Polygamy hypocrisy – My Story Part 3

 

When I first found out that my husband had taken another “wife” my reaction was to leave him – asap. The concept of polygamy simply didn’t exist in my world. I can tell you honestly that all through our marriage up to that moment I had never looked at another man, never thought of wanting anyone but my husband, never lent a thought to being able to feel anything for anybody but my husband. I was a monogamous person, flesh and bone. As I told you, I went totally berserk when my husband told me he had “married” again, that he claimed it was his “right” and that he actually expected me to suck it up. The day when he left for work and told me he wouldn’t be coming home but start a 4 day schedule, I told him I wouldn’t be there when he got back. He said he loved me, that nothing could change that, that we still had everything that was precious – our life together, our kids, our shared experiences, and that he didn’t want to give that up and he thought I didn’t want that either.

Ok, so I cried my heart out, had fits all by myself, packed and unpacked. I so didn’t want to give up on my marriage, I thought maybe it’s just a midlife-crisis, maybe everything will go back to normal. But as time passed I started to realize that wasn’t going to happen. When he came back, the screaming and crying started again, he slept in one of the spare rooms, the pain was unbelievable. I forced him to tell our children. They just couldn’t believe it at first. Then they told him they hated him, that he wasn’t their dad any more. They refused to meet his girlfriend. They still haven’t forgiven him. I think I have, most of the time, but it still hurts to think about this.

Anyway, I tried to find something meaningful to do with the half of my life that he had rejected. One of the things I did was I started taking eveningclasses in business and management. And there I met a man.

He’s a couple of years younger than me. He’s a computer engineer and he was starting up his own business. It took a while before I realized he was attracted to me. Was I feeling vindictive? Did I want to get back at my husband? Well, maybe that was part of it at first, I’m not really sure. I do know that it took a lot of time connecting, talking and getting to know one another before I understood that I was getting emotionally involved with this man. When it dawned on me that I was falling in love, I told him all about my marriage, and the fact that I was still hoping my husband would decide to come back to me full time. He said he understood, but that he couldn’t help loving me.

So, it happened. And I felt a bit guilty, but not as guilty as I would have expected. I didn’t take anything from my husband. He had taken half the rest of my life, and thrown it away. He had stolen my life as I knew it from me. He had destroyed our monogamous love, and turned it into something else. He made me polygamous, not I. This man chose me, when my husband had chosen someone else. We took nothing from my husband. Actually, it was finding love again that brought me back to my husband. By feeling fulfilled, by getting back my sense of self, by being happy again, I was able to forgive my husband. A week after I first made love to my new partner was the first time I was able to let my husband back in my bedroom. I know it hurt my husband when he realized, but I think that now he has understood that our current happiness, or the existence of our marriage at all, is due to my becoming polygamous too. (When I told my husband about my partner I tried to remind him about all the times when he had told me that love is about sharing, one should want for ones neighbour what one wants for oneself, exclusiveness is selfishness et.c. and he screamed to me: “I meant YOU!! YOU should share, YOU shouldn’t be selfish, I wasn’t talking about ME!!!”)

8 thoughts on “Polygamy hypocrisy – My Story Part 3

  1. Thank you for this blog!

    Almost the same thing happened to me. My hubs came home one day and told me he was going to take a second wife. He thought i’d just take it. I threw his things out on the lawn and filed for divorce! These muslim men who think they are gods chosen people on earth and that god has given them rights above everybody else sure make me p*ssed. But the women who take it are even worse! I’m so happy to have found this blog, and i’m looking forward to hearing more of your story.

  2. Thank you for commenting, and welcome to Polygamy911! I believe polygamy can be a beautiful way of life – but only if it’s consensual and based on equality. I believe in polygamy – not polygyny! I hope everything is ok with you now, and that you’ll come back and share more of your story.

  3. I’ve been reading through your blog… I love this post! πŸ˜€ I think you are amazing πŸ™‚
    At first, I was a bit taken aback.
    But then I read how you handled it all- hats off to you!
    I predict he will get tired of #2, and leave.
    I can’t wait to read about that!

  4. Hello and welcome to Polygamy 911! I’m glad you want to share my story, and also that you liked this post. Sometimes I wonder how forthright I can be without offending people too much, but I mean, this is my life, and hey, what’s the use writing about it if I’m not truthful? But it makes me very happy if what I write can be of value to someone else. So thanks ever so much for your comment. I don’t know about my husband leaving #2 though. The price for having her has been too high to give her up lightly. But then again, there IS something fishy going on, has been for weeks now. I don’t know what just yet. My husband is careful what he lets me know about #2 since he knows I am likely to use any information I get against her, if I can. I will let you know what happens, I promise.. πŸ˜‰ Looking forward to hearing from you again!

  5. Yes, it’s your life, your choice and you are obviously intelligent and Strong willed. Even if I don’t understand your choices, I respect me, because they are choices. It’s when polygamy isn’t a choice, i have a problem. Why don’t we see any Christian women posting about polygamy?

  6. I have been wondering about that too! The vast majority of people writing about their lives in polygamy are muslim women. I have found a couple of blogs written by polygamous muslim men. These are not really about living polygamy though, they are mostly about why men have a right to have more than one wife, what women should do to make their husbands happy and why men should be the guardians of women and why women must submit to this…. I believe I have stumbled across one, maybe two blogs by mormon women living polygamy, and one by a mormon man. I would really like to hear more stories from other women, especially women who have decided to not just bite the bullet. And, I would very much like to hear more from men. What does polygamy look like to them. I will never ever understand the men who live happy married lives, and decide to become polygamous against the wishes of their wives, whatever pain they cause their first wives… I keep coming back to that with my own husband… I have actually asked Graham to write a post about being a second husband. He’s working on it now… πŸ™‚ If you would like to contact me, my e-mail is norfolkfionaatmaildotcom!(I’m writing the address to keep from getting spammed..)

  7. I am curious: Does Bimbo know about your second husband? If yes, do you know how she reacted to it?

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