When Polygamy Only Gets Worse – What Can a Good Wife do?

921ce-keep-calm-and-you-can-do-it-13Assalam alaykum Fiona and blogfriends

I am Maya. I am first wife I have two cowives. I agreed when my husband wished to marry again because it is law where I live that the wife must agree. I agreed because i saw it as my duty and also I wanted to make hubby happy and also I found some pride in thinking I could sacrifice myself in polygamy and share with my sisters in islam.

You know the pain I don’t need to tell you. It truly is the worse pain ever. But I lived through that al-ḥamdu lillāh. The pain that cuts like knifes is gone now.

But it is strange. Even when the pain was when it was the worse, I didn’t think I want divorce. I never wanted it then. But now I am thinking maybe I will have to divorce. My husband was patient when I was hurting and crying and he helped me pray and was caring of my feelings and also I think feeling guilty for making the pain. But now I have a so empty feeling. My home is like a revolving door to my hubby. He runs between families and never really has time to be only to run between. I feel many times like a widow or something and I dont long for his return any more it is only disruptive and I feel like a part time servant to him and a 100% single mummy. It would be easier even because then I would not have to text him for opinion or permission about things! He is even sometimes sleeping at his brothers house because he is tired of all families, children and wives. I would have been angry with that earlier because I was all about my rights and afraid of to loose him to another wife but now I am more better and calm without him.

I loved him much and maybe still would have loved him but I do not love a man who is here one minute and gone 2000 and never is ALL here but always in a part somewhere else.

So my question is now what I should do. I have had advice that polygamy is worse in the start it gets better. But for me is it simply not true. I want real advice. I am a religious woman but I believe one can be good without to be religious. So I ask of you who are wise and have experience – what can I expect? What will my life be? What should I do?

Allah ar rahman ar raheem wa barokatuh

Semper Eadem

imagesOnce, Mark asked me if it would be a good idea to get a divorce. That way, I could marry Graham and our baby would be legally his, without a fuzz. And of course, it would allow Mark to marry his #2 legally so he could bring her back to the UK.

Mark said we could divorce legally but agree to stay married as common law spouses. Sort of change everything while everything stays the same.

I said no. A big fat no.

I’m not about to become my first husband’s “consort” while Bimbo becomes his wife. There’s just no way I’d agree to that. I would never be able to stomach having her as his legal anything…

Mark hasn’t mentioned it again. (No, Graham has never asked for it either. He is way too fair to do that!) Mark’s planning something though, god knows what… He’s been getting phone-calls he hasn’t wanted me to overhear, and I can tell he’s been putting away money. Now, I find some messages in Arabic on our laptop.

Yes, I’m tempted. Google translate is only a few clicks away.

To read or not to read, that is the question….

Guide on How to be a Good Muslim Husband

polygamy-femaleDear Mark.

You showed me a version of this guide once, remember? Half in jest, half in earnest. “Guide on How to be a Good Muslim Wife”. Well, I have adjusted the guide somewhat, and hope you will find it beneficial reading. :)

Husbands must do everything they can to keep their wives pleased with them. The ideal husband combines three characteristics; he pleases his wife when she sees him by taking care to appear beautiful before her; he obeys her when she gives a command; he does never go against her wishes regarding his person or property.

To refuse to go with his wife when she calls him to bed is a grave mistake that a husband must avoid.If he is feeling jealous because she has just come from one of her other husbands, he must be patient and double his efforts to please her.

When a husband intends to fast, he may do so only with his wife’s permission. If he does not receive her permission, then she has the right to make him break his fast when he is observing it. The reason for this is that she might wish to exercise her conjugal rights with him, which she cannot do if he is fasting. It’s also extremely important that he keeps himself in good shape so he can make sex enjoyable every time for his wife, his own needs must take second place.

It is a husband’s duty not to allow anyone, that his wife does not want, to enter the house without her permission. He may not give anything away without her permission. He should avoid asking his wife for extra money and he should show immense gratitude for whatever is given to him.

