Can I Allow my Husband, who has become Muslim, to become Polygamous and Force me to Raise our Children as Muslims? Q&A

Question: My husband, like yours, was raised in Europe because his mother is European. His father is arab. When I met my husband he was an atheist, he didn’t believe in any special religion, but he said he believed in God. I am Roman Catholic, and my faith and belonging to the one true Church is extremely important to me. He respected that and admired it and said he would consider becoming catholic. He asked me to marry him.

For a little more than 6 months we went to my church to talk to a priest every week. Since I am RC, I can never divorce, divorce simply doesn’t exist to our church, nobody can divorce, ever. My husband needed to understand that and promise he respected that. In catholicism marriage is sacred, it’s a sacrament, like the communion or confession. It’s a holy oath to God as well as the spouse, and can never be broken. My husband respected that. He promised never to go against the sanctity of marriage, he promised before the priest. He also promised that I would be allowed to bring up our children catholic.

So we got a dispensation and were married. We have been very happy. Now we have a 4-year old son and a 2-year old daughter. My husband converted to catholicism 6 months after the wedding. I have been very happy.

4 months ago suddenly he came home and said he had become muslim. He said he wanted to reconnect to his culture and that he thought becoming muslim felt right. Since then, he has started to go back on the promises he gave me. He’s been talking about wanting me to wear a headscarf. I refuse. He says we have to bring our children up muslim. I refuse. He says that being the man, he is the one to make those decisions. I say that a promise before God is a promise before God, whatever religion you are, and him being a man has nothing to do with it.

Now, he says he will be marrying another woman next week. He says he can do that. I said not in Spain you can’t, because bigamy is against the law. He says he will marry in the mosque and that it is legal because it will only be a religious marriage, not a legal marriage. He says a new wife will help him live islamically and will help raise the children muslims.

I think I am going to die. I don’t know what to do. I love my husband. I am crushed. I can not allow him to bring up our children in islam. I can not have a daughter in headscarf, I can not have a marriage when my husband breaks the sanctity of marriage by being a bigamist. I will go to hell if I allow this to happen. But if I leave my husband, I will still be married to him forever. I can never be with another man again in my entire life. I will be alone for the rest of my life. Married to him while he is married to other women. I don’t know what to do. Help me. I am destroyed. You seem to be so strong, have you any advice?

Answer: I can’t believe what he is doing to you. Does he realize what this is doing to you? I wish I could help you. I don’t understand how a husband can suddenly turn into a monster the way you describe.

As I see it, you have to leave him. Now. Right now. Take the kids and go! Do you have family there? Go to them. A smart thing might be to first talk about the things you mention above, the second marriage and his intent to become a bigamist. If you can have him talk about his rights over you as a man that would be good. And – record it all. That way, you will be able to prove he’s an unfit father, and you can keep the children. Especially if you can make him say that he wants to take the children from you by force to have his second “wife” bring them up islamically…

So my advice is: GO! Take the children and run!

One thing: If he contacts you once you have left and promises to change, promises to skip becoming polygamous, and allow you to raise the children RC – Don’t believe him! In islam, men are allowed to lie to their wives in order to keep them happy. In islam men are allowed to take their kids from their mothers. If your husband takes the children to his father’s country you will never see them again.

So take the children today and run and hide! And get yourself a lawyer. Make sure your husband is never allowed to be alone with the children again.

12 thoughts on “Can I Allow my Husband, who has become Muslim, to become Polygamous and Force me to Raise our Children as Muslims? Q&A

  1. The church shouldnt allow christians to marry muslims. This is what happens. Next thing youll find your kids are in arabia and youll never see them again… Do as fiona says – tahe the kids and go! Being alone is a small price to pay for saving your kids and getting away from this wacko..

  2. This is so sad. I wonder why husband has not talked about the important things. Why he has not talked about islam, making the shahadah together. Then you could have become happy togehter and this is not must have happened. Have you thought about be muslim and be a muslim wife to your husband? Maybe that would make save everything. The children must be mostly important now. You want your husband and they want father. In Islam you could have everything with family and second wife and be happy again?

  3. Dear Friend,

    I understand your situation. My sister lives in similar hell and I regret that she hasn’t divorced her husband, but her son is being currently raised as a Muslim. He has basically imposed his religion. Her husband (who is Moroccan) has been psychologically terrorizing her and our entire family for the last couple of years and I do hope that she will take her child one day and run away from this monster with two faces. Needless to say, before she married him, he was a different person.

