Pakistan, Jam and Roses

JALDECJOKERWe have had many great discussions here, and not only about polygamy.

I’m glad.

It’s is so much easier to talk about the big things if we’re also able to chat about the small things. :)

Big: I read this the other day. I wish somebody could explain to me how this could happen. http://tribune.com.pk/story/734966/on-the-rocks-husband-burns-wife-after-quarrel/

Small:

This is how I make strawberry preserves:

Use 1 kg preserve sugar (with pectin) for every two pounds of strawberries.
Add half a rhubarb and 1 clove while cooking. Simmer for 15 minutes.

Preserve in clean and sealed jars.

I’d be very grateful on any advice on how to make bush roses thrive =)

Any topic you want to introduce is welcome in this thread!

Rivalry in Polygamy

ThreeringsI was behind the pottery shed, tidying up, when I heard Graham and Mark talking in front of the barn where Graham is fixing us a hammock. Mark came to the Chilterns early this morning for breakfast, to say goodbye to Tamsin and me before he’s off to Oman.

Initially they were just talking about how to attach the hammock properly. Then suddenly Mark says “I suppose you’re the kind of husband she should have had all along” and I heard Graham answer kind of slowly “Yes, I suppose so too”. Then Mark blurted out “Well, I gave her twenty years of happiness and two children before you came along and settled for scraps”. And Graham answered “Yeah – isn’t it a miracle how I managed to make a happy woman and mother again out of a tortured pile of scraps”? Mark: “You’re such a bastard” Graham: “Well, a bastard can’t be blamed for what he is, but you made yourself what you are all on your own”.

Mark took off without another word.

And now I won’t see him for 13 days.

Well my dears, I wish that had played out differently.

Husbands, Islam and Polygamy

400px-Young_Saudi_Arabian_woman_in_Abha“I love you, more than anything. You’re my life. I would never leave you. If you decide to leave me, it’s your decision, you’d be the one destroying our marriage, giving up on our life. I’d never be happy again. You are the love of my life”

My husband’s words. He said them many times when he had become polygamous and I was breaking, falling to pieces.

Of course I knew he was the one destroying our marriage. But I also knew he was right saying he’d never leave me. The way he managed to make me responsible, to have me carry the weight of choosing, was extremely cunning. He made a crack whore out of me.

I have heard hundreds of similar stories, mainly from women in Western countries who find themselves trapped in forced polygyny.

Men always have strategies to make their wives submit to polygyny. Islamic fora and websites even give advice to men on how to convince their wives to accept polygyny.

* Tell her after the fact. It will shock her, and that will give you a chance to break her in.

* Spend money on her. This will make her accept that you have another wife.(Yes, this is an actual piece of advice from an islamic Q&A forum!)

* Tell her she must obey you and fear Allah. Stay away from her and give her nights to the other wife, this will make her jealous and afraid of losing you. If that doesn’t help, hit her.

Most islamic pro-polygyny sites and blogs are adamant that a man must be firm, a strong leader, to make polygyny a success. He must make his wives submissive and obedient, and make them follow the rules he sets to make polygyny as pleasurable as possible for him.

If a wife breaks down, chastise her and tell her she must be grateful Allah gave her half a husband, insted of mourning that he took half  a husband from her and her children. If a wife says she will kill herself, it’s just because women are emotional and manipulative. Don’t fall for it! Tell her to fear Allah and go fuck your other wife, that will teach her a lesson! (What this man is to do when he returns and finds his first wife dead is unclear) If your first wife wants a divorce, just say no. If she threatens to leave you, just laugh in her face! Thank god, most muslim countries treat divorced women as lepers, so she won’t carry through, and even if she does she’ll soon be back since muslim countries won’t allow her to remarry and keep the children, and she won’t be able to feed herself without a husband. Isn’t it great?

Find it hard to believe anybody would be warped enough to give this kind of advice?

You can take a look here – and remember, a woman wrote this! (Oh, and please, read the comment from Abu Salman – that’s the perfect muslim polygamous husband for you!)

Muslim men are taught that all their base lusts and selfish desires are god given rights and that they are by divine right masters and heads. They are also taught that women are lacking in reason and intellectual ability, slaves to their biological inferiority, and that they must be treated like children.  Brainwashed women submit to these “truths”, don their veils and make sure their awrah footsteps don’t disturb their male superiors.

The perfect muslim husband – is he really the man who can marry a second wife, and when his tortured first wife cries that she will take the children and leave him, answer her:

Ok. Have a nice life.

???

 

Polygamy, Family and Summer

Backlit_Pink_Rose_Interior_With_Drops_(209284324)Back in London.