A good husband is one who is true to his wife’s word if she commands him to do something. On a wife’s return home, a husband should receive her kindly and meet her with a good temper, a clean house, a nice meal and beautiful appearance. He should try not to neglect his wife’s needs nor ignore her demands. The more a husband takes care of his wife, the more he will be loved. Most wives consider their husbands’ care of them as an expression of their love.

A husband should make sure to treat all his wife’s friends and family with great respect. This is a mark of respect and honour for the wife.

Leaving the house frequently is a bad habit for a man. He should also not leave the house if his wife objects to his doing so. He does not have the right to leave the house without her express permission.

If a wife’s friends enquire about her, a husband should answer them but without indulging in lengthy conversation. Spending time with friends keeps a husband from giving his wife and his house the attention they deserve. Taking care of the house and running the household are the husband’s responsibility.

If the wife gives her husband permission to go out to work, this should not be seen as a licence to equality. In fact, the issue of also producing income to the households is something which might later act as a dividing factor between husband and wife. If the husband works outside the house, his income might delude him into thinking that he is in any way equal to his wife, or entitled to rights others than those she chooses to infer on him. This is not true. A husband should take his sole pleasure in subjecting himself to his wife. If his wife does not allow him to work, he must be satisfied with the level of comforts his wife can provide on her income and not pose unreasonable demands on her.

Speaking to or telling others about sexual matters between a husband and wife is a grave sin in Islam. This applies especially to the husband who must keep himself chaste. His sole sexual concern must be to give pleasure to his wife. He must also understand that it is her right and duty to seek intimate pleasure with her other husbands. A husband may never inquire about what takes place between his wife and her other husbands. Instead he must make sure she finds peace and pleasure in his company. He should not be afraid to express his love, need and affection for his wife. It will please her and bind her closer to the family; Moreover, if she does not find an attractive, loving man at home, she may be driven for solace elsewhere, outside the home.

Leadership in the family is given to the wife. For the husband to demand complete and full equality with his wife will result in having two heads in the family and this does not exist in Islam. However, the wife should not misuse her position. She should display love and affection and treat her husband well, give him enough food and only beat him when he is disobedient or rebellious.

If a husband remembers these rules, his marriage will be happy and he will feel fulfilled knowing his wife will be pleased with him.

 

Love and Loose with a Muslim Husband

Muslim_woman_in_YemenI stumbled across a blogpost I found very interesting. It’s called Having loved and lost in Oman – divorce.

I think it’s a very good read for women thinking about marrying an Omani man, or any muslim man for that matter. But it also makes me think. If this is what you should know if you as a Western woman intend to marry an Omani man – what should an Omani man know before he marries an English woman?

First of all, the author of the article I’m discussing says women must understand it’s a muslim man’s right to marry up to four wives. Well, in Europe if you do, you’re a bigamist and you’ll go to jail. And you can kiss any chance of seeing your children goodbye. This is something an Omani man must realize before he marries a European woman.

If you’re a muslim bigamist and your wife divorces you, there is no way you’ll get custody of the children. And I believe this is fair. And if you take the children from the mother, you’re a cursed kidnapper and if you ever show up in the civilized world you’ll grow old in jail. And that is fair.

A muslim man must understand that if he uses his islamic “right” to admonish, strike, his wife, he will go to jail. And loose the right to see his children.

An Omani man must understand that if he marries and has children with an English woman and then divorces her, she gets to keep the children and he must keep paying maintenance and child support until the children are 18 (or 20 if they’re at school). And he must keep paying even if the woman marries somebody else. As is only fair. And if an English woman divorces her Omani husband and keeps the children, she will also get the house. No matter if the husband paid for it. And this is only fair. Especially if he’s a criminal who strikes his wife or his children, or is a bigamist.