    I would also like to add that I used to date a Moroccan myself and my sister immediately told to leave him if I want to protect myself. At first, I thought how can she tell me this when she has been with a Moroccan for so may years? I was a bit offended. But frankly, leaving that man was the best decision in my life. Not to mention that before that I was in a long distance relationship with a Turkish man. These men only try to impose their religion, rules and demands on us.

    I realize that you are RC and marriage is sacred for you. However, in Christianity divorce is allowed (I know not in the RC church). Circumstances in which divorce is acceptable is when a non-Christian spouse leaves (1 Corinthians 7:10-16) the marriage. Many people interpret the reference to a non-Christian leaving a marriage to include abuse (no matter whether the abuse is verbal, psychological or physical)–and I agree with that interpretation. Someone who is abusing their spouse is not a Christian on the first place, and–although they are present physically–they have left the marriage. We should not forget that he is Muslim and you are not allowed to be in a marriage outside Christianity. Christianity prohibits us to marry non-Christians and it is our duty to make sure that we raise our children as Christian and teach them the love of God. Living in a polygamous marriage is also a sin. Jesus Christ said “one man must marry one woman” and not one man marry several women.

    Frankly, I believe that by raising your children as Muslim, living in a polygamous marriage with a non-Christian and submitting to his Islamic expectations is a bigger sin than divorce. Following God and protecting your children from your husband’s demands, who has already shown that he cannot be trusted, is the safest thing to do. Hold strong to your faith and protect your children.

    I understand that you love your husband, but he has just shown that he does not deserve to be trusted and he is not sticking to his initial promises, which he told you in front of the priest. Don’t let this liar raise your children as liars as well. In Islam lying to non-Muslims is allowed and as far as I can remember it is called taqeeya. There is another website which I can recommend you to look at: faithfreedom.org and alisina.org

    The second website is run by Dr. Ali Sina, who is an ex-Muslim and has written a wonderful book showing the evils of Islam and can only recommend it.

    Darling, get a lawyer and protect your children and your faith and don’t give up your faith. Your husband does not deserve it!

  4. My advice to you is READ ABOUT ISLAM. you will never regret it. learn it, than you can decide if it Islam is a good religion or not.
    you’re husband was lost in all these past years looking for the religion that touches his soul, and he found it. you have to read about it. don’t judge!
    you will later know how great Islam is, there are so many advantages of being married to Muslim man.
    (not all muslims are true muslims), some of them bring shame to Islam.
    your husband cannot convert you to Islam, but he has to teach your children about it, my advice to you, let your children decide. and please read about Islam.

  5. What advantages are there to be had in being married to a muslim man exactly? The advantage to be married to a man who believes he is your head and guardian? To be married to a man who believes it’s your duty to obey him, and his right to beat you if you don’t? To be married to a man who believes he has a right to fuck three other women besides you, marry them and have babies with them without telling you or asking your permission? The right to fuck them and bring their bacteria and STD:s back to your bed? The right to command you to have sex anytime and beat you if you refuse? Tell me, what kind of advantages are you talking about?

  6. Rawan, Look at your statement “your husband cannot convert you to Islam, but he has to teach your children about it, my advice to you, let your children decide”. This statement is wrong at many levels and it has nothing to do with this woman’s situation. Her husband is clearly trying to force her to wear head scarf and force her to live polygamy. He wants to raise the kids Muslim he doesn’t want to let them decide who they want to be. Don’t you think this mother who carried them in her womb and brought them into this world, have a right to teach her values to her kids. Why would she want them to live with a man who is clearly betraying their mother. Who is not keeping the promises he made to get married to this lady.

    Dear Lady, whoever you are please be safe. I hope your husband doesn’t read this blog. Get in touch with a lawyer and collect all the evidence you can like others mentioned about him saying things like forcing you to wear scarf and taking your kids away from you to give them to Muslim wife etc. Don’t be afraid if you are not economically independent. I am sure your church and family will help you and kids if you explain your situation. Please don’t hide your situation from family and friends. Act fast before you get caught in this abusive situation. If you don’t act now and get support for yourself you will never be able to do it. It will be even harder to admit to your family and friends that you allowed your husband to go on and marry another woman and you compromised your kids future because of your weakness. If you feel religious obligation to not divorce, talk to your church about your situation. I am sure your religion and church would not want you to stay in this situation. It will be difficult to leave the person you love and planned to spend your entire life with but he is not the same person anymore. He is not the same man who made those promises to you. He is a changed man. Just think that the man who married you died and now you have to live on your own and take care of your kids.

