The one person you thought you could always trust, the one who had promised to always love you, protect you and honour you, has decieved you and betrayed you in the worst possible way: he has chosen to willingly fall in love with somebody else, to promise to love somebody else, to fuck and possibly impregnate somebody else, behind your back. Can you trust him again?
Phase II stage Two – Mistrust
Emotion: Mistrust – The woman will lack confidence and distrust everything her husband says or does
Effect: She will be suspicious of his behaviour, what he says and where he goes
Role: This stage will last depending on how much damage was done in the way the situation came to her attention
Verbal Manifestations: I don’t trust you anymore. I’ll never trust you again. How could you betray me this way? Everything you say is a lie. How can you expect me to believe you now?
Physical Manifestations: Snooping, doubting facial expressions (Source: Coping with Polygamy – From Monogamy to Polygamy By Umm AbdurRahman )
Fiona: I didn’t believe a word you said. Why would I? I mean, you had actively sought out a woman to fall in love with, you had married her, promised to love her for the rest of your life and you had fucked her and set her up in a home in St Albans that you paid for – all behind my back. You had lied about all of this for months. How could I trust you? Honestly, I still don’t trust you the way I did before. I don’t think I ever will. If you can lie about something like this, I’d be stupid to trust you completely again. Right? So I suppose in a way, this stage is still ongoing… And yes, I did snoop. I mean, you refused to tell me things. You refused to tell me how you met her, when you married her – basic facts. I needed to know what had happened. I don’t really know why, but I needed to know. So I snooped. I checked your e-mail, I looked through your papers, I hacked your phone…And as it turned out, I could see you were still lying about things…The lies, the way you thought you could continue to lie to me, that you somehow believed you were protecting me by lying to me, like I was a child or an idiot – it hurt so much! It still does. But I also found that snooping didn’t help, it just made things worse…
Husband: Deciding to marry a second wife was a long process. I thought I would be able to add happiness to my life, to feel more fulfilled and also make a young woman happy. I wanted to make your pain as shortlived as possible, because I really intended to be a better husband to you too, to try and use polygamy to develop and become a more active husband to you too, even if we would be able to spend less time together and you would have to share me with another wife. I thought if I married and started a life with a new wife, and waited a couple of months telling you, that would help. I would be able to say that: ”Look – it doesn’t change anything for the worse. We have been just as happy, you have been just as pleased with me, just as fullfilled. See – you don’t have to be miserable, life will be just as good, these months when I have been married to my second wife, our marriage has been even better than before!” That was the plan… I regretted this when I saw your reaction. I shouldn’t have lied. And the thing is, once you start lying, more lies tend to follow. I am really sorry. I shouldn’t have lied to you.
Husband: I couldn’t believe the way you had lied to me. I kept going over the lies in my head, how you had said that you had been to the gym and that’s why you changed clothes, you said an old schoolfriend called when you got an unexpected call, you said you were getting happy, feeling better again because you were finding your way to live with polygamy – you didn’t say it was by getting another husband! Yes, I started to believe everything you said was a lie. I went through your drawers to look for reciepts or other ways of finding out where you had been, what you had done. I looked through your messages, your e-mails. But it only made the pain worse, gee when I found messages from him saying how he still felt the taste of your lips (you didn’t know I read that, did you?!), when you wrote you couldn’t wait for my days to be up so you could be together with him again, that really broke my heart. I still wish I had never snooped and found those messages.. But also, they were a wake up call. They made me realize it was real, you weren’t playing tricks, you weren’t with the other man just to hurt me, you actually loved him. It forced me to face the truth.. But the lying hurt, it hurt real bad. And the deceit. I think I trust you again now, but maybe not as completely as before..
Fiona: I did lie a couple of times, about details like who had called during the day. But I didn’t lie about Graham because you never asked. I never lied about where I was going, because I only used time you had given up, time you were already spending with your new woman. So I never lied the way you did. Mine was more a sin by omission. But yes, I did decieve you, and I am sorry for that. I told you the truth about becoming polyandrous as soon as we had taken our common law vows, and consummated our marriage. I told you about it during our first scheduled days after that. I knew you were snooping, and having been there I could understand why you did. It’s ok. But I did try to keep all details from you, both because I wanted to compartmentalize and because I knew that finding out details or private things between me and Graham would only cause you pain. But I understand if you still don’t trust me 100 %.
(Text is a moderated transcription of our recorded conversation)