Who hurts the most? Q&A

Question:Hello, and thank you for an interesting blog. I am muslim and I do not agree with a lot of the things you state here, but I learn from your story anyway. I agree with you that polygamy should be consensual. That’s the thing I do not like about polygamy in islam. If only it is consensual I am fine with it. I can not understand how anyone would do polygamy to his wife if it almost kills her the way many women describe. So I wanted to ask you, since you are in the rare position to have experienced both muslim polygamy and your own polygamy – who do you think hurts the most? Was the hurt worse for you, when your husband suddenly after so many years landed you in polygamy against your will, and against your culture? Or was the hurt worse for your husband when you landed him in polygamy against his will and against his culture? Thank you

Answer: Hello, and welcome to Polygamy 911. Thank you for a very interesting, and difficult, question.

I do believe, having reflected on it after recieving your question, that the hurt was just as bad for both of us. For me it was a bomb, a devastating, humiliating pain. My life was in ruins, and the rest of my life turned into a vision of neverending pain, humiliation, disgust and anger. I had never, ever, considered that polygamy would enter my life, before my husband just dropped it on me. I can’t begin to describe the pain. And knowing that the pain would never ever go away – on a four day schedule I would have to live with making love with a husband who just came from another woman’s bed. I would have to say goodbye every four days, for the rest of my life, knowing he would go to her, share secrets with her, rest with her, laugh with her, make love to her… I can’t explain just how painful it is.

But I do believe it was just as painful to my husband. the thought of MY becoming polygamous had surely NEVER entered his mind, so he was equally devastated, hurt, humiliated and shocked. The realization that he would spend the rest of his life making love to a wife who just came from another man’s bed, that he would be saying goodbye every four days, for the rest of his life, knowing I would go to him, share secrets with him, rest with him, laugh with him, make love to him – the hurt was exactly the same, the pain was the same.

One of the bogus claims one encounters reading about polygamy is that men and women would be different when it comes to possessiveness, jealousy, sexual behaviour and ability to compartmentalize. That is all crap! I can tell you! The only real difference is that culture allows men to behave in a way that causes women to experience all these negative feelings, while women are not allowed anything but being obediant, chaste and submissive.

I can tell you – if all the men of the world were chaste, obedient and submissive we would have more happy marriages and no more war…. 😉

So, the answer is: Both hurt the most.

6 thoughts on “Who hurts the most? Q&A

  1. Of course it is, since ego means self. It’s your self that hurts. But in many cultures women are supposed to have no self, or sense of self, that’s the rule behind cultures that allow polygyny but not polyandry e.g. Men are allowed to have self, women are not. I can never accept that. Democratic nations and peoples can never accept that. That’s why gender equal consensual polygamy is beautiful. Polygyny is a crime against humanity.
    Welcome to Polygamy 911! I hope to hear more from you.

  2. Is there a possibility ego can be removed from Self? I think it’s up to the person. Humans have free will, I’m not sure that Polygyny is a crime against humanity. For example, a man married to a woman who can’t have child or can’t have more children and the man wants more but doesn’t want to divorce the first wife, then it is unfair for a man just stick to one woman who can’t give him more children. Men and women can’t be equal because men can’t be pregnant, we do have different roles. It’s not even a belief in Christianity that a married woman can have another man. Thanks for sharing your point, I understand and respect your opinion. All the best!

  3. Thank you for commenting! Well, if it’s the man who can’t have children, would you agree to the woman taking on a second husband? If you do, I applaud you. I agree that a man who wants more children should be able to take on a second wife if the first wife can’t have kids and the first wife agrees to this, BUT ONLY if the man would agree to his first wife taking a second husband if she wants more kids and the first husband can’t give her any. Do you agree?

    I should tell you too that I am not christian. I am an agnostic.

    I don’t believe we have different roles. When I was pregnant I worked until 2 days before giving birth. I stayed home for 14 days with both our children, my husband stayed home for 2,5 years. Being pregnant has nothing to do with not being equal, that’s just old tribal thoughts connected to pre-industrial society. Well there is a difference in intelligence and education between men and women. And in criminality. So since women today are better educated and have higher average IQ while men all over the world overcrowd the prisons, I suppose you are right in a way, we aren’t equal. But all that tells me is that women should be the guardians of men.

    As for self, there is a simple rule that exists in all religions: Don’t do to another person what you would not have that person do to you. That rule must apply to polygamy too. Don’t do to your wife what you would not have her do to you.

    Simple as that. 🙂

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