that something else is better, then you should expiate your oath and do what is better.””

  34. Thank you very much for the answer. Today we argue about this, cuz he find it REALLY hard for him to talk about this day out and day in, but what did he expect?

    So, we argue and Im started to cry,,, ofcourse….. So he said that he fill say No to his family and thats that. Well, his mother was here now and said hello and visit her grandchild. So she said ” Your other male cousin also going to get married now” . (she spoke in pashto, so that I couldnt understand) So now we know that EVERYONE knows about this, so when she leaved I asked my husband WHEN are you going to tell them no? So , yea… guess what, he find it really hard to say and now he dont know what to do..

    “Suprice” .. Another sleepless night tonight…

  35. Men are all about emotions, they can’t be rational. He must be rational instead of a flip flopping mamas-boy.Tell him that. LOL
    Honestly, he is not being rational. He just wants to do as culture says and obey mama and have her say good boy. You must make him understand it’s not worth ruining all your lives over. Especially not your child’s! Have you told him about the fatwas that she can change her mind? Good luck!

  36. Dear sister in islam

    He has already decided. He will go ahead with this marriage against all reason and against sharia and islam, to please himself and his mother. Unless you put your foot down firmly and say NO – under no circimstances NO and I will fight you in every way permitted to me. For the sake of my children and myself I will never accept it. Dear sister, you must think of your child and the child you are carrying.

  37. Im thinking about everything! How can I not … I know he will go and do this without me accept it. What else can i do then to show how much he hurts me..

  38. SALAMO ALEJKOM my sisters / Hello..

    Im happy to tell you that yesterday at night my husband called his mother and told her that he can not marry his cousin cuz Im been crying for 2 days. She was very sad to hear that I was so upset cuz she thought I was accepting all this – that was what my husband had told her. So she came her and said that its OKEJ. I just got to stop crying, noone forcing anybody and that she understood how i feel.

    So its all over, im not going to live with a second wife in my life.. Åh im soooo happy, alhamdulillah!!!

    Thanks for all your support, Barak allah fiki..

    Salam

  39. I am so happy for you, Ysii! You held out really well under pressure – just goes to show how strong we can be when we have to! I am glad your husband considered your feelings and made them his priority! I hope you can find a way to show a little extra appreciation? Favourite food and a beautiful dress? 😉 I am so happy if we were of any help. Please don’t be a stranger! 🙂

  40. I just wanted to say I’ve been thinking about you today. I am happy things worked out.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s