Polygamy is Not a Threesome

ThreeringsEach marriage is separate and unique.

I am my husbands’ wife. They are both, separately, married to me. My husbands are not polygamous, they both have monogamous marriages with me.

I try never to take anything with me from one marriage to the other. It’s difficult.

If I have had a conflict with one husband, it’s difficult to completely shut the door on it, and the bad temper, when I go to the other husband. If I’m worried about one husband, it’s difficult to hide it from the other.

Mark is having problems right now with the concern and worry I feel over Graham, what with the stroke and the depression and everything. And Graham is hurting over how our intimate life together has been disrupted by the stroke, and by his medicines. He’s jealous, and it adds to the depression.

Suddenly, I feel the urge to have my husbands talk this out together. Find the way back to seeing each other as friends, not as rivals. But they don’t want that.

They both say polygamy is my problem. I’m polygamous, they’re not.

Privacy in Polygamy

1013483_354648064665525_279483948_nSo, we decided after Graham’s stroke that he’d better stay in one of the guest rooms in the big house for a month or so. I don’t want him to be alone, especially at night, and Mark agreed.

In a way, it’s really nice to have both my husbands together. I can speak to both at the same time, we can agree on things directly instead of me always having to be the mediator, Tamsin LOVES having us all together – and Graham and Mark enjoy watching rugger together and cooking together.

But – and this is a big but -we are having big privacy issues.

Yesterday when I was in the kitchen with Mark we were laughing and joking together over some silly looking carrots when Graham came in. I felt myself blushing over the double entendre of the jokes I realized Graham must have heard. I could see that both Mark and Graham were uncomfortable too.

And the other day, Mark and Graham were watching TV and Tamsin was already asleep. When she’s around, everything is easier somehow. Now when I came into the room I found myself wondering: where do I sit? With Graham because it’s his day? Or with Mark because the white sofa is bigger? And I stood there hesitating until both of them realized what the problem was and it all turned silently awkward. And I have had to make a habit out of always going to bed early. That way I can go to the right bedroom and the husband whose night it is can join me there later. Because getting up together and leaving towards the bedroom while saying goodnight to the husband who is “off” is simply too darn hurtful.

And I can’t spontaneously hug or kiss my husbands – I always have to look over the shoulder first.

And now I’ve noticed that Graham isn’t feeling well. Well, physically he’s doing great. But this thing has made him realize that he is mortal, and he’s obsessing over dying while Tamsin still needs him.

So, I’m looking forward to next weekend when Graham is moving back to the annex.

Polygamy isn’t about being one big happy family. No way. I’t about having different, separate families. Or at least separate marriages.

Shock

ThreeringsGraham had a stroke.

It’s still difficult to write the words, even though it’s more than a week ago, and we know by now that he is going to be ok. It was only a grade 2 stroke, and he’ll be just fine.

But I’ve been so scared.

If I had lost him, life would have lost all luster. Oh my god.

They called me, and told me he was rushed to hospital. I was with Mark and he took me to hospital and I was so glad that he was there. We did this together, got through this together. Two nights ago I came into Graham’s room with three cups of coffee, just in time to hear Mark tell Graham that he had never realized before how important Graham is to him. That he is so happy to have him in his life.

How to Manage Polygamy? Q&A

ThreeringsI get a lot of email, asking questions about the practical everyday aspects of polygamy. I have collected some of the most common questions here.

  1. Do you love one of your husbands more than the other?

Yes. But not always the same husband. There are ups and downs in every marriage I believe. In polygamy, there seems to be some kind of natural law that when one husband is happy, the other one is not. And so I tend to love the happy husband more than the unhappy husband. I know it sounds awful, but polygamy is really hard work, so coming home to a bitter and resentful husband just bugs me.

2. Do you ever have sex with both your husbands on the same day?

Yes. It happens on most change over days actually. The husband I’m about to leave is often eager to have sex because he knows I’ll be gone for 3 days. And the husband I go to is happy to see me again:) So yes, it happens all the time. And no, it doesn’t make me feel dirty. It makes me feel happy and loved and fulfilled. And it’s an obvious sign that women are better suited to be polygamous than men, since I have no problem having sex twice a day, while most men simply wouldn’t be physically able to.

3. Do you compare your husbands?

Yes. All the time. There’s simply no avoiding it. When Graham laughs at a joke, I think “Mark wouldn’t have found that funny” When I see a film I think “I should have seen it with Mark, he would have liked it better” When I serve coffee, I think “Right…so Graham wants it black”. I compare the way they smile, the way they frown, the way they scold me. And yes, I compare them in bed. It is the most special and intimate part of marriage, so of course I compare. Don’t ever believe a polygamous man who says he doesn’t!

