Polygamy and Shame

ThreeringsWhen Mark came home yesterday he was upset. I thought it was the same old story, so I didn’t pretend to notice, just went about my business. I have an awful lot to do right now since I’m on the lecture circuit and need to prepare. He came and sat next to me.

After a while he told me he’s been getting nasty comments from people.

We haven’t hidden the fact that we’re living polygamy. We haven’t taken out ads either, but we have done nothing to conceal it. Graham has never been ashamed. In fact, I know that some women have come on to him simply because they find it attractive that he’s secure and confident enough to be able to share his wife :) It’s been more of a struggle for Mark. Arab men have a completely different outlook on things.

I think when Mark took on a second woman, it added to his status among the businessmen he consorts with, men from Oman, UE, Saudi… I don’t know what he has told them about her not being here anymore. Now obviously, some of them have found out that I’m polygamous. And they’ve been heckling Mark about it. Not in too obvious a manner, not enough for him to be able to retort. But enough to make his skin crawl.

So, he’s upset. Angry, ashamed and sad. He says he doesn’t know how to deal with it. Whether to hide, or take the bull by it’s horns. And how does one do that in a case like this?

I told him I don’t care the least what those misogynist bastards from Saudi think of us.

If I love him, and he loves me, that should be enough.

I mean, he didn’t bother about my feelings of shame when he imported that teenager now, did he?

Polygamy – the Returning Patterns

495px-The_DrunkWhen men who want polygyny turn to islamic  polygamyblogs, we can see a repetitive pattern,

It starts with the man saying he wants polygyny. He says he wants to marry a certain woman, and he wants this woman. Even if the wanting part is unislamic, he feels sure he will be forgiven this sin once he marries her.

His wife however is falling to pieces. She is hurting, screaming and begging for mercy – for herself and her children.

The husband turns to the polygamyblog to ask how he can make his wife accept his taking a new wife, without him loosing the comfort of a happy wife giving him peace and good service at home. He also writes that he simply can’t understand why his wife of 8,15 or twenty years is upset about him doing something that is permissible e.g. marrying a 16 year old he has fallen in love with. I mean, it is allowed and he is man enough to have two wives!

The women at the polygamyblog flock around him and tell him what a considerate man and Believer he is since he is looking for ways to make forced polygyny easier on his wife! This proves that he will surely be a good husband once he has taken on the hussy in marriage. He writes again and says that strangely enough his wife can’t accept the idea, she is getting worse actually, she is vomiting and loosing her hair and crying all the time. He says he has been trying to mention it every day just to make her get used to the idea, but strangely it does no good. And now she has told the children who seem to mind that he is tormenting their mother. The poor man i so distressed. How can they do this to him when all he wants is to be able to fuck the sweet little girl every other night and give her half the money they saved to put the children through school?

The women at the polygamyblog tell him that there is nothing he can do to comfort his wife, to ease the pain. SO they recommend he marries #2 quickly. He must remember he is the man and the head, he must do what he wants because what a man wants is decided by Allah, what a woman wants is guided by satan. So if he wants polygyny that is Allahs doing, if his wife wants a complete father for her children, a husband who doesn’t fuck a young girl every other night and brings her bodyfluids and bacteria back with him and force his wife to have him invade her body with the traces of the other woman still on him – that is satan’s doing.

So they say end her life quick. Shoot her like a dog! You’re a man, it is permissible. Force her to live polygyny! You have a right to treat her like a mad dog, like a whore. Because your muslim. It is your right. And islam is all about rights.

And so the crime against humanity continues.

Polygamy and Istikhaarah

Muslim_woman_in_YemenA married woman writes to a muslim forum to get advice. She has fallen in love with a man who also loves her. He wants to marry her. The woman is already married, happily so, and she is feeling confused. She obviously loves both men.

The woman and her new love have both prayed istikhaarah. 

They have both felt that the answer to their prayers have been favourable, that Allah approves of their love and marriage.

As I see it, the solution is simple. She should avail herself of the permission given to muslim women to become polyandrous that we can find in 4:24 Also (forbidden are) women already married, except those whom your right hands possess. If a woman gives herself in marriage so that she becomes what the man possesses, the quran clearly permits her to have plural husbands – in fact she is not restricted to only four the way men are.