So just as western women should not complain about the islamic laws in Oman if they choose to marry there, an Omani (or any muslim) man has no right to complain about the laws here, if he chooses to marry e.g. in the UK.

We should however make sure that no muslim man of foreign origin who has children with a UK citizen is allowed through customs without written consent from his wife, or ex-wife if she is the mother of his children :)

I wonder if the Omani princess would agree?

And all the Omani princes?

Polygamy and Shame

ThreeringsWhen Mark came home yesterday he was upset. I thought it was the same old story, so I didn’t pretend to notice, just went about my business. I have an awful lot to do right now since I’m on the lecture circuit and need to prepare. He came and sat next to me.

After a while he told me he’s been getting nasty comments from people.

We haven’t hidden the fact that we’re living polygamy. We haven’t taken out ads either, but we have done nothing to conceal it. Graham has never been ashamed. In fact, I know that some women have come on to him simply because they find it attractive that he’s secure and confident enough to be able to share his wife :) It’s been more of a struggle for Mark. Arab men have a completely different outlook on things.

I think when Mark took on a second woman, it added to his status among the businessmen he consorts with, men from Oman, UE, Saudi… I don’t know what he has told them about her not being here anymore. Now obviously, some of them have found out that I’m polygamous. And they’ve been heckling Mark about it. Not in too obvious a manner, not enough for him to be able to retort. But enough to make his skin crawl.

So, he’s upset. Angry, ashamed and sad. He says he doesn’t know how to deal with it. Whether to hide, or take the bull by it’s horns. And how does one do that in a case like this?

I told him I don’t care the least what those misogynist bastards from Saudi think of us.

If I love him, and he loves me, that should be enough.

I mean, he didn’t bother about my feelings of shame when he imported that teenager now, did he?

Polygamy – the Returning Patterns

495px-The_DrunkWhen men who want polygyny turn to islamic  polygamyblogs, we can see a repetitive pattern,

It starts with the man saying he wants polygyny. He says he wants to marry a certain woman, and he wants this woman. Even if the wanting part is unislamic, he feels sure he will be forgiven this sin once he marries her.

His wife however is falling to pieces. She is hurting, screaming and begging for mercy – for herself and her children.

The husband turns to the polygamyblog to ask how he can make his wife accept his taking a new wife, without him loosing the comfort of a happy wife giving him peace and good service at home. He also writes that he simply can’t understand why his wife of 8,15 or twenty years is upset about him doing something that is permissible e.g. marrying a 16 year old he has fallen in love with. I mean, it is allowed and he is man enough to have two wives!

The women at the polygamyblog flock around him and tell him what a considerate man and Believer he is since he is looking for ways to make forced polygyny easier on his wife! This proves that he will surely be a good husband once he has taken on the hussy in marriage. He writes again and says that strangely enough his wife can’t accept the idea, she is getting worse actually, she is vomiting and loosing her hair and crying all the time. He says he has been trying to mention it every day just to make her get used to the idea, but strangely it does no good. And now she has told the children who seem to mind that he is tormenting their mother. The poor man i so distressed. How can they do this to him when all he wants is to be able to fuck the sweet little girl every other night and give her half the money they saved to put the children through school?

The women at the polygamyblog tell him that there is nothing he can do to comfort his wife, to ease the pain. SO they recommend he marries #2 quickly. He must remember he is the man and the head, he must do what he wants because what a man wants is decided by Allah, what a woman wants is guided by satan. So if he wants polygyny that is Allahs doing, if his wife wants a complete father for her children, a husband who doesn’t fuck a young girl every other night and brings her bodyfluids and bacteria back with him and force his wife to have him invade her body with the traces of the other woman still on him – that is satan’s doing.

So they say end her life quick. Shoot her like a dog! You’re a man, it is permissible. Force her to live polygyny! You have a right to treat her like a mad dog, like a whore. Because your muslim. It is your right. And islam is all about rights.

