Coping with Polygamy – From Monogamy to Polygamy

Wedding_rings_photo_by_Litho_PrintersI stumbled across a book called Coping with Polygamy – From Monogamy to Polygamy by Umm AbdurRahma. In this book you can find some interesting observations about the psychology of reacting to polygamy. However, pseudo scientific baloney about women and men being emotionally, physically and intellectually different species, and that polygyny is beautiful, a man’s right, divinely ordained and that a woman must submit and will be happy once she realizes that she must enslave herself to her husband and allah, the same ol’ islam bullshit, is also to be found in abundance in the book.

Some time ago, I was told by an islamist woman that my being polyandrous is abominable, while my husband’s being polygynous is beautiful. She wrote: ” To compare that a woman accepts that her husband practices polygamy to a husband who accepts that his wife has sex with another man and commits adultery is to compare apples with oranges. There is no comparison. It is not the same animal. Fiona is (an) enemy to her Muslim husband” This woman, being a brainwashed islamist, can not get it into her head that I am married to my #2 just the same as my #1 is married to his second. That somebody should have beliefs contrary to hers is obviously impossible for her to understand, more so to respect, which of course is symptomatic for the fundamentalist fanatic.

However, her statement made me wonder about what coping with polygamy has been really like for my first husband. Did we react the same? Has the ride to coping been the same?

I asked my husband to read through the description in Umm AbdurRahma’s book of how women cope with polygamy, so we could compare our reactions. Was the fanatic woman right when she said that we are not the same animals, that comparing what I went through with what my husband went through was like comparing apples with oranges? I can tell you, we had an extremely interesting conversation!

Let’s begin with the beginning:

Phase 1 – Depression

Phase 1 is the initial reaction. The woman is flooded with new and intense emotions usually resulting in depression. During this time it is made clear to her that her husband wants, will or has acquired a new wife.

Emotion: Shock – Caused by a violent or sudden emotional disturbance, in this case caused by finding out the husband’s desires.

Effect: The woman may experience a range of emotions and moods, but typically including numbness and disbelief.

Role: Short lived, the woman moves quickly into other more dominant emotions.

Verbal manifestations: How could you do this to me? Why all of a sudden? Why now`You didn’t want this before! What have I done to you? Don’t you love me anymore?

Physical Manifestations: Uncontrollable crying, yelling, hitting, silence (Source: Coping with Polygamy – From Monogamy to Polygamy by Umm AbdurRahma)

Fiona: Yes, I recognize this, shock numbness and disbelief. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, that I was in a sort of glassbauble, and I couldn’t breathe and I could only hear what you were saying from a distance, through the glass. There was a sharp physical pain too. Like I was being racked. I didn’t cry at first, because I simply couldn’t believe it was happening. I was caught in silence instead, I couldn’t speak.

Husband:I knew you would be hurt of course, but I really didn’t know what reaction to expect. I thought you would scream and yell, so when you just went quiet that really scared me. I thought you were having a heart attack first… You scared me really bad initially. I felt like shit for doing this to you, but I had heard so many people say that after a while women adapt and even like polygamy. I just thought I would have to ride through the initial storm. So when there was no storm at first, that scared me.

Husband: My head exploded when you told me. A red explosion of anger and hurt. I just exploded. I ran my fist through one of the cupboard doors in the kitchen. I don’t really remember thinking anything. I had no control over my reaction. And yeah, numbness. And yelling. I remember screaming. And I remember asking ”How could you do this to me?” I couldn’t believe you could have done that to me. I was close to passing out, it felt like all blood left my body.

Fiona: I actually didn’t know what to expect. I mean, in a way I thought you wouldn’t take it as badly as I did, because you had already chosen polygamy. But at the same time, I knew that it would never ever have occurred to you that I might become polygamous too, so I guess I knew really that you would be just as shocked as I had been. The violent reaction with the cupboard door scared me. For just a second I feared you might loose it… But when you started screaming, I knew I didn’t have to be afraid of that. So the screaming actually helped me..

