How does one Handle all the Time Alone, when the Husband is with the Other Wife? Q&A

Depression-loss_of_loved_oneQuestion: I am a second wife. I knew when I married that I would have to share my husband with at least one coco. My husband’s first wife was pregnant when he told her that he was going to marry me, and I think he felt a bit guilty over that. She took it hard. So, I agreed to give up some of my time in the beginning, to make things easier on her and to allow her to adjust to polygamy. Later on, she became rather ill at the end of her pregnancy, so I allowed my husband extra time with her to take care of her. Now, the baby has been born, so I am sometimes giving up nights so my husband can help with the baby. My coco has never thanked me for any of this, quite the opposite in fact, but I’m thinking I will be rewarded when the time comes… 🙂 I knew I would sometimes be jealous when my husband is with her, so I had prepared to cope with that. But I didn’t know how much I would be alone, and how lonely polygamy is. Half my husband’s time belongs to my coco, but as things have turned out, he has been spending 2/3 of his time with her. I suppose he will continue to do that now with the baby, and I know his first wife is still not recovered. I don’t want her to hate me for marrying her husband when she was pregnant with their first child, so I am continuing to give up some of my nights. And I am lonely, very very lonely. I’m picturing them sharing the joy of the baby, and here I am, all alone. Even sharing half/half would still make me very much alone. I asked my husband if I could spend a night or two with my mother when he’s gone and I’m feeling really lonely and depressed, but he said no. 😦 So what do I do with all my time? I don’t want to be alone all the time, I don’t want to be resentful and bitter. Do you have any advice?

Answer: Well, honestly, I don’t understand how anyone can choose to become a second wife under islamic rules. I don’t understand how anyone can marry a man without his first wife’s consent. I don’t understand how anyone can marry a man when he and his wife are expecting their first baby. If you’d care to post again and try to explain, I would be very grateful since these are some of the things about islamic polygyny that really puzzle me… You probably know that I am not muslim, so for a muslim perspective on your question, we would have to hope for another commentator to answer.

As far as you not wanting his first wife to hate you for marrying her husband while she was pregnant with their first child – I’d say that ship has sailed! Gee, I would hate your guts for ever, and from what you write that’s exactly what your “coco” is feeling too..

So, in a way, I don’t think you have anything to lose by demanding your right to your nights. You can’t really hurt her any more than you already have.

I do know the loneliness of polygamy. The heartbreaking loneliness. I know some ladies spend their time in hell (while their husbands are off fucking other women) making themselves pretty for when he’ll return. Having their nails done, going to the hairdresser’s. I never did that. I’m the intellectual sort, nailpolish is beautiful, but it does nothing to my soul… So, if you’re not a bimbo, the beauty parlour really does nothing to help.. A movie and ice cream helps for a night or two – but not for the rest of your life!

By the way – I can’t believe that he’s off fucking another woman more than half of his time, but refusing you the comfort of spending a night at your mother’s!! What an a**hole! That’s just one more proof of the misogyny of islam!

So, my advice would be: Get a life! Take classes – you can do that on the internet now. Take up an active hobby, get out of the house. If he minds – just tell him that the days he spends with #1, you consider yourself abandoned, and you are going do be free to do absolutely anything you want on the time he has given up. AND – go visit your mother! Spend the night there! Maybe the reward for giving up time, and the punishment for demanding some right to make your own decisions will balance each other? 😉

Good luck, and as I said – I’d be very happy if you’d care to share more of your story!

14 thoughts on “How does one Handle all the Time Alone, when the Husband is with the Other Wife? Q&A

  1. I am constantly amazed at the number of women who agree to marry these insensitve, narcissistic jerks who callously go out and seek other wives while their first wife is pregnant, and then are surprised when that same fine male specimen turns around quickly and treats them poorly! I mean – really? If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s a DUCK !!! Then to top it off these same women can’t understand why the first wife hates them when they have been so nice to give the first wife back some of the time that use to be all the first wife’s in the first place!!!

  2. My husband had a right to marry me, I had a right to marry him, his first wife has no cause to hold a grudge. We did nothing wrong. I have done everything I can to show her that I want to be a good sister, but she doesn’t want to have a friendship with me. So, what more can I do? I am not stupid, I know she was hurt. But I have proven over and over again that I am no threat to her, but a good sister and I want to be a good co-wife, even if it has been at the price of giving up my rights. If she had only been just and fair, we could have gotten our family together and made this work. Now, I have ended up with the short end of the stick… 😦 Fiona: I’ll get back to you! And thank you – your post was really food for thought…

  3. Another thing. It is thanks to me my coco is getting extra time! My husband doesn’t want to spend extra nights there because he says the baby screams through the nights so he can’t get any sleep, and also he can’t have sex with #1 yet and she is still tired, grumpy and not very attractive after giving birth, so he says he’d much rather be with me. So I am the one who makes him go!