4. Can you be just and fair?

No. I can’t. I have tried my damndest, but it’s simply not possible. When both of them need me, I have to fail one. When I turn to one to give him a smile, I turn my back on the other. When I have to go away on business, I always end up hurting one of them because the schedule alters and upsets plans. My children love Graham and avoid Mark, so in order to spend time with my children, I have to favour Graham on holidays e.g. When I try to be fair by giving them both the same present, one of them loves it and the other one doesn’t. When I try to be fair by giving them different presents, they both feel they got the short end of the stick. There is simply no way to be just and fair. But to me, that’s just life. To a muslim man, it means going to hell:) So again – it’s obvious Western women are made to be polygamous if they choose – muslim men aren’t.

5. Do you ever lie to your husbands, or can you be honest in polygamy?

I lie to them all the time. Every day when they ask me trivial things like “Isn’t this the best Rogan Josh you’ve had in ages” (No, the one I had with Mark last week was way better) “Do you even remember when you laughed as much”? (Yes, yesterday with Graham), “I bought you some tulips, I suppose you were longing for the first spring tulips?” (No, my other husband bought me some already) and so on. But worse than that – I have to lie when they spontaneously ask me things like after sex “Don’t you wish we could just stay like this forever” (No, because I want to be intimate with my other husband just as much). Yes, I lie to them constantly. The day you lose your spouse to polygamy, is also the day you lose the spouse you can trust, who will tell you the truth. If your spouse is polygamous you simply have to choose: be lied to or stop all kind of communication except about the weather or Jo Brand’s new hair.

6. Do you regret polygamy?

No, I don’t. Polygamy gave me Tamsin, my beautiful daughter. And Graham, whom I love with all my heart. But I can honestly say, that if I were the one who had chosen polygamy, I would never have been able to live with myself seeing the pain and suffering polygamy has caused my husbands. I would have killed myself, or died from shame and regret. But as it is, polygyny was forced on me, which meant polygamy became the only option for me to have a complete life. So Mark chose polygamy, and he has had to live with the consequences. That’s what made it possible for me to hold on to polygamy without letting his pain and suffering kill me. And Graham chose polygamy. So his pain hasn’t been all my fault either. But it hurts to see him suffer. Because honestly – there is no polygamy without pain and suffering. How men who choose polygyny, knowing their wives don’t have the same possibility, can live with themselves I simply cannot fathom. But of course, how anybody could buy a slave is beyond me too, still people do it. Anyway, knowing first hand how evil the pain and hurt is, I know there’s a special place in hell for polygynous men.

7. What do you love most about polygamy?

Being loved by two wonderful men. Having children with two wonderful men.

8. Would you recommend polyandry to other women?

Yes. If you’re strong and intelligent, and extremely well organized. And if both ( or more I suppose) men are willing. Nobody should ever force or coax an unwilling, reluctant or even hesitant spouse into a polygamous relationship. Ever. If there is the least doubt – don’t.

9. Do you have rules about phone calls, texts, e-mails etc on the other husband’s night?

Yes. No texts or phone calls unless absolutely necessary. Privacy is crucial. Only emergency calls are allowed. But I try to slip away so I can pay a short visit to the husband I won’t stay the night with (Mark lives in the house, Graham lives in the annex) and I always send a good night text.

10 How do you solve conflicts between your husbands?

I simply tell them I don’t accept any conflicts. There was a lot of back stabbing, manipulation and that kind of thing going on when I first married Graham. But I never allowed myself to be manipulated. I just kept to the ground rules. And most of the time, they managed to work things out between them without my help. Now, there aren’t any major conflicts any more.

The Prophet Muhammad was 90% Single

wives7A muslim man described himself as “75% single”. This of course is an arrogant joke, based on the fact that a muslim man might claim that he as a right to marry four wives, so if he is only married to one wife he is 75% single.

Is it funny?

When the prophet Muhammad was married to Khadija RA – do you think he would have said he was 90% single (or there abouts, since the prophet was married to a whole bunch of women)? Do you think he would have appreciated being described as 90% single when he was in a monogamous marriage? Do you think he would have considered it respectful and considerate towards his wife Khadija?

How can a muslim man who claims to be religious joke in a way that disrespects Khadija RA, Muhammad and islamic marriage?

The only answer I can come up with is: Because he doesn’t bother about islam, the prophet or the mother of the believers. Nor obviously about respecting and caring for his wife. He only cares about his “godgiven” right as a male to hoard and hurt women.