Next, Phase I, step II – To be continued….

Words from a Second Husband

Wedding_rings_photo_by_Litho_PrintersGraham knows I started this blog. He hasn’t read it, but we talk about what I write. A couple of weeks ago I asked him if he wanted to write about being a second husband. He said ok, if I thought anyone would be interested, and if I promised to help him with some of the writing… So here is Graham’s post: 🙂

I fell in love with a wonderful woman. She was strong, funny, intelligent, mysterious, witty, beautiful – and married.

I have never had a relationship with a married woman. I could not envision myself having an affair. But I couldn’t help falling in love with Fiona. She was everything I had hoped for an dreamed of.

When she told me her husband was a polygamous muslim, I was shocked. I couldn’t understand why a woman like her would stay in such a marriage. But as I got to know her more and more I started to understand. Fiona is extremely loyal, and extremely monogamous. Even now, she’s simply monogamous in two marriages.. She would simply never leave when she has promised that she never would. We are very similar in that respect, Fiona and me. It made me love her even more. It also made me see my chance! Why couldn’t we just “marry” too.

At first, I couldn’t really believe I had actually come up with that idea! But, it made sense. We would be able to live together, share a life, commit to each other, have a family, and at the same time I could retain my own life and personal space and I would respect Fiona, her existing marriage and commitments.

So we became common law husband and wife, committed to each other, before we started a relationship. It felt kind of solemn. It was beautiful.

What did it feel like to become polygamous? Well, I didn’t know much about polygamy in islam, except that it was allowed. So I tried to study the rules to find out what I could expect, and what my “rights” were. Since Fiona’s husband is muslim, we were going to have to try and follow muslim rules regarding polygamy, but applied to polandry. Sort of absurd really, thinking about it.. Her husband had established a schedule, and we decided to stick to it. As to money, me and Fiona share all expenses. She has made her husband pay for her maintenance, the same amount of money he spends on his second wife. But me and her share all expenses since we became polygamous on an equal basis. So that’s just fine with me.

Sharing her love, and to know that she was having sex with her other husband too – those were tricky parts. I thought that I had accepted the idea, but the first time she left me, when we had made love and started our life together, and she went back to be with her husband, then it all changed. I had known it would happen, but that’s not the same thing as really going through it. It really is excruciating. I have read other blogs about polygamy and the women there, yeah, only women, talk about this and how painful it is to share your loved one intimately with another spouse. It sure is humbling. And still, I was the one who suggested this in the first place! I have had to quelch my jealousy, my possessiveness and my imagination. A lot of women talk about how this makes you a better person, and in a way I agree. I have had to put Fiona’s best before my own and I have had to learn to suppress negative emotions like jealousy and possessiveness. It really has made me stronger, more self reliant and more able to see things from new perspectives. So now I agree with people who say that polygamy can be good for you even though it’s sometimes complete agony. I find it very strange though that these women in other blogs only find it good for women to be forced to overcome all these negative feelings and learn to share. Being a man I know that our need to come to terms with these emotions is just as great, if not greater since we are generally brought up being even more selfish than women! But I still can’t really think about her being intimate with her other husband, I try to shut down whenever my mind goes off in that direction…

Another thing that’s been hard is that she sometimes brings problems from her other marriage here. She might be in a bad mood when she comes home, sad, upset or angry because of the situation with her other husband. Sometimes, I try not to let her know I notice, just give her time to come around. Sometimes I have asked, and we have talked about things that have happened. But, and I find it difficult to write this here on her blog, I really don’t want to talk about her other marriage. I want to be her best friend, I want to be able to be there for her, but I’m simply not strong enough to help her solve her problems with her other husband. I haven’t been able to suppress my own needs enough to be able to do that. I don’t want her other marriage to be a part of ours. You can call me a bastard for not being there for her in everything, but I just can’t cope with this. I can’t be expected to help make her relationship with another man better, that’s how I see it.