The rose garden is beautiful. I hide there with Tamsin while the city is swamped with tourists. I’ve discovered there’s a guided “Downton Abbey tour” passing outside our house – obviously they have shot some of the London scenes in the neighbourhood. It’s rather interesting to listen to the tour guides through a window, but it’s a bit annoying to have tourists all over the place, taking pictures. Still, I’m happy to be living in Downton Abbey-land, and not in Harry Potter-land :)

As I told you earlier, Mark has been planning things concerning his #2. He told me while we were in Scotland that he’s going to Oman to spend the rest of his vacation there.

Ok. I can’t stop him. I don’t know what he envisions, what kind of future he is planning. I’m just going to let the ball roll, see what happens. I’m going to use his absence to spend long lazy days in the Chilterns with my second husband, my daughter and my friends who love to visit. My son and daughter will come and stay too.

I’m building and uniting a family here.

God knows what Mark is doing.

I really do think women are much more suited to be polygamists than men are.

The Social structures that ensure obedience and conformity

norfolkfiona:

A very interesting text, that gives keys to understanding the extremism of muslim converts, and the mechanisms behind e.g. Polygamy411.com!

Originally posted on Thinking Your Way Out:

"Wow Mashallah, you're so pious". What they're thinking: Urgh, why do those converts have to take it so FAR..

“Wow Mashallah, you’re so.. Um.. Pious”. What they’re actually thinking: “Urgh, why do those converts have to take it so far?”.. Image http://www.irishexaminer.com

So what is it that makes someone leave behind a fairly ordinary, everyday type of human experience to adopt an all encompassing, ideological way of thinking? How can one method of thought have so much power over the way someone lives their life?

I’ve spent a lot of time in the Muslim world, and in Muslim majority countries. Something that has always struck me in such places is that the absolutism in religious thinking which I found in Muslim minority communities in the West is not as prominent. In fact, religiously zealous people are considered a little bit batty or just too full on.

In a way, that was another part of the transforming experience for me, a part of the unravelling process. Yes, Muslims in the…

View original 630 more words

Why does a Woman Choose to be a Second Wife?

GorgoneionHow can a woman choose to become a second wife?

It’s an enigma we keep coming back to. We understand how a selfish man, brainwashed by islam that it is his right and he is doing the ummah a favour, can opt for polygyny, hoping to gain excitement, maledom and sex.

But how can a woman agree to becoming a second wife? And, the thousand pound question, how can she live with herself if she knows she became a second wife at the expense of another woman whose life, love and health are irrevocably destroyed through this deed?

As I see it there are a few different answers to this question.

1. The second wife is extremely young and/or extremely selfish. The kind of woman who is on the maturity level of a four year old, who hides in a cupboard with a candy bar so she won’t have to share it  with anybody because all that exists in the mind is mine, mine, mine. This is the woman who believes she is the winner when she gets the man to marry her, and she is silly enough to believe that he will soon get rid of the old wife, and she will get the toy all to herself. This kind of immaturity can also be caused my mental illness.

2. The second wife is a whore. She doesn’t care the man is married, or that she is destroying a family and another woman, as long as she gets paid.

3. The second wife is a sadist. A mentally and sexually warped woman who takes pleasure in causing pain and wallowing in the misery of others.

4. The second wife is starving in the streets, watching her children from an earlier marriage die from lack of food and medicines and she is unfortunate enough to have as her only aid a muslim man who believes there is no other way to help a woman and her children than to fuck her.

These are the answers I have come up with. All second wives I have come across have belonged to one of the first three groups.

 

Women – a Muslim Commodity?

445px-Gottfried_Sieben_-_Balkangreuel_-_07To me, at the center of a marriage is love.

And for love to live through a life long marriage, it has to be founded on mutual respect, consideration, attraction and friendship.

Marriage is about giving and taking. Giving willingly and gladly, and taking carefully and gratefully.

Marriage is not about equity, it’s not about rights. It’s about putting somebody else’s good before your own, about teamwork and togetherness.

I have never been able to understand the islamic view on marriage. It seems to be all about rights. And the rights are explicit. “The right of the husband to demand sex even if his wife is cooking”, “The right of the husband to be obeyed”, “The right of the husband to forbid his wife to leave the house”, “The right of the wife to be fed, as long as she doesn’t refuse her husband sex”.  etc.

Islamic scholars defend this view on marriage by saying that married life is not a Hollywood dream, so it must be regulated and Allah has granted men certain rights and women other rights, one degree lower.

I know for sure, married life is no Hollywood dream. But I also know that the only true foundation for love in a marriage where husband and wife respect each other is equality and mutual giving. Voluntary giving.

I believe that islamic equity as basis for marriage is also the basis for inequality, oppression and pain in marriage. This view on marriage is what brings about islamist horrors like this – muslim men in search of wives.

I know men from western countries have raped in war – but they wouldn’t call their victims “wives”.

It says a lot about the difference between the status of a wife in the West, and a muslim wife.

A Free Polygamy Blog – For Everybody

gg4603327This blog is for everybody and anybody who wants to discuss polygamy. And if you happen to go off topic – well so be it :) That’s ok too.

