The first thing I do every day is check for new posts.. I love reading about your story and you seem to be so strong and handle everything so well. I am going to try to be like you!
When I was a teenager I wasn’t very happy. My family had problems and I had problems too. I had a boyfriend who was my great love and my best friend. I don’t know if I had made it through my teens without him! We were planning to marry. But I was never really happy, I felt something was missing. Then I found Islam and I became a muslim.
I wanted my boyfriend to become muslim too, but he couldn’t so we drifted apart.
I got married. I was introduced to a nice man through my masjid. I liked him and we were married. He is a fantastic man, a good friend and a good person. He always tries to do his best, and I have been very happy with him. We have a daughter who is now 4 years old.
I became a first wife early last year, when my husband married again. He talked about it with me first. He said he wanted to have a better chance to have sons, and he also wanted to help out this woman who had lost her husband. I really didn’t want to have a co-wife, I said we can try to have more children, but my husband already had his heart set on this. He said I shouldn’t be selfish. I became a co-wife, and I have been trying very hard to be happy in polygamy. BUT I SIMPLY CAN’T! There are too many things I can’t accept. I can’t believe Allah would want me to hurt as much as I do, I can’t believe Allah would want for my daughter to be without a father when she wants and needs him, I can’t believe Allah would create half of all humans to hurt the other half – the half they claim to love. And I can’t believe Allah wants me to be alone half the time for the rest of my life, while my husband is loved all the time. No. I refuse to believe it.
I look at what I have written and my heart is pounding. These are thoughts I shouldn’t have. This is wrong. But even Allah said we can not be blamed for what is in our hearts. And this is in my heart.
When I found your blog I could recognize every feeling, I read every post over and over again. It felt like you were speaking to me!
Some time ago my former boyfriend, the one man I have fallen in love with, met my sister in town. He had told her that his wife died. He asked about me. She told him where to find me, and that I was living polygamy. He called me, and we met. I just wanted to talk to him, to meet up with my past. I ended up pouring out my heart to him. We felt such a strong attraction. I told him we can not see each other again and he understood.
So I went home to my loneliness and my half a husband. A bit later my husband told me my co-wife is pregnant. My husband is so happy, and he thinks I should be happy too. He thinks I am a bad sister in faith because I am not happy. Sharing is pain, sharing sucks, I hate sharing. And now my daughter will have to share her father with another woman’s baby. This baby will only get half a father. Nobody gets what they want, except my husband..
But now I have decided. I called my old love and we met again. I said I still love him. I asked if he would live polygamy with me. I said I will love him and always be true to him and be a good wife to him, if he accepts that I am polygamous and have one more husband. He said he is willing to try.
My husband is with my co-wife until late tomorrow. He will be coming to me after work tomorrow night. I will tell him then, that he is becoming a first husband on Monday. Take it or leave it.
I am very nervous now…. Pray for me! 🙂