I received this post from one of the contributors here who is muslim. I promised to post it, and I’m happy to do so. I’m told it’s the answer to a similar post addressed to women from a muslim relathionship site :)
Ever wish you could read your wife’s mind? Western culture encourages husbands and wives to talk to each other and discuss things.
However, in many Muslim cultures, men are raised to be stoic and tight-lipped. Muslim husbands are very often (not always) reluctant to talk about certain things with their wives. This way of course, they also lose out on understanding their wives
The only thing more difficult to a muslim man than translating thoughts to words and translating feelings to words, is understanding women when they do.
So, a lot of Muslim men and women go through their marriages with very little communication and never really knowing what the other person is thinking.
This quick list is for the Muslim husbands in my audience. This list will give you good idea of some of the things your wife thinks about, and is trying to communicate to you had you only been intelligent, caring and sensitive enough to listen.
1. Above All, She Desires Your Respect
Love or respect, which do you prefer?
Many muslim texts claim that women want to know their husbands love them, and men want to know their wives respect them. This of course is utter bs. Both women and men want to be loved. Loved and appreciated. Both women and men want to be respected. Both love and respect are two way streets. You can’t claim respect from somebody without showing respect. So if you want respect from your wife – show her the amount of respect you’re after for yourself!
It’s important that Muslim men understand the value of respect for women, especially Muslim women. In Islam, men are taught from a young age that they are supposed to be the bread-winners and caretakers of their families. They believe they’re all that and that women must obey them and are one degree beneath them. Being discriminated against like this makes muslim women extra sensitive to lack of respect. So if you want a woman to love you – show her the utmost respect!
You can imagine how frustrating it would be for a woman, who tries her best to care for her family, to be married to a man who doesn’t respect her. She may declare that she loves him, but without his respect, she will quickly fall out of love with him.
This idea is put forward in the Quran where Allah says:
Men are obliged to provide and care for women by the strength Allah has given one more than the other and they must spend from their wealth. So righteous women are devoutly obedient to Allah.
Chapter 4, Verse 34
This means men are physically stronger and must work to support their wives and care for them which means love and respect them. If they don’t, women will lose respect for them which will hurt their obedience to Allah who says we must be garments to each other.
2. She Desires Your Loyalty
This goes hand in hand with respect.There’s nothing that will ruin a marriage quicker than the idea that your spouse is not loyal. The idea, that he or she is not going to stick by you. I’m not talking about infidelity. This is what usually comes to mind when people talk about loyalty in a marriage.What I’m talking about is knowing that the person whom you’ve chosen to spend the rest of your life with is going to be there for you when you really need them.
A muslim website wrote:
Most men won’t admit it, but we do need women. And we do need your support.And it’s very troubling to be married to a woman who may not be around when the going gets tough.If you are constantly threatening divorce or separation or Khula (Islamic divorce initiated by the wife), you can expect your marriage to fizzle out very quickly.
Your husband needs to know that you’re going to be by his side if:
He loses his job and the money gets tight.
He tries to do something (like start a business or go back to school) but fails at it.
His reputation is tarnished or his honor is attacked.
The same goes for women. We need to know that our husband will be by our side, when the going gets tough. He can’t be if he e’g’ is polygynous. So don’t ever contemplate polygyny if you want your wife’s love or respect. Don’t threaten divorce in vain, unless you want your wife to leave you. Your wife needs to know that you’ll be there if she or the kids get the flu, are sad or want to have fun with you. She need to know she and the children are your number one priority, always.
You should be loyal to your wife before everything else except Allah and His Messenger (pbuh).
If you’re loyal to your wife, then rest assured she’ll be loyal to you.
3. She Wants To Have Sex More Often
Let’s get this right out into the open.Some men are taught that women have less craving for sex, but this is a lie. Women desire sex. Women really desire sex.
So when you give her the following excuses:
- “I’ve got a headache.”
- “I’m too tired”
- “Can’t it wait till the weekend? I’m really not in the mood.”