  7. Wow. I know this post is from a year ago but I’m horrified. Wondering whatever happened to this lady? This is why I loathe religion (the Abrahamic ones in particular). She cannot divorce this asshole because her religion dictates no divorce in Catholicism? Then the imposition of Islam and all THAT entails….polygamy being part of it, naturally….ugh. As an ex Catholic and an ex Muslim, I am SO glad I refused to live in fear anymore and got out of this lunacy altogether. I’m a very happy heretic lol….

  8. My mother was RC. It’s in my blood, I can feel it sometimes, you know almost like instinct. I suppose that’s also one of the reasons why I simply couldn’t even consider a divorce when Mark told me about #2. It’s strange how difficult it is to free yourself from religious notions, no matter how much you distance yourself from them intellectually.

  9. It can be ingrained to the point of feeling instinctive, yes. I’m fortunate in that my parents were not super devout or anything. I was only baptized…no first communion or confirmation. I was Catholic in name only, really. I did like the ritualistic aspect of it, the “thou shalt nots” not so much..lol…which is why when I found Paganism it appealed to my soul and I embraced the whole free spirited way of nature reverence without the concept of sin or satan or one true god or hell. Then I met and married a guy who was Muslim but a modern, progressive and more or less “in name only” kind of guy. Til he met my co. And Islam, as I said elsewhere, was just another coping mechanism when my Muslim husband sprung a Muslim co-wife on me out of the blue several years back. Til then I was a Pagan since 20 some years.

  10. Dear Catholic lady,

    If you have not, please contact the church authority in your vicinity. There is a procedure to dissolve a marriage in Catholicism. It is not a divorce. There are certain conditions – faults, flaws, lies by the partner upon conclusion of the union – that if recognized by the church lead them to pronounce your marriage invalid from the beginning (it is nullified by our legal terms). Such marriage dissolutions are sometimes granted to celebrities – politicians, royalty – for much criticized almost non-existent grounds (character flaws in the partner, addictions that were present but concealed before the marriage was concluded etc). Many say these are favours to the privileged by the Vatican to be able to remarry.

    Anyways, since you are a believing Catholic, it will help you understand while there is criticism for some cases, this is an absolutely theologically accepted procedure within the Catholic faith. Please get counselling on it. In my opinion, your case holds way more merit than any one I have ever heard. You married in a Catholic ceremony a man who promised to become Catholic and raise the children Catholic. This is not even required by the Vatican – there are procedures for Catholics to marry Jews, Muslims or atheists, who do not have to promise to bring children up as Catholics, but as believing parents (Jews, Muslims) or as loving parents (atheists). This is official Catholic marriage ceremony (I happen to have concluded it myself).

    So your husband based your union on a lie, him becoming Catholic and raising Catholic children. You married him following this promise. That should make your marriage bond null and void by the Catholic church. It is a long procedure, but I believe for your happiness in your faith, your ability to live freely with a man you choose whom you want to be legally married to, this might be worth it.

    I hope you see this post! I sincerely hope it for you. And I hope the church will grant you the dissolution. You will apply with your diocesis – I guess your Bishop is the competent adressee – and this will go up to the Vatican to a department that is specialized in these procedures.

  11. Sounds interesting, this Petrine privilege. I had not known of it. Only problem there might be: I was under the impression the marriage was a sacrament for the Catholic half of the union, not for the other one. If I understood that correctly – and I say there might be a problem because I am not 100% sure I correctly understood this part – the side for whom it would be a sacrament likely could not claim tht dissolution privilege. There again, the privilege would be pretty useless then since it would only be needed by the Catholic side by definition (assuming the other side could care less about Catholic church procedures surrounding their marriage). Anyways, sure worth asking – and insisting! – in the competent church institutions. From experience, many will turn you away regarding rights and procedures you are actually granted in Catholicism simply because they rarely have such cases.

    So: Best to read up on these points firmly, go as high up the church hierarchy as possible, in parallel search for support groups – sometimes a simple village priest might have specialized in your issue because he dealt with a case once and therefore acquired more knowledge on it than many high churchmen! – and insist. Often churchmen are not as well versed in the jungle that is canonical law as they should be, and often they are quick to turn their sheep away too fast in their own ignorance!

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