Polygamy – Is It About Sex?

1013483_354648064665525_279483948_nWomen whose husbands have become polygamous often admit that it’s partly about sex. That men enjoy sexual variety, or that men have higher sexdrive, and hence need more women. Most of the time though, they make it clear that sex only was a sideeffect – their husbands of course had more important things on their minds when they chose to marry more women. They wanted to care for her children, they wanted to complete their deen, live sunnah, or they wanted to do charity by marrying some poor woman. Only bad muslims apparently marry for sex, or lust.

These same women however seem convinced that the reason I married a second husband was all sex. I’m a sexaddict or a sexobject or a sexmaniac. And I wanted to hurt the men I’m married to. Their husbands wanted to be charitable and caring, I wanted sex.

No fool is sadder than he who believes he can fool himself.

So, is it about sex?

Well, I enjoy sex. I enjoy intimacy and the special bond of a physical relationship. And yes, I enjoy variety. I feel good about being able to be woman enough for two men :)

And I didn’t marry a second husband to be charitable. My husband is way to proud to marry a woman who regards him as an object of charity. It’s sad that women believe it’s ok to have their husbands marry women out of charity.

I simply love two men. 


Why would my objectives and motives be different from those of polygamous men?

Polygamy, the Law, the Army and the US

NiqabpureBigamy is illegal in most civilized nations.

Polygamy per se can be viewed differently. If only one marriage is registered and the subsequent marriages are only religious or common law marriages, some nations do not regard polygamy as bigamy, since only one marriage is accepted as legal.

In the US, the law regards religious/common law marriages differently in different states. In some states, like say New Jersey, polygamy is not always illegal since a nikah or a common law marriage is not accepted by law. A second wife hence is not regarded as a wife, she’s just a sideshow.

If however a polygamist in states like New Jersey were a member of the Armed Forces, the situation would be completely different. Such a person, say e.g. an officer in the Armed Services, would be subject to military law. According to the law of the US Armed Forces, not only is bigamy illegal but also the attempt to commit bigamy. Hence, a polygamist who is only religiously married to a second wife, not legally, can still be convicted of attempt. I refer you to the law, you can find it here. As you can see, the law also considers whether the crime committed means that the conduct of the accused was to the prejudice of good order and discipline in the armed forces or was of a nature to bring discredit upon the armed forces. Matters to consider here could be e.g. if the crime was committed in public, e.g. described on a blog. If testimony shows that the crime was committed in a disgraceful way, e.g. causing extended pain and suffering or e.g. was directed at the rights of women while the subordinates of an officer committing the crime were dying in Afghanistan while defending the rights of women, such matters would be considered.

Furthermore, according to martial law, adultery is also a crime. The law says adultery is a crime and must be punished if it can be proven:

  • 1) That the accused wrongfully had sexual intercourse with a certain person;
  • (2) That, at the time, the accused or the other person was married to someone else; and
  • (3) That, under the circumstances, the conduct of the accused was to the prejudice of good order and discipline in the armed forces or was of a nature to bring discredit upon the armed forces.

This means that the punishment would be severe if e.g. facts show that the crime was committed in a disgraceful way, e.g. causing extended pain and suffering or e.g. was directed at the rights of women, while the subordinates of an officer committing the crime were dying in Afghanistan while defending the rights of women. Proof, such as a deleted blog, can easily be obtained by the authorities.

Since polygyny is a crime against humanity and a vile offense against human rights, we who believe in human rights and the law should certainly report all such crimes.

If anybody should know of such a crime, it should be reported to the Armed Forces, primarily, not the police.

If the suspect was in e.g. the National Guard, the correct place to make such a report would be directly to the National Guard, in the case of New Jersey e.g. here.

Since the governor is the head of the National Guard, one should also report the crime to his office, in the case of New Jersey e.g. here.

A convicted polygamist would lose all pensions and benefits.

Women Have a Very High Status in Islam

9151-beautiful-submissive-woman-prostrate-on-floor-chris-maherWe hear it often.

Women have a very high status in Islam

Western women are oppressed. We have to look good, work, take part in society. But in Islam, women are elevated, respected.

This claim always makes me wonder. “Women have a very high status in Islam.” High in relation to whom? Hermaphrodites?

How is this high status women hold in islam expressed?