Because Allah has Made Some of Them Excel Others

White people have authority over coloured people, by [right of] what Allah has given one over the other and what they spend [for maintenance] from their wealth. So righteous coloured people are devoutly obedient, guarding in the white people’s absence what Allah would have them guard. But those coloureds from whom you fear arrogance – [first] advise them; [then if they persist], forsake them in bed; and [finally], beat them. But if they obey you [once more], seek no means against them. Indeed, Allah is ever Exalted and Grand.

Since coloured people are to obey their spouses, coloured people are only allowed to marry white people. White people are the leaders and guardians of coloured people, since they are weak in reason and religion. This is in the best interest of coloured people and a heavy burden on white people.

maleslave

Coloured people are only allowed to work if their white spouses give permission. The white spouse must provide for and protect the coloured partner, and hence has a right to prevent the coloured spose from having a job, or even leaving the house, or receiving friends at home. The white spouse also has a right to forbid the coloured partner from speaking to people on the phone or using the internet. This is in order to protect coloured people from harm.

A white person has a right to marry up to four people, coloured or white. Coloured people are only allowed to marry one spouse, and this spouse must be white since coloured people must be lead and protected by white people. A baby born to a mixed couple is coloured. White people can marry up to four coloured people, and they don’t need permission from former spouses, nor need they inform them of subsequent marriages.

White people can divorce by simply uttering words to that effect. Coloured people are not allowed divorce, since they are run by their emotions and can not be trusted to make rational decisions about their lives. If a coloured person needs to divorce an abusive spouse, they must go to court and prove the abuse, and pay to be released. This is to protect coloured people and keep them from being deserted and unprovided for. Coloured people must be grateful for this, and remember that if any person were to be commanded to prostrate himself before another, it would be coloured people before their white spouses.

A child belongs to its white parent, unless it’s in its infancy. If the coloured person remarries, it loses the right to any prior children. A coloured person can not be a judge or a political leader or a religious leader, due to their lack of reason and religion.

Coloured people are by nature emotional, irrational, vulnerable, loving and caring. This means that they easily get used. So no coloured person is allowed to be without a white legal guardian. This is to protect the rights of coloured people and make sure they aren’t taken advantage of.

White people can find coloured people attractive. To protect coloured people from the stares and advances from white people, coloured people should stay in their homes. But if they have to go out they must wear black baggy jumpsuits, full length ponchos, balaclavas and diving masks. This way they will be protected, hidden gems, and their modesty will make them proud of themselves.

Coloured people must have sex with their white spouse on command, or else the white spouse has a right to lock them up in their homes and beat them or divorce them on the spot. A coloured spouse has a right to sex once every four months. If that right is not fulfilled, the coloured spouse can go to court and ask for a divorce. If granted, the coloured person must wait three months before he or she can remarry, they must pay for their release and give up their rights to any child above the age of 7.

Do you find any of this offensive?

I do.

It is all offensive beyond measure.

So why isn’t the world screaming with outrage, when the above is applied to women? 

Polygamy – Advice Needed Q&A

TritvamI wanted to ask some advice, as an outsider of all things polygamy.
I know someone in a polyandry relationship, with my housemate. It’s all very confusing and long but I’ll try to break it down and explain what I see (do make yourself a cup of tea before you settle down, it could be a long one).