You’re welcome here.

And if you come here to contradict me, or even condemn me, fine – you’re welcome.

The only things I won’t allow are threats or other illegal activities.

Another blog stated that this blog will accept anybody, and it’s true. That’s what this blog is about.

And another thing – if you want to contact somebody who’s a contributor here, you can just contact me on norfolkfiona@mail.com, and I’ll pass your e-mail address along. So if you want to contact somebody here without anybody else knowing about it, just send me an e-mail.

Thank you all for being here.

As Requested: An Ode to Taste

80px-Dame_Edna_(6959717624)De gustibus non est disputandum. And still, it is a subject we always return to. Taste is something we all know, but define differently. It is a mark of sophistication, of class – or not.

Taste is also illusive, en aesthetic mind is something that takes a lifetime to develop, and it needs cultivating. Maybe this is why rich Americans spend fortunes on stylists and interior decorators – they have the money to spend on the style they have no training to develop.

In European tradition, which of course means American too since they have very little tradition of their own, ( ;) ) there are two main schools of aesthetics – the Greek and the Roman. I could give a lengthy lecture on this, but suffice it to say that Greek ideals claimed there’s nothing better to spend your money on than an understatement, while the Romans chose the opposite view – if you’ve got it flaunt it. With a few exceptions, mainly to do with court culture, European ideals have ever since the fall of the Roman Empire been very Greek – less is more, an educated eye detects quality – not quantity. America on the other hand have adopted Roman ideals, which can be seen in public architecture as well as in patriotic rhetorics and in general taste.

This has lead to Americans and Europeans (mostly) friendly habit of bantering over each other’s taste and ideals. Englishmen often find Americans loud and outspoken, while Americans find Brits to be stiff and old fashioned.

I was taught early that anything ostentatious is bad taste. Anything loud is bad taste. Anything gaudy is to be avoided like cholera. Because a lady is rather seen dead than showing a lack of taste. This is never said openly of course, it is just a part of our schooling. It’s silent knowledge. And if you don’t know it, it just shows a lack of education.

I know this sounds awfully arrogant. I would never have expressed myself like this ordinarily, but I’m trying my best to comply with the request of a valued contributor here, who said I have to speak candidly and clearly for him to understand since all this is unknown to him.

So, does it take money to have good taste? Of course not.

If you buy false Gucci-bags it proves you have no money and no taste. If you buy real Gucci-bags it shows you have money, but no taste. If you have taste but no money, you buy good quality second hand or plain IKEA, without pretending it’s anything else. If you have real money and taste, you buy quality with no visible label.

So dear Saad, if you have ever seen a program like The Real Housewives of Bevery Hills, I can tell you that those people seem just as vulgar and strange to me as they probably are to you. Tv-shows like Jerry Springer or Baywatch make me cringe, and I find the language in e.g. rap-music just as offensive as you probably do. But not because I am morally outraged, I’m just aesthetically gobsmacked.

If you’ve got it flaunt it appears just as vulgar to me if it’s a millionaire wearing diamond studded watches as if it’s young people wearing hotpants and bras only. American vulgar culture, as opposed of course to all parts of American culture that are not in poor taste, focusing on flaunting whatever you have hence to me is simply a statement of poor taste. Errors of taste are very often the outward sign of a deep fault of sensibility. :)

The above stated is of course a prejudiced generalization, I admit it willingly. 

There’s a reason why de gustibus non est disputandum became a quote known by all :)

 

Envy, Jealousy and Polygamy.

59232We have agreed to go to Scotland.

Mark and I will be staying in my grandparents’ house, Graham and his sister and her family will be staying with my cousin. We will stay for at least a fortnight, and ten days in Graham and Mark will simply swop rooms :) So Tamsin, Graham and I will get a few days together too.

I can tell you, it took a lot of talking, tantrums and bargaining before we arrived at this solution.

Mark was adamant about wanting to be alone with me and Tamsin. He said it’s the least he deserves, he has put up with so much intrusion in our marriage, he needs time alone with me.

I agree. We need time together Mark and I, time to be romantic, time to be adults. But with Tamsin around, it’s not easy. And that’s why finally Mark agreed that Graham could come along, since that means Tamsin can be with dad a few hours now and then. But Graham felt odd about going on his own, hanging around my cousin’s place without me. Happily, Graham’s sister and her family were looking for a place to go for a short vacation, and voila – problem solved.

Graham is still grumpy though about having to share his daughter. Doing it is a lot different from talking about it! And Mark is hurt and angry because Graham will be invading our private time – we have so little of it living polygamy.

So we’re all happy, but beneath the surface there is jealousy, envy and resentment.

Please, keep your fingers crossed we’ll have a nice time!

 

(I’ll try to approve posts, and maybe write some posts myself while we’re away, but internet access is shaky at best up in the Highlands!)