* “Were I to command anyone to prostrate to someone I would have commanded the woman to prostrate to her husband.” – in Islam the role of the wife is one of submission to her husband who holds the authority over his family, and this hadith accentuates that. So women are of such high status, they should really be prostrating before their husbands, if it weren’t for the fact that we should only throw ourselves on the ground before god.

And due to the wives is similar to what is expected of them, according to what is reasonable. But the men have a degree over them [in responsibility and authority]. And Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise. Men are superior. Women are inferior.

Men are the protectors and heads of women, because Allaah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend to support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient to their husbands, and guard in the husband’s absence what Allaah orders them to guard. As to those women on whose part you see ill-conduct, admonish them, refuse to share their beds, and  beat them, but if they return to obedience, seek not against them. Surely, Allaah is Ever Most High, Most Great. Women in islam hence are so high in status they must obey their husbands in everything, be governed by their husbands and be beaten by their husbands if they are disobedient.

Once Allah’s Apostle went out to the Musalla (to offer the prayer) o ‘Id-al-Adha or Al-Fitr prayer. Then he passed by the women and said, “O women! Give alms, as I have seen that the majority of the dwellers of Hell-fire were you (women).” They asked, “Why is it so, O Allah’s Apostle ?” He replied, “You curse frequently and are ungrateful to your husbands. I have not seen anyone more deficient in intelligence and religion than you. A cautious sensible man could be led astray by some of you.” The women asked, “O Allah’s Apostle! What is deficient in our intelligence and religion?” He said, “Is not the evidence of two women equal to the witness of one man?” They replied in the affirmative. He said, “This is the deficiency in her intelligence. Isn’t it true that a woman can neither pray nor fast during her menses?” The women replied in the affirmative. He said, “This is the deficiency in her religion.” So women in islam are told they are deficient in intelligence and religion and less than any man. Women in islam are told they are more likely to end up in Hell – because they are inferior. That’s how high in status they are.

“Beware of this world and beware of women, for the first fitnah among the Children of Israel had to do with women. I have not left behind me any fitnah more harmful to men than women.” Women are awrah – shameful. Women are fitnah. That’s how high their status is.

 Women have a very high status in Islam – beneath everybody else.


Around and Around We Go

Magnolia_campbellii_flowersIt’s been more difficult to bounce back than I expected.

Bounce back from what?

Well, first of all from my appendicitis. Since surgery was so quick and easy, I thought I’d feel fine in a sec. It’s taken some time though, and I still feel tired. I think I’ll have to go and have a check up. I’m feeling slightly anemic.

Tamsin’s been keeping us up nights too. Stomach aches. :( Poor little pumpkin!

And it’s a bit difficult to reconnect with Mark.

I believe that when he’s with her, he promises things that he can’t keep once he’s back home. I believe she keeps pestering him to bring her back here somehow, and he says he will. Of course, he can’t. And as soon as he’s back in London, she starts badgering him to make good on his promises.

She texts him, e-mails him, tries to call him when he’s forgotten to turn his cell off. I’ve heard him talk to her – sometimes he sounds very angry, sometimes he tries to cajole her. I don’t understand enough Arabic to be able to make out everything he says, but I get the gist. It’s clear to me that he is, maybe not lying to her, but not telling her the entire truth either. And I know he feels guilty about it, about the whole situation.

So Mark is feeling bad. He misses her too I suppose. And he’s ridden by a guilty conscience, both because he’s hurting her and because he’s hurting me.

Sometimes, I just want to sit down and cry. Or run away from it all.

But here I am. Trying to comfort myself, not with chocolate as I’d like to, but with broccoli and cauliflower. :( Even if I’m a bit down, at least I don’t want to be anemic.

7 Things Your Muslim Wife Won’t Tell You

polygamy-femaleI received this post from one of the contributors here who is muslim. I promised to post it, and I’m happy to do so. I’m told it’s the answer to a similar post addressed to women from a muslim relathionship site :)
Ever wish you could read your wife’s mind? Western culture encourages husbands and wives to talk to each other and discuss things.