And so the crime against humanity continues.

Polygamy and Istikhaarah

Muslim_woman_in_YemenA married woman writes to a muslim forum to get advice. She has fallen in love with a man who also loves her. He wants to marry her. The woman is already married, happily so, and she is feeling confused. She obviously loves both men.

The woman and her new love have both prayed istikhaarah. 

They have both felt that the answer to their prayers have been favourable, that Allah approves of their love and marriage.

As I see it, the solution is simple. She should avail herself of the permission given to muslim women to become polyandrous that we can find in 4:24 Also (forbidden are) women already married, except those whom your right hands possess. If a woman gives herself in marriage so that she becomes what the man possesses, the quran clearly permits her to have plural husbands – in fact she is not restricted to only four the way men are.

Is this the piece of advice she gets? :D Oh no:

To explain further: if a Muslim woman prays istikhaarah about marrying someone other than her husband when she is still married to her husband, then in fact she is praying istikhaarah about wrecking her home and family, and praying istikhaarah about hurting her children, and praying istikhaarah about hurting a husband who is treating her well and taking good care of her. So she is praying istikhaarah about betraying him and stabbing him in the back by tearing apart his family, so that his home and hers will be destroyed at her hands. She is praying istikhaarah about responding to great kindness and good treatment with a great wrong and denying the rights of one who has treated her well.

All of these factors and many others apply to the istikhaarah prayer that you offered.

As for the positive result that you say your friend got, undoubtedly this is a case of the shaytaan making following one’s whims and desires appear attractive.

A man with a similar problem however gets this advice from the same site:

It is permissible for a man to marry one or two wives, up to four, if he is able for that both financially and physically, and he thinks that he will be able to treat his wives fairly.

It is not essential for him to have the first wife’s permission in order to take a second wife. Most women would not agree to plural marriage and they think that it is impossible to live with it.  This is due to many reasons, including the biased media which regards plural marriage as a crime and an action that will make the first wife feel that there is something wrong with her.

The wise man must look at his family and how prepared they are to accept a plural marriage; he must weigh up the settled life that he has now and what may happen in the future, and think thoroughly – without emotion – about whether he needs a second wife, and how able he is to take care of two households and two families. He has to pray to Allaah for guidance (istikhaarah) before making any move towards marriage, and he has to make a good choice, so that he will not feel regret. (Source: islamqa)

That a man is only allowed polygamy if he is sole guardian of orphans and failing in caring for their wellbeing is not mentioned here… Nor the fact that women hurt just the same as men, that mens’ polygamy ruin their families just as bad, that mens’ betrayals are stabs in the back and just as horrible…. No.

Men have rights, women have duties. Men are allowed to twist the words of the quran however they please. Man’s every desire must be fulfilled and woman must pay the price. That is what this islamic website preaches.

Read the quotes above and tell me, how many of you believe that islamic misogyny is created by men, how many of you believe that islamic misogyny is shaytaan making following one’s whims and desires appear attractive?

Can an Intelligent Woman Accept Polygyny?

Topfer_Feminines_Corrections_2A while ago a woman, a woman living polygyny, claimed that she would only discuss polygyny with people who are intelligent. She  specified that “intelligent” in her book meant that they were pro-polygyny, muslim and willing to bow to her superior knowledge. She stated she would not discuss polygyny with any unintelligent person who’d resort to “name-calling”, e.g. say things like “you are worth something better than a man who’s sleeping with somebody else” :)

Since this woman repeatedly has stated that women are to subject to their husbands, be devoutly obedient and polygyny is a path to heaven for true believers, I didn’t really give her statement much thought.

But then again, the question of intelligence is interesting. Is accepting polygyny a matter of intelligence?

Since I was forced into polygyny, I’ve had the privilege to meet – both IRL and online, a lot of women living polygamy. Some of these women are happily polyamorous and living equal polygamy. All good. Most women however are living in unequal polygyny, sometimes even forced polygyny. These women are of all kinds. Some are highly educated, some are almost illiterate. They’re located all around the world. Most are muslim,.

