Question: I am a second wife. I knew when I married that I would have to share my husband with at least one coco. My husband’s first wife was pregnant when he told her that he was going to marry me, and I think he felt a bit guilty over that. She took it hard. So, I agreed to give up some of my time in the beginning, to make things easier on her and to allow her to adjust to polygamy. Later on, she became rather ill at the end of her pregnancy, so I allowed my husband extra time with her to take care of her. Now, the baby has been born, so I am sometimes giving up nights so my husband can help with the baby. My coco has never thanked me for any of this, quite the opposite in fact, but I’m thinking I will be rewarded when the time comes… 🙂 I knew I would sometimes be jealous when my husband is with her, so I had prepared to cope with that. But I didn’t know how much I would be alone, and how lonely polygamy is. Half my husband’s time belongs to my coco, but as things have turned out, he has been spending 2/3 of his time with her. I suppose he will continue to do that now with the baby, and I know his first wife is still not recovered. I don’t want her to hate me for marrying her husband when she was pregnant with their first child, so I am continuing to give up some of my nights. And I am lonely, very very lonely. I’m picturing them sharing the joy of the baby, and here I am, all alone. Even sharing half/half would still make me very much alone. I asked my husband if I could spend a night or two with my mother when he’s gone and I’m feeling really lonely and depressed, but he said no. 😦 So what do I do with all my time? I don’t want to be alone all the time, I don’t want to be resentful and bitter. Do you have any advice?
Answer: Well, honestly, I don’t understand how anyone can choose to become a second wife under islamic rules. I don’t understand how anyone can marry a man without his first wife’s consent. I don’t understand how anyone can marry a man when he and his wife are expecting their first baby. If you’d care to post again and try to explain, I would be very grateful since these are some of the things about islamic polygyny that really puzzle me… You probably know that I am not muslim, so for a muslim perspective on your question, we would have to hope for another commentator to answer.
As far as you not wanting his first wife to hate you for marrying her husband while she was pregnant with their first child – I’d say that ship has sailed! Gee, I would hate your guts for ever, and from what you write that’s exactly what your “coco” is feeling too..
So, in a way, I don’t think you have anything to lose by demanding your right to your nights. You can’t really hurt her any more than you already have.
I do know the loneliness of polygamy. The heartbreaking loneliness. I know some ladies spend their time in hell (while their husbands are off fucking other women) making themselves pretty for when he’ll return. Having their nails done, going to the hairdresser’s. I never did that. I’m the intellectual sort, nailpolish is beautiful, but it does nothing to my soul… So, if you’re not a bimbo, the beauty parlour really does nothing to help.. A movie and ice cream helps for a night or two – but not for the rest of your life!
By the way – I can’t believe that he’s off fucking another woman more than half of his time, but refusing you the comfort of spending a night at your mother’s!! What an a**hole! That’s just one more proof of the misogyny of islam!
So, my advice would be: Get a life! Take classes – you can do that on the internet now. Take up an active hobby, get out of the house. If he minds – just tell him that the days he spends with #1, you consider yourself abandoned, and you are going do be free to do absolutely anything you want on the time he has given up. AND – go visit your mother! Spend the night there! Maybe the reward for giving up time, and the punishment for demanding some right to make your own decisions will balance each other? 😉
Good luck, and as I said – I’d be very happy if you’d care to share more of your story!