However, in many Muslim cultures, men are raised to be stoic and tight-lipped. Muslim husbands are very often (not always) reluctant to talk about certain things with their wives. This way of course, they also lose out on understanding their wives

The only thing more difficult to a muslim man than translating thoughts to words and translating feelings to words, is understanding women when they do.
So, a lot of Muslim men and women go through their marriages with very little communication and never really knowing what the other person is thinking.

This quick list is for the Muslim husbands in my audience. This list will give you good idea of some of the things your wife thinks about, and is trying to communicate to you had you only been intelligent, caring and sensitive enough to listen.

1. Above All, She Desires Your Respect

Love or respect, which do you prefer?

Many muslim texts claim that women want to know their husbands love them, and men want to know their wives respect them. This of course is utter bs. Both women and men want to be loved. Loved and appreciated. Both women and men want to be respected. Both love and respect are two way streets. You can’t claim respect from somebody without showing respect. So if you want respect from your wife – show her the amount of respect you’re after for yourself!

It’s important that Muslim men understand the value of respect for women, especially Muslim women. In Islam, men are taught from a young age that they are supposed to be the bread-winners and caretakers of their families. They believe they’re all that and that women must obey them and are one degree beneath them. Being discriminated against like this makes muslim women extra sensitive to lack of respect. So if you want a woman to love you – show her the utmost respect!

You can imagine how frustrating it would be for a woman, who tries her best to care for her family, to be married to a man who doesn’t respect her. She may declare that she loves him, but without his respect, she will quickly fall out of love with him.

This idea is put forward in the Quran where Allah says:
Men are obliged to provide and care for women by the strength Allah has given one more than the other and they must spend from their wealth. So righteous women are devoutly obedient to Allah.
Chapter 4, Verse 34

This means men are physically stronger and must work to support their wives and care for them which means love and respect them. If they don’t, women will lose respect for them which will hurt their obedience to Allah who says we must be garments to each other.

2. She Desires Your Loyalty

This goes hand in hand with respect.There’s nothing that will ruin a marriage quicker than the idea that your spouse is not loyal. The idea, that he or she is not going to stick by you. I’m not talking about infidelity. This is what usually comes to mind when people talk about loyalty in a marriage.What I’m talking about is knowing that the person whom you’ve chosen to spend the rest of your life with is going to be there for you when you really need them.

A muslim website wrote:

Most men won’t admit it, but we do need women. And we do need your support.And it’s very troubling to be married to a woman who may not be around when the going gets tough.If you are constantly threatening divorce or separation or Khula (Islamic divorce initiated by the wife), you can expect your marriage to fizzle out very quickly.

Your husband needs to know that you’re going to be by his side if:

  • He loses his job and the money gets tight.

  • He tries to do something (like start a business or go back to school) but fails at it.

  • His reputation is tarnished or his honor is attacked.

The same goes for women. We need to know that our husband will be by our side, when the going gets tough. He can’t be if he e’g’ is polygynous. So don’t ever contemplate polygyny if you want your wife’s love or respect. Don’t threaten divorce in vain, unless you want your wife to leave you. Your wife needs to know that you’ll be there if she or the kids get the flu, are sad or want to have fun with you. She need to know she and the children are your number one priority, always.

You should be loyal to your wife before everything else except Allah and His Messenger (pbuh).

If you’re loyal to your wife, then rest assured she’ll be loyal to you.

3. She Wants To Have Sex More Often

Let’s get this right out into the open.Some men are taught that women have less craving for sex, but this is a lie. Women desire sex. Women really desire sex.

So when you give her the following excuses:

  • “I’ve got a headache.”
  • “I’m too tired”
  • “Can’t it wait till the weekend? I’m really not in the mood.”

Know that your wife is going to go to sleep a little upset with you, even if she doesn’t show it.And do this often enough, she’s going to start resenting you. And that resentment will build up and may lead to her being unnecessarily mean to you or losing some love.

Women are often taught to be a bit careful about how to ask for sex. In some cultures, wives are taught never to initiate sex. This means you’d be better off asking her often “Do you want me now”? You might find that the answer is yes, a lot more often than you think. In fact, every night when you go to sleep without having asked your wife if she wants you, she might be lying sleepless and unsatisfied and angry with you.

Please keep the following hadith in mind:
When a man calls his wife to his bed, and she does not respond and he (the husband) spends the night angry with her, the angels curse her until morning.
Bukhari and Muslim. And please put it in conjuncture with the hadith : You must want for your sister what you want for yourself. As you can see, your obligation to satisfy your wife is unrestricted. She might have excuses like menses – you surely don’t!