Most of the time she doesn’t want to talk about it anyway, so that’s good. I have told her I’d rather not have her talk about her other marriage with me. I think that’s best for all of us. I wouldn’t really like it if we had issues, and I knew she was discussing it with her other husband…We have all agreed to keep our marriages apart and respect each other’s privacy. I think this is really important if you want polygamy to work. Sometimes I get really angry when she does things like put sugar in my coffee. I don’t take sugar, but her other husband does… Or when she talks about something we did, and suddenly she realizes she didn’t do it with me but with him.. Or when she gets texts from him and reads them while she’s sitting with my arms around her in the sofa… She tries not to do that kind of thing, I know, but sometimes it just happens and it still gets to me. I think it’s important to talk about it, and I know she tries to respect the way I feel and she does everything she can not to hurt me or make me jealous.

I don’t know her other husband. We have met a couple of times, and mostly we have been civil but we have kept our distance. A couple of times we have had to clear up some misunderstandings between us, but I really just want to keep him out of my life, and the life I have with Fiona. Nothing good seems to come out of us interacting, so we have settled in to not communicating except when necessary. When their marriage disturbs mine, I talk to Fiona about it. She’s the one who’s married to him – not me! I have to admit, I don’t really like him. We are very different, and he’s not the kind I would take to had I met him under different circumstances either…

When Fiona’s coming home I feel happy. I always miss her, and I try to show her that. I like to be a bit romantic, make her feel welcome home. I don’t jump all over her the way the dogs do, but not far from it. I think polygamy keeps the romance in a relationship. We get to miss each other and long for each other, we still have an element of chase and competition in the marriage, I feel like I’m still in a way courting her. Polygamy keeps you a bit on edge, maybe that’s why people find it stressful and exciting at the same time.

Would I want Fiona all to my self? Yeah. I would. But I think we would have a different kind of marriage then, and maybe some of the excitement, some of the romance would be lost? I don’t know.

I know I love her now, I know we are happy now.

I am Up and my Co-wife is Down…

Blausternchen_2When I look out of my bedroom window in the morning, the garden is intensely blue.

The scillas are making the lawn reflect the spring blue sky, and beyond are the rolling hills.

I am so happy we found this house, and I am so happy to be living in it with Graham.

Today, we’re going to an auction. The furniture I inherited from my parents and my brother is mostly too grand and too period to fit into this house. I want to take a few period pieces here, but we want some new furniture as well, and some local craft.

We’ve packed a picnic and are off in a few minutes.

I got an e-mail from my husband this morning. He said he misses me, that he wants me, and that I should prepare for a lovely surprise. Hm, made me curious… 😉

And the e-mail – do I sense that his #2 has objected to his calling me and texting me every day? 😀

Islamophobia and Islam Bashing

Source: Wikimedia Commons, By: Rawa77

Source: Wikimedia Commons, By: Rawa77

Here’s what I find curious.

Whoever dares criticize any aspect of islam or it’s prophets, muslims, or any one muslim,  will automatically be called an islamophobic or an islam basher.

If anybody should mention the fact that little girls are married off and raped by old men in countries like Saudi Arabia and Yemen – it’s islam bashing. If anybody dare object to women being beaten by police because a strand of their hair has escaped from the hijab – it’s islam bashing. If anybody questions the moral of a man being allowed to marry a second, third and fourth wife without even telling his first wife about it – it’s islam bashing. Are you against stonings? Sorry – you’re an islam basher. Did you disapprove when a little girl was shot in the head by islamists because she had the audacity to want to go to school? That means you’re an islamophobic. Did you mind when islamic police forced little girls back into a burning building to burn to death because they weren’t wearing niqabs? Gee – you really are an islam basher!

I won’t even mention terrorism and suicide bombers.