Is this the piece of advice she gets? :D Oh no:

To explain further: if a Muslim woman prays istikhaarah about marrying someone other than her husband when she is still married to her husband, then in fact she is praying istikhaarah about wrecking her home and family, and praying istikhaarah about hurting her children, and praying istikhaarah about hurting a husband who is treating her well and taking good care of her. So she is praying istikhaarah about betraying him and stabbing him in the back by tearing apart his family, so that his home and hers will be destroyed at her hands. She is praying istikhaarah about responding to great kindness and good treatment with a great wrong and denying the rights of one who has treated her well.

All of these factors and many others apply to the istikhaarah prayer that you offered.

As for the positive result that you say your friend got, undoubtedly this is a case of the shaytaan making following one’s whims and desires appear attractive.

A man with a similar problem however gets this advice from the same site:

It is permissible for a man to marry one or two wives, up to four, if he is able for that both financially and physically, and he thinks that he will be able to treat his wives fairly.

It is not essential for him to have the first wife’s permission in order to take a second wife. Most women would not agree to plural marriage and they think that it is impossible to live with it.  This is due to many reasons, including the biased media which regards plural marriage as a crime and an action that will make the first wife feel that there is something wrong with her.

The wise man must look at his family and how prepared they are to accept a plural marriage; he must weigh up the settled life that he has now and what may happen in the future, and think thoroughly – without emotion – about whether he needs a second wife, and how able he is to take care of two households and two families. He has to pray to Allaah for guidance (istikhaarah) before making any move towards marriage, and he has to make a good choice, so that he will not feel regret. (Source: islamqa)

That a man is only allowed polygamy if he is sole guardian of orphans and failing in caring for their wellbeing is not mentioned here… Nor the fact that women hurt just the same as men, that mens’ polygamy ruin their families just as bad, that mens’ betrayals are stabs in the back and just as horrible…. No.

Men have rights, women have duties. Men are allowed to twist the words of the quran however they please. Man’s every desire must be fulfilled and woman must pay the price. That is what this islamic website preaches.

Read the quotes above and tell me, how many of you believe that islamic misogyny is created by men, how many of you believe that islamic misogyny is shaytaan making following one’s whims and desires appear attractive?

Can an Intelligent Woman Accept Polygyny?

Topfer_Feminines_Corrections_2A while ago a woman, a woman living polygyny, claimed that she would only discuss polygyny with people who are intelligent. She  specified that “intelligent” in her book meant that they were pro-polygyny, muslim and willing to bow to her superior knowledge. She stated she would not discuss polygyny with any unintelligent person who’d resort to “name-calling”, e.g. say things like “you are worth something better than a man who’s sleeping with somebody else” :)

Since this woman repeatedly has stated that women are to subject to their husbands, be devoutly obedient and polygyny is a path to heaven for true believers, I didn’t really give her statement much thought.

But then again, the question of intelligence is interesting. Is accepting polygyny a matter of intelligence?

Since I was forced into polygyny, I’ve had the privilege to meet – both IRL and online, a lot of women living polygamy. Some of these women are happily polyamorous and living equal polygamy. All good. Most women however are living in unequal polygyny, sometimes even forced polygyny. These women are of all kinds. Some are highly educated, some are almost illiterate. They’re located all around the world. Most are muslim,.

Many of them seem to be highly intelligent.

Some of them have found pragmatic reasons to accept polygamy. “He provides for me, and as long as he coughs up he can fuck whomever he wants”. Ok, if that’s enough for some, it’s up to them. Others are staying because they have no choice. Theirs is a life in perpetual agony, unbelievable pain. They accept it because survival in hell is better than death.

Some women survive thanks to the Stockholm syndrome. They start defending polygyny, saying things like “My husband didn’t do this to me, God did”. They claim that whatever doesn’t kill you will make you stronger, that it’s a test. They turn viciously against anybody trying to open their eyes. They defend their keepers and tormentors, because admitting that they are victims of a horrible crime is even more painful than denying it.

They start reading the quran the way the devil reads the bible. I found e.g. a site where a woman who was obviously intelligent defended polygyny saying: “Polygamy is allowed unconditionally (so long as the husband treats his wives equally), unbound to time, place or people. To accept this fact is a part of my faith, whether I like it or not.”