Something to think about.

4. She Thinks About Other Men

Okay, first of all, calm down.  Let me explain this.
All women think about other men.

  • It doesn’t mean she’s going to cheat on you.
  • It doesn’t mean she’s thinking about taking a second husband.
  • It doesn’t mean she’s fantasizing about another man, although it’s likely.

It just means that all (straight) women do, at some point in their lives, consider having another man (i.e. husband or male hoori).

You’re better off coming to terms with this and accepting it than having false, purile notions about women.The best way to combat these thoughts are to apply the advice given in the first three secrets:

  • Respect her.
  • Be loyal to her.
  • Give her physical love when she wants it.

Does this mean she’ll never take a second husband if you do these three things? Of course not. But it will raise your value in her mind relative to other men and she’ll be all the more reluctant to look for those three things (respect, loyalty, and sex) elsewhere.

5. She Wants To Make You Happy

  • Why do you think women work so hard ?
  • Why do you think women are willing to leave their jobs and risk starting a business?
  • Why do you think women like buying men gifts?

Because deep down, we really just want to make you happy.

Sometimes we screw it up and forget about the world cup. But we really would prefer to remember because we know it would make you happy.

So when your wife buys you a gift, accept it, rejoice over it, thank her profusely, and use it as often as possible.

  • If she buys you some clothes, wear it.
  • If she buys you a new smartphone, use it.
  • If she buys you a car, drive it.

And don’t be so quick to nag her about the things she doesn’t do right. Because then she’ll start feeling that you don’t respect (there’s that word again) the things she does do for you.

6. If You Nudge Her, She Can Be A Better Muslim

Nobody’s perfect.Perhaps your wife isn’t a Muslim scholar. Perhaps she’s not the best Muslim in the world.You can nudge her to make her better. But you can’t force her.

Do little things to get her to improve her Islam.

  • Work around the house like the Prophet did.
  • Do your equal part of taking care of the children, this means you will discuss ethics and values more often and grow in deen
  • Tell her she is your garment, and show her you mean it.
  • Never talk about your rights as if she doesn’t have exactly the same rights.

This takes deliberate words, a soft touch, and careful action.

The reward that comes is living with a righteous wife. And the reward in the next life for encouraging your husband to the truth.

Except for those who have believed and done righteous deeds and advised each other to truth and advised each other to patience.Chapter 103, Verse 3

7. She Loves You, Even If She Doesn’t Always Show It

I know, this one may be kinda hard to swallow. But it’s true (usually).
Women sometimes clam up. This is probably because you haven’t shown her the respect and love she deserves. She would want you to realize this for yourself, she doesn’t want to have to spell it out to you.

You must humbly ask her to forgive you. Remember that Allah rewards him who makes peace between muslims.

Just because your wife doesn’t treat you in the way (you think) the Prophet’s (pbuh) wives treated him, doesn’t mean your wife doesn’t love you.

It just means she’s human.It is very important that you understand this.

  • If she’s doing her best to take care of you.
  • If she doesn’t abuse you or sleep around.
  • If she sincerely tries to solve your problems and helps you in the best way she can.
  • Then chances are she loves you. A lot.

Now move from in front of the television and come give me a foot massage.


Polygamy: It Provokes, and Unprovokes

???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????We had a nice evening, even though the barrier was still there, the awkward silences. Tamsin was with her father, Mark payed her a short visit without me. Most of the time, Graham and Mark get along a lot better when I’m not around. It gave me time to do the dishes and take a shower. I longed to get close to my husband. I know from experience that being close physically often helps in closing a gap between us emotionally.

We snuggled. It was wonderful to be back in his arms, feel his warmth, hear him say he loves me.

Then it stopped. He couldn’t do it. Oh he tried, and tried. Then he told me he had had the same problems with #2. He said she felt like a stranger. They have become strangers to each other and he found himself wondering what the girl was doing in his bed. And then he felt like a real ass. She still loves him apparently. He said finally, the last two days, they reconnected in a way that allowed him to be intimate with her.

And now, that is causing him problems here. Guilt. Shame.