Know that your wife is going to go to sleep a little upset with you, even if she doesn’t show it.And do this often enough, she’s going to start resenting you. And that resentment will build up and may lead to her being unnecessarily mean to you or losing some love.
Women are often taught to be a bit careful about how to ask for sex. In some cultures, wives are taught never to initiate sex. This means you’d be better off asking her often “Do you want me now”? You might find that the answer is yes, a lot more often than you think. In fact, every night when you go to sleep without having asked your wife if she wants you, she might be lying sleepless and unsatisfied and angry with you.
Please keep the following hadith in mind:
When a man calls his wife to his bed, and she does not respond and he (the husband) spends the night angry with her, the angels curse her until morning.
Bukhari and Muslim. And please put it in conjuncture with the hadith : You must want for your sister what you want for yourself. As you can see, your obligation to satisfy your wife is unrestricted. She might have excuses like menses – you surely don’t!
Something to think about.
4. She Thinks About Other Men
Okay, first of all, calm down. Let me explain this.
All women think about other men.
- It doesn’t mean she’s going to cheat on you.
- It doesn’t mean she’s thinking about taking a second husband.
- It doesn’t mean she’s fantasizing about another man, although it’s likely.
It just means that all (straight) women do, at some point in their lives, consider having another man (i.e. husband or male hoori).
You’re better off coming to terms with this and accepting it than having false, purile notions about women.The best way to combat these thoughts are to apply the advice given in the first three secrets:
- Respect her.
- Be loyal to her.
- Give her physical love when she wants it.
Does this mean she’ll never take a second husband if you do these three things? Of course not. But it will raise your value in her mind relative to other men and she’ll be all the more reluctant to look for those three things (respect, loyalty, and sex) elsewhere.
5. She Wants To Make You Happy
- Why do you think women work so hard ?
- Why do you think women are willing to leave their jobs and risk starting a business?
- Why do you think women like buying men gifts?
Because deep down, we really just want to make you happy.
Sometimes we screw it up and forget about the world cup. But we really would prefer to remember because we know it would make you happy.
So when your wife buys you a gift, accept it, rejoice over it, thank her profusely, and use it as often as possible.
- If she buys you some clothes, wear it.
- If she buys you a new smartphone, use it.
- If she buys you a car, drive it.
And don’t be so quick to nag her about the things she doesn’t do right. Because then she’ll start feeling that you don’t respect (there’s that word again) the things she does do for you.
6. If You Nudge Her, She Can Be A Better Muslim
Nobody’s perfect.Perhaps your wife isn’t a Muslim scholar. Perhaps she’s not the best Muslim in the world.You can nudge her to make her better. But you can’t force her.
Do little things to get her to improve her Islam.
- Work around the house like the Prophet did.
- Do your equal part of taking care of the children, this means you will discuss ethics and values more often and grow in deen
- Tell her she is your garment, and show her you mean it.
- Never talk about your rights as if she doesn’t have exactly the same rights.
This takes deliberate words, a soft touch, and careful action.
The reward that comes is living with a righteous wife. And the reward in the next life for encouraging your husband to the truth.
Except for those who have believed and done righteous deeds and advised each other to truth and advised each other to patience.Chapter 103, Verse 3
7. She Loves You, Even If She Doesn’t Always Show It
I know, this one may be kinda hard to swallow. But it’s true (usually).
Women sometimes clam up. This is probably because you haven’t shown her the respect and love she deserves. She would want you to realize this for yourself, she doesn’t want to have to spell it out to you.
You must humbly ask her to forgive you. Remember that Allah rewards him who makes peace between muslims.
Just because your wife doesn’t treat you in the way (you think) the Prophet’s (pbuh) wives treated him, doesn’t mean your wife doesn’t love you.
It just means she’s human.It is very important that you understand this.
- If she’s doing her best to take care of you.
- If she doesn’t abuse you or sleep around.
- If she sincerely tries to solve your problems and helps you in the best way she can.
- Then chances are she loves you. A lot.
Now move from in front of the television and come give me a foot massage.