This woman can read. Still she isn’t able to see the conditions explicitly stated in the quran. E.g. it says: You shall hand over to the ORPHANS* their rightful properties. Do not substitute the bad for the good, and do not consume their properties by combining them with yours. This would be a gross injustice. If you fear that you will not be equitable towards the ORPHANS*, then you may marry their mothers. You may marry two, three, or four. But this woman. like thousands of others, can only read the last seven words. It’s incomprehensible.

I believe an intelligent woman can accept polygamy. I believe an intelligent woman can accept polygyny too, if she sees it as a means of survival. She may choose to accept polygyny to survive. Her psyche may also choose any means available to survive, e.g. the stockholm syndrome.

For an intelligent woman to accept polygyny however, she has to give up her integrity, her mental health, her freedom of thought and expression – her soul.

So the interesting question is, can any intelligent man accept polygyny?

 

Here We Go Again – Polygyny Revisited

Backlit_Pink_Rose_Interior_With_Drops_(209284324)Mark has been spending a lot of time visiting the local masjid, and arab friends. I know he’s trying to find a way to bring Bimbo back to the UK. We are however practising a strict “don’t ask don’t tell” -policy, so I don’t know exactly what options he’s considering.

I don’t even know how his #2 reacted when he retracted the divorce. I suppose she considers it his right and she must just obey her “husband”. Well well, it’s not my problem. He’ll be going to Oman for a visit after easter, maybe things will come to a conclusion after that. :/

I’ve been out in the garden all day trimming the roses. Now, I’m completely beat. I’m looking forward to a long shower and a glass of wine before Graham comes home.

Tomorrow, we’ll be going to the Chilterns, and my daughter’s coming to visit. :)

Q&A Why are you Hurting your Husband with Polygamy?

ThreeringsQuestion: Salaams Fiona

I have been reading some of your posts and I am sometimes upset and sometimes worried and saddened by your disregard for the wisdom of sharia. I have some questions.

When you have your child, whom shall the child call father and whom shall the child obey? And whose name shall the child carry?

Polygamy is healthy and safe but polyandry brings much risk of std, how can you defend that?

How can you keep woman’s feminine nature in caring for her house, husband and children if you must act like a man?

How can you respect a husband who allows you to have another man?

How can you live with this pain and jealousy and hurt that you are giving your husband?

Polygamy is allowed with restrictions to be fair and just and protect your wives and care for them. It is allowed because it is good for the women and children too. If you are jealous or hurting you could have had help from a wise imam or a good online forum and it makes me much sad to see you hurt your husband and children instead.

I wish you well and hope you will make good on this.

Peace.

Answer: Wow. I’ll just bite my tongue and hope somebody else will answer this, as I think I’d better calm down before I put anything down in print. //F

 

Q&A Should I become his Second Wife?

En_boca_cerrada_no_entran_moscasQuestion: I am struggling with this right now alhamdoulillah it is all a test from Allah to know ourselves better and to challenge ourselves. I have met the first man in my life that I think is better than my own father but he is married with 2 children and one on the way. He wants a second wife as his first wife chose to move back to her home of origin to be close to her family and leave him alone. Even though she isn’t able to provide him with the marriage he wants, he won’t divorce her because he feels fully responsible for her and won’t abandon her. I respect this and feel guilty for even entertaining the thought of him doing this to her in my head. I don’t know what to do. He is incredible and sweet and caring and gentle and a good Muslim mashaAllah… but he already has a wife and I am so afraid that this jealousy will eat me up inside for the rest of my days if I marry him. The thought of him going to visit his wife and being with her physically and emotionally wrenches my heart and turns my stomach and it is not even my right to feel this way right now as I am not his wife. I am at a critical point and must make a decision. I cannot speak with my family about this as they are A.) not Muslim and B.) would never accept this situation. They would think that I’ve settled instead of getting what I deserve. If a man loves you more than words can express, wants to take full care of you like a Muslim man should, treat you like his wife, his best friend, his sister, his daughter, his mother, his princess and his queen and give you the world if he can… are you settling for less because he already has a wife?