I tried to tell him I understand, that he should just leave it for a while, that it’s ok. He snarled at me, got dressed and left. Didn’t come back until two hours later. Said he was sorry but just didn’t want to talk about it. This has happened before. He has problems compartmentalizing, in his head love, sex, polygamy, cheating – it all gets mixed up.

He’s still asleep.

I’m sitting here wondering about what kind of morning we’ll have.

I do understand. Of course I do. But it’s for him to work out, I can’t help him.

This is another reason why women are more suited for polygamy, I’ll never have to worry about performance.

For men, polygamy provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance.

When He Comes Home from His Other “Wife”

800px-Gyrfalcon_(falco_rusticolus)_in_flightMark came home.

I have missed him, and I wanted him back home – with me.

But I still hate it.

I hate the smell, the scent of the soap he uses to cleans himself of her perfume. I hate the silence, the questions that can’t be asked. I hate how he says he wants to go check his e-mail and leaves the room to be able to Skype her to say he’s home and everything’s fine. I hate the earrings he’s brought me, knowing that it means he bought her something of the same value, maybe even the same earrings, as that time with the ruby necklace.

We’ll have dinner. Soon we’ll be able to pretend he hasn’t been away at all.

But tonight when we make love, I’ll be thinking about the fact that he has been inside her body since he was last with me. And I’ll look into his eyes and know that he knows what I’m thinking.

Slavery and Polygyny – Islamic Hypocrisy

Aboard an Arab slave boat, in 1869

Aboard an Arab slave boat, in 1869

Muhammad had many slaves. He was a slave owner.

He also had sex with his slaves. He owned the women, and had sex with them.

Muhammad was also a polygynist.

Today, many islamic scholars claim that slavery is not allowed any more. They claim that slavery was only allowed in the historical context, but not any more. They “prove” this by referring to the quran and hadiths saying e.g. that a way to atone for a sin is to free a slave. And since freeing a slave is said to be a good thing, slavery has been abolished, and that is islamically correct. They also say that since slavery was heavily restricted, that goes to show that it was disliked, and hence it is correct to abolish slavery. There are some muslim scholars who claim that slavery is still allowed, as is having sex with your slaves, since Muhammad did this and everything that he did is perfect. These scholars seem to be exceptions though, not the rule.

Then how about polygyny?

Polygyny is only explicitly allowed in one single verse in the quran, and in An Nisa there are clearly stated restrictions, the man must be custodian of orphans and fearing not to be able to live up to that responsibility, he must not only be absolutely fair to his wives – he must harbour no fear whatsoever that he’d ever risk being unfair to them!

So Muhammad was a slave-owner and a polygynist. He didn’t free all his slaves. Today however, islamic laws have abandoned slavery while maintaining polygyny. Why?

The quran restricts slavery as well as polygyny. Today however, islamic laws have abandoned slavery while maintaining polygyny. Why?

The quran allows a man to fuck his slaves, to keep him from zina. Islam allows polygyny to keep men from zina. Today however, islamic laws have abandoned slavery while maintaining polygyny. Why?

Islamic scholars today say that slavery in the quran and hadiths must be interpreted within the limitations of historical context. What about polygyny? Today islamic laws have abandoned slavery while maintaining polygyny. Why?

Muslims in favour of polygyny often argue that we can not make haram what Allah has made halal. Slavery is not haram in the quran, nor in the hadiths. Today however, islamic laws have abandoned slavery while maintaining polygyny. Why?

I’d like to quote a text about slavery in Georgia:

The parallel between the mechanisms of slavery in christian Georgia, and women in islam is all too obvious.
Most muslim nations however have banned slavery, although it is allowed in the quran. Polygyny often remains legal.
It’s a worldwide truth, that misogyny is an even stronger force than racism.

He Doesn’t Sleep With His Other Wife

Füssli_-_Symplegma_eines_Mannes_und_einer_Frau_mit_helfender_DienerinPolygamous husbands lie.

They lie to make things easier for themselves, to avoid conflicts and to please their wives.

They lie. And islamically, they are correct in doing so. And since it is islamically correct, no muslim can believe they’re wrong in doing so, or can they?