Many of them seem to be highly intelligent.

Some of them have found pragmatic reasons to accept polygamy. “He provides for me, and as long as he coughs up he can fuck whomever he wants”. Ok, if that’s enough for some, it’s up to them. Others are staying because they have no choice. Theirs is a life in perpetual agony, unbelievable pain. They accept it because survival in hell is better than death.

Some women survive thanks to the Stockholm syndrome. They start defending polygyny, saying things like “My husband didn’t do this to me, God did”. They claim that whatever doesn’t kill you will make you stronger, that it’s a test. They turn viciously against anybody trying to open their eyes. They defend their keepers and tormentors, because admitting that they are victims of a horrible crime is even more painful than denying it.

They start reading the quran the way the devil reads the bible. I found e.g. a site where a woman who was obviously intelligent defended polygyny saying: “Polygamy is allowed unconditionally (so long as the husband treats his wives equally), unbound to time, place or people. To accept this fact is a part of my faith, whether I like it or not.”

This woman can read. Still she isn’t able to see the conditions explicitly stated in the quran. E.g. it says: You shall hand over to the ORPHANS* their rightful properties. Do not substitute the bad for the good, and do not consume their properties by combining them with yours. This would be a gross injustice. If you fear that you will not be equitable towards the ORPHANS*, then you may marry their mothers. You may marry two, three, or four. But this woman. like thousands of others, can only read the last seven words. It’s incomprehensible.

I believe an intelligent woman can accept polygamy. I believe an intelligent woman can accept polygyny too, if she sees it as a means of survival. She may choose to accept polygyny to survive. Her psyche may also choose any means available to survive, e.g. the stockholm syndrome.

For an intelligent woman to accept polygyny however, she has to give up her integrity, her mental health, her freedom of thought and expression – her soul.

So the interesting question is, can any intelligent man accept polygyny?

 

Here We Go Again – Polygyny Revisited

Backlit_Pink_Rose_Interior_With_Drops_(209284324)Mark has been spending a lot of time visiting the local masjid, and arab friends. I know he’s trying to find a way to bring Bimbo back to the UK. We are however practising a strict “don’t ask don’t tell” -policy, so I don’t know exactly what options he’s considering.

I don’t even know how his #2 reacted when he retracted the divorce. I suppose she considers it his right and she must just obey her “husband”. Well well, it’s not my problem. He’ll be going to Oman for a visit after easter, maybe things will come to a conclusion after that. :/

I’ve been out in the garden all day trimming the roses. Now, I’m completely beat. I’m looking forward to a long shower and a glass of wine before Graham comes home.

Tomorrow, we’ll be going to the Chilterns, and my daughter’s coming to visit. :)

Q&A Why are you Hurting your Husband with Polygamy?

ThreeringsQuestion: Salaams Fiona

I have been reading some of your posts and I am sometimes upset and sometimes worried and saddened by your disregard for the wisdom of sharia. I have some questions.

When you have your child, whom shall the child call father and whom shall the child obey? And whose name shall the child carry?

Polygamy is healthy and safe but polyandry brings much risk of std, how can you defend that?

How can you keep woman’s feminine nature in caring for her house, husband and children if you must act like a man?

How can you respect a husband who allows you to have another man?

How can you live with this pain and jealousy and hurt that you are giving your husband?

Polygamy is allowed with restrictions to be fair and just and protect your wives and care for them. It is allowed because it is good for the women and children too. If you are jealous or hurting you could have had help from a wise imam or a good online forum and it makes me much sad to see you hurt your husband and children instead.

I wish you well and hope you will make good on this.

Peace.

Answer: Wow. I’ll just bite my tongue and hope somebody else will answer this, as I think I’d better calm down before I put anything down in print. //F