Or if anybody should mention, or criticize, that Muhammad fucked a 9 year old girl – they of course are prophet haters and islam bashers. The fact that he did fuck a 9 year old girl is not really disputed, you are just not allowed to talk about it. The brainwashed will say “There they go again on the islam bashing Muhammad fucked a 9 year old-theme” and shrug. That it’s true seems to be of no consequence – but talking about it is islam bashing.

The hypocrisy is sickening.

I object to many of the practices of the Ku Klux Klan – does that make me a christianity basher?

I disapprove of the criminal acts of Charles Manson e.g. – does that make me a mansonophobic?

I find the live burning of widows a repulsive custom – does that mean I am a hindu basher?

No, of course not. Only islam should be exempt from criticism, only questioning customs and aspects of islam automatically turns a person into a basher.

Again: The hypocrisy is nauseating.

Ps: NO – she wasn’t 15, 16 or 18… Stop lying, I know it’s allowed in islam but to the rest of us it’s offensive!

Sahih Muslim Book 008, Number 3310:
‘A’isha (Allah be pleased with her) reported: Allah’s Apostle (may peace be upon him) married me when I was six years old, and I was admitted to his house when I was nine years old.

Sahih Bukhari Volume 7, Book 62, Number 64
Narrated ‘Aisha:
that the Prophet married her when she was six years old and he consummated his marriage when she was nine years old, and then she remained with him for nine years (i.e., till his death).

Sahih Bukhari Volume 7, Book 62, Number 65
Narrated ‘Aisha:
that the Prophet married her when she was six years old and he consummated his marriage when she was nine years old. Hisham said: I have been informed that ‘Aisha remained with the Prophet for nine years (i.e. till his death).” what you know of the Quran (by heart)’

Sahih Bukhari Volume 7, Book 62, Number 88 
Narrated ‘Ursa:
The Prophet wrote the (marriage contract) with ‘Aisha while she was six years old and consummated his marriage with her while she was nine years old and she remained with him for nine years (i.e. till his death).

Marry Men of your Choice, Two or Three or Four or Five

My best friend and her husband have come to spend the day, help out with the barn, cook something nice.. Graham and her husband are out in the toolshed, me and Mel are fixing coffee. I have been telling her all about my husband and his #2’s visa problems. It’s so nice to be able to laugh about it, to talk it through with someone I trust completely, someone who is also able to come up with even more vicious jokes about Bimbo than I am.. 😉

Mel has known my husband almost as long as I have. She loves him dearly. She also loves Graham, and considers me fortunate to have found a man like him. She never had any problems with me becoming polyandrous, she just wanted me to be happy.

We both agree, women are more suited to be polygamous than men are. Men can’t organize, men are weak and feeble, they surrender their wits to their desires without thought, they are really in bad need of a maintainer and guardian. Biologically also, a woman can satisfy the needs of at least 4 men every night, while men will find it completely impossible to keep that up..! 🙂

And we are all aware, in situations like these, everybody knows the best thing would be for her to marry both of them, so they can live happily ever after..

I sent a text to my husband, telling him how much I love him. Now, we’ll take the coffee out to the barn and join Mel’s husband and Graham.

 

Can I Allow my Husband, who has become Muslim, to become Polygamous and Force me to Raise our Children as Muslims? Q&A

Question: My husband, like yours, was raised in Europe because his mother is European. His father is arab. When I met my husband he was an atheist, he didn’t believe in any special religion, but he said he believed in God. I am Roman Catholic, and my faith and belonging to the one true Church is extremely important to me. He respected that and admired it and said he would consider becoming catholic. He asked me to marry him.

For a little more than 6 months we went to my church to talk to a priest every week. Since I am RC, I can never divorce, divorce simply doesn’t exist to our church, nobody can divorce, ever. My husband needed to understand that and promise he respected that. In catholicism marriage is sacred, it’s a sacrament, like the communion or confession. It’s a holy oath to God as well as the spouse, and can never be broken. My husband respected that. He promised never to go against the sanctity of marriage, he promised before the priest. He also promised that I would be allowed to bring up our children catholic.

