How can I stop my Husband from becoming Polygamous? Q&A

Question: I am a young muslimah and my husband is telling me he wants a second wife. I have showed him how much hurt I am from this. He asks me why it is so bad and he can’t understand why I am so sad.

I don’t want to forbid something that Allah has allowed, but I hope there is some way I can make my husband feel that I am more important than having a second wife. Can you help me? How do I open my soul to my husband so he understands my true feelings and understand what it would be to me if he makes polygamy? How can I reach my husband and make him choose me, and not become Polygamous? Maybe you can help.

La hawla wala quwata illa billah.

Answer: I am sorry, but I don’t really know how I can help you. I am not muslim, and I believe that in order to get through to a husband in such a situation as yours, you need to be able to reach him via his religion. Maybe there are some hadiths or verses in the Quran that could show him that he would be rewarded if he listened to you and respected your wishes? I don’t know. But I think it’s a good sign that he has talked about it with you BEFORE marrying again. Maybe that means there might be some way of getting through to him? I put your question out here and hope there might be someone out there who could help you, or give you an answer from an islamic point of view. I am very sorry I couldn’t be of more help. If there is anything else you would like to talk about, feel free to post again anytime! I’ll be thinking about you.

12 thoughts on “How can I stop my Husband from becoming Polygamous? Q&A

  1. Hi, I’ve very much followed your blog and have found it extremely interesting to see the reality of polygamy. Ot was also interesting to note how your husband married a second wife but completely abused the verse allowing it and I shall explain below as well as answering the question to the commenter above.

    When it comes to polygamy it has absolutely become hijacked to satisfy man’s desire and wims, the verse which speaks about polygamy clearly states that one is allowed to marry another woman providing that he incorporate equal rights to them all. Now in your case your husband just actually made a huge injustice against your rights according to Islamic law. He made a decision which ultimately lead to injustice and inequality as your feelings towards this have been one of being distraught.

    Now to answer the above question, you must ask your husband that is able to treat you all equally? If he claims yes and you are unhappy then indeed this is not being treated equally and therefore he shouldn’t be allowed to marry a second wife. Times have changed, we live in a modern era and polygamy is not accepted by the majority as acceptable. The permissibility of polygamy in the Qur’an is not a general sanctioned it would rather you marry one but is there if there is a just reason. It’s there as an option but generally it is argued that one should refrain from such a thing.

    Unfortunately polygamy has become hijacked and I am of the opinion that it should not occur as easily as it does. Because, how unfair is it if a man gets bored he is allowed to marry another! People need and I mean men need to understand the sanctity of marriage and such a weak thought of boredom or any of the likes should not give you reason to marry another.

    The prophet pbuh encouraged we treat our wives with respect, their emotions are to be considered and should be considered over ones desires, what an insult to the rights the Prophet pbuh came to instill for women now being abused and misinterpreted.

    Man needs to get in touch with his feelings. I pray you both find ease.

  2. Hello Faith Rehearsed and welcome to Polygamy 911. Thank you very much for a warm, caring and enlightening comment. I think it might be worth a try presenting it as unjust to give the wife misery while offering happiness to the prospective wife. That was food for thought! I’m afraid though, had I tried it on my husband, he would have referred to the rule that says just and equal only refers to money and time, not matters of the heart like happiness or love. I hope it works for the young woman who posted the question!
    I believe like you do that polygamy has been hijacked. If practiced with full consent, equally and lovingly it can be a beautiful life-style.
    I’m glad you find the blog interesting. Please stay with us, and feel free to comment!

  3. What do you do if you sense that wife #2 is trying to pull the husband away from you by engaging him in all kinds of activities and projects with her, and putting a strain on my marriage already strained by loss of time?

  4. Hello Hannah, and welcome to Polygamy 911, thanks for commenting! 🙂
    Basically, the responsibility for the marriage being just and fair lies on the polygamous partner – your husband. It is his duty to make sure his time is spent equally between you and your co-wife. If you feel he is failing in this aspect, you should talk to him about it. Your marriage is between the two of you, your co-wife’s time and activities with your husband shouldn’t infringe on your rights beyond the fact that your husband is already sharing his time between you. If talking with your husband is not an option, or doesn’t help, you might consider asking your wali or some other impartial person to intervene and explain your rights to your husband.
    Another thing you might try is making yourself unavailable every time your husband is with your co-wife, making sure he understands that you fill your life with other things than him, and that every time he allows himself to be lured away from you, your life without him grows, and his importance diminishes… This may make him more careful not to loose time with you, but it might also be a dangerous game to play… It depends on how certain you are of his love for you…. What do you think would happen if every time he is late back home, or every time he says he will spend some extra time with your co, you would show yourself happy: “Oh great, that means I’ll have time to…” or simply not be there when he is late home. I can tell you, that would make my husband anxious….

  5. Thank you for your reply Fiona, i will definately give thought to all you have said. You are correct, it’s all with him to be fair and not let the co-wife monopolize time, which is what is happening now.

  6. I hope talking with him helps, because I do believe communication and honesty is always best! I wish I could say that talking with the Co would be something to try, but my experience is that this only shows that you are vulnerable and she will up her game instead.. 😦 Especially if you are first and she is second. I’ll be thinking of you, I hope things improve! ❤

  7. thank you Fiona, i tried talking with the Co and she is in the business of trying to one up me all the time, so needless to say i stopped sharing my thoughts with her…my husband doesn’t see the cunningness so i can’t make him so i stopped trying. i spend time now concentrating on our marriage, when we are together she always finds something to call him about and it’s quite annoying!

  8. I’d love to hear if things have improved! I hope you find a way to make it clear to your husband that you love him and need him and this is why you want your just and fair share of his attention. I mean, a wife doesn’t claim her just part of his time in order to nag or make problems, but to be with her husband and connect with him. Can you bring this to your husband’s attention do you think, and make him see that your objections to her monopolizing him are based on your love for him?

  9. I have husband that frequently mingle with female strangers through flirting internet sites, it seems that it is a sign that he is bored with me. Please help me, what should I do.

  10. Hello Gina, and welcome!

    Have you tried asking him about it? Is he only flirting, or is he meeting other women? Is he looking for somebody to become polygamous with?

    Whatever the case might be, I believe in honesty. If you are worried, you should talk to him about it. Ask what he wants and why. But you must be ready to accept the truth when he tells it! What would you say if he admits to looking for another wife?
    To me, marriage is about respect and honesty. They can only exist together. So tell him the truth and demand the truth in return. That is also how you show that you respect him and expect him to be honest. You can deal with anything, I promise, except being lied to! Please, come back and let me know what happens! Love/ F

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