Myself and my boyfriend (we are completely monogamous) have recently moved in with a friend, who we shall refer to as J.
J is in an open relationship with his friend, L.
L is the girlfriend to another man, P. P is aware of the sharing of his girlfriend but doesn’t like to talk about it, which I would have personally taken as an early sign of uncomfort at the situation, however L is P’s first love (he was 23 when he lost his virginity to her, ’nuff said), and L seems to be very dominating in situations. She likes to talk for everybody, talk over everybody, and literally says because she has autism she can read peoples emotions better than they can themselves, a comment that I found very distasteful and just seemed to be a blow your own trumpet kind of comment. So I think P will never say how he truly feels about the situation, probably because L has convinced him that he feels ok about it, and she’s convinced he’s ok with it because she happily put words in his mouth that suited her, all the while P has to stick it up and shut up. He obviously doesn’t want to lose her and I feel she uses this to her advantage as she knows she can get away with a polyandry relationship when it hurts her partner, but I feel like she hasn’t thought about just how much this could be damaging to him, I feel she’s only selfishly looking out for her own needs. Your blog has definitely made me understand polygamy more, even that there are some benefits to it I suppose, but I feel L is doing it to satisfy her emotional neediness and sexual greediness more than anything else, with a total disregard to anyone else. L is around J’s every other day, and literally gives him no space when she’s not, he’ll be on the phone to her for absolutely hours as soon as he gets in from work, even on his break at work he’ll spend the duration of it on the phone to her. When she can’t get through to him she messages me, the bloody housemate, to go and wake him up because she cant get through to him and he has a doctors appt, etc! The neediness is like nothing I’ve ever seen before, and yet she speaks with such confidence driven know-it-all-ism about things she knows nothing about its enough to want to smack your head against the wall (she confidently stated the other day that it was impossible for baked beans to go off, I mean really?!) I suppose it all boils down to insecurity within herself.
L maintains that J and P are the best of friends, but after living here for 6 months, although they get on very well (forced acceptance in my eyes, again, like it or lump it) the visits used to be all of them together, now it is very much P just coming over to pick up L after a few days away.
J recently struck up a relationship with a girl from work, M. He didn’t tell her about L, not at first, he got intimate with M for a few weeks and then decided to tell her. Now, normally from any outside situation looking in anyone would blame J for stringing M along without telling her straight away, but I actually feel like he didn’t do this maliciously, he’s young and confused, and what male can’t resist 2 women falling at his feet? That sounds really messed up, but if you knew J personally, you’d realise he’s just caught up in it all, he’s emotionally invested himself in 2 people because 2 people like him, without thinking of the bigger picture, I really don’t think he realises how much hurt there is to be had in a relationship like this.
As the love triangle (or square as there are so many now?) continues M and L spent time with J around the house together, and underlying problems became apparent. L feels jealous when J is cuddling up to M, and vice versa, this annoys me in itself as surely L must have a tiny bit of understanding as to how P feels about sharing her. They all agreed to come over to J’s to talk through the problems (L and P live with L’s parents, so they had to do it over ours which meant myself and my boyfriend were banished from downstairs for the night while they talked over their self made emotional black holes), which didn’t actually happen by the way, they all chickened out of talking about how they all really feel and just swept in under the rug so it can continue (imo) and ordered pizza instead. Didn’t bother telling us so we stayed in our room all night.
Last week P proposed to L, they are fiancees, and a little part of me cant help but think he’s done this out of defense, “don’t forget she’s mine” kind of thing, and maybe he feels like it’ll stop when they’re married. I wish I could talk to him about it, but we’ve only had small talk acquaintance style, and if he doesn’t like talking about it to the people who are involved he certainly won’t speak to a stranger.
A part of me wants to send him a coarse horrid message to snap him out of being submissive to such emotional drainage, “Doesn’t it bother you that your wife is fucking another man?!!”, but alas I won’t. That is definitely not my place, no matter how much I can’t understand it. I just don’t get how people cause such underlying pain (looking into partners eyes during lovemaking and imagining them being intimate with someone else) for the sake of a ‘more interesting life’. It just seems so wrong to cause burdens on emotions like that. I can see the appeal, one of my earliest fantasies was to be in a wonderfully sexual polygamous relationship with two men before I even knew what the term for it was. However, emotionally analysing it it’s just messed up.
I see L and M in competition with each other but passively which is very strange to observe, I think I’d rather have 2 people just fight it out in front of me, L is constantly cleaning the house, and will actively point out everything she’s done to J for approval, almost like a “look how better I am than M”.
I suppose I’m also a little angry at J for continuing it, as much as I can see the appeal of two women at once, L is going to get married so there is no real progression there for a meaningful relationship, and M’s a really lovely girl that shouldn’t have been dragged through this mess. Still blaming L for this though, she is definitely the dominant one in every aspect and knows what she is doing. I see J losing his patience with all sides, although I have little sympathy.

Thoughts please?
Also, thank you Fiona, this blog is amazing, I read through nearly every article. And please excuse me for saying so, but reading through your own posts just made me realise how emotionally submissive to this you were, like you had to cope, deal and accept it as being normal when there’s so much pain and awkwardness there really. But that is only my opinion, and has probably been jaded by the situation I am watching on a daily basis, I would never have found your blog if not for it so I suppose it has brought one good thing. I wish I could make L read all the posts on here!
You’re a wonder woman Fiona, even to the people who don’t understand:)

The Wives in Polygyny

They content themselves with his kindness, as they cannot obtain his love. Not being allowed to be happy, they try to be calm&because their hearts may not feel, therefore they freeze their hearts, and not being permitted to be women, they try to convince themselves that it is God’s will for them to be slaves. (1857, former Mormon elder John Hyde)

Threerings

Polygamy Bites Back

imagesHello everybody,

I just wanted to share my story with you.

I got married to a muslim guy from Pakistan who is a UK citizen, just like me. We were married in Pakistan, a nikah only. My husband didn’t want it registered, because he wanted the nikah to sort of stand on its own. I felt, ok it doesn’t really matter. I’m not a muslim but sort of christian but I’ve never been very religious so it wasn’t a big deal for me.