So we got a dispensation and were married. We have been very happy. Now we have a 4-year old son and a 2-year old daughter. My husband converted to catholicism 6 months after the wedding. I have been very happy.

4 months ago suddenly he came home and said he had become muslim. He said he wanted to reconnect to his culture and that he thought becoming muslim felt right. Since then, he has started to go back on the promises he gave me. He’s been talking about wanting me to wear a headscarf. I refuse. He says we have to bring our children up muslim. I refuse. He says that being the man, he is the one to make those decisions. I say that a promise before God is a promise before God, whatever religion you are, and him being a man has nothing to do with it.

Now, he says he will be marrying another woman next week. He says he can do that. I said not in Spain you can’t, because bigamy is against the law. He says he will marry in the mosque and that it is legal because it will only be a religious marriage, not a legal marriage. He says a new wife will help him live islamically and will help raise the children muslims.

I think I am going to die. I don’t know what to do. I love my husband. I am crushed. I can not allow him to bring up our children in islam. I can not have a daughter in headscarf, I can not have a marriage when my husband breaks the sanctity of marriage by being a bigamist. I will go to hell if I allow this to happen. But if I leave my husband, I will still be married to him forever. I can never be with another man again in my entire life. I will be alone for the rest of my life. Married to him while he is married to other women. I don’t know what to do. Help me. I am destroyed. You seem to be so strong, have you any advice?

Answer: I can’t believe what he is doing to you. Does he realize what this is doing to you? I wish I could help you. I don’t understand how a husband can suddenly turn into a monster the way you describe.

As I see it, you have to leave him. Now. Right now. Take the kids and go! Do you have family there? Go to them. A smart thing might be to first talk about the things you mention above, the second marriage and his intent to become a bigamist. If you can have him talk about his rights over you as a man that would be good. And – record it all. That way, you will be able to prove he’s an unfit father, and you can keep the children. Especially if you can make him say that he wants to take the children from you by force to have his second “wife” bring them up islamically…

So my advice is: GO! Take the children and run!

One thing: If he contacts you once you have left and promises to change, promises to skip becoming polygamous, and allow you to raise the children RC – Don’t believe him! In islam, men are allowed to lie to their wives in order to keep them happy. In islam men are allowed to take their kids from their mothers. If your husband takes the children to his father’s country you will never see them again.

So take the children today and run and hide! And get yourself a lawyer. Make sure your husband is never allowed to be alone with the children again.

A Husband should be Devoutly Obedient, Tend to his Wife’s Wishes and be a Source of Calm and Pleasure to Her.

Jacuzzi_Family_Vineyard_Olive_PressGraham has been working from home today, so we’ve been able to spend the entire day together.

He was doing numbers, and I was working on the lecture I’m delivering in Paris. We’ve been trying to work, but we’ve been giggly all day, giving each other stupid suggestions to “help out”, and finally we decided to give up and continue working on the barn conversion instead. We have begun to lime wash the walls, and after a while we were both splattered with white paint.

So, we have just spent some time in the outdoor jacuzzi, freshening up and making love. Now, I’m in my onepiece, watching Graham preparing the mussels we’re having for dinner later.

Graham is an extremely careful and considerate lover. He concentrates completely on me, and is so tender and so loving. I wonder how I’d react if he wanted to become polygamous too? Honestly, if you would want for your sister what you want for yourself – I would wish for every woman to have a husband like Graham… 😉 But, I admit, I really really wouldn’t want to share him with anybody. Ever.

I had a quick talk with my husband yesterday. I said everything is fine, and I wished him a good night. He said he missed me, and then he said “I love you, I love you so much”. I had heard his #2’s voice in the background earlier, so obviously she was around. Well, their dump is so small, I suppose it’s unavoidable.

