Daddy’s Allowed

Kiki%27s_and_daddy%27s_hand%28s%29My son came to see me and Graham yesterday. We’re in the Chilterns and we will be spending easter there.

My son had some marvellous news! He has met a girl at university, a law student, and he wants to bring her home on saturday for dinner, to introduce her to me and Graham. He says she’s extremely nice, smart and funny. Sounds good!

I am so happy – and curious… 😉

But…!!

My son had me sitting down before he went on. Then he said:

“I’ve told her my father’s dead. I told her he killed himself.

To me, I’m not lying, mummy. You see, my father is dead. The father I had chose to take his own life by giving his life with us up, knowingly stabbing us in the heart and giving up on me, on us and being such a sick sociopath that he had actually managed to make himself believe that we’d forgive him. He killed himself. By giving his children up. By choosing to fuck a teenager instead of being a father to me and my sister, and being a husband to you. He just killed himself, do you see mom? You know when he said to me that what he did wasn’t bad, that “daddy’s allowed” – he just died, see? And if I ever have children, that’s what I am going to tell them too – that my father committed suicide in 2010.

The only way I am able to even think about him is to consider him dead.

Ok? So that’s what I have told this girl.

My father committed suicide in 2010.”

I love my son so much. I’m happy I can put my arms around him.

I can understand men who give up half their lives with their wives to take on a second wife.

I can never understand men who give up half their lives with their children. Men who believe that they are the ones who decide if “daddy’s allowed”. In the end, they have no say in the matter. My husband, who is still hoping for a reconciliation with our son, has no idea that to him he is dead. That he committed suicide Nov 5 2010 by taking a second wife.

2 thoughts on “Daddy’s Allowed

  1. I have so much respect for your son. I know you see it differently now – you mentioned you hoped one day they would be able to rekindle their relationship – but this is exactly how I feel when I imagine this situation brought upon myself by my own father. I swear I imagined it, and had the exact same thoughts as your son seems to have before reading this entry. I think he is acting with self-respect and strength. If he will ever change his mind, that will of course be his decision to make. But for now I admire his strenght in character, and his refusal to let his father step over him (and the family).

  2. My son is a remarkable young man. I am so proud of him, and I can understand his reaction completely. It does sadden me however that they have lost this relationship, this love between them, and both are the poorer for it. I hope some day they will be able to reconnect. But Mark understands it must be on our son’s terms. Mark has lost all rights to make any kind of demands on our son.

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