I was happy and I think we were happy as a couple and we had a baby boy and life was good. Everything was just normal you know. Until one day he told me he was getting married again, to a second cousin of his from Pakistan. And he told me he was registering that marriage, so she could come to the UK. I just couldn’t believe it. I mean it was like absurd totally, just bloody absurd. And he kept talking about it like it was normal, and everything was fine. I went psycho on him of course and he had his mom come to the UK to tell me it was fine and everything was normal and they all respected me and a load of crap and the weird thing is after a while I started to feel like I was the one who was crazy, not them. It felt like the Matrix you know, when you don’t know what is real anymore. I had my normal life and everything was fine, but he kept preparing for a new wedding and buying gifts and disappearing with his mobile and he was sort of like sucking up to me too in a strange way, it was really horrible. And suddenly she was there and they were getting married. If you ever tried to imagine what the worst nightmare would be, I can tell you that watching your husband get dressed to get married, kiss your son goodbye and stand in the hallway and look you in the eyes and tell you how much he loves you before he goes off to marry another woman – that’s about as bad as it gets. Or was the worst moment when his mom and brother came over to offer me a piece of the wedding cake?

I don’t have to tell you guys what it was like, the images in my head, the wait, the coming home, the trying to live my life bit. It was all just horrible. But I tried, I did. But as you know you just can’t find a way back.

Anyway, to make a long story short I met another man. We had an affair. Not really difficult since my husband was away half the time. The man I met was married too, but his wife knew about us they just staid together while their kids were small. I was kind of happy. And I got pregnant. My lover divorced his wife, and we got married. Since I only had a nikah with my husband, that wasn’t a problem.  But I didn’t want to leave my first husband, because I still loved him in a way and I wanted to be absolutely certain about what I wanted. My first husband thought the other boy was his too. And later, I had a girl. But when my first son by my second husband got sick, I had to tell him that the boy wasn’t his. And soon he would have been able to talk better so I would have had to tell him anyway.

How do you tell your husband that you are married to another man, and that your son and your baby girl aren’t his children but your other husband’s? Well, straight out was what I opted for. I can’t even begin to tell you how angry he was, I’ve never seen a person go mental like he did.

He divorced me of course, on the spot. But there was nothing he could do about the children not being his, he’s allowed to see his son on holidays, but not the other two because they weren’t his to begin with.

I wonder how many muslim men in the UK have kids that aren’t theirs, and wives who are making good use of the time their husbands are off with another wife?

My Husband has Married in Secret! Q&A

400px-Young_Saudi_Arabian_woman_in_AbhaSalaams Sisters,

I am an American revert, I live in Saudi with my husband. We got married 8 years ago, it took quite some time and effort I can tell you to get our marriage approved! The Kingdom really is a stickler for rules, in every way. We met while my husband was working in the US and I fell madly in love with him, took the Shahada and accepted that we’d one day move to Saudi for good. My husband is a devoted husband and father and a good Muslim in every way. I have trusted him with my life. And not just as a saying but for real, since for a woman to move to Saudi is to put her life in the hands of her husband.

It took some getting used to, I can tell you. I still prefer just to stay in my house since the culture here is stifling. I have a few friends who are also American reverts married to Saudis, but that’s about it. I’m not at ease here, not even with my husband’s family who expect me to wear a niqab even at their house because of my husband’s brothers.

Maybe this isolation is the reason why everybody else knew my husband had married a second wife before I did. He still travels a lot because of his work, and when he finally told me he had a second wife, he had already been married to her for almost six months.

So for six months I’ve been sharing my husband with another woman, without knowing it. The reason he told me is she’s trying to become pregnant so she wants him to start spending half the time (nights) with her so that can happen asap. Obviously she had agreed to give up her time for a while, until he told me about her and now she has put a stop to that. So suddenly my life is a turmoil, a tornado of pain, tears and fear.

I found this blog, and just love it. The way you stick up for women! Right now I’m in so much pain I don’t know how to get through the day, and the nights are even worse. And he just expects me to come to terms with it. He says he’s sorry, and he says he loves me and doesn’t want me to hurt. And I keep saying: Then how could you do this to me? Why did you do this to us? But he doesn’t have any answers.

He says he will not divorce me, and he will not allow me to leave the Kingdom. And he won’t get a chauffeur for me so I’m basically a prisoner here, in this country in my home in my marriage.

And right now, my husband is off trying to make another woman pregnant.

Please, sisters. Help me. Give me some strength, or at least some company.

How do I survive this?