Islamic hadiths and fatwas tell men they have a right to lie to their wives, nay really an obligation. This is what it can sound like:

It is nothing new for your co-wives to argue and fight with one another. Upon you is to make each one feel as if she alone is the special one, the sweetest one, and the most beautiful one. And there is no harm in you lying in this regard. As the Prophet (saw) said:

“Lying is permissible only in three cases.” And one of them he mentioned was: “A husband (lying) in order to please his wife.“

So let each one of your wives feel as if they are the one who you love the most. Backbiting is indeed impermissible, so saying words like, “Honey, you do know I love you more than Faatimah and Safiyyah right?” Or when she does something which pleases you, say how she is the only one who can please you like that. And use your imagination, however make it sound as realistic as possible (I hope no sisters are reading this, lol).


It was narrated that Asma’ Bint Yazeed said: “The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: ‘It is not permissible to tell lies except in three (cases): when a man speaks to his wife in a way to please her; lying in war; and lying in order to reconcile between people.’”

(Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1939)

So muslim polygynists are taught to lie, they are taught to believe it is right to lie to their wives. Since muslim scholars also teach that women are weak, emotional, brittle creatures who should not even be allowed to leave their houses without a guardian, of course a muslim man has no problems believing it is his right to lie to his wives to “protect” them, as well as lock them up and beat them.

Forced polygyny is hell on earth, torture and unimaginable pain. Is there any wonder that women tend to cling to the lies they are told, in order to ease a fragment of the pain?

I have seen so many wives in polygyny claim that they are the favourite wife. They believe he loves them more, enjoys them more, that they are his best friend. Who can blame them? And the men know that by telling these lies, they keep feeding crack to their crack-whore wives. And islamic websites keep providing muslim polygynists the crack.

As far as first wives go, the usual lies seem to be “You are my first and only real love”, “You know me better, so you know better how to please me” “We share more memories and more love, and no other wife will ever catch up” “I only married a second because I pitied her”.

As far as second wives go the usual lies seem to be “My first wife and I haven’t loved each other for years, we just stay together because of the children/family” “My first wife is an ugly shrew, I never loved her” “My first wife is just a friend, we married for convenience”

And the most common lie all categories is “I don’t sleep with my other wife”.

(Or at least “..and if I do, I don’t enjoy it!) (…as much!)

When I see a woman in a polygynous marriage claim “My husband doesn’t sleep with his other wife”, it breaks my heart.

When I see somebody claim that something islamically correct can not be evil, it breaks my heart.

Polygamy Perks

1013483_354648064665525_279483948_nWe all know there is immense pain and suffering in polygyny.

Polygamy, however, can be a completely different matter.

A muslim polygynous man knows that his wives have no alternative but to submit to sharing their husband. When he leaves to go to another wife, they must pray for help to endure, they must cry alone at night, they must care for their children and their home alone while he is off fucking another wife, being waited on hand and foot. The wives must smile and be sweet and compete for his favour by offering the best service and the best sex. They also know he has an islamic right to beat them if they don’t.

In polygamy on the other hand, the spouse who opts for plural husbands/wives knows he or she must work at least twice as hard to keep his spouses happy, since they could choose to get plural partners too if they aren’t satisfied – or they could just leave (remember that in islam a wife is not allowed unilateral divorce, and polygyny/forced polygyny is not considered a valid reason for divorce by sharia courts).

Equal polygamy is simply a completely different ballgame. There’s still pain, as in any relationship, but there are a lot of perks too.

What do I get out of being polygamous?

1. I get to live two love stories. I share the wonderful memories, feelings and moments of two loves-of-my-life and it makes my life richer.

2. I have learned more about love itself. Love and relationships somehow become clearer and more comprehensible when love is separated from the single object. I know now that Mark is not the embodiment of love, marriage and happiness. I have become able to look at love more objectively, and it makes me better at tackling it. This in itself also makes me a better wife.

3. I live a much more active life now, since I have two lives to lead. I keep fit, and I don’t get bored.

4. I have more variation in my life now. With Graham I visit museums, concerts and exhibitions. We have a great set of friends who all enjoy the outdoors. With Mark it’s restaurants, sports and a more jet-set crowd, and weekend parties with childhood friends.

5. When I fall out with the one, I can simply head off to the other.

6. Yes. I enjoy having them “compete” over me. A bit. And I enjoy the sex. There.