We have agreed on texting rather than calling when we are with the other partner. And if we have to call, we have agreed never to talk about intimacies or use words of endearment, because we want to spare our partner’s feelings. So, my husband was obviously not following our agreement. He was talking love with me, and he was doing it with his #2 listening.

Obviously, he wanted me to answer him and say I love him too. Perhaps, he thought Graham was listening. Since Graham was in the shower, I could easily have answered “I love you too”, but I didn’t. I just said “I know” , then I said goodnight.

It’s funny. My husband is doing all the things prejudiced people are claiming are typical female things. Just goes to show that actions and reactions are human, not male or female. Men are just as needy, jealous, dependent, petty and manipulative as women – but since men are usually in power it doesn’t show. Not until we force them into submission. 🙂

My Husband’s Turn to Fear Being the Lonely Spouse

Looking_down_on_the_Chilterns_(79419548)When I came home to the Chilterns this morning, Graham had already left for work.

I have missed him so much! I put one of his old sweaters on. It smells of him, and it has kept me warm all day. It’s been a lovely day today, I was even able to have coffee outside, and stay in the sun for an hour without getting cold. The house feels cold though, old stone houses don’t warm up easily, so I still have a fire going in the burner.

When Graham came home, I had prepared a picnic for us in the coach house. It was all snug and romantic, and making love in the coach house made me feel a bit like a character in a D H Lawrence novel.. 😉

We’ve decided to go for a walk, as soon as Graham has finished doing the dishes. The dogs are absolutely desperate to go running in the meadows, chasing rabbits and birds.

Before I left this morning, after we made love, my husband asked me to call him tonight, just to say good night. Normally we just text each other, to spare our #2:s having to listen to conversations between us, but tonight my husband wanted me to call. He said he needed to hear my voice. He has started to compete, to play the manipulative games of a second spouse…

I’ll call him when Graham is in the bathroom.

The Calm Before the Storm?

French_KissMy husband woke me up this morning to make love, and then he brought us breakfast in bed. Hazelnut coffee, the kind I love.

We read the Guardian and discussed the pros and cons of making English the official language.. (As someone once said, there is actually no need to protect the language of Shakespeare! =) )

My husband left for work. I’ve been busy all day preparing some new lectures. I’ve been enjoying the silence, the calm in the house and in my marriage. I am well aware however that the calm is superficial – there are storms building up underneath.

All of us are uncertain, of each other and of the future.

I know, in the end, I’ll be able to take whatever comes my way.

I am very happy however, not to be moving to a hostile, sick and elderly aunt of my polygamous husband. An uncertain existence as an unwanted second wife in a family that resents me does not seem to me to be an enviable future…

The thought of her there, in Oman, not being able to see my husband for more than 4 weeks per annum, tops, is – I must admit – simply delightful… 😉

“If Polygamy is Awesome, how come Polygamous Societies Suck so Much?”

421px-January_1945_Cover_of_Speed_AdventureThe headline is a quote from a very interesting article by Razib Khan. You can find the article here

To me, who have been forced into close encounter with the misogyny of islam, the abuse and denial of humans rights, (islam being the cult responsible for most of the polygamous cultures in the world), the truth is obvious: Any ideology that awards one group of people rights, be it men, arians or free people, at the expense of another group, be it women, jews or slaves, creates a society of fear, pain, suffering, abuse, violence, rape and evil.

History has provided us with ample empirical proof of this.

A man who is given power over another person will use that power, and will enjoy doing it. A man, given the rights to torture and abuse and rape by society, religion and law, will torture, abuse and rape. Islam is really just The Stanford Prison Experiment put into IRL practice.

And, just like in the Stanford Experiment the prisoners turned on each other, helped their tormentors to keep the oppressive system intact, mechanisms in islam turn women into the inner enemy, fighting each other to try to get ahead. Polygyny is the perfect example of what a religious Stanford Experiment looks like in real life.