A Husband’s Tale of Polygamy

Source:Wikimedia Commons

Source:Wikimedia Commons

I got this e-mail, and I want to share it with you, and I really thank the anonymous sender. I feel so sorry for you. I feel so sorry for your wife. My heart goes out to you.

Hello Fiona!

Thank you for creating this blog, it has made me understand so many things, although reading it has sometimes been very painful.

I became polygamous six years ago. I loved my first wife very much, still do. She is the smartest person I know, she always made me laugh and enjoy life, because she was the kind of person who enjoyed life. We have two beautiful daughters, and I have been very blessed with such a fine wife and daughters. When I went to medical school my wife worked two jobs to support the family, and she still managed to take care of me and surprise me with little things of love every day.

Sometimes you read that men become polygamous because first wife is lacking, but I love my wife more than anything.

But I couldn’t help thinking about one more wife. I wanted a big family, I wanted more of the happiness I had. I just wanted to love and be loved and I knew it was halal. I thought my first wife would maybe hurt a little but understand I just wanted more of what I had, I didn’t love her less. And with being a doctor I could afford a bigger family.

I made my first wife very unhappy. Just like you write she cried and cried, and it never got better. She refused to let me make love to her, I wanted to make love to her often and show her how much I loved her and wanted her but she screamed when I tried to touch her.

After a while she stopped crying. She stopped talking. She stopped smiling. My children can not remember having a mother who smiled.

My wife used to be my best friend. We talked about everything, we dreamed together, made plans together shared secrets and looked forward to things together. She always knew when I was upset, she helped me, she was my best friend.

I knew when I married second I would hurt my wife, but I thought it would be ok again eventually.

Now, it has been six years. My first wife is never angry with me any more, she doesn’t cry anymore. But she never smiles anymore. And she never shares secrets, she never talks plans, she never asks me questions, she never comes to me to be touched.

Someone should have warned me. I still have my wife, but I lost my best friend when I became polygamous. I lost the thing  that was most made me happy in life.

Now, when I have read your story, I know why I lost her.

I regret polygamy more than anything you could imagine.

4 thoughts on “A Husband’s Tale of Polygamy

  1. Ya well.. people who cannot get enough tend to lose it all. Applies to wallstreet traders, gamblers, apparently husbands…

    I know I am probably expected to feel pity with this man.

    Reading this:
    “When I went to medical school my wife worked two jobs to support the family, and she still managed to take care of me and surprise me with little things of love every day.”

    I feel only pity for a wife who was too good for him. Whom he apparently broke. I feel not an ounce of pity for him to be honest. Only for her, for bringing a selfish ***** through medical school, for being broken to the point she never smiles again. What a terrible fate.

  2. This just made me tear up. Wow. I feel so sad for the wife. He literally took the happiness out of her life. I wonder if she would be happier if also was allowed a second husband. I’m so sorry for her. How can you let someone pay for you to become successful and in the end only think of yourself? I’m sorry, I hate the husband. I hate how he could do this to her. How he’s still doing this to her since he did not mention divorcing # 2. In the end it’s still all about him. “Someone should have warned me. I still have my wife, but I lost my best friend when I became polygamous. I lost the thing that was most made me happy in life.” Well what about her? How about how she lost her husband, she lost the love of her life, she lost years spent supporting you, she lost her happiness and she will never get it back. You should’ve warned your wife about what a selfish person you were and are.

  3. I think many men enter polygamy without understanding how it will change their first marriage. In muslim texts, fora et.c. polygyny is portrayed as basically beneficial. The “slight inconvenience and passing sadness” it causes women is described as initial and negligible compared to the benefits to the ummah, to the second wife and to the husband. It’s a brutal awakening for many husbands to find that the pain is not initial but everlasting and what is lost can never be regained. This is one of the reasons I keep this blog. The heinous lies about muslim polygyny being beneficial, acceptable or tolerable must be proven to be just that – despicable falsehoods.

  4. I see one positive in that at least this woman has a husband that understands the damage he did.

    Yes it’s irrepairable, but it must be better than a husband that never gets it.

    True though, he’s still thinking about what he lost, not her.

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