Answer: Dear Kat,

I can feel your pain. But I must tell you, I can feel hers too. She is married to him, she is expecting his baby. I am pregnant too, and I can’t imagine the pain if my husband, the father of the child I’m carrying, would tell me he’s taking another wife. The thought is unbearable. No woman should ever have to go through that.

Remember, men can only do that to their wives, if other women are willing to aid and abet. Yes, I can see you love this man. But already, that means that you have committed a sin according to islam. There is no such thing as mixing or falling in love that is allowed if you are a believer. You have fallen in love with another woman’s husband. A woman who is pregnant with his child.

How would you feel if that happened to you? Do unto your sister what you would have done unto you!

The jealousy, the pain in sharing, the nausea in knowing he has been making love to her just before he comes to you – it’s all nothing compared to the sheer betrayal.

So, think of his wife. And do unto her what you would have done unto yourself.

Love, F

I’m the Alfa-female in our Polygamous Marriage

polygamy-femaleI’ve been out shopping today with a friend who’s moving to a bigger flat and needs some new furniture. Been a long time since I went shopping and I thoroughly enjoyed it. We had lunch at Waterstones, Piccadilly, and I have come home with a bag of books I’m looking forwards to reading. I just love Kate Morton.

I’m feeling great and my friends tell me it shows. My hair is getting a bit curly, isn’t that funny? I never knew pregnancy could make your hair curly :)

I’m spending the evening with Mark. We are making plans to go to Scotland next weekend to visit friends, and we’ll be spending the evening talking about what more to do once we’re up there. I feel a strong need to spend quality time with him. I need to feel I’m his lover and his wife, I want to take the strange feeling out of our relationship.

Mark came back. Basically I suppose, because he loves me. Partly I believe because he’s not willing to give me up having sacrificed so much to keep me.

He tried at first to give me a lot of ultimatums about our relationship, time spent with him, never to bring the baby along during his time with me that kind of thing, but I wouldn’t have it. I told him polygamy is a thing between the adults, the baby isn’t bound by any rules. In the end he gave way. He came back with only one condition. He said he couldn’t go through with his divorce now, he couldn’t take the pain of a divorce while he also had to live with the pain of my having a baby with Graham.

I was furious. I mean, after all we’ve been through? And what about his #2? Would he keep her hanging again? Mark just said that since she was still in iddah, he had a right to take her back. He also said he was going to look at new ways to bring her back to the UK.

So here we are. Back in our dance macabre.

But you know what? I’m at peace. I’m having a baby. Both my husbands have agreed to act as fathers. I’m happy.

Let’s hope it stays that way.

The Pain when your Polygamous Spouse is having a Baby with #2

Heart-beatHaving a baby changes everything.

It’s the strongest bond between a man and a woman.

It’s bigger than love, greater than your own life. It’s new life. And it’s your responsibility.

When you have a child together, your relationship changes. You’re not just husband and wife anymore. You are a mother and a father. Your life doesn’t entirely belong to you anymore – because you have a child.

Having a baby makes your love for your partner grow, you are sharing something indescribably amazing. And this new life has sprung from your love.

My first husband kept going over this, his pain and grief and dismay made him elaborate on this over and over. And there wasn’t much I could say to comfort him. He was right.

I just kept reminding him I love him too. And we have children too. The same bond exists between us.

Mark said: Yes, and that’s what used to make us special.

I do so understand. But I can’t change things.

 

 

I told my Husbands I was Pregnant

Backlit_Pink_Rose_Interior_With_Drops_(209284324)So, I knew I was pregnant.

I sat in the conservatory and looked at the late roses. A life was growing inside of me and my life would never be the same. I was happy. I was afraid.

I told Graham. The way he looked when he understood – I’ll never forget it. It was sheer joy. He cried. I have never seen him cry like that before, with a great smile on his face, tears running down his cheeks. He kept saying “I love you”. I am so grateful I got to share that moment with him.

Next day, I told Mark. He cried too.

And he said he would never forgive me. That this was the end.

He said it was disgusting, that he would never be able to touch me again, that I had ruined our marriage. He said he wanted a divorce. He left.

I was devastated. Why couldn’t we just live our lives and be happy?

Couldn’t things just get easier? Ever?