  4. Lonelysecond, just because it is a “right” does not mean it is the “right” thing to do!!! Hopefully #3 will be as generous to you when you find yourself in the same situation as #1!

  5. My husband did the right thing when he married me, a right IS the right thing to do. My coco wouldn’t have been hurt if she had been able to focus on what is right and sharing the way we should. When and if the time comes, I hope I will be able to wish for #3 what I wish for myself. My husband is a good man, a good leader of the household and a good guide to Islam. Why wouldn’t I want that for my sister? I don’t mind sharing, but I would like to have something meaningful to do, to keep my mind on something useful. 🙂

  6. Actually it would be good if these first ladies understand that the second wife comes in to their favor of not being of worked, so they should happily welcome them and be a sister than holding a grudge because they can not handle it alone. Besides that some times one becomes a second wife unknowingly,and the time she realizes it can be too late to begin a new relationship.So the first wife should be considerate and try to understand situations than developing enmity because all in all at the end the kid from both sides are brothers and sisters who need a uniting ground from the mothers to have a peaceful family.

  7. Nabuzale,

    That’s WAY too simplistic way of putting things. Remember this matter is about something as delicate as polygamy. Forced polygamy is an inhuman act. Why can’t more of these Muslims who simplify it see it that way, particularly the males?

  8. Nabuzale jacking.

    We don’t mind spending time alone, it’s the fact that our husbands are sleeping with other women.
    If the second wife didn’t know, then she should want to start a new relationship (with someone who isnt a liar) and it’s never to late to start again.
    So the second wife should be considerate and find her own husband. Instead of putting a hardship on her sister who she pretends to love so much. The first wife had a very peaceful family, where all the brothers and sisters played happily together. Then the 2nd wife came along.

  9. It’s complete rubbish to say the 2nd wife has just done the same thing as the 1st wife by marrying a man. The 2nd wife marries a “married” man, that’s a whole different thing. And if she was conned into it, then her issue should be with the lying jackass she married, not telling the 1st wife to be more understanding of her situation.

  10. Lonelysecond, congratulations on marrying a complete jerk!

    “Good guide of the household” who complains about his own child screaming through the night so he “cannot get any sleep”? What a self-obsessed wimp and a failure of a father. If I ever found out my father let the woman who had completely exhausted and broken her body to bring me into this world get up every night to take care of me alone instead of taking AT LEAST half the share, AND had the nerve of complaining for not “sleeping through the night”, I’d lose every last ounce of respect for the man. I hope his child does the same when time comes. That man does not deserve to be called “father”, he is nothing but a progenitor and almost every man can complete that task.

    Oh, and as for “not very attractive after childbirth” – oh boy, you are going to get a taste of your own medicine sooner rather than later, dear. I bet he presents # 3 to you when you are “not very attractive” due to pregnancy or childbirth. Or just sees prostitutes in that time, to bring back disease to you. He is not only a failure as a father, but also as a partner to a woman.

    Anyways, when you say this man is a great guide for Islam and great leader of the household, it is actually amusing for someone like me who does not practice this misogynist faith. So the biggest jerk is a great example? That is very telling for a faith community, sorry to note that hard truth. Every woman with an ounce of dignity and self-respect would get that man out of her life. Of course, there is also the material side. If you and his first wife did not invest into your schooling and education, as well as professional training, you are dependent on jerks like that man, economically.

  11. Chris, et al,
    About jerkhood, yes, pretty much. A complete jerk married a complete jerk.

  12. lonelysecond, you are extremely inconsiderate of this woman and her feelings, the fact of the matter is you came in and shattered the life she once had. Just because you and your husband didn’t do anything ‘wrong’ doesn’t mean you did the right thing either. He should have been more considerate and merciful to his existing family knowing that his actions would cause them pain and suffering, he should have made sure his first wife would be okay before making such a huge decision. And you need to stop acting like you’ve done this woman any favours. You willingly gave up your time, that’s all on you. She doesn’t have to be your friend, she doesn’t have to talk to you, she doesn’t have to do anything with you. You’re certainly not her family, and she’s not your family, you’re his family and absolutely nothing to her.

    And btw your husband sounds like a disgusting person, if that’s what you call a leader, this is a sad world we’re living in.

  13. Guys, this was a post from awhile ago (almost 3 years now). I’m not 100% sure, but I think LonelySecond has had a bit of an awakening since then, based on her more recent comments.

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